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September 21st, 2018. Red Bull Ring, Spielberg.

How could I already lose a glove? I just arrived at the Red Bull Ring and I already lost a glove, I’m going to freeze to death. It would be amazing If I stop being such a mess, no one is going to seriously hire me if they see that I can't even be responsible for some gloves. Trying to forget that I start rubbing my hands so I can warm them up, Spielberg this year was colder than normal, which means that the temperature was almost below 0. 

To forget about the cold I start to take photos of the Prema garage, deciding which one I’m going to post on Instagram and which ones are going to be deleted. This is my first season with them, being an intern while I try to study for my degree in Marketing and Public Relationships. 

When I think that I took enough photos and posted them in stories, I run out of things to do, so I decide to take a walk around the track to stretch my legs and try to warm up. As I am leaving the garage while rubbing my hands, I bump into something harder and taller than me. My first instinct is to watch the face of the person I just crashed into which turns out to be my biggest mistake, because I get lost in his blue shy eyes making me not listen to any word that he just said.

“Excuse me, what did you just say? I wasn’t listening, sorry.” He lets out a giggle that makes my legs weak.

“I said that I’m sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

“Oh, yeah, no problem.”

“I’m Mick, by the way.” He smiles bigger as he extends his hand to me so I can shake it, his fingers are long and his hand is way bigger than mine. “What’s your name?”

“Ehm, my name is y/n, I guess it is a pleasure to meet you”. I take his hand in mine and start to shake it.

“God, y/n your hands are freezing.”

“Yeah… I just lost one of my gloves and I didn’t want to seem pathetic wearing just one.” He lets go of my hand, reaching to his pocket and taking out his gloves, putting them in my hands. 

“There, you can have mines, It’s time to change them for my racing gloves anyways.”

“Oh my god, thank you so much Mick!” As I’m putting on the gloves the way Mick is looking at me doesn’t go unnoticed, but I decide to keep mine in my hands so I can avoid those blue eyes as long as I can.

“But I want something in exchange.” I look up at him with my eyebrows raised, waiting for him to finish the sentence. “Wanna hang out? Like not right now but you know… Someday.” I smile as big as I can and he doesn’t take long to imitate it, holding my hands so he can tie the gloves. “I’ll take that as a yes, so there you have my phone number.” He leaves a tiny scrap of paper in my hands, walking away fast as people scream his name. 

Did I just become friends with THE Mick Schumacher?

--

August 13th, 2023. Ibiza, Mallorca.

Being in Formula 1 can be a dream turned into a curse, even more so if people expect you to be the next Michael Schumacher when you're just a rookie trying to understand the shittiest car of the grid. People have been unfair with Mick, fuck, even his ex team principal has been a shitty person to him, abusing him mentally.

But now we're here, it's summer break of the 2023 season and Mick has been looking for a seat for the next year. I'm trying to be his biggest supporter, that's what best friends are for I guess, trying to make him see the positive things. AlphaTauri hasn't spoken about renewing his two drivers, whose contract ends this year, as well as Zhou's and Logan's contract. Okay, Haas hasn't spoken either, but I'd rather kill him than let him go back to that hell.

"Do you think I'll be on the grid next year?" Mick's voice takes me out of my thoughts. "Because sometimes I don't see it, you know how it is, one year out of Formula 1 isn't ideal, even more if you were a disaster rookie like me." I take a breath before I talk, I don’t want to get my frustration out with him, I don’t know how many ways to kill Guenther I have already thought of.

"Mick Schumacher, if I listen to one more bad thing about you coming out of your mouth, be sure you won't get a seat next year because I'll kill you with my own hands."

Mick looks at me with his eyes wide open, it's not like me to be that aggressive, but desperate situations lead to desperate measures.

"Listen to me Mickie." My hand goes to his jaw to make him look at me. "You weren't a disaster, the car and the team were the disaster, plus the team principal was a fucking asshole who can’t keep his mouth shut." My thumb is on his cheek, caressing it. "You were a spectacular rookie, shit Mick, you won Formula 3 and Formula 2, categories where the car doesn't matter, the driver makes the difference." I see how his lips are trying to contain a smile. "You're one of the best drivers, it's not fair that they're comparing you to your father when the situation is totally different."

