Sex positive

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1. How long have you been polyamorous or been practicing polyamory?

Probably all my life. My first kiss,at age 5-6, was two brothers. We were playing wedding, and they took turns saying, :“You may now kiss the bride,” and being the kisser. Fun times! I first read Robert Heinlein and his stories of open relationships and group marriages when I was a teen and thought, wow, THIS is how I want to live, this is who I am. But it wasn’t until last fall (2014) that I found out this was actually a thing, with a name, polyamory, that I was not just a happy slut who liked being in relationships with multiple people at the same time, but that others did it, too. That there were books and FaceBook communities and real life communities to help me learn about it. So it’s both very old, and very new to me.

2. What does your relationship dynamic look like?

I consider myself solo poly, that is, I am not living with a partner, don’t want to live with a partner, share finances, raise kids, blah blah, not that I’m knocking it for those it works for, but I need my alone time as well as time with those I love. I have two married boyfriends, another playmate, and several potentials. One of my boyfriends is also a Daddy Dom, which is a dynamic I had never explored before, but wow, so exciting. That said, all my relationships are under a year old, so there are many things we are still learning and working out. One boyfriend has been in the lifestyle for 15 years; the other has been in a swinger lifestyle with his wife for 3, but I am his first poly girlfriend.

3. What aspect of polyamory do you excel at?

My strengths are a spirit of fun, adventure, spontaneity and sensuality. I’m an excellent snuggler, a good listener, and when things are going well with my boyfriends’ wives and families - it makes ME feel more secure, and that compersion thing? Yes, I am genuinely happy for them. I would say a have a large and loving heart with infinite room for friends, family, and romantic interests.

4. What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with?

Time is always an issue, working out schedules. Even without poly being in the mix, I am a busy person with a full life, lots of activities, friendships, and interests. So I may get frustrated because I don’t see my partners as often as I might like, as they are busy, too. And they are not “out,” even to their extended families, so this means limited PDA in public places, or even being together at a restaurant, etc., in certain neighborhoods.

5. How do you address and/or overcome those struggles?

I’m working to become more aware and mindful all the time, of where I am, what I feel, what I want. What my own boundaries are, and being brave enough to verbalize them and ASK for the things I want. Even though asking brings with it the risk that the answer might be no. I realized that one of my sore spots was sometimes feeling like an afterthought or a booty call, and so am working with my boyfriends to firm up “anchor dates,” for several times a month, that way even if we have spontaneous get-togethers that happen before then, I feel more secure in between.

6. In terms of risk-aware/safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

Condoms, always, and regular STI testing. Like a lot of sexually active people, I assumed I was being tested for “everything,” throughout the years, probably because I would go in to my doctors and SAY, “Test me for everything.” When I learned to my dismay that I was not, I got a full 10-panel test this spring. I discovered that I am positive for both HSV1 & HSV2, which was initially very upsetting to all of us. And then I had an outbreak,which was a blessing, because I saw exactly what one looks like, feels like, and where the tiny little blisters appear, so I will KNOW next time, and I have begun taking daily Valtrex for outbreak suppression and to minimize the risk of viral shedding. There is such a stigma about saying, “I have genital herpes,” but the reality is, many people, in poly, swinger, and serial monogamous relationship styles, have unprotected sex with people who may well be carrying AND shedding one of the viruses that cause genital herpes. The difference between those people and and me is: 1) I know I have it, and 2) I am taking steps to protect my partners. http://projectaccept.org/ is an excellent source of information about the various herpes simplex viruses, which are carried (and spread) by most of the US and world populations.

7. What is the worst mistake you’ve ever made in your polyamorous history and how did you rebound from that?

I’m pretty sure I am making some now I’m not even aware of, lol! In the past, not knowing that polyamory was a thing, I was open about some relationships, not so much about others, and allowed myself to become involved with men who were cheating on their wives or girlfriends. Wouldn’t do that again, and have met (and liked) my metamours, although we are not besties having barbecues together (at least, not yet). I have a deep fear of being perceived as weak/needy, and tended to suppress my own needs, to try to “earn” love, and then would get caught in a downward spiral of self-loathing and resentment, because my needs weren’t being (magically) met. Then I’d express myself to my lovers in passive-aggressive ways instead of more directly. I’m learning to understand and express my feelings better, even the “ugly” ones like fear, insecurity, jealousy, disappointment, and it seems the more honest I am about my feelings, the better I feel about myself, AND the closer I feel to my partners.

I’m also really working to learn more about the polyamorous lifestyle, and what works for others, by reading, by workshops, by interacting in groups, and by blogs like this. :-)

8. What self-identities are important to you? How do you feel like being polyamorous intersects with or affects these identities? 

