Letowritings

https://my.w.tt/lBSV0XAKYV

It’s The Perfect Denial - Chapter 38

Shannon and I had been texting since I landed in LA. It was just casual conversation between friends I assured myself. He could have been talking to anyone, I reasoned. So, why did I feel so guilty? Staring down at his last message from the back seat of the cab, I couldn't help but smile. He did thoroughly kick my ass, playing that stupid video game, but in my own defense, I didn't have much experience. It was fun, I laughed it off. He made me feel like a teenager again and that's always a good thing when you're getting older. I read the message for the second time.

'You know Carrie, I suppose I'll have to let our little bet slide. Can't really see you taking me to dinner with all that's happened and not get the side eye from everyone. Just know that I'll enjoy occasionally reminding you how badly I beat you.

So, what are your plans for the evening?'

I knew what he said was the truth. It would seem awkward taking him out, and the last thing I wanted right now was any kind of unnecessary drama. I also knew I should just ignore his question and let the messaging end there, but I couldn't stop myself from responding.

'Heading over to see your favorite person and her new son before going home. 😊 Sara had her little boy while I was visiting Jared. After that, I'm going to pick up some take out and veg out on the couch and try to find a horror movie to get lost in. How about you? Another long night of video games lol?'

Pressing send the second as the cab came to a stop in front of Sara and Ryan's house, I sighed. I shoved my phone into my pocket and paid the driver before getting out and lugging my heavy bag with me. Walking up to the door, I dreaded the awkward encounter I knew was coming between Sara and me. Knocking loudly, I put on my best fake smile as Ryan opened the door. "Hey Carrie, come on in. She's on the couch feeding Chase." Ryan was always so nice to me. With his former bad boy image and deadly good looks, he was an amazing catch. Part of me was secretly jealous that Sara managed to hook a guy like him.

"Thanks." I left the bag in the foyer and nervously rubbed my sweaty hands up and down my jean clad legs. Their house was magnificent, so bright and beautifully furnished. I can remember skimming through magazines with her when we were young and picking out what we just knew our houses would look like as adults. From what I remembered, hers was almost every bit as nice as the ones she had chosen.

I walked quietly over to the couch and when Hannah and Savannah saw me, they bolted from their matching chairs and rushed over to greet me. "Aunt Carrie!"

"Hi there. Good to see you. I heard you have a new little brother." I leaned down, hugging them both. Hannah began telling me all about Chase while Savannah immediately began asking for a sleepover that I promised but never followed through on. Maybe Sara wouldn't even allow it. I'm probably not the kind of influence she'd want on her daughters. "Um, well, you're gonna have to ask mommy about that one, but I do have a surprise for you two in my bag."

I rushed over to my bag to grab the snow globes and outfit for Chase I had gotten in Boston. I watched Sara cringe and Ryan Immediately take hold of the two glass globes. Shit, I guess they weren't such awesome gifts after all. Ryan placed them on the table and Sara spoke again, probably trying to deflect the look of horror I saw on her face when I handed each one their gift. "Alright girls, what do you say to Aunt Carrie?"

"But I want to play with it." Savannah whined.

"Later. Tell Carrie thank you, both of you."

"Thank you." They offered in unison, and while Hannah had become interested in the movie, Savannah wouldn't leave my side.

"Sorry." I whispered to Sara, biting my lip and silently scolding myself for not giving their gifts a little more thought. Savannah stared at Ryan, who carried the seized globes out of the room. "Well, this one is better, I promise." I handed over the outfit I picked out for the baby.

"Girls, back up and let her sit down and see your brother. I think the two of you need to finish the popcorn that daddy was nice enough to make for you. Once the movie is over, it's bedtime." As I sat down, she handed the baby to me and then stood up. "Sorry, I have no idea why they are so hyper tonight."

"It's okay." I stared down at the tiny baby in my arms and immediately took notice of his big brown eyes. While the girls favored Sara, Chase certainly looked every bit like his father. "Wow, what a cutie." He yawned and I was again reminded of my own situation. I'd never have this. Jared wasn't the type to want children. He lived the rock star life and didn't seem to want a traditional relationship. "He's absolutely perfect. Congratulations you guys."

"Thank you." Ryan was the first to respond, nodding in my direction as he disappeared into the kitchen.

"That's it, I'm done. Had my tubes tied." Sara chimed in. She was picking up the few pieces of popcorn that were lying on the floor near the two small pink recliners in front of the coffee table. "If I have to watch Frozen one more time, I'm gonna scream!" Her tone was normal, but I knew her feelings were hurt.

My phone chimed again and I shifted, deciding to ignore it for now. "I can only imagine."

She disappeared to toss the popcorn into the trash and returned. Ryan also came back and they both sat down next to me. Small talk continued for the remainder of the movie. Chase sucked on his pacifier and finally fell asleep. It had been so long since I last held a baby and I was enjoying it. He smelled so good and it stirred those feelings inside me again. I was brought back to that day in Seattle, in the back of the cab. I thought of how I felt, watching that family of three walking to their red minivan. I smiled, remembering the cute little girl with pigtails being swung by her parents.

