kris

Robin

Man in shorts

Some final meditations on grief.

At times I’ve felt that I never want to move on. The feeling of grief is familiar. Today, it is slowly being picked up, like dried leaves on pavement stirring from the first chill of fall.

Whisked away, making space for a new normal.

There’s a weight that’s being lifted from my heart, but a new feeling of sadness too. Grief is a reminder that I still miss life before grief. What am I without you? When will stars align again to feel hands cupping my heart? Ultimately, I know your fingerprints linger.

There’s not much I regret. Only that you didn’t get to experience this version of me. Yet. Would this version of me even exist without you? Would you even care to experience it?

I don’t know.

I feel that I have lived a thousand lives since things ended. I only have you to thank really. To be loved is to be changed, but also to love is to change. The love I had for you is the reason I am able to see life like this now.

The channels in the world I’m tuned into would not be the same.

I can remember the photographs you took that looked just how ambient music sounds. I loved every second of it.

That doesn’t mean I was fully there.

Did I really love you or just the idea of you?

I don’t know if we can be friends but there are days that I wish we could find a new dynamic.

I think we still make a wonderful platonic pair.

Making space for newness.

I find people who match so many parts of me everyday. The loneliness I felt with you dissipating. I wanted you to be my everything. Shape you into a box that would never fit. I wanted you to fill the void I felt in my soul.

I’ve not been freed from the unknowing of my own world but I feel more that it is a universe to be discovered, rather than a shape meant to be contained.

Grief is a perpetual scar that may open any day but I cherish this one life I get to experience it. In infinite existences, this one has likely already been opened and sealed millions of times.