/ mi • ser • y /

and he knows that's of his own accord, of course, but after training for an additional few years now, he's never felt more ready for the next step (whether that be debuting or just moving into the 'pre-debut' stage) in his life–even more than when he appeared and was eventually named a final member of type zero on 'future dreams'.

so when he was pulled into a meeting room with a handful of other trainees for the next stage of team unknown, he decided then and there that he'd take these next set of workshops more seriously than ever before.

especially so once they reached the acting and performance section of the curriculum. with all of his experience at this point, he feels fairly confident in his singing and dancing skills, but performing? even he can tell he needs a lot more work done in that department before he's ready for anything.

he can probably count with his hands the number of stage performances he's had just in the past year alone–that's to say, not that many.

and he's not necessarily complaining, but he also doesn't exactly feel all that prepared either. sure, he knows the standard tips and trades of being an idol–how to locate cameras, how to appropriately interact with fans, how to professionally network with directors and the like backstage–but the opportunities to experiment, to really settle himself back into the shoes of an idol? entirely too lacking as of late, even by nathan's standards.

so he puts in the effort: staying up into the early hours of the morning memorizing lines, analyzing scripts, and monitoring scenes. he records himself, then re-watches it back, then records himself again–over and over until he's satisfied (he never truly is).

dancing has always been–as cliche as it probably sounds–nathan's passion. he could spend the rest of his lifetime in a dance studio, surrounded by walls of mirrors and the lingering smells of sweat and inspiration. it's been his fail-safe skill to both fall back on and fall deeply into; these past few months have been the most fun out of the trainee workshops so far, with the chance to learn and absorb new dance styles and genres. it's been such a worthwhile experience–a chance to really strengthen his basics–that when the staff pulled a handful of trainees into a meeting room one morning, he's not the least bit expecting them to announce that they've been chosen in the company's upcoming dance concert.

there's a beat of silence as the group processes a new before immediate cheers of celebration follow. nathan's sure to clap along, congratulating the others on the rare (for trainees, at least) opportunity to shine on stage alongside some of the label's current best.

nathan has to keep himself from smiling too much, because he sees it as a challenge.

glancing into that tiny connecting window–literally looking in from the outside–nathan gulps at the sight of the four, five, handful or so staff members all sitting and staring at each other with such serious expressions on their face. most of them are unfamiliar, strangers but ultimately seniors to him (and therefore, downright fucking scary).

having been insulated in the happenings of being an idol for so long, he's forgotten how suffocating the social contract of adjacent industries can be. he knows, he knows, that voice acting is a legitimate, professional occupation that someone like him has only the privilege of experiencing so easily because of his agency–he knows he shouldn't take this opportunity lightly, and he's not, but he can't help that his voice cracks whenever they force him into such an unreachable falsetto.

he chucks a "yes" and an occasional "okay" to the director's comments, all while mentally recalling his past few weeks of voice acting lessons to meet their demands. nathan doesn't have the deepest voice in the world, but he's untrained and unpolished when it comes to reaching those higher pitches necessary for an animated cartoon character. less throat, more air, he reminds himself before nodding his head in preparation for their next take.

since he left type zero, nathan hasn't tuned into any of the end-of-the-year awards show.

arguably the busiest season of the year once november rolls around, all of the awards ceremonies and large-scale concerts are the biggest spectacles in the k-pop industry–most idols aspire to just be invited to perform, let alone be nominated or even win awards.

that's always been the hardest thing, the shift. the sudden transition of feeling like you're on top of the world until, almost immediately, you're struck by rock bottom. it's been years now for nathan, and while he'd like to says he's matured and moved on, he still can't bring himself to turn the tv on and tune in.

having trainee status in the company helps with the avoidance. usually on break, he spends the entirety of the time at his grandparents' house in seoul, but this year (with money he somehow convinced his oh-yeah-forgot-about-them parents to wire into his bank account), he checks himself into the nicest hotel to really take his mind off things.