I identify as cisgender, hetero female (though I often wish I was bi), whitebread ethnic heritage  (I date any/all races), and live in Los Angeles. This affords me a great deal of privilege, as it seems it is easier for poly women, especially white women, to find potential partners. But, during times  when I am open to adding new partners (I’m not, as of the date I’m writing this), it means there are a lot more bad matches to weed out.

(Bonus: Do you have any groups, projects, websites, blogs, etc. that you are involved with that you would like to promote?)

I am happily involved with Sex Positive World (http://sexpositiveworld.com/), and in my spare time, I write novels, short stories (working on some poly stories right now), and blog at: http://blog.writinginflow.com/

1. Jealousy is not caused by others. It comes from within.

With social media injecting itself into every corner of our romantic lives, jealousy triggers abound. Why did our partner just “like” that photo of that person from his past? Why does she look so happy? Why don’t I have a nice house and an expensive car like him?

But instead of thinking, “I feel jealous of him or her,” it helps to ask yourself, “What am I really feeling that’s making me experience jealousy?”

2. Don’t expect your relationship to always stay the same. Your partner is constantly changing, and so are you. 

Expecting someone to remain the same person they were when you fell in love with them is unrealistic and unfair. A lasting relationship requires a constant willingness to address change within ourselves and each other. It’s a good thing that we’re always growing, and if that means growing apart, then honesty and openness will hopefully help us cope with that shift.

3. One person will never check all the boxes.

If you’re monogamous and you find yourself obsessing over your partner’s unchecked boxes, it might do you well to stop thinking about checklists altogether. Find someone whose good qualities outweigh the bad and don’t hold them to an unattainable standard. If there’s something you like to do and your partner isn’t into it, you can negotiate other ways to have your needs met.

4. It’s OK to keep an open mind when defining your relationship.

Because when someone doesn’t want to date me because I’m poly it’s ‘understandable’ but when I don’t want to date someone because they are monogamous it’s ‘ridiculous.’

Because all relationship advice tells you that if you have feelings for someone else while you’re in a relationship you’re a bad person.

Because even feminists try to slut shame me.

Because when I tell people me and my partner have an open relationship they assume it’s because we’re going through a rough patch.

Because people equate ‘multiple partners’ with ‘predator’ and think everything I say is an attempt to get in their pants.

Because I am fed up of love triangles as easy plot devices in my media.

Because the LGBTQA+ movement are so desperate to show ‘allies’ they are ‘just like everyone else’ that they shit on everyone with a non-monogamous dynamic.

Because when a monogamous couple have sex with each other every night it’s having an active sex drive. When I have sex with a different partner every night I’m a nymphomaniac.

Because people think that monogamy = validity, always.

Because monogamous hetronormativity is so ingrained that I don’t even feel like I can dance with someone without telling them the complete logistics of my love life.

Because people genuinely believe that raising a child communally is damaging to development.

Because when I say ‘I could never be monogamous’ I get dirty looks.

Because too many people have tried to confide in me when they’re cheating because ‘I thought you, of all people, would understand.’

Because I can’t talk about my relationship troubles with my monogamous friends because ‘I always have something to fall back on.’ As if my relationships are meaningless.

1. How long have you been polyamorous or been practicing polyamory?

Ironically, I am not polyamorous even though I have studied the relationship style extensively. As an intellectual, I intellectualize things that frighten me, and 25 years ago when I fell madly in love with “Rick,” a man who wanted to be non-monogamous (we had not yet heard the word polyamory), I was terrified. He and I discussed the potential for non-monogamy too frequently for 10 years, with me dragging my heels and making outlandish rules to manipulate the appearance of openness with the reality of monogamy, and him constantly pushing for more. Along the way, Rick and I had two children, barely any sexual contact with anyone else, and I wrote my dissertation on polyamory. The way we handled things with our polyamorous attempt was fairly inept, and we made pretty much all of the rookie mistakes that I discuss in greater length in a series of blogs on Psychology Today (see links 1, 2, and 3 below). Suffice to say here that no one felt like they came out on top, and we all limped away licking our wounds.

Rick and I eventually split up after 15 years together and for a while I wanted nothing to do with any romantic relationships at all. Instead, I put all of my energy in to non-sexual parts of my life, and thought of my kids as my primary emotional commitment and roller derby as my secondary. Eventually I started dating and think in retrospect that I could have been defined as a poly single, even though I did not identify with that category at the time. Without trying to create it or even thinking of myself as poly, I found myself dating multiple people at the same time, who were also dating other people, and sometimes hanging out with each others’ dates in groups larger than two. Because I did not feel jealous and had no expectations of anyone beyond the moment together (except that they have no expectations of me), I ended up dating people with similarly fluid relationship boundaries, many of whom turned out to be poly. So in a way, I became an accidental solo-polyamorist.  

