« ❤ Have courage and be kind.

you are a precious child, innocent and selfless, coddled by those that adore you so, those that know very well that you live day by day with the possibility of harm teetering between existing and mere hypothesis. your brother who raised you adores you, he wants to keep you safe, but no one can teach you the truth of WHAT you are more than yourself – so you go. you leave the safety of your city behind; to journey and discover, to become stronger, to be capable of protecting yourself and those you cherish so dearly. you look for crystals blessed with unimaginable power to prove your worth; to prove that you’re capable of being independent, that you can protect yourself, that you don’t need to worry anyone.

you can’t count how many times you’ve almost died for the sake of others.

but you tell yourself, singing it like a mantra: you need to be stronger. you promised you’d come back strong. you can’t die, you can’t die, can’tdiecan’tdiecan’tdie–

it’s a year later when you see his face again with those two at your side, devoted as you are. how relieving it is.

           you are 15.

your life becomes so picturesque, perfect just the way you imagined it. your best friend is your partner in crime in the guild that raised you. after a year of traveling, you still walk hand in hand with your two closest companions. nari, sweet nari, the mother to you and him, after being lost for so long she finally finds it – her memories. her family. she’s at peace with her existence. 

things seem to finally be falling into place.

rou, too, despite it all, seems to accept what he is; accepts the fact that it does not change him, and he learns that are others that share his fate – and he takes responsibility, like the warm person you know for him to be. ( of course he blames himself, for such TRAGEDY is caused by his own blood, his own brother, a traitor. )

of course when he asks for your help, you offer it. it’s your job to help, to protect, to make people happy. the new friends only make your life all the more exciting. the fact he can come to terms with his existence makes you the happiest you’ve ever felt.

you’re still left.

you still don’t know who or what you are.

you think, deep down, maybe there isn’t an answer after all despite your desperate searching.

          you are 15 and a half.

you regret your searching. you regret wanting to know. you want to go back to peaceful days filled with laughter and smiles and living in your own ignorance. please save me i don’t want to know.

you understand what true hate is for the first time, and its form is nearly your mirror. ( in the end, perhaps that’s saying something in itself. ) he’s your uncle, he says, from the very beginning of your family lineage. an immortal with GOD themself at his belt, he’s stronger than you and you hate it.

you lose control of your own body to him, forced to face powers you sealed away years prior. the fear of being called a MONSTER rises up from the depths of hell with a fury, and never did you think you could throw up whilst your consciousness was somewhere far away from your body.

SPARE ME, HOLY ONE. O’ GREAT CREATOR, I BESEECH THEE—–

in the end, you never had a choice but to accept yourself just as your friends had – only the truth isn’t pretty like theirs. it’s ugly, it’s black – YOU ARE A MONSTER WITH BLACK LIGHTNING CRACKLING AT YOUR WAITING FINGERTIPS!! and in the end, you’re not the same when you finally come back, when that seal is finally broken just as intended. you’re scared, terrified, you begin to be less and less honest with the person you trust the most. ( and you know he sees it, you filthy hypocrite. )

‘it can’t get worse,’ you tell yourself. ‘this is the end of your suffering,’ you say – but you’re still wrong.

you meet your real family you were stolen away from. you meet a mother you’re a spitting of, a father whose eyes beam so proudly when he knows naught a thing about you but your name, a brother who LOATHES you for the fact you were stolen away and caused such grief only to come back when they were moving on.

you can’t blame him. you hate yourself too. unlike rou and nari, you are not at peace with your existence. rather, you’re farther away from it than ever before.

things are spiraling down and there’s nothing you can do about it but wait for impact.

         you just turned 16.

you meet him again, the man that wears the lie of saying he’s a part of your family. ( you can’t believe him, he’s too selfish, too wicked, there’s a twisted glimmer in those eyes that serve as a mirror to show your paralyzed reflection. ) you want to know why he torments you so – and you wish you didn’t, in the end. he gives you the truth at its core: why you are YOU, why you were chosen, what it means to be a DIVUS in the most horrid way possible.

you relive the suffering of millions, all of the pain and genocide flashing behind your eyelids every time you dare to blink. screaming, begging, writhing, pleading – you grip at his clothes, you beg him to stop, you say it’s enough. YOU DIDN’T WANT THIS! 

you want your innocence back.

he tells you innocence was never meant to be something for you.

you’re not as strong as you thought, so you just run away from it all. away from your family, away from your friends, you run to the end of the world and want to die alone like you deserve. as a divus, that destiny is all that waits for you anyway. the nightmares from all the deaths you’ve seen make sure you never forget that.

mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the loneliest of them all?

                ( … IT’S YOU, KONARU. )

        you are 16 and a half.

the days blend together. everything is the same as the day before and the day after. the sunshine in your eyes are no more, but perhaps that, too, was something not meant for you – it was just a fallacy. you will die eventually, you think, as months pass… but to the very end, you’re not allowed to have what you want.

in your self loathing, in your fear, you forget the most important thing: that he said no matter how far you went, he would find you– And he does.

for the first time in years does he show pure rage, pure hurt, pure confliction and not hesitating to swing his sword despite how you can feel the desperation in his swings that scream ‘PLEASE SHOW ME YOU WANT TO LIVE’. it’s in between the cuts and screaming that you wonder why you’re fighting back – and the moment you let your guard down, you’re touched for the first time in what felt like an eternity.

someone so strong and independent in your eyes quivers and shakes, nails digging into your skin, tears dripping onto your bare arms. his voice is cracking, a sob: ‘don’t keep trying to die without me, i can’t take losing you’.

and you break. you cry, you wail, you lay out all the lies you hid from him – he says he knows, but you say them regardless – and dig your nails into his clothes, wheezing out into his worn scarf. you’re not strong, you can’t do anything on your own, everything is too much now, but your best friend accepts it all regardless.

how could you forget you once did the same for him?

‘ let’s take the long way home, konaru. ’

       you are 17.

perhaps you still haven’t completely accepted who you are – but in the end, perhaps you never needed to to be yourself. even if your existence is written with the blood of the TRAGIC, you want to exist for them.

you’re not normal, but you’ll be okay.

your family says they’ll make sure of that. rou says he’ll follow after to bring you back no matter how far you run, so run if you must.