Mabuhay 🍻

Aries: Today would be nicer if you weren’t chained to a post and set on fire, but we make the best with what we got.

Taurus: Be sure to spend time bonding with your pet. Consider patrolling your home for intruders and eliminating them as a team.

Gemini: Support your friends and improve the group dynamic by also allowing a ritual candle to melt over your deer-skull mask. 

Cancer: The ultimate ability of customer service is the ability to cleave a man in two with a single blow. This is the apex of customer relations.

Leo: Today while gardening you will accidentally perform an arcane ritual that allows snakes to use firearms. This is not your fault, but still your responsibility.

Virgo: Your normal problem solving strategy of just slapping the shit out of something until it does what you want may run into some trouble when you encounter someone gains power when slapped.

Libra: Keep your struggles at a healthy distance by operating your computer with a long stick.

Scorpio: Its amazing how much stuff you realize isn’t actually important after you completely forget to do it and nothing bad happens.

Ophiuchus: Celebrate your creative accomplishments by lurking in abandoned wells or caves or the like. Don’t go crazy.

Sagittarius: One mans muck is another mans slime. Sludge is consistent across all human experience.

Capricorn: Do not take it as an insult to your skill when you are practicing your musical instrument of choice and the assassins arrive. They mixed up the address.

Aquarius: Luring adventurers with haunting melodies is not a career. Nobody is paying you, so its a hobby. For now.

Aries / be persistent in chasing your goal. do not give up. do not give in to negative thoughts. drive yourself toward it and do not let anything stop you.

Taurus / it’s easy to get lost within yourself and your own thoughts. remember to reach out and not let yourself be alone too much. your mind controls your reality, make sure it’s filled with as much positivity as possible.

Gemini / the way to get true love is to love yourself first. you have to put your energy into as much self care as possible. your true love will ultimately be you.

Cancer / take time to soak in nature and natural beauty. go on a walk, explore, it helps you find what you want, it will help you find peace.

Leo / do not give up on yourself. no matter what. no matter what happens. be your own best friend, put yourself above anything else.

Virgo / be in tune with your own needs. do not continue to put others ahead of yourself. don’t let people put you last when you’re doing everything for them.

Libra / do not make someone else your whole world. you need to remember that you are your own person, other people will not and do not complete you. you’re whole on your own, and then love can come.

Scorpio / put your passions first. the most beautiful things get made when you put your whole heart into it.

Sagittarius / being able to realize when you’re burnt out and need a break is so important. don’t overwork yourself every single week, give yourself rest time. bubble baths are a must.

Capricorn / do not let anyone change you. it’s not fair to you. the people who love you will love you for exactly who you are and nothing will change that.

Aquarius / remember that sometimes, transitions are hard. it’s okay to be scared of change. be gentle with yourself as new things are coming, the changes are a good thing. it just takes some getting used to.

What I say: “I’ve seen bits and pieces of it, yeah!”

earth (taurus,virgo,capricorn) intuitively read people’s body language through their own physical senses, strong ‘mothers intuition’, have you been taking care of yourself? a pang in the heart to empathise with your sadness

air (gemini,libra,aquarius) intuitively read people’s mind and finish the sentence with telepathy, always finding the words you were looking for. like wi-fi, air is invisible and connects us to everything

water (cancer,scorpio,pisces) intuitively read people’s ‘eye’ language, the eyes are the gateways to truth, the mouth can lie but the eyes cannot, an intuitive mirror that water can use

Aries:

Taurus:

Gemini:

Cancer:

Leo:

Virgo:

Libra:

Scorpio:

Sagittarius:

Capricorn:

Aquarius:

Pisces:

aries: "i just went out to my car and got my water"

"there's literally a gun threat right now"

"yeah and im a white male so"

taurus: "i find women in power super hot. like, if we got into a fight she'd kick my ass"

gemini: "guys what's it like it have parents that love each other?"

"wouldn't know" x3

cancer: "throw another marker, jaren, i swear to god i'll do nothing"

leo: "he texted me last night asking me to sneak out with him and so i laid there, all tucked into my bed and said 'the devil aint gettin me tonight.'"

virgo: "dragon ball z isn't an anime, it's a lifestyle"

libra: "we played minecraft bro"

"she's a keeper. she's a whole ass wife"

scorpio: "well im sorry you lost your boyfriend to first of all me and now fortnite, but no reason to get pissy"

sagittarius: "if she goes through the military, gets stationed in nebraska, /and/ steals my girl, she deserves her."

capricorn: "im gonna fight you right here. we're gonna throw hands"

"can we throw legs instead?"

"give me 15-20 minutes to stretch then yes"

aquarius: "he's really hot, not gonna lie"

"it's.. a frog"