das kleine schmetterlingsbuch

I wish I could tell you how lonely I am. How cold and harsh it is here. Everywhere there is conflict and unkindness. I think God has forsaken this place. I believe I have seen hell and it’s white, it’s snow-white.

There is something so powerful about this scene to me. And despite the way they probably wanted it to portray, it actually gives me lots of Spuffy feelings. Buffy has spent so much time thinking she came back “wrong.” That that would be the only possible way she could find comfort with Spike. Because before they even started their physical relationship, she found comfort in time with him. She told him things that she wouldn’t/couldn’t share with her friends. She spent time with him. It was the only thing that she had to help her cope with what she was doing with Spike.

But this moment highlights for her, that even if she doesn’t want to, Spike is a source of comfort for her. Someone she thinks she should hate and that there is no excuse for, is in fact not because she’s “wrong.” Whether she loves him or she’s using him, I think it’s the first time she has to deal with the fact that there’s something real there. Because some of that shame that brings her sobbing to her knees? It’s guilt and shame that she’s hurting him. Yes she has guilt about lying to her friends and family. She has guilt that she can’t just be “right” again. But she does, on some level, have to deal with the fact that her excuses won’t work anymore. No matter how fucked up that relationship may have been on many many levels, the truth is that she wanted it. She made the choices that lead to Spike.