The Best Thing
For a room full of crowded people, Levi had never felt more alone. Who could have guessed that here he would be, at his lover’s funeral, just about to give a eulogy. His head hung low with guilt and misery. From every aspect, it was obvious that he was feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt. After a long break between speakers, Levi cleared his throat and pushed himself up from his seat. He made his way to the stout podium laid out in front of the crowd, his posture faltered over the wooden stand. His height made it difficult to see the cards sprawled out in front of him. “Hi everyone,” he said in order to break the silence. When he looked up the only response were the silent and solemn eyes staring back. Levi glanced at his notes he spent hours on the night before. He had poured his heart and soul into these words, but now looking at them, he couldn’t decipher the foreign words scratched on them. Everything on those cards were hypocritical, and he knew he couldn’t say a single thing he wrote down. Sighing deeply, he shook his head, clearly disappointed with himself.
“Screw it,” Josh mumbled as he placed the cards down on the podium. “I could stand up here and tell you all about how much I loved Darleda and all of this mushy-crap, but I won’t. There’s something you all should know about her death, and if it makes you hate me, then fine.” He paused. His attention snapped immediately to Darleda’s parents. They narrowed their weary eyes at him in a wry sneer that caused Josh to break out in a sweat.
“I didn’t kill her,” Levi swallowed the lump that grew in his throat before continuing. “But I might as well have.”
~*~
Darleda Merks was a gift I didn’t deserve. Her compassion and kindness made her radiate with goodness—the type of goodness that is so exceptional that you can’t help but notice it. She was my rock, my everything, and without her now… I’m lost. I loved her from the top of her head all the way down to her toes. I loved the way her brown hair cascaded like a wonderful waterfall around the nape of her neck. And when she smiled, her nose wrinkled in ways that just begged for affection.
It is because of Darleda that I’m not dead or in jail. She has helped me overcome my gripping addiction that’s held me for countless years. Late, on a summer day in July, she held my hand as I shook and cried with craving for the drug that almost destroyed me. She supported me when my parents refused to, and healed me when I couldn’t do it on my own.
“Why do you stay?” I’m awful to you. I don’t deserve you… Why do you stay? The questions echoed in my head for weeks, but it wasn’t until recently I finally voiced my question aloud. Every day I would wake up, and there she would be in all her beauty. The beautiful Darleda Merks… is dead. Unfortunately, she loved me: an unpredictable addict who could explode at any moment.
There she sat, across the table from me in an almost empty diner. We had planned a quaint lunch date for the afternoon, and with one question I ruined it. Darleda shrugged in dismissal before returning back to her plate laid out before her. Anger caught in my throat before I could stop it. Without another word, I shoved myself from the table and left the diner. At that moment, I didn’t care what she truly meant from her response. All I knew was that she completely disregarded me. She ignored me. Did she even love me like she’d confessed countless times before? Was this all a lie? Why was she helping me? I could do this on my own; I didn’t need some perky prude to take care of me like some crack-head charity case! So I ran from my problems rather than face her reaction head on. I left like a child hiding under the covers during a thunder storm. If I could go back in time and change everything I did, believe me I would.
Isn’t that funny? As people mature, they realize half of the things said or did in the past ruined the future, and they were too naïve to know at the time. Naïve can’t even begin to describe how big of a mistake I made.
I blazed a trail right out of that little diner, and deeper into the city. Angry blood coursed through my veins, and it screamed in my ears. My eyes stung from all the pain and fury. I couldn’t control my emotions. I wanted to scream, or slam my fist against the cold and unyielding brick walls that followed me wherever I went. Those damn brick walls! I followed them until it was clear of where I was planning to go. I turned down the familiar passage and frowned at the pungent smell of marijuana and fear.
“Look who it is,” a voice reverberated against the walls from the darkness. I had to squint to see who was speaking. “It’s the ‘Changed Man’. He stops buying the goods and suddenly, we aren’t good enough for you.” My heart sank deeper into my chest from the cold terror I felt. The figure slipped into the light, a vengeful smirk plastered on his lips. Raising his arm, a rusty knife caught my eye and I could only stare Feigning innocence, I raised my arms in surrender and shook my head. No, you have it all wrong. I couldn’t speak for fear whatever I said would only anger him more. That’s not how it happened! With his free hand, the malicious man I once called a friend shoved my body against the bare brick wall. I squeezed my eyes shut and waited for the undeniable ultimatum
“Get away from him!” A familiar voice screamed from the edge of the ally. No! Darleda! Before I could connect every detail together in my mind, I saw her beautiful white shirt stained with crimson. I watched helplessly as her wounded body crumpled to the sticky floor and as the criminal who hurt her retreated into the city. After a moment of shock and silence, Darleda’s gentle whimpers brought me back to life.
Without thinking, I collapsed to the floor by her side and grasped her hands in mine. I had imagined losing Sam thousands of time, but never had I ever thought of such a terrible fate. She didn’t deserve to die saving me. Her frozen fingers shook as I held on tightly and begged her not to go. I tried my best to steady her rapid heartbeat, but it was hopeless. It was obvious that she would die, the amount of blood she already lost was enough to stain my clothes and hands. She weakly murmured apologies and even began to thank me.
“I love you,” she looked into my eyes weakly. “I always will.”
I held her in my arms as she left me. I told her it would be alright, and I apologized for my selfishness. Even as she died, Darleda Merks was beautiful. Her skin glowed with radiance and sophistication that no one else in the world could ever have. She was perfect. I could have lived a million lifetimes and I would still never deserve her. It was because of me that Sam was forced to come to terms with death as a young adult, and I may never be able to live with that.
~*~
Now, as Levi stood before everyone, their judgmental eyes examined his every move. Now they knew the truth. If Darleda had just stayed in that diner, it would have been someone else’s funeral today, and she would be the living her lovely life. The one who deserved to be here had their one chance at life ripped from their grasp. And that’s a debt Josh would never be able to repay. “Thanks,” he murmured, and stepped away from the podium. No one cried for him, no one cared. Instead of returning to his seat, Levi kept walking. He walked past her parents, past his life that would never be the same, and into the hallway. He left the room, misery threatening to release through his tear ducts. And he never looked back.