Finally, Mick shows me a sheepish smile, he closes his eyes and lets his cheek fall into my hand, sighing at the contact.

"I don't know what I would do without you, y/n.""

"Probably die, so let's be thankful I'm here, you were smart enough to hire me as your social media manager." 

"That was probably the best decision I made in my twenties along with becoming your best friend." I try to hide my wince as I listen to him, being his best friend has not been enough for a long time, but I take what I have.

"I can’t say the same, I accepted to be your friend just because you lent me a glove after I lost mine” 

“And then I asked you if you wanted to hang out, you said yes, I gave you my number in a scrap of paper and became best friends.”

“You’re forgetting the time you invited me to the ranch and ended up sleeping in tents because you wanted to show me the beautiful things of the countryside and I was attacked by mosquitoes, that’s when I knew we would be best friends.”

“Because I caused you to get thousands of mosquito bites?”

“No, because the next day you put cream on each and every one of the bites.”

--

October 10th, 2023. Gordonville, Texas.

As soon as the race in Qatar was over, Mick and I took the first flight to Texas, we still had two weeks until COTA, two weeks we'll be spending in his family ranch in Gordonville. The US GP is always one of my favourites because it allows me to spend time with Mick's family as well, I always look forward to spending time with Corinna and Gina.

Since Mick and I met in 2018 in his second season in the Formula 3 European Championship when I was working as a social media intern in Prema, his family has welcomed me as another daughter. Even if I was with Mick, they would call me to make sure I was okay and he was treating me right.

"So tell us, y/n how's Mick treating you?" The four of us were around a table, having dinner together.

"You know the answer, Corinna, he's even trying to spoil me even if I don't want to."

"Sorry for wanting you to have the best of the best so you can do your job."

Mick and I continue arguing throughout dinner while Corinna and Gina just ignore us having a conversation by themselves. When all of us finished our food, Corinna sent us to the garden so we could chill out for a bit outside. Mick and I ended up on the roof of his house, watching the sunset.

He's been trying to buy me the newest iPhone for a long time with the excuse of "making my job easier and faster", he did the same two years ago, but this time I'm not allowing it.

"And I said my iPhone does the same job as the newest one without the need to waste money just because.”

“What if we play something?” I broke the silence after five minutes, I can’t stand it.

“What do you want to play?” Mick sits up, with his arms around his legs.

“What about twenty questions?” I smile at him, the last rays of sun lighting up his face, allowing me to get lost in his ocean blue eyes, the same ones that I would like to see by my side every day when I get up. 

If I’m being honest I don’t know how long I’ve had a crush on Mick. I mean, I found him attractive the first time I saw him on my first day at Prema, but I don’t think It was love at first sight, I didn’t know him that well. I think I fell in love with him as he put cream in all my mosquito bites, trying to be respectful and asking me if I was okay with that almost every minute.

“Come on, Y/N/N, we know everything about each other. This game is silly.”

“How about you answer questions about me and I answer questions about you, mh?”

We throw questions at each other, getting every single one right, he even guesses right where my birthmark is which makes his cheeks go red as he answers, just for your information, it’s under one of my breasts. I get right his favourite track as he also gets right who is my favourite driver on the grid. When we finish the twenty questions we keep talking about anything and everything, our eyes telling the truths our mouths can’t say. We go back to reminisce about his time at Haas, talking about how stressed he was and how stressed I was just because he was too.

“You know I almost tried to burn the Haas garage down?” He looks at me with his big eyes, looking surprised. “Well, maybe I did try but Seb stopped me saying it wasn’t worth it.” 

I don’t know what gives him the nerve, but he touches my hand with one of his as the other goes to my cheek, stroking it. I lean my face further into his hand, closing my eyes and sighing. When I feel his hand travelling to the back of my neck I let my eyes open, he has gotten closer to me, our noses touching. 

“Mick, what are you doing?” I whisper my words so low that I’m impressed he has managed to hear me.

“Something I wish I had done years ago.” As he finishes talking, he presses his lips against mine, giving me no time to ask what he was talking about. I let myself be carried away by the kiss, Mick takes advantage of my sigh to introduce his tongue, caressing mine. 

“Mick! Come do-” Gina stops talking as she sees what we are doing, we get apart as soon as we listen to her voice. “Okay… I’m not gonna say anything just… come down fast, you have James Vowles on the phone."