Eventually Ryan turned the tv off and took the girls upstairs to get them ready for bed. Sara and I were left alone with Chase. When he started moving around, she took him and I pulled my phone out to see another message from Shannon.

'Oh damn, tell her I said Congratulations. 🎈 she hates me so much! 😂

You and those horror flicks! Ok, I'll admit it, I'm a little jealous. Yep, it's our night off and I'm sure at some point I'll resort to playing video games. Some things never change, yet nothing in my life seems the same anymore.'

That last sentence got me. I knew he was talking about what happened between us, but before I could dwell on it, Sara said my name aloud. "Is that Jared?"

"Uh, no. It's Josh," I lied. I quickly shoved the device into my pocket. "I'm really sorry I wasn't here for the birth. You know, I felt guilty as hell when Ry called, but what could I do?"

"It's fine. I can't expect you to stop your life for me. You're here now and that's all that matters." Her tone was still a little off.

"And I wasn't thinking when I got the girls glass snow globes." I rolled my eyes at my own stupidity.

"It's fine babe. How were things being around the asshole again?" Shannon was right, she really did hate him.

It’s The Perfect Denial - Chapter 37

     Goodbyes were never easy, but somehow this time seemed even harder than ever before. "You okay, Carrie? You seem really quiet this morning." It was true, she hardly spoke to me at all and at first, I was certain she was just depressed about going home, but now I was beginning to wonder if there was more to it.

  "I'm fine. I'm sorry that I've been a little distant. It's just that I have this job coming up that I'm really dreading, and unfortunately, it's not something that Josh can handle on his own. And also, before I can even go home tonight, I need to stop in at Sara's to visit with the girls and the new baby, and fuck, I'm so tired already."

  Squeezing her hand hard, I snickered. "Well, you did stay up fairly late last night playing video games with Shannon." She didn't tell me they made up, but when I woke up to an empty bunk at two am, I could hear them playfully bickering in the back of the bus. I was thrilled to catch them actually smiling at each other, but still couldn't help wondering where it would go from there. Would they resolve to give it another try, and if so, how did that make me feel?

    She avoided my eyes, but there was a faint curving to her perfect lips. "Yeah, I don't normally play video games, but I only wanted him to know that I don't hold grudges. I care very much for Shannon, and I won't lie to you, his betrayal still hurts, but I absolutely do believe in forgiveness. He apologized and this time I could just tell it was completely genuine. And anyway Jared, it wasn't fair to you that we were arguing. I love you and I only want to make you happy. I guess I  realized that me fighting with him would simply put more of a strain on our relationship, and I definitely don't want that."

   Drawing the tube of chapstick from my pocket, I removed the cap and applied it to my lips. I stayed quiet and watched her watching me out the corner of my eye. Stirring in my seat, I finally responded. "So, first of all I'd like to say thank you for accepting his apology. I realize that took a lot because what he did was so awful. And you're right, it's difficult for me to watch you guys fight, so yeah, I'm thankful it's over now. Come here." She scooted even closer and as I leaned in to kiss her neck, the small hairs on my arms stood on end. Her perfume can be so intoxicating and I suddenly regretted not getting a hotel room for our final night together. My arms wrapped around her and I hated having to part ways again.

   She pressed her forehead against mine and it was complete silence between us as we slowly drifted toward the airport. I looked over both of our schedules for the next month and knew we'd probably not see each other much at all. This was why my relationships never worked out, too much time apart.

   Eventually we arrived and I hopped out of the car, taking her hand and walking her as far as I could. There we stood, locked in an embrace and clinging to each other as people passed us by. She released me and wiped her eyes. I shoved my sunglasses on after our very public display of affection, and walked in the opposite direction.

     I haven't felt this strongly about a woman in a very long time, and I knew that after all we had been through, I couldn't lose her. On one hand, I wanted some kind of commitment, but on the other, was it really fair of me to ask for such a thing? She and Shannon made up and while I was relieved, it was also eating at me, wondering if they'd pick up where they left off. She loved him, still does, and I did my part in pushing her into our three way relationship, so would it be fair of me to ask for monogamy?

    When I arrived back to the bus, it was empty. Everyone had gone to lunch I assumed. I settled for a bowl of cereal and waited for Shannon to return. I'd ask that he join me for a walk and have a much needed discussion about Carrie.

   He was the last one to roll in about an hour and a half later. "What's up?" He asked, walking toward his bunk and changed his shoes. Shayla was on the laptop and this subject wasn't something to be discussed in front of others.

  "How about a walk, just the two of us?"

"Sure, but can you give me about five minutes, I need to take this." He held up his phone.

  Nodding, I watched Shan exit the bus and continued drawing on the napkin in front of me. He returned a few minutes later, popping his head in. "Ready Jay?"

     "Yeah." I stood up, shoving the silly drawing aside and walked to my bunk. I put my shoes on and marched outside for some bro time. "Have a good lunch?"

"It was alright."

With each step forward, I struggled with what to say to him. I knew there was only one question I wanted to ask, but the last thing I wanted was to come across as a prick, so I didn't say anything at all.

Shannon trudged along, staying quiet until it began to feel a little uncomfortable. "Alright, I know there's a reason you asked me to come along, so spit it out."

