Life is too short to battle myself

Sweet potato, Brussels sprouts, asparagus and bacon hash with an over medium egg on top.

I’m not going to lie, I’m not in a great space. I feel like my body is failing me, and I’m having a hard time appreciating what it does do for me.

I sat on the couch and watched my door handle turn slowly three or four times. And then heard something with the lock. And then my 5lb dog barked and it stopped.

Called the cops, they found nothing.

Life has been frustrating, but let’s be honest, when is it not?

This wedding has turned my life upside down, it has strained relationships that weren’t that amazing to begin with, it has made me question myself, my self worth, and relationships. It’s tough when you get glimpses of what people say about you when they think you won’t hear it. Especially when it’s family. Especially when it’s a parent. It hurts.

Between the wedding planning, my anxiety, my constant fear of dying (no that’s not snarky or sarcastic, it’s just a fact), my eating issues and body issues, it’s been a challenge to go a whole day without crying, or finding the energy to get dressed, or just feeling like a generally productive person.

I was supposed to start EMDR for driving in September but my therapist is too scared of back tracking in a serious way with my eating. I broke down when she said that...I’ve been so excited to do something that really could work, that could allow me to drive and gain some real independence. But she’s also not wrong. The intrusive thoughts are back. So are some of the behaviors.

somehow, mentally, I feel equipped to handle life this week.

I’m meeting up with some friends who are in town for brunch today, and as they put it “brunch and then other plans” so I’m not really sure what that means. I like to know everything so I can plan for everything, but I’m trying to let go, and just go with it.

So instead of hiding in my apartment, I’m allowing myself to live in the uncomfortable and going with it.