𝖑𝖊𝖝𝖔𝖗𝖈𝖎𝖘𝖙

Right now is a very difficult time in my life and I am riding waves of anger/rage and deep deep sadness for the "childhood" I had.

I've been no-contact with my mother since April,and I've recently had repressed memories resurface. They've come up at the most unexpected times.

I'm so angry she has the audacity to play completely clueless after all the pain she inflicted on myself, my father, and my siblings. In retrospect we were ALL abused by her. Throughout those years we were on eggshells, tip-toed around and insomnia to avoid even being perceived by her.

Who puts makeup on a 5 year old? Who holds a child's mouth closed while pinching their nose while forcing their head back? (Too long). Who wails and asks their 7 year old where the family will go or what will they do now that they're evicted?

- 7:religious scare tactics/hellfire, forced baptism

-8: shamed and told I'd be displayed n@k3d open casket if I ever tried to self delete again. In front of my siblings as humiliation

-9: started regularly verbally bullying

-10/11: untreated stress UTI's months without antibiotics until they went away. Permanent kidney and bladder damage. Also from avoiding leaving my room

-fat shamed, shamed for self h

-12: abandoned myself and my siblings. First affair.

-13:forced out of my dad's house because she missed her punching bag. Separated me from my brother and father to be alone in a room 7 months. Introducing abu$ive stepfather/affair partner

-14: s@/ shamed for it

-15: threw out my wardrobe and replaced with awful clothing /she/ preferred

-16: moved my brother and I to an apt. Left us for extended periods of time to stay/live with her bf. We were both minors

-17/18: constant shame. So so much. Made me do the whole college thing by myself. Threatening not to support me financially unless I signed up to be a nurse (even though she was no part of my student aid etc)

When I was in church, the children in my Sunday School classes had "accepted" Jesus and received their baptisms with enthusiasm. Within the walls of this institution, my seed of shame was planted. I did not experience the love or kindness that their supposed prophet had displayed in their tales. Although I was not quite able to articulate my thoughts or feelings at 8 years old, in retrospect, I felt uneasy about the person I would become if I followed through with such a commitment. Every Sunday and Wednesday, I anticipated being hounded and pressured by the church staff and community.

During a Fourth of July celebration, I was to be baptized in a different way than my siblings. I swear on everything, I was baptized in a horse trough filled with water from a garden hose, while i sat on a red brick. The terror and shame I felt as I opened my eyes inside the water and looked up at this man were overwhelming. I was overcome with a feeling of betrayal—betraying myself and my native ancestors. I feared the commitment and the future that lay ahead. I felt that these people and God would imprison me forever in surveillance and judgment.

Just girly things ✨

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Portrait of me by 𝘉𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘗𝘦𝘳𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯

𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝙸 𝚍𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔 𝙸'𝚍 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚊 𝚏𝚞𝚌𝚔 𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚠𝚊𝚢!

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Pants by Michelle MoreGore