We look at each other with eyes wide open, smiling big, a call from the Williams principal can only mean one thing: Toto has pulled his strings and got Mick a seat. He gives me one more kiss before he climbs down the roof. It looks like I don’t have an unemployed best friend anymore, but an employed boyfriend-ish.

--

f1 and williamsracing

liked by yourusername lance_stroll 2.334.545 others

➻ tagged mickschumacher williamsracing

f1 BREAKING: Mick Schumacher returns to F1 driving for Williams in 2024

#F1 #Formula1 @/mickschumacher @/williamsracing   

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user WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK KASDKAKSD

user WE’RE GETTING OUR MICK BACK??

--

mickschumacher · following

liked by estebanocon lewishamilton 837,982 others 

➻ tagged yourinstagram

mickshumacher light pink sky up on the roof

sun sinks down, no curfew

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user MICK HAS A GF???

user mICK GIRLFIEND IS Y/N

user wait who is y/n

user she’s been mick’s bff and social media admin since 2020 or something like that

user OOOH that makes sense

user i’ve waiting this FOR YEARS

lewishamilton finally i was getting sick of the lovesick puppy eyes you’ve been giving each other

yourusername should i say thank you or...??

mercedesamgf1 our favourite couple of the paddock

georgerussell63 excuse me???

yourusername you’re excused💋💋

--

yourusername · following

miliked by georgerussell63 landonorris 454,129 others

➻ tagged mickshumacher

yourusername feels like home, stay in bed the whole weekend✨

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user mick is so boyfriend material i’m gonna get sick

liked by yourusername

user i want what they have

landonorris please not pda in the paddock you don’t eat bread in front of the poor🤢

yourusername that sounds like a YOU problem lando norizz🫵🏻

landonorris i hate you.

georgerussell63 seeing you liking each other was enough i don’t need to see you inhaling each other

yourusername stray pressed, we’re still mercedes favourite couple🥰

Sienna Grace Ricciardo was a ray of sunshine born in the darkest of days. She was a joy to be around, just like his father. And she had the perfect timing arriving, at 5:35 am on September 3rd, 2022, just when her dad needed a little happiness outside the racing world. Her first months weren't easy, Daniel was almost drowning in a depression because of his racing status, he had just found out about McLaren dumping him, which left you alone trying to take care of her while you were trying to cheer him up, all of this being far away from Dan's family.

But everything quickly changed when Daniel went back to Red Bull, he was the Daniel you fell in love four years prior, the Daniel that was hungry for more, the Daniel that redeemed himself in Monaco, the one who always went for the gap just like he did in China, the one who could spend saturday’s night awake because you couldn’t sleep even when he needed to get rest to the race on sunday. Daniel was back to being a loving and attentive partner, taking care of you and Sienna, he became his true self again while he was becoming the best dad for your daughter.

--

Now, Sienna is three years old and is parading herself with Red Bull merch around the paddock proudly. She is her dad's biggest fan, even when she was one year old and he was driving the truck the AlphaTauri was. 

"Oh! Look at that, is it who i think it is?" At the sound of Lando's voice, the little girl goes running away from the hold of your hand, jumping at him when she is closer. "Little Ric, how are you doing?" Lando tickles Sienna's belly, making her laugh.

"I'm so happy uncle Lan! Daddy starts first! Didn't you see?" Little Sienna had a broad vocabulary and perfect grammar for a three year old. She was just as happy and extroverted as Daniel, but as smart and witty like you.

"I saw it, Gracie, did you see where I start?" Lando loves to call your daughter by her middle name, thinking that it is more special than just calling her Sienna, and of course she is delighted with the nickname his favourite uncle (much to Max's and Blake's dismay) has assigned to her.

"Of course I did! You start third... But I hope you do not catch my father, uncle Lan." She says it with a semi closed mouth and a shy tone, trying to not hurt his uncle's feelings. "It's Australia, it's daddy's race, it is fair that he wins it!".

You usually don't leave Sienna walking, even less running, alone in the paddock without somebody holding her, either it's you or someone from Daniel's family, but when she got away from your grip to go running to Lando, you didn’t worry, she was in good hands. When you arrive at the duo they are debating in which colours they look better, and Sienna looks offended when Lando says she would look better in a papaya shirt with a four in it than in the navy blue shirt with the number three that she's wearing. 

