letters from altus

whatever the reason, i am grateful for it. his spirit shines so brightly despite all the darkness of this land. he is beautiful.

as i rest my body beside grace, my mind finds its way to the time before demigods and divine crusades. before the blade. before even the Academy. before this thing that i have now become. where once i would step slowly through the woodlands, i now tread without thought. where once i would hunt for herb and fungus, i now hunt for beast and baron. and yet despite my cruelty, the flora and fauna still speak with me. the eagles and owls still tell me their secrets. sprouts remain quelled as i pass. i am allowed still, to be among them as i once was. to be as of the forest. simply, to be. it is through them that i remember who i am. it is through them that my soul is kept. it is through them that i hope to find my way back.

they took me in immediately and treated me as one of their own. i was naive to think that my studies and observations into the inner workings of things would be beneficial to them, but their primeval understandings make my insight and experiences seem trivial and fraught. they were gracious not to show it. the whispers and warnings of what transpires in Dominula are, to my mind, founded on the superstitions and hatred for womanhood that have persisted for eons. thankfully, it does not appear to affect them, as they feel no shame in their way of life. and yet if there were secrets to be kept, they would be held safely with me.

all know of the noble Goldmask, catalyst of many lectures and debates within the academy's halls and dormitories. he is devotion personified, or at least molded into flesh. he alone shows us what we are, and what we are not. our fears, our failures. for none is as he. i do not believe man to be capable of holiness. and yet. my encounters with him will live in my heart and mind as long as i live. it is as if bearing witness to a god, and i have slain gods. i do not feel judgment in his presence, though nor do i sense tranquility. it is difficult to parse. it is a feeling of balance, not of equal parts, but in opposition. of the past, and of the now, and of the future, as if to occur at once. ages become an instant, moments become eternities. it is an understanding that there is an understanding. chaos is of order, just as order is of chaos. i am as an ant, as the gods are, as their gods are, and their gods further beyond. and so i am as a god.

to say that Torrent has been by my side every step of this journey is a fallacy, for it is he who takes most of the steps! every steed is more than a mount. they become our friends, our comrades in arms. Torrent is more than that. his warmth has kept me alive through the coldest of nights. his calm and steady heart has kept me sane through the most trying of times. we have outrun dragons. we have slain dragons. from the highest mountains to the darkest depths, all things are possible with Torrent. he is my safety, my home. i trust him not with my life, but with the lives of all. i was called to serve Melina but in truth, i fight for Torrent. i will live up to the faith he has placed in me. i will not fail him.

i have taken up the blade and i now carry the weight. i once thought death could be known through scholarship; that it was another force to be tamed. but death is not in the stars, it is with us here on the earth we stand. i have become proficient in death, and she has become proficient in me. we are as old friends now.

this armor that was not made for me cuts into my flesh. the cold and damp has settled into my bones. i have tired. my hands have trembled. but i have not lost hope. onward.