Lekselsior

To wait patiently while not knowing what you’re waiting for, that’s what destiny feels like.

Sitting by the window watching the snowflakes drop to the ground from the sky.

It’s coming it’s coming, I feel it I only can’t confirm the shape of it. Arrival is certain, just not the arrival time. I don’t have a directions.

To wait patiently without hope for something, a thing, just patience. I feel you in the air I just don’t know what you look like.

I know you’ll grab my hand I just don’t know what the weight of your hand will feel like.

I know you’ll smile in a way that makes me feel like home, I know because I can see the kind smirk on your face when I close my eyes.

It’s patience, let me be clear that this is not Hope. It’s release but it is not letting go of the dream.

Thank you for giving me this time with myself before you show up, I’ve needed it. I know you’ll show up right on time,

I just don’t know when. The snow stopped long enough for me to take a crisp walk outside. I felt you touch my cheek, you’re the warmth within the cold wind, hello.

My heart beats gently as I take one step at a time, not knowing where I’m going exactly but sure that I am walking my way towards you.

Holding no matter in my hands, just energy.

But I would never admit that.

I knew I knew i knew,

A bodily knowing , a reach like

An impulse towards you.

But I’d never admit that.

I’m so glad my body can do that,

Can lead me to you and show

Me the way through your eyes.

Maybe my blood cells gathered,

Clustered on one side of me,

Facing your direction.

I’m not sure if it was me,

Or if it was you or

Who to blame right now but I think

We may have fallen into a deep dark

Clicked on it without hesitation

And it brought me to your face.

I read your words

That you must have written

With your fingers

On a keyboard somewhere.

And then I felt your energy,

It entered my room

It was all around me, no.

I shut my laptop,

And turned towards a blank wall.

God dammit!

I remember

Learning its rules.

Making up my own rules.

On my own,

At my own pace,

I’ll write about it.

Before I fall asleep

To the white noise,

Caramel sticking

in the creases

Of my teeth.

Yeah yeah

I’m not so sure about you.

Or the way you are

Wrong but think,

So right.

And I don’t know

What to do with you.

Feeling it might not even

Be worth it to

Prove you wrong.

But wanting to text you

Hello and here’s the

Definition from Webster’s

And the

Playlist from Spotify

And the

Stats on emotional warfare,

Yeah yeah.

Whatever I decide,

I fucking

When I left, I tried desperately to look ahead to where I was going, not back at what I was leaving. But I kept turning back. I missed him. I drove myself crazy.

The sweet is too intertwined with the bitter, you have to experience both to have any.

I’ll dance out of the door but I’ll sob over my steering wheel at the next red light.

He was never mine, I remind everyone around me.

The eager faces that love me wanting to know how it went.

These faces belong to me, my heart reflected in all of their voices.

They peered into our togetherness and misread it for a bright and loving future.

I’m sorry, I explain.

I wrote the story that you think that you’re reading.

I got confused, I explain.

We kissed every morning over coffee and we called each other baby.

We had sex every day too but it was cold, and I faked it every time.

His eyes were so beautiful but they had ice in them and they froze me out.

I never felt seen but to pass the time I would pretend I was a vision.

Every day we were together was a far reach into an imagined world of bliss.

Underneath every intimate moment hid the challenge of my trying to understand him.

To protect myself I wrote the story of us but I wrote it with a stick in the sand.

I told the story to myself for so long that I thought it was true, too.

He just wasn’t. He just isn’t.

I don’t want to live with ice.

So I jumped in head first.

(Did you see what she did!?)

I was wondering what it felt like,

To finish the story of you and I

If there was one...

(Now there is one!)

Thanks for showing me

What it felt like to be with you.

Now I’ll never wonder again!

I know what it felt like

And I’m free from my imagination.

(Fairytales, external)

If I ever go back to thoughts of you

I’ll look at this poem.

Honey, you tried that.

And this is what it felt like:

Lonely. Disconnected.

Like an invisible dance.

Baby, you took a chance,

And now you’re free to find the love

That deserves you.

Someone told me this once

And I took it to heart.

“Yes, or no?” I’ll be asked.

You’ll misread my shaky pause,

And I’ll answer with a smirk of certainty:

“I don’t know.”

I don’t know about you and me,

I don’t.

I know that I love the way our feet fall

When we walk together, or I run behind you.

(I can’t keep up).

Not exactly stepping in unison no,

Your legs are too long for that.

But they hit the ground in a pattern.

Drumming the rhythm of you and I,

(harmonic, hopeful)

Onto the crust of the earth.

I don’t know about us, I don’t.

(Synchrony, realistic)

What I do know!

Is that I can see your stupid smile

Clear as a blue sky day

When I close my eyes for just a second.

I know that when your left hand reaches

And delicately falls on my knee, I know that I love that.

I’m not sure if I love you but,

At 2 am

From between linen sheets

In the middle of quarantine.

A kiss that says I love you

Is far from a kiss that is

Just a kiss.

It takes time, they say.

There’s no time, they say.

I look and the mirror and say, hello.

Hello and you are good enough!

And I kiss him and it’s a kiss.

It’s a kiss it’s a kiss.

By all the open hearts

Sending me moon beams

That I’m not sure