"Lando, you know you're supposed to be the grown up of you two, right?" You take your daughter from Lando's embrace, taking her in yours and kissing his forehead.

"That is your opinion, right Little Ric?" Lando pokes your daughter's nose and Sienna nods agreeing with Lando, betrayed by your own daughter, unbelievable. "Good job, I'll give you some cookies later" He whispers a bit too loud to your daughter.

"Sometimes you act like you're five when you're twenty seven, you should be ashamed, and don't you think that I haven't just heard the bribe you made to my daughter."

"I just like to live while I'm young."

"Aaaand that's why you're single." Lando looks at you offended and steals your daughter as revenge, Sienna doesn’t look bothered by it, she just accepts it, being used to this type of thing.

"I'm single so I'm always available for my only and true love, my bestie Gracie, right baby?" 

He tickles Sienna's belly again, making her laugh, but the little girl just ignores his question to entertain herself with his curls, rolling them with her little fingers.

"Just wait until Danny hears that, I bet he's not gonna be happy."

"Hear what?"

Your husband hugs you from behind, resting his hands on your hips and his chin at the top of your head. Sienna immediately ignores Lando, opening her arms towards his father, closing and opening his fists. Daniel, as the perfect father that has been for almost four years, doesn't waste a second and abandons you to take his daughter out of Lando's arms, accommodating her in his and resting her weight on his hip.

"Look at my tiny little koala, you missed me?" Daniel nicknamed her after the animal after Sienna couldn't be away from him since she was born, crying if somebody took her from his father's arms, always seeking his father's attention. She was a daddy's girl and you don't have any problem with that, the type of bond they have is just too beautiful to be annoyed with. Sienna nods and rests her head on Daniel's shoulder without stopping admiring him. "Now, what were you two talking about? What's not gonna make me happy?"

“Lando here was saying that he’s staying single so he can spend time with his real love, who happens to be your daughter.” Lando hits your upper arm with an annoyed glance. “Ow!”

“Snitch! And you even left out the part where I said bestie, b-e-s-t-i-e.” The British spells the word to you, making clear that he wasn’t being weird, you were just twisting his words to your own benefit.

Daniel just keeps quiet, looking at the banter between you two while he caresses Sienna's hair, making the little girl sleepy. When he joined McLaren, Lando and you became inseparable, like siblings who like to annoy each other, even when Daniel and Lando had an awkward start because of their too similar personalities, the two of you couldn't have a better start, building a bond so strong from the first day. Travelling alone wasn’t easy, even less when you were 21 years old, so both of you took Lando under your wing, Daniel trying to mentor him on track (even when Lando was beating him) and you trying to give him the love his family couldn’t give him from far away. 

When McLaren announced that they were parting ways with Daniel, Lando was the first one that went to console and talk to him. Behind Daniel’s back Lando broke down to you, he couldn’t handle it by himself, he couldn’t lose another teammate that was like a brother to him, he couldn’t lose you from the paddock, you two were his travel family. He was also the one of the first ones to congratulate Daniel when AlphaTauri announced him back in 2023, happy that he would have the two of you back in the paddock along with little Sienna. Travelling with a baby was hard, even more with all of the time zones changes, but Daniel and you made it work, you make it work.

“Ehem.” Daniel fake coughs, making Lando and you stop your bantering, standing side by side looking at him with an innocent face. “So much of you for being thirty-two and twenty-seven.” 

“He started it!”

“She started it!” Lando and you say at the same time, making Daniel sigh and shake his head, people joked about you having to take care of two grown ups acting like kids, but most of the time that was Daniel’s role.

“I don’t wanna hear who started it, on the other hand I do wanna hear your excuse of trying to make a Jacob on my daughter Lando.”

Before the British can try to explain himself, Daniel and Lando’s engineers call them to their own garages, the race is about to start and the two of them have to review strategies and so on before it starts. Daniel and you say your goodbyes to Lando while he caresses your daughter cheek with his index finger, saying goodbye to her without waking her up.