it's a tiny luxury, he knows, in the grand scheme of things for the dream he's still chasing after–it's not a sold-out stadium tour or a daesang nomination, but there's complimentary champagne and the nicest bathrobe he's ever tried on to hold him over. egyptian cotton sheets with a thread count he's sure is impressive welcomes him with open arms, and after one sleep in non-twin-sized bed, he's shocked as how refreshed his feels.

walking into the venue, nathan greets the entrance attendant as they hand out headphones to incoming guests. he naturally reaches for a pair himself, resting it rather loosely on his head as the upbeat sound of billboard's top 100 pop hits envelop his ears. he's lightly bopping along as we walks further into the custom-designed maze he's been hearing so much about, slightly dancing inline with the rhythm of the current song play and–in the nature of silence disco itself–not sparing a care in the world to whether anyone was paying attention or not.

time passes by fast in here as he quite literally and funnily enough gets lost in music, coupled with him being easily distracted by the different songs requested at every booth–he flips from one channel to the next with every suggestion, with a surprise favorite being the folk music channel after visiting their booth. these encounters are few and far between as he stumbles upon booths proportional to how he stumbles along the main maze path. (he knows that if he were under a timer or something, he'd take this way more seriously than he is now and wouldn't struggle nearly as bad with nothing more than a kids' maze… or so he'd like to think.)

everyone would be lying if they didn't acknowledge nathan's previous prowess as a proclaimed 'idol-variety star' when he was still a member of type zero. he still remembers the day he got the call that he'd be officially cast as the newest member of '2 days 1 night'–only to end up departing the group and subsequently the show before his debut episode ever aired.

all the experience is a double-edged sword too because, sure, he technically has a ton of professional experience–but from years ago now, and while he's not exactly missing out on practice seeing as he's still a trainee and everything, starring on 'lgc boys energy' and other company-produced variety shows provide a different kind of exposure than appearing on an actual third-party-produced, cable-broadcasted variety show. so nathan's goal for these next two workshops is to just half-prove that he's, well, still got it.

and while he's not the most objective judge, of course, he'd argue that he still does.

with their task for the next two months focusing on vlogging, nathan's never felt more comfortable in front of the camera. he has a depth of experience of just yapping to the camera, and his first vlog for the month of october was no different. when he first presses record, he's walking down a street lined with yellow leaves–clusters of warm hues litter the street as he raises the camera up to correct the filming angle before he greets, "hello everyone! it's me again, nathan."

"how's everyone been doing these days? good, i hope," he starts, glancing down every now and then to watch his step. "it's the weekend, and a friend of mine invited me to play some pick-up soccer so i'm currently on the way to a nearby park for that–and i thought that'd be the perfect opportunity to show everyone what i've been enjoying doing lately this fall season."

he hums a bit with a grin beginning to tug at his lips. "i usually don't like working out in the gym, but with it being so hot outside in the summer, i can't help it to avoid the heat. now that it's gotten cooler outside, it's been really fun exercising by just kicking a ball around, which i fear shows how simple-minded i truly am."

he can't help but laugh at himself, continuing on the casual chatter with the camera before he finally makes it to the designated soccer field. "watch my stuff for me, everyone, okay?" he cheekily remarks to the camera as he shrugs his jacket off, placing it and the camera on the nearest bleacher. he double-checks the framing in the viewfinder before he throws a double thumbs-up and jogs off to join his assigned team.

what follows for the rest of the vlog is (probably) a montage of various clips from the match. seeing as its neighborhood match, there's not many highlights–but he does make a point to run up and celebrate with the camera whenever his team scored a goal.

the rest of his day–or rather the portion that was recorded–is pretty lackluster in comparison. he's red, sweaty, but still smiling by the time the final whistle's blown, and the camera follows him picking up dinner at his recent favorite-for-the-fall friend chicken restaurant before cutting to him in the dorm, freshly-showered and somehow filming a mukbang of sorts.