While I do not assume that another serious poly relationship would end with the same disastrous results I experienced with Rick (from what I hear, I could expect an all new cast of potentially disastrous results ☺, said only partly in irony – or would it be sarcasm?), I am not eager to have another try at polyamory for other reasons. My sex drive is already too low for one partner, I am busy, and the main reason is that I often don’t get enough time alone and just thinking about another partner makes me tired. Plus, I have great friends and get a lot of my needs met through friendship – in that way I am polyaffective in that I have deep and emotionally intimate relationships with some people who are chosen family members, but we don’t have sex. These special friends have a range of sexual and romantic relationships with all sorts of others, and I am married, but we are sisters none-the-less.

2. What does your relationship dynamic look like?

My wife (I get shivers writing that, as I am still a newlywed) “Kira” and I have a “monogamish” (see link 4) relationship, meaning that we have some wiggle room to our monogamy. Again, this wiggle room is mostly in theory, and we have hardly ever availed ourselves of it (see the busy and tired discussion above). It gives us the room to make out with people on the dance floor, hook up with an ex, have a fling at a conference, or whatever.

In the almost four years that we have been together, Kira and I have had one threesome and each of us has had a single encounter with someone else. Obviously we rarely avail ourselves of extra-relationship sex, though the freedom to do so gives us an expansive feel that I really enjoy. If we exercised the non-monogamous outlet more often it might come to feel more threatening to me, but at this point the idea of it is comfortable in a way that it never was in my first open relationship with Rick. I also learned something things from the mistakes I made with Rick that are helping to sustain my relationship with Kira, something I elaborate on in my selection in Stories from the Polycule (see link 6) where I talk about deciding not to play with fire a second time.

6. In terms of risk-aware/safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

Although I still think of myself as bisexual and have Kira’s “permission” (I don’t really need permission per se, I only need to be honest about it afterwards) to have sex with men if I want to, it has been years since I have had contact with a penis. Kira has jokingly referred to herself as a “gold star lesbian” because she has never had penetrative sex with a man. The absence of penises (penii?) in our sex lives means that the potential for STI transmission is quite low. As a sex educator I feel compelled to say that we use dental dams when we have sex with other women, but it would be a lie (although I did once attempt to use non-microwaveable plastic wrap and it worked pretty well - would have been better with lube). If we had more sex with others or if I had sex involving a penis then I think the STI issue would loom much larger than it does, but for now it is a virtual non-issue.

7. What is the worst mistake you’ve ever made in your polyamorous history and how did you rebound from that?

The biggest mistake I made (so far) was negotiating lots of rules with Rick and then finding out that they did not work well at all in application. To make a long story short, I had instituted a veto policy when Rick and I were unicorn hunting, thinking that I did not want him to leave me for another woman. When we caught our unicorn and he turned out to be a man – “Steve”– Rick was less than thrilled and wanted to exercise the veto policy that I had pushed for. After a wrenching year and half in which all of us suffered, Rick and I sold our house and moved to a different state with the kids in order to run away from Steve. You can read more details in chapter five of my first book, The Polyamorists Next Door (see link 5), which was just rereleased in paperback.

The rebound took five years of me trying everything I could to reinvest in my relationship with Rick, going to couples’ counseling, personal counseling, hypnotherapy, aromatherapy, anti-depressants, and just gritting my teeth and hoping it would get better. After five years my teeth were wearing down and I was starting to drink too much. Remaining frozen in place around the relationship catastrophe that we had survived was not good for either Rick nor I, and I realized it was either split up or become a bitter, angry alcoholic because I would have to anesthetize myself to stay in that relationship. The choice was clear.

Kira and I, in sharp contrast, have avoided making rules, with the exception that we tell each other the truth at our earliest possible opportunity. Instead of rules, we talk about things as they happen, and it has been working great. Recently when she expressed concern about someone I was considering dating, we took several days to discuss her hesitation. Kira did not ask me to refrain from dating this other person, but after discussing her reasons for being hesitant, I decided not to pursue the relationship. Because of the way Kira and I handled it and discussed it, I am left feeling content and comfortable with the decision that I made to stick with friendship and forgo romantic connection with this other person. That is in sharp contrast to the way I felt after Rick vetoed Steve, primarily because I felt bullied into polyamory with Rick, and everything was so difficult with him. Things are much easier with Kira, much less hierarchy in our communication, and much more collaboration instead of jockeying for the moral, relational, or rhetorical high ground. That has made all the difference for me.  

Bonus: Do you have any groups, projects, websites, blogs, etc. that you are involved with that you would like to promote.

Link 1: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201405/why-i-am-not-polyamorous-you-might-want-be-part-1

Link 2: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201406/why-i-am-not-polyamorous-you-might-want-be-part-2

Link 3: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201407/why-i-am-not-polyamorous-you-might-want-be-part-3

Link 4: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201407/seven-forms-non-monogamy

Link 5, The Polyamorists Next Door at Amazon

Link 6, Stories from the Polycule at Amazon