--

When you arrive at the garage you put the headphones on Sienna immediately, knowing that the noise would disturb her and hurt her ears. Daniel passes your daughter from his arms to yours, and while she grumbles a little, she gets used to the change and doesn’t wake up, being still asleep while you rock her with your body. Daniel presses a chaste kiss to your lips and you wish him luck before he goes to revise everything with his team before he gets inside the cockpit and drives to the grid.

You sit at the back of the garage, where Daniel’s family is at, Grace smiles at you and coos at Sienna, who doesn’t even flinch. Joe kisses your cheek and Michelle just smiles at you. Isabella and Isaac try to convince you to wake up Sienna so she plays with them, this time they don’t get their way, but you assure them that after the race they can play as much as they want with their little cousin.

“Have you told him yet?” Grace whispers in your ear, so nobody but you hears her.

“I haven’t, I’m waiting until he ends the race, I don’t wanna be the one distraction in his head that ruins this big chance.”

Grace just nods and lets you be. All of you know how important this race is to Daniel, he’s finally in a championship winning car and he’s starting first, hoping to make history and become the first Australian to ever win his home race. He didn’t have the best of luck here, having DNFs or just about to get on the podium, never on it. You are nervous, even with Max and Daniel’s good relationship, the Dutch is starting second, and everyone knows how competitive Max is. In the last two years in Red Bull, Daniel has complied his role of second driver without complaining, helping Max to get another two championships under his belt, as well as another two constructor championshipsfor Red Bull, but this is his year, the year where he makes his dream come true, and it starts right here, right now, winning his home race for the first time after fifteen years of racing in Formula 1.

Once the cars are placed on their place in the grid and the lights go out, the race passes so fast that you don’t even notice that there are only two laps left. Daniel is second, having lost the position to the Mclaren of Lando, who has done an amazing job and a well done undercut. Daniel is just thousandths behind the British, inside the DRS zone, fighting for that P1, the position that could make him break a record, one that hasn’t even been settled before, so he steps on the throttle. In the first corner of the last lap, with open DRS, Daniel makes his famous late break, causing Lando to change his layout at the last minute, which gives Daniel an advantage at the exit of turn one and the entry of turn two. After a harsh but respectful battle Daniel achieves to overtake Lando, leading the race once again. The last corners have everyone stand up from their seats, even the engineers from the pit wall. The garage roars as Daniel passes the chequered flag, both sides of the garage jump and scream as both their drivers make it to the podium.

Daniel’s family and you run quickly to watch him get out of his car, everyone makes a corridor so you can pass. Sienna is awake after all of the noise, you explained to her what happened while you were trying to get to the barriers, as you say the words “dad” and “win” she starts screaming as well. 

As Daniel gets out of the car you can’t contain your tears, you let them run through your cheeks. You have always been proud of him, even on his darkest days at McLaren, you knew he was doing his best, and that was enough for you to be proud, because he never gave up. Now, you have even more reasons, your husband has just won his home grand prix, he now is P1 in the drivers championship with quite a wide margin. 

Daniel doesn’t waste time, he doesn’t care who has parked at both of his sides, or if his whole team is at the barricade, he only has eyes for you and Sienna, so he runs to you in a glimpse of time. Before you can think anything else, you feel Daniel arms engulf Sienna and you in a hug, with his visor up you can see that he’s crying as well, but the crinkles by his eyes show you that he’s also smiling. You kiss his helmet where you suppose his lips are, and ignoring all protocol, Daniel takes Sienna out of your arms. He makes all the rituals post race with her by his side, she is the happiest child of the world when she sees that uncle Max and uncle Lan are there as well.

Before the podium Daniel gives Sienna back to you, knowing that even if he wants both of you up with him, it isn’t possible. He gives you one last kiss before he runs to the cooldown room again so he can go up to the podium. As you see him step up in the highest spot, you can’t keep your tears at bay again. The whole time, while the aussie national anthem and the austrian one are heard through the speakers, he can’t take the eyes out of you. You can see how Max, Lando and Christian spray him with champagne while he just stays there with open arms, accepting his fate, just like minutes later the three of them have to accept theirs, having to do a shoey and drink from Daniel’s sweaty shoe.

