Mine09

I saw on twitter people discussing Shane’s ED. I was a high school rower and unfortunately I developed a poor relationship with food and disordered eating habits from it. Crew is so intense 😭 I did it for 4 years. I’m a stallion, so people would always encourage me to try sports but I was so bad at everything. But anyone can row and it’s a great way to get in shape because of the cross-training + erg. The more I did it, the better I got. After awhile I was addicted to the feeling and it really helped my confidence.

I was starting to make better boats and considered rowing in college after a few years. I think things started going wrong once my coaches encouraged me to watch my eating habits. Idk about these days but there was alot of pressure on weight for rowers. Especially the lightweight category…I’d watch girls in multiple layers of clothes doing intense exercises before regattas to make weight in the morning. The guys were even more intense…and it was so normalized eventually lightweight rowing was under fire. As a regular rower, when my training hit a wall, my coaches started recommending cleaner eating and meal plans. I took the advice and went crazy.

I downloaded the apps. Monitored every calorie. Started grocery shopping for myself and cooking every meal. I stopped eating my cultures food. I would bring the most disgusting lunches to school and eat alone half the time to avoid drawing attention. I would exercise so intensely. Like bike miles across the city for hours after going to the gym type…

Eventually reality hit. I was so weak, I was getting worse. I couldn’t lift a single boat shell from the water by myself. My family unfortunately celebrated the visible effects of my ED because I was thinner. But my friends were concerned. Eventually some personal stuff happened and I quit the sport, then got the help I needed to heal.

These days, I have a renewed love for health and wellness. I eat clean and workout when I feel like it (~3 days a week). And I love my body!!! But I have hard boundaries. My fitness pal will never see me again. And I avoid overly tracking my weight. I listen to my body always. I’ve talked to other people who’ve worked through ED and we always say: your relationship with food is never quite the same. But I take it as a daily challenge to meet my bodies needs.

So I don’t think it’s right to reduce the shared experience of people with eating disorders to one demographic and generalize the experience, ever. Just like relating it to just the pursuit of thinness is harmful. Athletes ED is glorified. I think it would be interesting for writers to explore the dichotomy of that

When I was younger, most of my bullies were guys and they didn’t hold back at all…it used to be about my appearance (i’m a stallion💅🏿) or sometimes the insults were about my culture. I handled girl-drama with ease, but to this day I wonder why so many boys wasted time ridiculing me for no reason.

The guys I liked rarely reciprocated. I once had a crush on someone and worked up the courage to admit it, he told me he "doesn’t date black girls," just to end up liking another friend of mine (fellow darkskin black girl), so I was the issue…not the way I looked.

That’s what I used to think~but college was a 180. By the end of high school, I grew into my looks my confidence grew. I started getting attention and I was so hungry to explore. But I never did 😂 seriously, the furthest I got? Truth or dare kisses. No one talks about how hard it is to know what to do when you’re isolated from dating. Everyone else seemingly navigates it naturally.

Tbh, I freeze when men give me romantic attention. I feel the fight or flight begin quick. One guy pulled me aside during a night out and straight up asked if I would have his kids. I’m standing there like: 👁️👁️ I’ve been followed by old men after the gym twice. And my friends are always in disbelief when I mention being a virgin.

I love challenging myself and my worldview. I used to be more connected to my friends and confident to tell people things. But I started to keep everything bottled up instead of expressing because I felt tired.

I’m very good at public speaking, even though my heart races a mile a minute! I constantly get compliments and positive validation. Somehow, after countless experiences speaking in front of hundreds of people and leading, I’ve developed a fear of expressing myself. It’s not even like a "cringe" feeling, I genuinely get physically reactions, like I’m in danger. The more I care about the content of what I’m saying next, the stronger the anxiety. Literally joined an anonymous debate and got palpitations before my turn…I think I killed it tho!