it's finished, it's done. you can't take loved away.

you’re a watcher. you have been told that your life is to be dedicated to the protection of the world, the instruction of the slayer, the destiny you were born to and nothing else. you are lonely – so lonely that it is burning you up inside – but you are not allowed to be lonely, because if you allow yourself to admit to loneliness, you have to confront that you will feel this way for your entire life. and then you meet someone and you know without knowing what she is that she understands you – you look into her eyes and you see someone who knows what it is like to be so profoundly lonely, so intelligent. someone who is so unattractively cynical and mean in a way that you yourself have done your best to temper – that you cannot help but admire, because she is so unabashed in her honesty when it comes to who and what she is. 

and then you fall in love because how can you not fall in love. because your heart is overflowing with love that has had no outlet for so long. so you give it to her, because – you are allowed to love with her in a way you can’t with your slayer, with the children that aren’t yours. you are allowed to admit that you want something warm. 

and you are in love, and it’s wonderful. 

and she dies.

and you find her on your bed – posed so prettily in a way that is so clearly meant to hurt you. and maybe there is more to her death, but all you see is a pawn struck down because of you. because you loved her. and the knowledge that your love for her was what killed her is awful enough on its own, but then your love for her is weaponized – you sell the world you have been sworn to protect for a single kiss from a dead woman, and you do it without even a moment’s hesitation. you do it because you love her and you would burn the world down if it would bring her back. you do it because her hands are cold but they are still gentle. you do it because she is worth more than anything to you.

and your love for her is now a weakness – your achilles heel. you have withstood hours of torture and misery, but a mirage that looks like her is enough for you to be made useless. your only purpose in life has always been to be useful.

you are a man of logic.

the problem: your love for her has made you weak enough to forsake your duty.