Clenching my jaw, I stared at people in the distance getting into a car and then back down at my feet. "I, uh, know that you and Carrie made up and I'm glad, I really am. It was getting a little out of hand there and I'm not sure which one of you actually confronted the other-" He cut me off.

"She did."

"Okay, well, regardless, I'm glad you guys could agree to be friends again. I was worried about how it would look to other people, you know? All the fighting. So, it will stay that way, like the next time we're all together, right?"

   He stopped in the middle of the street and cocked his head to the side. "Why wouldn't it?" Immediately, I could feel the tension rising. "You didn't really ask me to take a fucking walk to say you're glad we made up. What's going on?"

  I didn't want to fight with him, but he could see right through me. We were closer than most siblings and Shannon knew me better than I knew myself. I didn't beat around the bush, I balled my fists and blurted my question out. "Are you  planning on being with her again?"

It’s The Perfect Denial

Chapter 36

   "Can I please come in?" I snarled with just about as much hostility as he had spoken to me with over the last few days. "I'd like to talk to you about something."

  Clenching his jaw, he thought it over for a few seconds before stepping back and holding the door open for me to enter. He refused to even look at me and once I was inside, quickly turned his back to me. "What can I do for you Carrie?" He was glaring at my reflection in the mirror as if I were invading his privacy. The fucking nerve of this motherfucker.

  "I know you're very angry with me, which is absolute bullshit by the way because I did nothing wrong.. but being the mature one here, I'd like for us to put that shit in the past and call a truce. It's not fair to everyone around us to have to feel all of this uncomfortable bitterness, especially when they have no idea what's really been going on. That might appear a little strange, don't you think?"

  Shannon grinned, but not nicely. Without an ounce of shyness he stripped out of his sweaty clothing, making me roll my eyes and spin around to avoid looking at it. "Aww, is Carrie suddenly worried about her precious little reputation? Funny sweetheart, you didn't seem to give a damn about that when you were fucking both of us."

    Hot burning rage seared through my veins and I twisted around so fast, not giving a single fuck about his nakedness or my reddening cheeks. "You asshole!" I shoved him hard enough to make him stumble back a few steps. "Who do you think you are? If I remember correctly, it was YOU that kept coming on to ME! I didn't seek you out Shannon, and of course I do take full responsibility for my actions. You can be extremely charming when you want to be. However, it never would have happened if you weren't such an entitled prick!" I paced back and forth, having so much more to say to him, so much more to call him out on, but failed to gather my words before he lashed out.

"Fuck you!" His nostrils flared when he screamed at me, but I refused to back down. I watched, relieved to see him fasten his pants.

"Fuck you!" I screamed back. He  wasn't going to break me down this time. I was determined not to cry. He dressed as fast as he could and I moved a little closer. My voice lowered, almost to a whisper. "Wow. I guess I made a mistake. See, I came here to call a truce with you, not for me, but for Jared. He's not innocent in all of this, but he doesn't deserve all of the blame. He's got enough stress on his shoulders as it is dealing with the band, the crew, and all of his responsibilities. He doesn't need any more, and I just assumed that you cared enough about him to want to make things easier. Clearly you don't and I'm sorry that I bothered you." I stalked toward the door, but was cut off by him darting in front of me.

   "Wait."

"Why, do you want to insult me some more?" I was angry as hell, but even more so, it took all I had to hold myself together. I'd never seen this side of Shannon before and it hurt.

    "No, I'm not gonna insult you." His voice softened and he sighed. "Fuck, I don't know where to start."

"Just say what you want to say Shannon, I'm tired and need to get back to Jared."

I watched him walk over to the couch and sit down. He took a deep breath and avoided my eyes while he spoke. "I'm sorry Carrie. Everything you said is right. I am a selfish asshole and I one hundred percent did pursue you."

    Holy shit, did I finally reach him? Honestly, I didn't know what to believe anymore. He seemed so genuine when he had come to my house that night, apologizing and promising to stay out of my way. "I'm glad you acknowledge that, but it changes nothing."

Nodding, he finally allowed his eyes to meet mine. "I chased you harder than I ever chased anyone, and to be honest with you, I never had to do that before. I guess I knew you'd eventually give in. Jesus, this whole thing is really fucked up."

"I won't argue there." Finally, he was making a little sense.

Both hands rubbed over his stubble covered face. "The whole Dom thing and fucking Madison on the bus, I don't know why I do stupid things. All I know is that I figured if you hated me it would somehow make things easier."

"Look, Shannon, I don't want to hate you." My eyes began to water and I squeezed my fist so tight that I could feel my fingernails cutting into my palms. I'll try once more and if this doesn't work, I'm going to have to make some difficult decisions. Oh well, here goes nothing. "Can't we just agree to be civilized? We don't have to hang out, or have meals together, or ever agree to be friends. All we have to do is tolerate each other when we are in the same vicinity. Is that so hard?"

   It was complete silence as he mulled over what had just transpired and my words. "I can do that." He spoke so softly I almost didn't hear him.

  "Thank you." Just as I turned to leave I heard my name and glanced back at him.

   "I mean it this time."

God, I hoped he meant it. Nodding, I left and went back to Jared's dressing room without another word. I had no intention of mentioning my conversation with Shannon to Jared at all. "And where did you sneak off to?" Arms wrapped around me from behind and I relaxed into him.

