Lelleebelle Rants

i find the best young children's books maintain bits of disquieting melancholy even in their final state of narrative satiety (or rarely, in their lack thereof). abel's island, where the wild things are, harold and the purple crayon, the little prince, my father's dragon, the giving tree, the velveteen rabbit, the last unicorn, all these are my long held or since rediscovered favorites. i remember in childhood a feeling of always 'leaving something behind' was never too far away, pangs of formless regret yet unbounded by a matured structuring of direction and intention. it was very different from pointed sadness or grief so readily depicted elsewhere. the books which understood and confirmed the verity of these inexpressible feelings were magnetic, and continue to be so even as the emotion itself has been partitioned into a kind of nostalgic obscurity by time and experience.

"I wish we met sooner" is such a gentle sentiment. I love you so much I not only want you in my future, but in my past too. I want to have known you when we were small stupid kids, have held hands together as we played outside. I want to have stressed out over exams together, nudging a mug of still steaming hot chocolate against your elbow to get you to focus. I want to have told you I love you before I did anyone else. I want to have held you in my arms when all those sad memories you describe to me were still fresh wounds. I want my past to have been full of you, and full of meaningful memories with you. I want my past lives to have been spent with you, whether as two lovers, or two housecats cuddling by the fireplace on a snowy day, or two flowers that just happened to bloom on the same day, next to each other. I want to have consumed your existence and intertwined it with my own since my birth, never to be separated from you for a moment. I want to have loved you throughout it all, for all time.

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