-- 

Even with Grace and Joe insisting to Daniel and you to go out to celebrate, trying to convince you that they will take care of Sienna, both Daniel and you say thank you, but no. You don’t want to go out and party all night, that’s not how you are anymore, I mean, yes, after some races you go out and celebrate, but this time is special, this time you want to spend time with each other, as a family. Daniel has just made quite an achievement, and he wants to celebrate it with his favourite people.

“I still can not believe it.” Sienna has already fallen asleep and is laying on your bed, while Daniel and you are still in the living room of the suite, with you sitting in his lap.

“Actually, I do.” You say while you play with his beard, scratching it with your nails. “I always believed that this win would be yours one day, Danny, you had the talent and the craft, the things that were missing were the car and the luck, and this year you had it.”

“I don’t know what I would do without you.” You see tears trying to escape from his eyes. “Without both of you.” He circles his arms around your waist, making you get closer to him. “You stayed in the worst of times, you gave me the most important thing that we have now in those times, you got me out of there and gave me a daughter.” He kissed your lips before continuing. “I can’t express with words how much I love you and how thankful I am to have you in my life, and even if I could, the words and time I had to use to describe it wouldn’t be enough to make it justice.”

“You deserve this trophy more than anyone in the world, baby, you deserve every trophy that comes your way, because you deserve all the world can give you and more.”

"I don't care about trophies, you two are the best thing that's ever been mine and I couldn’t ask for more, both of you are my biggest achievements."

"More like us three." You take his hand and take it to your belly, you can't retain the smile as you see his shocked expression, in six months you will no longer be his favourite number, you're gonna be four. You didn't know how to tell him, so you decided the simpler, the better.

"Promise me you're not joking, because if you're joking I don't know what I would do-" You interrupt him with a kiss, knowing that he was starting to rant.

"I'm not joking Dan, I took the test yesterday but I didn't wanna fill your head with worries before the race, I know how important it was to you ."

Daniel's smile was even broader than in the podium a few hours ago, he started to caress your belly, so soft that if you weren't looking, you wouldn't even notice that it was happening.

"We're gonna be parents again?"

"Yes Dan, that's what happens when you get me pregnant."

Daniel kisses you with so much passion that if he wasn't holding you, you would've fallen back. He didn't care about championships and trophies since he met you, even from the very first glance he had a hunch that you would be his forever, the woman he would spend the rest of his life with. 

Daniel and you met at the Spanish Grand Prix in 2018, you made a connection so deep that he invited you to go back to Monaco with him and you spent two whole weeks together before the grand prix. He confessed to you his fears about being second to Max and not being enough to beat him and win a championship some day, you told him about your problems with your family, they abandoned you after you came out as bisexual. Little did both of you know that his family would become yours, and that being second to Max wasn’t going to be the biggest of his challenges in F1. You connected fast and hard, he invited you to follow him throughout the whole season and you took the risk to say yes, you were 24, he was 29, you were taking a gap year and he seemed to need you, so how could you say no to those big pretty brown eyes? 

The eight years that you’ve been together haven’t been easy, with his move to Renault and then to McLaren, with you starting to work as a psychologist in London after an amazing job opportunity, he was struggling and you couldn’t be by his side as much as you wanted to. But you made it through, you survived the rollercoaster together, you got married in a fast trip to Las Vegas in 2019, where Charles played his role as witness almost by accident, you survived McLaren together, even bringing another life to the world that was half him half you. If you look up to the definition of soulmates in a dictionary, a photo of Daniel and you would probably be there. 

Daniel wakes you up from your daydreaming, and you face his smile, mirroring it, you could spend a hundred of years living this and it still wouldn’t be enough. Because Daniel was, is and will be enough, he has always been, even when he was dressed with papaya clothes and was doubting himself, you knew he was enough, what wasn’t enough for you was the time you spend with him, teenager you was afraid and commitment and couldn’t stay in a relationship for more than a few months, but now, even after eight years together, you can't see the end of you and him, because you don't perceive a world without Daniel in it.

Your husband takes you in his arms and you surround his waist with your legs and his shoulders with your arms, like a koala. He throws the two of you to the bed, giggling low trying to not wake up Sienna. Daniel and you spent the night remembering the tiniest of details in your relationship, like when he brought you cookies and cream ice cream instead of chocolate ice cream when you were five months pregnant. Or when Lando and you tried to play a prank on him but at the end was him who played the prank on you. You can’t help staring at him, almost tearing up at seeing him so happy after all he’s been through, but you would do it over and over for him just because of the sake of being him. You fall asleep in each others embrace, with your body on top of him, involuntarily combining your breaths.