   "Just to get some air." His arms clenched me even tighter and I grinned. In the short time I was gone, he had showered and gotten dressed. The delicious scent of his favorite shampoo still lingered in his wet hair.

  "Don't disappear on me again. I'm almost ready to get out of here." He kissed my neck just before releasing me and I began gathering my things to leave.

Two and a half hours later, I lay wide awake in Jared's bunk. With his chest pressed firmly against my back and his warm breath on my skin, I hoped to just fall asleep. I was tired and it had been a stressful few days, but for some reason, I just couldn't. Shifting in my spot, I crawled over him and got up. I walked down the narrow hallway toward the bathroom, noticing out the corner of my eye, the bright illumination of the television coming from the back of the bus.

It’s The Perfect Denial

Chapter 35

          The bus rolled into the next town and I sat there, staring down at my phone while Jared worked on a song that I knew would be stuck in my head for days to come. With Tomo and Vicki busy watching a movie at the back of the bus, and Shayla curled up in Shannon's bunk with a horrible migraine, Jared and I were basically alone.

My eyes focused on the game that I was currently playing, but my mind was busy shuffling through memories, struggling to come to terms with this new reality. I had only picked at my leftover take out from the night before.

I drifted back to the day that Shannon picked me up to leave for Wyoming. I hadn't spoken to either of them for two whole weeks, and neither were happy about it, but still Shannon showed up with a smile on his beautiful face. He followed me to my bedroom and watched as I continued to play off just how uncomfortable I had been about our trip to New York. I recalled the way he spun me around while I was packing. Staring deep into my eyes, I felt that unbreakable connection we had. It was magical and I felt like he really got me, really understood my feelings. I could still see the serious expression on his face as he spoke to me. "I'm not stupid, I know that what happened between the three of us is the reason you've been distant, but if it's the individual relationships you're worried about, you can stop. Jared and I will both tell you the same thing, it changes nothing. Look, I don't want you to worry about this. I've got a great weekend planned and I want you to just forget about everything else. It's just you and me, okay?"

My lips trembled replaying that last sentence over and over. We were so happy then, all of us. Shannon had been so sweet, going all out with a romantic dinner and then surprising me with a hot air balloon ride the next day. He was so genuine, so sweet, and I honestly felt like our connection had only grown stronger during that trip.

     It was hard to imagine that Shannon really was this overbearing prick who said all of those awful things to me yesterday. I mean, I know people can say some shitty things when they're hurt or upset, but he was just brutal. My heart clenched in my chest and I bit my lip to stifle the sigh that escaped.

  It took me a few seconds to realize that the music stopped and Jared wandered over to sit down next to me. His cheerful voice cut right through the silence and he bumped his shoulder against mine. "Hey you."

  "Hey, why'd you stop?" God, I felt so guilty. Guilty and stupid for wasting my time thinking about someone who clearly didn't care about me. I had a man right next to me who truly loved and wanted me. The bond I had with him was just as strong as the one I had with Shannon, if not stronger. So, why was I still depressed?

  "I need a break." Jared shrugged, picking up my fork and taking a bite of my fried rice. Making a face, he stood up and took with him the container over to the microwave to reheat it. "You're thinking about Shan?" I watched him shove the plastic spork into his mouth and lean back, staring at me.

  His question sounded more like a statement and I glanced down at my phone and then back up at him. "Not really."

  "Come on Carrie, don't lie to me. How many times do I have to tell you that you don't have to pretend with me?" He narrowed his eyes at me and paused for a few seconds. "I have to tell you something. Do you know how I know you're thinking about him?"

"How?"

   "Because you get this pained look on your face and then you get real quiet. It's so obvious."

"It's okay, Carrie, I get it, you still have feelings for him and I'm not judging you for that." Pulling the spork from his mouth, he opened the door to the microwave and pulled the container out, dropping it onto the countertop. He grabbed the blue pot holder from the hook and carried the small container back over to the empty spot next to me. "You can't change who you love, right?"

  "I don't want to love someone so cold hearted and cruel." It was the truth, he really hurt my feelings talking to me the way he did.

"Babe, I don't know how you don't see it."

"See what?"

"That he's only acting this way and treating you so badly because he's hurt. I know for a fact that he fell hard for you. Why do you think he acted like he did when my mother caught you and me together?" He asked, raising his eyebrows. When I only shrugged my shoulders, he chuckled and responded. "He's in love with you still." Holding his hand up to stop me from bringing Dominique up again, he nodded his head and continued. "Yes, I know he's wrong for the whole Dom thing, but I believe he just made a stupid decision and unfortunately, the damage is done." Scooping up some rice, he held it closer for me to take a bite, but I was full and waved it away. There were so many qualities I loved about Jared, but one of my favorites, perhaps, was his selflessness and attentiveness. He always thought of everyone else's feelings and usually before his own. This was the perfect example right here. He could deny it all he wanted, but I knew that when I talked about Shannon, it bothered him. Still, he spoke on his brother's behalf, wanting to make sure I understood why he was so upset.

