Letter to Peter

I trust my destiny and fate but I’m scared for the future

I know everting will finally get in a way but I don’t know what way it’ll be

I still didn’t get him out of my mind, every night I’ll sent a prayer and hope god will hear me

I still miss him like it was yesterday, every day I think about how he would had live his life

I don’t even fell relevant feeling what I feel, was our friendship even true ?

I loved him so much, if only I could have done something before

Now he’s gone and I’m left alone, everybody else already moved on

Nathan, I could never forget

May you rest in heaven and my mind find peace

I hit a wall, ouch” - Dressed like rappers / Isaiah Rashad

So yes, I’ve been depressed, I just went for a huge time of depression, my longest that have ever happened. It lasted since May 2016 to June 2017. One fucking year of dark thoughts and hard times.

It all started at the end of the high school, when I realize that I was going to loose many friends, that I will never see them again or not much, when I realize it was the end of an era.

So then started a long time of overwhelming thoughts, making me drowning in every step I made. Then I went to college, a medicine school, new town, new little flat, totally alone. So my depression just keep going on, and all the stress of this new life with many issues (such as money) and the stress of the school just made everything worse.

I remember laying down on the floor staring at the ceiling, or sitting in a corner of the room or into the shower, all of these moments when I was overwhelmed and couldn’t do anything…

But it ended, at last. I could precisely tell you the day and the hour, the 23rd may 2017. After my last exam of the year, I went outside and all I could see was light, a world brighter, and I felt relieved. Even if I did failed my exams, that couldn’t bother me, I was feeling free, I felt the dark haze surrounding me since one year disappear, and I could finally see where I was stepping. But most of all, I was feeling happy and brave, for overcoming this situation. I did survive !

Now, four months later, I’m still out of this shit, but I’m still fighting. Maybe I’m fighting even harder. I think the hardest thing to do is to stay out of the depression. Like there’s a hole over there and I’m trying my best not to fall in it again. I think it makes me a little more anxious, like I have to make every step tiptoe and carefully, avoiding the hole, or the holes. But, even if it’s hard, I’m still fighting, because I just can’t stop, because winning this fight will be winning life, so losing will be… death ?

No matter what, I will fight.

Hey, there is something I have to tell you, something very important to me. And that is :

                           I’m depressive.

I know it’s quiet complicated and seem completely like non-sense but let me explain myself before you runaway, scrolling through your dashboard. Cause if there’s anything I’ve learn is that that word don’t mean the same thing for everybody. So I wanted to tell you what that mean to me.

First, I’ll say that my mood is always neutral, at any time or moment of my day, I’ll feel nothing, not happiness nor sadness. Emptiness. That’s the better word to describe it. It’s like a big hole, full of void in my chest which absorbs any feeling I’m suppose to have. 

But indeed I do feel sometimes, good and less good feelings. When I’m with you or other peoples I love, I can feel love and happiness your faces and laughs bring to me. When I’m alone at night in the dark, I do feel sad and terrify by the future or mostly by this emptiness. 

Sounds completely mad, eh ? Yeah, I maybe am after all, but I’m trying to take care of myself and heal. I mean, being depressive make me appreciate simple things you know, like receive a text from my friends, like reading a good love story with a happy ever after, like listen to music that makes me dance like a total idiot, so many little things that makes me feel like living ! 

But the other big deal with being depressive is that you can have a depression. It happen without warning, you just found yourself in the darkness, lost somewhere anywhere you’ll never know where, but still standing in your living room. Your mood will fall down, you’ll miss that sweet emptiness and feel grief and sorrow all day long, even eating your favorite meal or listening to your favorite song wouldn’t change anything. You just, you know, become the ghost of yourself, living through days waiting for better tomorrows, until the day it’ll finally stop. One of the best days of your life, your living again ! But the depression can last one day, one week or one year.

One of my biggest strength and flaw is that I think way too much, and I think that’s a total big problem when your depressive cause you’ll be thinkin’ about everything and turn it upside down in your head and torture yourself for no reason and nothing good can come from that. Like, you don’t really need to think about that day when you were 8 and did that stupid thing, but you’ll do, and that’ll only help you feeling bad.

You may wonder why I said all that. That’s because it’s true, that’s who I am, and I am tired of lying everyday, to you and to myself, I need you to know the truth cause you mean to me, I need me to say the truth so I can accept it. And I need you not to do like that don’t mean anything case yes that mean everything to me, and I need your support. Please, don’t let me in these darkness alone again.