Poppy’s Thoughts

When my mother passes away I will not grieve her. I will grieve the love I gave her that was not returned because she decided to hate a child. I will grieve hating myself for not being lovable enough. I will grieve for my inner child. I will not grieve for her.

As a neurodivergent person I’d rather just go to an opium den than try and continue therapy with processing issues. I often leave therapy more angry and frustrated than when I arrived. I’m tired.

So I found a new place to live… away from my family. I was happy at first, but then I kept thinking and sadness crept in. This is the first time I will really be on my own. I’m afraid to not have people around me. But I also don’t need to be around people who hurt me. I’m trying to reframe my thinking. Instead of ruminating on possible feelings of loneliness or feeling ostracized, I will remember that from the time I learned to read until now that I have been escaping- constantly trying to escape my reality. Well maybe now I can create a reality that I don’t need to escape from. That’s what I’ll hold onto. ❤️‍🩹

I’m no longer laughing with people who can’t cry with me.

I sent my brother (my last friend in the family) a text asking and begging why people don’t take my feelings seriously and constantly invalidate them. He said that no one was ever there for him so he doesn’t care about needing anyone anymore. That almost made me feel guilty, but I’m not responsible for helping someone who didn’t ask me. I constantly seek out support due to my disability being debilitating at times. But his response was freeing in a way. His lack of empathy made me understand my life and why it’s been so hard. I’ve been begging for my family to show up for me since I was a small child and I’m finally done begging. It’s like I can finally let go of them. I don’t need to beg people to be around me. It’s disappointing not to feel the love that you give others especially when it’s your own tribe. Some people are just unfortunate when it comes to the people who are supposed to love us the best. Some people never have a chance at all because of the family they were born into. Some people are born into families that will not love them. That is such a harsh reality to accept for me. Humanity is cooked.

When you thought you were over it, but the s*icidal ideation comes flooding back. How do I get over this?

It’s becoming increasingly more difficult to accept that no one in my immediate family truly gives a fuck about me. I want to die. Not sure how else to get through this…

I had to think and ask myself what I’m truly looking for and what I want. I want to be and feel safe physically and emotionally. That to me is a kind of rest I’ve never had.

I’m always the bad guy for reacting badly according to other people. But no one takes into consideration the antecedent. Mentally ill people don’t react for no reason. There are triggers and we are suffering. No one understands that. It’s always “poor you for having to deal with a mentally ill family member” but no one ever considers why we behave the way we do. We are suffering. You having to “deal” with our behavior is not more painful than why the mentally ill person is behaving. We are suffering and no one cares.

My mother doesn’t take any of my feelings seriously because she says I exaggerate due to my bipolar disorder. So none of my feelings are ever valid because I have a mental illness. I feel sub human and not worthy of existing.