my wanderland mind.

hk.

-- of existing, of being in a life full of ups and downs, in a world of uncertainty, in a reality of constant change, in a space that will always be invaded.

i've checked my account for a few times, i didn't have the right mind and the right time to pour all my thoughts in the past. so many things happened, significant change happened and it truly broke my heart, i can never repair my heart in any way that i can, even if i try my best not to get hurt anymore, no other way to keep my mind and heart in maximum potential.

i just lost my dad to cancer.

something deep down broke me. i don't know how to live the same without him. we went through heartbreaks together, we had our fair share of misunderstanding and beautiful moments, everything, from point of my existence up to where i am now, all have been so fruitful and worth it. i miss you papa. i cannot think straight without you. you and mama are my greatest pillars in life. i will not have stability without the both of you. but life goes on, losing papa is inevitable, it's so sudden, it feels unreal, it feels an overnight bad dream, but i still wake up with a feeling of hitting my chest of the fact that none of this is fake. losing a parent is my final straw to my sanity.

ive kept myself busy scrolling social media, taking good care of my dogs, strolling in malls, working all day and having good sleep at night.. everything seems perfectly fine because i still take my medications.

now it's almost midnight and thoughts are sinking in again. before going to bed, i went out to stay in a coffee shop with my dog, reading self help book again, a lot of things came up to my brain again, things i want to reflect on and things i don't want to think about.. yet again, i realized, i am still recovering. i don't want to say that i am not okay, i am just in the process of healing.

sometimes i wish my mind has an off switch button, to keep my mind away from comparing myself to others and to stop looking down on myself whenever i see people getting their life together or them being happily in love with someone. i can't help but think why i am on the opposite side of the world. the feeling is ambivalent. you want to be alone but you want to be so loved and appreciated. it's the kind of emptiness that is burried at the back of my mind, something that is valuable to me, a milestone in life that i need to achieve soon. but now still not in my priorities but longing for so long.

my mind wants to scream of my need for love and attention. i've noticed that i am bolder to express and admit my need for affection. but i cannot say it to anyone just yet. i keep it here and in my heart. how i wish someone would love me for me.

i am now more in control of the way i think, i see clearly what's relevant and not, i know this will matter in a few years time but not this time. i just need to type it, to say it without thinking of any judgment, to free my mind from loneliness and overthinking. after all, here, in the present, i am okay, no one is hurting me, just my thoughts, i am fully aware that i am fine. it hurts a little, but i will be okay.

i am now ending this with an optimistic mind. i'd like to commend my mind for being honest and vulnerable. it's alright to be soft sometimes, but it has to fuel my mind to be stronger than my thoughts, to let everything pass by, this too shall pass and as always, we look up to brighter tomorrows.

i need to love myself a little more. i will be stronger and braver not for anyone else but for myself.

may we all sleep now and release all the hurt through writing. we deserve to sleep safe and sound. let the Lords comfort embrace us and reassure us that we are blessed and we are feeling okay.

wow i can't believe my last update was still january. i've always wanted to type a lot here especially when i'm alone and i wanted to share my thoughts but i felt like i just haven't had the right time to pull my laptop and start working on it. anyway, just dropping by to say that i'm feeling better, so much better than the first month i took my antidepressants and antipsychotics. no more suicidal thoughts for me so far. i've felt stress but it doesn't feel like hurting myself anymore. i've tolerated a lot of situations and i'm glad to have come out calm and persevering out of it. i just wish this person that i am now would last not only because i'm taking my medications, but because my brain has rewired in the best way because of it.

hi.

again, like i always say, it's been a while since i did blog again. this Christmas break i have been busy cleaning my room, organizing my collection of photocards, been frequently outside with my family and i haven't had much time to open my laptop and write something.

my mind is in chaos right now, i don't know how to feel, but it feels just like you know it will happen but the least you expected it to come true at least. my mind dove into the depths of the unknown and i feel like i've lost my identity in some way. i know it's my mistake because all along, i tried to build and know myself in the best way and i have labeled so much of myself while i was been undiagnosed for so long. most often i feel proud saying, i have adhd, i have depression all because i was confident and i feel like i have accepted the fact that i have it all. but not until then i went online to see my very first psychiatrist, Doc Liezl.

she asked the reason for consult, i said i have insomnia and severe anxiety, she asked about the family background and how i get along with them, i told her that i'm in good terms with them now but i cannot be more open to my mental health needs because they would only dismiss it. she didn't ask any more questions aside from what else can i ever acquire my anxiety from. but i blame it to the pandemic, i became so isolated and the feelings arise in an extreme level. i told her i have depression and that i have intention of harming myself, but not for long. 2023 is my healing period, i have overcome everything (i think so), that's why facing 2024 is a whole new journey for me because i want to be diagnosed early and to become even more prepared in the future.

in the course of my existence, i saw fluctuating anxiety and depression go hand in hand whenever i have life transitions. i get used to just have them, feeling it every single day, there are days i don't want to exist and it's fine, there are times i make excuses not to attend events because i'm anxious and it's okay too. not until then i had so many anxiety attacks over the years and now it was lessened but when it happens, it's so severe that i couldn't get up from bed and i almost don't sleep.