  "I don't feel sorry for him. This whole situation is like it is because of him! He knew what he was doing that night when he tried to make me think she was you, Jared! I swear to God when I start missing him, all I have to do is think of that moment and I get angry all over again. I just can't feel bad for him. Look, I promise I will never try to come between the two of you, but please don't try to make me feel sympathetic toward him. I have you and that's all I need."

    He leaned in closer, slithering an arm around me and kissing my forehead. "And I'm totally satisfied as well, but I was just trying to get you to understand why he feels the way he does." I snuggled closer, enjoying our semi alone time.

  A few hours later, Jared was pacing his dressing room, beginning to worry that Shannon might not show. He missed the meet and greet and came sauntering in, a few minutes before the start of the show. Walking straight to the dressing room, he hurried inside, slamming the door closed behind him. I took one look at Shannon and knew he was in the same clothes from the day before and made up my mind that I had to call a truce. Things couldn't go on this way every time we saw each other. But the question was, would he agree to it?

   I took my place at the side of the stage and watched the show. As usual, it was pure perfection, and Jared seemed happy. Looking out at the crowd, it was like a river of people that went on forever. Slipping in with the fans at the side of the stage, I could have been any one of them, singing along as the band delivered a breathtaking performance.

It’s The Perfect Denial

Chapter 34

       Shannon licked over his lips and looked away. My eyes traveled down his sweaty torso, but quickly darted away when I noticed that Jared turned his attention back to me. "Well, what's going on? Let's hear it."

   "Nothing." I tried to sound convincing, but a fake smile wouldn't work this time. He was really angry and I glanced down at my fingers. Mindlessly, I picked at the black nail polish that was just  beginning to peel.

  "What was that whole fucking thing about your phone? You guys fought on the bus?" I avoided his eyes and he grew impatient, peeling his sweaty shirt off and gathering his long hair up in a bun. "What did you do Shannon?!" His eyes flashed with anger. It must suck to be in the middle of an argument between two people you love.

  "We just had a little disagreement, that's all." The last thing I wanted was for them to fight over this. I knew that with the shows Shannon missed and his little disappearing act, he was probably on thin ice with Jared. No need to get him any more angry than he already was. However, Shannon took it upon himself to blurt out the truth.

  "A little disagreement?" His eyes flickered and his lips curled upward. "I was fucking Madison on the bus and Carrie popped in to grab her phone." No matter how hard I tried to get the vision of Shannon and that woman out of my head, I just couldn't. The expression on her face and the anger in Shannon's just stuck with me and I wanted to scream in frustration.

  "On the bus? Jesus, I'm gonna take a guess and say it wasn't in your bunk." Jared sighed, rolling his eyes.

  "You're right, I bent her over the table, but don't worry Jared, I cleaned it afterward."

"Couldn't just leave it as a disagreement, could you?" I glared at Shannon, grinding my teeth in anger. I refused to look away even as my lips trembled and my eyes brimmed heavy with tears.

"Oh, and I invited Carrie to join in, but knew that would never happen, so then I told her to get the fuck out. I also made a comment about how much she loves having threesomes with two men." He stared me down, cocking his head to the side as he tattled on himself. Shifting toward Jared, he spoke again. "What are you gonna do, ground me? Can I go now dad, I have shit to do?"

"Why the hell would you say those things?" Jared asked, looking completely dumbfounded.

"Because this is who I am and she needs to know it. Have a great fucking night lovebirds."

"Way to go genius, I was trying to save him the dirty details and keep him from becoming even angrier with you."

  "Whatever, don't do me any favors Carrie." He exited, slamming the door.

  Slipping a clean shirt over his head, Jared looked at me. "Are you alright babe?" He sat down next to me, rubbing his hand up and down my back. "Look, maybe we should get a hotel room tonight. I know I said we'd have to stay on the bus, but fuck it, I'm not gonna tolerate him treating you like that."

  Hiding my emotions was impossible and as I wiped the tear from my eye, I nodded. "Thank you, I appreciate that. A break would be good for all of us."

"You're welcome. Let me make a call and we can get out of here."

Before he could get up, I wrapped my arm around him. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you what happened before, but I just didn't want to start a fight before the show."

  Cupping my face, Jared leaned forward, pressing his head against mine. Immediately, I parted my lips and accepted his tongue into my mouth. He put my mind at ease and only confirmed what I already knew. His love was pure and undemanding and I felt cherished when I was with him. "I love you."

   "You better, I'm giving up a night in an uncomfortable bunk, sleeping near my moody ass brother for you." He winked as he got up and grabbed his phone. "Be back in a few." He left the room and I got up and started gathering all of our things.

  One night away from the bus wasn't the answer to the problems, but it was a quick solution, and it helped me clear my head. The next day, we all met up for lunch at a cute little cafe. Jared and I still hadn't spoken to Shannon and as we sat in the restaurant, I sat quietly, watching him flirt with a fan who noticed them right away. They sparked up a conversation and I cringed, watching the calamity unfold right in front of us. He called her sweetheart, just like he used to call me. I can't lie, it stung worse than I expected, and I lost my appetite after just a few bites, but I refused to let it get to me.

     Shannon was quite the charmer, but it really didn't take much to woo this one. She ditched her friends at the first mention of hanging out. When we left the little diner, Shannon and his new friend went one way, and we went another.

