Letters to Jason

"A word that conveys a deep sense of longing closer to grief is the German term "Sehnsucht." This word expresses an intense yearning or longing, often with an element of wistful grief for something unattainable or lost." ^From ChatGPT, because I couldn't think of a word that captures how I'm feeling now as I listen to spiritual choral music which is something I loved singing back in the day. As usual, it led me back to you. I love you, Jay. I miss you. I long to talk to you, to hug you. All good things that happen, everything worth celebrating, after you were taken, are bittersweet. Like, where I am is exactly where wished to be when I was young. All I have now is everything that I wished for when I was a kid. All EXCEPT for one thing. You. You're the missing piece. And I will never be whole again. I divide the world, my world, my timeline, into two: the world with you, and the one without you. As days go by, the farther I am from you. This is why I dread new years, because it means another year away from you. The distance grows and grows, and I can no longer go back to hug you, to talk to you, to hear your voice. We've left you behind. And there are so many things I want to say to you, to ask you. Did I make you feel loved? Did I do enough to let you know how much you mean to me? Did I give you enough attention? I have a feeling that the answer to all of this is no, but you're no longer here to make me feel better and to pretend that I did enough. And I guess that's my punishment for not doing enough. Before and after you died. I'm sorry. I miss you. I love you.

I miss you. I miss playing duets with you. I miss you when Wolfe plays video games. He loves Minecraft and I couldn't help but think that you would have been the perfect mentor for him. I'll tell him about your sheep, and the giant one you made. Your blockmates showed us. I'll tell you about your kuya's wedding in another post. But basically we made him cry. He misses you so much. Love you, Jay. Always and forever.

I remember the shape of your hand, your fingers, the pimples on your back and your nose, your smile, your unruly hair, your thick eyebrows, you skinny but batak chest, your hairy legs (but kuya’s is hairier I think). Miss you, Jay. I wish I could remember every memory I have of you so that I could put it here.

I love you and I miss you everyday. 

You are in my thoughts everyday, even though I don’t write to you anymore. I love you so much. I wish you were here.

Happy birthday, Jay. You’d have turned 21 today. Binata na. I miss you so much.

Hi Jay! I was looking for a charger earlier when I saw your charger. I accidentally brought it with me. The reason why I have it is because you let me borrow your phone every time I visit. At this day and age wherein every millenial I know would not survive a day let alone a couple of weeks without their phone, you let me borrow yours - no questions asked. Thank you, Jay! You're a great bro! I love you! Ate Mariss

Ate

Ate Jem

Having been recent migrants to Las Pinas City, we did not always have the opportunity to attend the many clan reunions and other get-togethers in the past. Eking out a living, looking after so many kids (I married a man with 4 kids) plus, lately, looking after our parents the last of whom crossed the Great Divide in 2010, we had to pass up on many chances to meet up with you, your parents, and my other relatives here. And, on those few times, we had fewer chances to really talk and have meaningful interactions. The one glimpse of Jason's character that I had a privilege of catching was during that memorable birthday party of the cute baby girl called Mandy. It was held at the The Village and while my 3 kids were enjoying swimming in the many big pools, I was seated at a table trying to finish editing a manuscript that was supposed to become a textbook for public high school students. Jason and his mother were seated at the same table where I was and, while I had been done eating, Jason was just beginning to eat his food. But, he had hardly seated when his father called him. "Jay, please get me a glass of water." Obediently and silently, the young man got up and got his Dad a glass of water. As he was about to retake his seat, his Dad called again, "Jay, please get me some dessert." Again, without saying a word, the young man got up and obediently got what his father had asked for. As he was about to return to his chair, his Dad asked him another favor again which Jason did again without a word of complaint. Fascinated, I thought to myself, "What a good boy! If he were my Juris, he would have begun complaining a long time ago!" As he was about to return to his chair, his Dad called out again, "Jay, please--" I could not help myself any longer. "Kuya," I asked, quite annoyed on Jason's behalf, "what wrong has this kid done to you that you are punishing him so? Look, he's so skinny! Why don't you let him sit down and finish his food?" At that, his father let him be to eat in peace.

Ate Ugly

Hello Jejay! Remember when we walked in Tagaytay one morning? It was just the two of us. We had a long walk and we would always get scared when we would hear a dog bark. So, you grabbed a stick and told me na matatakot iyong dogs from palo. Even if you were my baby brother, I let you keep me safe. We're not doing too bad - the family I mean. It's still incomplete but we're making do. I love you, Jay! Ate Mariss

P.S. One of your friends messaged me on Facebook. He said he thought about you and felt guilty that he didn't get to talk to you again when you guys were not classmates anymore.

Ate Jem

Hi Jay! It's so cold now here in the US. I remember that when you would get cold your teeth would chatter. At first, I would think that you're faking it and I would tell you to stop acting. Little did I know, you were really that cold! I miss you, bro. Love, Ate Mariss

Love you, bro.

Ate Jem