I turned around in my bed so I could see the clock in my nightstand. It's 2 a.m and I've been messing in my bed for almost four hours, incapable of falling asleep. I can’t stop wondering if he’s still awake at this time, but I can bet he’s still up, thinking about what he can improve in the car after a tiring long hard week. It’s been five months since our break up, where I tried to put me first so I could be able to fulfil my dreams, but nights like this I wonder if I made the right decision, I mean, he was one of my dreams too, having a future with him sometimes was even a bigger dream than having a successful career, having multiple exhibitions in the most important museums of the world. 

I can bet he’s sitting in his favourite chair, the one he used to play the piano, looking out of the window and sightseeing the streets of Monaco, I can’t stop hoping he’s still wondering about me. It’s Saturday, the week of the Monaco Grand Prix, and even when I tried to avoid thinking about him and everything related to him, living here on these dates makes everything more difficult, even more so when all his family is around and tries to keep in touch with me. Breaking up with Charles was difficult, but breaking up with his family was impossible, I mean, Pascale was still my hairdresser and I refuse to put my hair in the hands of another person. 

Even though I tried to ignore the race, it’s inevitable to know about the qualifying session when Charles and I still share our group of friends. I had dinner today with Riccardo and Marta. I had baby fever and had to see Chiara, I can swear she’s the sweetest baby I’ve ever met. They took advantage of the dinner to let me know about Charles's problems in qualifying. I tried to stop them, not wanting to know anything about him, but they insisted. It’s time like this when it takes everything in me not to call him, wishing I could run to him so I can talk to him, making sure he’s not being hard on himself, because as always, it’s not his fault, it’s Ferrari being a mess. 

I tried to warn him last year when Ferrari gave up in the middle of the season, screwing up his chances of winning his first championship, but he turned an eye blind to me. I know he’s trying to compensate for what Jules wasn’t able to do, but it didn’t have to be at his expense, at his mental health expense. I tried to seek help from Pascale to convince him, but it was useless.

Is he thinking that I either moved on or hate him? I mean, he could think that because everytime he tries to reach out to me I decide to no reply, because I can’t talk to him and risk another goodbye, because I’m not emotionally prepared, because I still need him but he’s not good to me right now, we’re not good for each other right now.

It’s so hard getting used to living without him after three years being together. I tried to be strong for both of us, swallowing all my opinions and reproaches, just for the sake of our relationship, trying to avoid useless fights. But what he did on Christmas was the last straw, my biggest and most important exhibition and he wasn’t able to say “no” to Ferrari once again, he wasn’t able to say no to them for me, and that hurt more than I thought it would. 

We made quite a mess, I’m aware of that, but it’s probably better off this way. I can confess to myself that maybe there are sometimes that I have dreams where I touch his face, just like I used to do before I fell asleep. In my dreams he shows up at my front door, asking if I wanna try again with him, but it is just that, a dream, because I know him like nobody else does, I know that he won’t do that, at least not after I told him I needed space, that I needed some time without him, because he was doing more bad than good to me. And sometimes I regret that, sometimes I regret everything that I said that night, because I know that if I didn’t say everything I said, he would show up, he would try to win me back. 

But, right now, his family and friends are all I have left to know about him, to know how he’s doing and how Ferrari is treating him. If he still gets along with Carlos even when he sided with me in all this mess. 

Being with him knowing I wasn’t his first priority was hard, but I’m starting to think that not being with him at all is even harder. I need to sleep next to him, and even more importantly, I need him to be the first thing I see every morning when I wake up. I hated being without him even when I knew when was the next time I was seeing him, but I hate even more being without him not knowing when will be the next time I’ll be able to see him. I miss our car rides with no destination at all, just enjoying the journey while I forced him to sing along to  Taylor Swift songs.

I hope that he knows that every time I don’t call him back, that every time I avoid him like the plague, I almost do. I almost call him every night, I almost go to his front door trying to get him back. Because I can’t risk another goodbye, but I hate not being brave and having no fear of the risk. Because I prefer to risk another goodbye than risk living without him by my side.