Later, I lay in the bunk listening to Jared pace back and forth. He called Shannon endlessly, leaving message after message, but got no response. At some point, I must have dozed off because I realized we were moving when Jared crawled into the bunk. He wrapped an arm around me and gave a tight squeeze. "What happened?" I whispered.

It’s The Perfect Denial - Chapter 33

Shannon’s eyes narrowed as if the sight of me disgusted him. I stood there, frozen, somewhere between shocked and embarrassed, and unable to force myself to move. “Seriously, get out! Unless you plan to join in.” His infuriating smirk and the shitty comment should have been enough to make me leave, and never have another thought about him. I couldn’t help but wonder if the busty brunette could read the expression on my face and piece everything together with the bitterness of Shannon’s words. “Oh yeah, I forgot, you only engage in a threesome if it involves two men. Just get the fuck out.” My stomach tightened and the remnants of my little Chex mix snack earlier was threatening to come up.

“Fuck you Shannon!” I couldn’t stop my voice from cracking as I turned and bolted out the door, leaving behind my phone. Once outside, I moved around the massive bus, vomiting just out of sight of the muscular security guard walking by. Heaving like mad, I took a few deep breaths to calm myself and leaned against the back of the bus. How did things get this ugly between us? It hurt so much to know just how little I meant to him and I felt stupid for falling for his lies to begin with.

I finally got my emotions in check and began pacing back and forth. Gargling a mouthful of water from the nearly empty bottle in my hand, I spit it onto the ground. I just wanted to rid myself of the putrid taste of puke still lingering in my mouth.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out the peppermint Shayla had given me earlier. God bless her for being sweet and caring. Walking in through the side entrance of the huge arena, I must have made a wrong turn somewhere and gotten myself lost. Tugging at the pass hanging from my neck, I quickly began to backtrack. That place was like a fucking maze and panic was starting to set in, but as I rounded the corner, I saw some familiar faces and felt the tension in my shoulders begin to lift.

Entering Jared’s dressing room, I watched him give me a half smile to my reflection in the mirror and then spin around quickly. “You feeling okay? Your face is all red.” Stepping closer, he put his hand to my forehead. “No fever.”

I cleared my throat and sighed. “I just got lost, that’s all.” My voice trailed off and I couldn’t get the vision of Shannon’s angry face out of my mind. “This place is so confusing.” I changed the subject, not wanting to talk about Shannon before the show.

“I’m sorry, you could’ve called me. I would have had someone come find you.” He responded, checking himself out in the mirror. I loved the all black attire for the night. “You sure you’re okay?” Jared’s eyes searched mine in the mirror and I faked a smile, intent on making him feel comfortable so he could focus on himself. The last thing I needed was to give him cause to worry right before going on stage.

I never uttered a single word about not having my phone and considered going back to the bus to retrieve it once the show started. All I knew was that I wanted to avoid Shannon at all cost. I sat on the couch, flipping through a magazine while my man put his shoes on.

I paused on a page about redecorating small spaces, as if anything other than what I witnessed earlier could hold my attention. “Hmm?” I turned to glance at him.

“I said you’re extra quiet.”

“It’s just been a long day and I’m still feeling a little guilty for not being there for Sara.” Sighing, I tossed the magazine down on the table. “I should really run out and try to pick out a gift tomorrow.”

“Yeah, of course, I’ll go with you if you want. I’m sure Sara understands, she does have a husband, you know? Have you even spoken to her today?” There was a knock on the door and as he got up to answer it, he spun around in anticipation of my response.

“For a few minutes this afternoon, but she was kind of short with me.” The whole thing with Sara was on my mind, but it was shoved to the back after walking in on Shannon. I knew exactly how to make things right with Sara. All I needed to do was bring her a nice gift for Chase and pick up some cheesecake brownies from our favorite bakery. She was a hardcore addict and even Ryan has used those delicious treats to get himself out of the doghouse.

Jared stuck his head out the door, talking to someone and then disappeared for a while. Slouching in my seat, I fucking dreaded getting on that bus and being stuck in such close proximity to Shannon. Jared returned, closed the door and clasped his hands together. “It’s time to go. Uh, you can come with me and stand at the side of the stage, or you are free to chill out in here. Whatever you wanna do is fine with me.”

As much as I wanted to avoid a certain someone, I also wanted to support the band. “I’m coming with you.” I got up and followed him out of the dressing room. Just before we reached the side of the stage, Shannon approached and handed me my phone. “In your angry rage, you left this on the bus. Nice screensaver though, your smile looks almost believable.” He snarled as he walked off, closer to where they would enter the stage. I bit the inside of my cheek so hard that I could taste blood. He was talking about the photo I took of Jared and me from the night of Alex’s party. I think we looked nice together, and even though I was smiling, I was also very tense. The reason for that was Shannon parading Dom all around that party like she was a fucking prize or something. I would’ve loved to remind him of that, but unfortunately the timing couldn’t have been worse.

The puzzled expression on Jared’s face as he watched my phone being handed over made me feel so guilty. I didn’t know why, I did nothing wrong. “What happened?”