Doc Liezl has heard all of this. She is much aware from the start that i have core symptoms of anxiety -- intense fear, fatigue and lack of sleep. that brought to her attention of diagnosing me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), which is i'm not surprised having with. before i came to her, i was thinking a lot if i have ADHD, borderline personality and that GAD. but after being diagnosed, i just realized that there's much to it. i cannot just rely on the criteria and tell myself i have it. an experienced psychiatrist should diagnose me and do a lot of tests for me to get over with my symptoms. currently i was prescribed with an antidepressant and an antipsychotic. She said that i have a lot of thoughts in my head and that her goal is to keep me calm first and have better sleep before she conducts other assessments for me like ADHD and bipolar assessments and stuff.

i don't know if this feels normal for someone who has been diagnosed, i don't know if feeling confused is just normal or if feeling a little bit under the weather is okay. she told me that my depressive symptoms shifted into anxiety symptoms and that anxiety has become my core symptom that lead to GAD. i didn't think of it that way but i have understood it better because of her.

hoping for brighter days but im just glad that i have more time to spend for myself this week and of course another time to reflect on things properly before i go back to work soon.

happy 2024 everyone. the journey of striving to get to know yourself is really difficult but once you've stepped on top, it will be a straight and longer road ahead, and we're much ready to face it soon.

my mind filled with void

inside and outside pain thrives

nothing ever more matters

people come and go

i'm always left alone

i give my all and say no worries

but i end up feeling the most worried

no one catches my subtle sorrow

but i get to see all minds being narrow

i feel like no one needed me

because i lose myself in it

that high mountain of self doubt

those arms that cannot pull out

any single memory of melancholy

only leads to big chunks of self loathing

i continue to make my time for others

even when i feel like no other

but deep in my soul

i wish somebody sees my thoughts

i'm longing for affection

i sincerely apologize to this site for leaving it on hold for so long. I wanted to express so many things but I am yet to have adjusted with the technology nowadays. now, I have my laptop to put in all my thoughts for some release.

my best friend will be leaving in 2 1/2 months going abroad, and i don't think i am ready for another emotional breakdown at the end of this month. it bothers me a lot and makes me question why do the people i love needed to cross borders and pursue new paths without me. i am nearly being literally alone again.

been also doing some charity works on the side, it's very fulfilling but how i wish i get to do it with someone special in my life too. contemplating if i will be going abroad soon or maybe going to search for the love of my life too.

you know, when in two days you're going to be 30, then you are not getting any younger anymore, it's time to make big decisions for my future self.

these days i've been immersing in reading self-help books, actually, it's not really about helping my mental health, it's about empathizing and telling me straight to my face that i have to make a step for me to see the changes in my life unravel in this lifetime.

i love solitude, but how i wish i have someone to be with me in it.

lately, we had a lot of outings with my colleagues, those mini strolling and dinner days make me feel alive at times, not making me think of things like ending my life or so... i really treasure those memories. however, i still feel truly empty on the inside.

in my work, it has always been fulfilling, it's my grounding management to make me feel connected with people and reminding me of my sense of purpose. a lot of changes happened in the workplace (demands getting higher, inflation gets in the way of saving up, mental stress keeps growing because of needing to do counseling with parents as well ..aside from their children doing therapies with me) but those things don't make me depressed, i am just feeling anxious with the thought of being hyperfocused over fixing their problems that it consumes my leisure time and my own time to venture new paths while being a therapist.

i think this is the most random blog post i ever posted, but i find this site my home and i see the changes happening in my life over the decade. making blogs remind me that i have come this far and that i shouldn't waste my life over my thoughts that have no truth to it all.

right now, i am honestly in autopilot, working and earning, doing chores, having some time to go to mall whenever i can, doing shopping when i can and stuff.. all in a repeated cycle. i am not complaining with whatever is happening right now.

i am fully aware that i am just feeling exhausted and that this pre-birthday sadness keeps getting difficult for me to handle. maybe i needed a vacation but how can i do it when i am not even motivated to begin arranging it.

i am doing yoga/ pilates mostly in the mornings, it has been helping me and also doing my best at night to clean my room, organize my things, listen to music, play games on my gadgets just to keep my sanity each day. it is still working.

this is the most honest and vulnerable state i've been, maybe being 30 is really getting emotional in your adulthood. i still think like a child, adhd sucks, rejection sensitivity dysphoria (rsd) sucks, depression sucks, anxiety sucks, panic attacks suck. i hope i don't get much of those after i get 30. i am feeling the need to be strong.