“It’s not important. We can talk about it later.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his lips. Something flashed beneath the surface of his blank stare and I knew he was annoyed. But was he annoyed with me, or the situation itself? To be left in the dark at such a bad time sucked, but it really wasn’t the time or place to explain it all.

I stood near the screaming fans, at the side of the stage. It was nice to stand back and watch Jared instantly transform from regular everyday Jared, to Jared the rock star. It was so easy for him to turn everything off and focus on the show and his fans. I envied that. He put on quite the performance, taunting the females in the crowd by raising his shirt. That body was magnificent and I couldn’t help but grin at the screams coming from the group near the side of the stage.

It’s The Perfect Denial

Chapter 32

With my job in San Francisco complete and Josh busy on another project in LA, I headed off to spend a few days with Jared. They were back in the states and I flew out to Boston, thrilled to have some time with my man, but nervous about seeing Shannon again. How would I act around him? Would we be noticeably awkward around others?

I was surprised to find only Shayla waiting for me at the airport. It wasn’t a big deal or anything, I liked her just fine, but it hurt a little that Jared didn’t come too. More often than not, Shannon would drop what he was doing to pick me up. I bit the inside of my jaw, realizing I was doing it again. I had to stop comparing them and besides, it’s not like it mattered anymore, Shannon and I were finished.

Shayla and I were chatting on the way to the hotel when my phone rang. Sara’s name illuminated the screen and I answered in my normal playful banter. “Sup bitch?”

I was completely thrown off by hearing Ryan’s deep voice instead. “Hey, Carrie, I’m just calling to let you know that we’re at the hospital. Sara gave birth this morning. Maybe you can come up for a while if you aren’t busy.”

“Oh no! I’m so sorry, I’m in Boston right now! What time this morning?” I covered my mouth with my hand and sighed as I leaned all the way back against the seat. Guilt settled over me and tears began to fall from my eyes. What kind of a best friend was I, leaving town when my bestie was so close to going into labor?

“It’s okay, no worries. He was born a few hours ago and she’s resting now, but asked that I call and let you know. Chase is doing great, he is seven pounds, four ounces. I’ll send a few photos to you.”

Sniffling, I blubbered my pathetic congratulations into the phone, thanking him for the call and asking that he have Sara call when she could. We disconnected and I studied the photos on my phone of the adorable newborn, feeling a violent tug to my uterus. A reminder of that biological clock that was just ticking away. “You alright?” Shayla asked. Her eyebrows raised as she leaned forward.

“I’m fine, it’s just hard being gone a lot, away from family and friends. I have no idea how you guys live normal lives.”

“What’s normal? Nothing about my life is normal, but I get to travel the world and see things I’d probably never get the opportunity to see if I did have a normal life. So, it’s a trade off I suppose. I mean, we aren’t gone all the time. You just have to take advantage of the time you are home.”

“You have a very positive attitude, I like that.”

“Oh, I’m not always positive. This job can be stressful and very demanding. I have my moments, believe me, but I enjoy it.”

I liked Shayla a lot and enjoyed our little chat on the way to the hotel. It was nearly four in the afternoon when we made our way through the lobby and up to Jared’s suite.

He and Stevie were on the couch, each with a guitar in their lap and playing around with some lyrics. Shannon sat in a nearby chair with his arms folded across his chest and did not look happy to see me. I put my bag down and Jared instantly got to his feet and rushed over. “Hey babe.”

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and buried my face into his neck, inhaling that familiar, heavenly scent. “I missed you so much.” I whispered.

When he pulled back, his thumb swiped under my eye, wiping away some smeared makeup. “Were you crying?” He cupped my cheeks and waited for my response.

“Yes, um, Sara had her baby this morning, a healthy baby boy.”

Nodding, he smiled. “Ah, well congrats to her.” He shuffled across the room, picking up his tall bottle of water and taking a long sip. “So, are you guys hungry, I’m fucking starving?”

Everyone sort of mumbled a response and then Jared disappeared into his bedroom. Shannon finally stood, offering a simple greeting on his way to retrieve his jacket from near the door. “Hi Carrie.”

“Hi.” I responded, pacing back and forth until the others finally emerged, disrupting the awkward silence between us. The car ride was interesting. Shannon sat there, literally staring straight ahead and keeping to himself. I wondered if anyone recognized how withdrawn he appeared.

At the restaurant, he donned a pair of shades and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at his icy demeanor. Who the hell wears sunglasses at a restaurant? Aside from ordering his food, he never uttered a single word. When Jared asked him a question, he grinned and elbowed his brother, as if to say ‘don’t make me speak.’ I don’t know what I expected, exactly, it’s not like I thought we’d carry on like old friends, but I didn’t think he’d be so cold.

After an extremely uncomfortable meal, we retreated back to Jared’s suite. The facade I put on for everyone else disappeared behind closed doors. I practically leapt into Jared’s arms. My jean clad legs wrapped around him and I kissed him like there was no tomorrow. “Mmmm, you’re all mine now.” His stubbly face brushed against mine as he spoke.

“I like the sound of that.” I whispered back and realize we were headed to the bathroom.

My legs slid down until my feet touched the floor and Jared kissed the end of my nose. “How about a nice hot bubble bath to warm us?”

“Are you kidding? That sounds perfect!” It was cold out and I was freezing. I impatiently tugged my shirt over my head while he got the water ready. I could hear my phone ringing from the next room, but by the time I actually found it, Josh had hung up. “Damn!” He didn’t leave a message and I figured he’d call back or text if it were an emergency. When he didn’t, I hurried back into the bathroom. Jared was already in the bath. I stepped out of my boots and jeans. Unhooking my bra, I let it slide down my arms and Jared raised up, gripping my wrists. He pulled me in, still wearing my panties. “Oh my God! You are insane!” I squealed loudly, but was thankful for his craziness because it lightened my mood.

“I’m totally crazy.” He pulled me over him, forcing me to straddle him. “Think you can handle me when I’m all wound up?”

“Well, it wouldn’t be the first time.” I wondered if he knew how crazy he made me when he was playful. His hands moved over my bubble covered chest and I groaned. Jared’s lips pressed firmly against mine as delicate fingers tugged my panties to the side. Things went from playful to passionate and when I sank down onto him, we both sighed heavily.

Thirty minutes later we emerged, wrinkly but satisfied. We dried off and put some pajamas on for a quiet night in. This was the only night in a hotel, tomorrow we would be on the bus and I know what that meant, no sex. The bunk was very small and too uncomfortable for sex. We settled in with a movie and eventually I drifted off in his warm arms.

The next day was crazy busy. We arrived to the venue early and Jared was all over the place. I’d never seen anyone bounce around like him and I was positive he didn’t even eat much all day long. Shannon still made it a point to completely avoid me at all cost, even if we were in the same room. All of us went back to the bus after soundcheck for a bit, but didn’t stay long. After a little break and a snack, they hurried back into the venue for the meet and greet, but then, Shannon disappeared.

Jared was off with Shayla and I realized my phone was missing. I knew I had left it on the bus and stomped out the door to go and get it. The second the door opened, I heard the unmistakable sounds of people having sex. Cringing, I hung my head, knowing my phone was just inside, probably lying on the couch somewhere. If I could just get in and grab it, I could exit quickly and nobody would ever know. Was it one of the crew? Tomo? I recognized the grunting sounds and wanted to die. It was Shannon!

It’s The Perfect Denial - Chapter 31

I sat on the bed in my San Francisco hotel room, staring at the photos posted to social media from last night’s show. Jared appeared happy to have Shannon back, as did the fans, but I couldn’t help but wonder if all of the happiness continued off stage.

Jared was an actor, a good one, and he had the ability to wear a mask, to show people only what he wanted them to see. If they didn’t know what was really going on in his private life, they were totally clueless as to how he truly felt.

I did notice that he had been quieter than normal, texting one word responses whenever possible. My brain went into overdrive and fear gripped me. What if he decided that he didn’t want me anymore after all of this bullshit with Shannon? Just as quickly as I began entertaining the thought, I dismissed it. Jared had a horrible habit of disappearing on me, but over the past few months, he had really stepped up. He was there for me when I needed him the most and he would never just walk away.

When he didn’t answer my call, I dropped the phone and stretched out on the bed. If he needed some space, I’d give it to him. The last thing I wanted was to bombard him with messages or phone calls. Staring up at the ceiling, I decided to take a shower and find a movie to watch. I just had to get through the night and finish this job up so I could go home, and what better way than to get lost in a flick?

I was so excited that Sara would be coming over this weekend and could only imagine how big her belly was now. She was having a harder time getting around and it would probably be the last time I saw her before baby Michael was born.

I missed how close Sara and I used to be, but that was life, right? It’s funny how time changes people. We literally went from young women, working to make money so that we could party every weekend, to grownups with responsibilities, in what seemed like the blink of an eye. Sara was a wife and mother now, a respectable adult, something I never thought we would ever be.

I got up and walked across the room to grab the empty ice bucket, and snatched up the key card before marching barefoot down the hallway. I filled the bucket and hurried back to my room, opening the expensive bottle of tequila and pouring some into my coffee cup with some ice. I stepped out of my jeans and pulled my hair up into a messy bun.

Holding the half empty glass up to my nose, I climbed on the bed and inhaled deeply. The tangy, pungent aroma had a familiarity to it that took me way back, past the career I had built, back to when I was much younger.

I suddenly felt sad and homesick. With Jared on tour and Joshua taking a break, I was completely alone and away from home. Taking a sip, I smiled at the way it burned all the way down to the pit of my stomach. As I eyed the amber liquid in the mug, my mind was on an endless replay of memories involving both Jared and Shannon. As much as I wanted to say I was over Shan, my heart still hurt when I thought about him. He looked amazing when he came to my apartment last week and why the fuck do I keep doing this to myself? Downing what was left in my glass, I poured another. The first tear slid down my cheek and I angrily wiped it away. Why couldn’t I just forget about him and move on?

I knew the alcohol only intensified the reminiscing and my emotions, but I couldn’t seem to put it down. Any plans of a shower and a movie evaporated with the very first sip of tequila. I recalled Shannon’s words of wanting to let me go and my heart broke into tiny little pieces, all over again. Tears blurred my vision and I became consumed by the loss of him from my life.