GOLDEN DAYS/////////

So since this drama was seemingly over and she would have literally NO REASON to contact me, at least for the day - I decided I would make today a ME day. To try to get me back on track as much as possible. I went to the pharmacy to try to straighten out some stuff with my meds but there was a setback and it’s gonna be a little bit trickier for me to get back on my anxiety/depression meds than previously thought. But I wasn’t feeling defeated so I switched gears and chose to decompress and get all the bad energy out. Maybe after 30 mins of leaving my place, I come back from the pharmacy to check my phone and i have two texts from her about the electricity temporarily being turned off & some other unimportant shit. Quickly texted that I wasn't home yada yada didn’t care byeeee. 

Shortly after I started to drive around aimlessly and listen to music. I drove through my high school best friend’s old neighborhood, by her old house and down the street to the park we used to always go to. I parked and sat there in my car for maybe 45 minutes. Just thinking of what my life has been for the last 15 years since I first went to that park. That no matter how many years have past, I still feel everything from back then, I still feel her. That I will always love and miss who she was in that snapshot in time even though I know she is no longer that person, without even having to know who she is now. That this void that she left can never be filled again, not even by her because that person, the person that I formed quite possibly the closest bond I’ve ever made - is gone. She’s so gone, she may as well have died. It happens and is a part of life and I’ve long since accepted it but that doesn't mean it doesn’t still break my heart. 

After the park I made my way to the city where my mother grew up and unintentionally ended up in the neighborhood of my grandmother’s old house. Maybe I wasn’t cognizant of what I was doing in the moment but maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I purposely led myself there. As soon as I saw the sign for Kelley Ave. i immedietely started tearing up and I just needed to see the house. Even if it doesn’t look the same, even if someone else lives there now. I drove by and it set off a bunch of emotions at once. Every couple of years I hit this point where i really miss her. The last time it was like this was my 25th birthday that I ended up spending alone. On my way home it was like a dam had burst and I couldn’t stop crying. I got home and decided I would take the rest of the afternoon to go for a walk, focus on getting through my emotions in peace. I walked to a park not too far. I ended up laying down, listening to music and bawling my eyes out. I started running all these memories of her through my mind. I wouldn’t say I came to the realization but in reflecting on the last 15 years it’s become glaringly apparent that the only safe space I’ve ever had was with her, in that house. Not the one I grew up in and definitely not where I am now. I kept trying to imagine what it would be like for 31 year old me to be able to show up at her house, walk through the door, into her kitchen, straight towards the sun soaked living room where she would be sitting in front of the glass coffee table like she always was. She’d probably be writing on napkins in Japanese, with the TV on, not watching what was on. I would sit down next to her and hug her and she would hug me back and tap my shoulder and say “Hi Chantel.” like she used to, in her strong accent, with her warm smile. And we would sit next to each other in comfortable silence like we always did and I would watch her as she scrawled her native language on leftover McDonald’s napkins. My grandmother was and still is the only family member of mine that I was ever allowed to be myself in her presence. Maybe it was a cultural thing, it just never crossed her mind that I needed to change/fit a particular mold because it wasn’t an idealogy she was familiar with, unlike my ant’s, parents, uncle’s etc. We had a great relationship, I was her first grandchild and I know that had a lot to do with it. I knew her relationship with my mom and my ant’s/uncle’s were more complicated, so not everyone has the same feelings about her as I do. But I was her favorite and she was mine and it is the only time I have ever been anyone’s favorite. She died when I was 14, she’s been gone for basically half my life now but I still would give anything to see her now and I don’t think I will ever get used to her being gone, no matter how long. All I want is to be next to her, we don’t even need to talk, I just want her to be able to be here now. I miss her so much, all I want is the chance to be with her again...

After an hour or so I walked back and started to feel a little better. Maybe not better but felt like I was able to let a lot out. All I wanted to do was go home, wind down and salvage the rest of the day and indulge in much needed self care. Where I currently stay, I have my own separate entrance attached to the main house but in order to get to my entrance I have to pass by the front of the house which currently has one of those doorbell’s with a camera attached that alerts people on their phone when there is any movement. I unlock my door and get inside. I literally put my keys, phone etc down and maybe 5 seconds pass since I’ve gotten inside and a text pops up from my landlord. 

“Nothing like fresh air for the soul! Hope your feeling better. I have good and bad days too!” 

I think this is the only moment I've ever wanted to murder someone.

I just came back from spending two hours mourning my dead grandmother, after a day filled with repressed emotions coming to the surface due to an awful few weeks (mostly due to my landlord) and I can't even come home with the expectation that I wouldn’t be bothered by her for the rest of the night. 

Today was just not the day. 

Not the time, place or her business. 

I feel like I have no peace anymore, the little I was able to grasp on to.

She has stolen it from me with her unchecked neurosis, constantly invading common boundaries. 

I’m at my wits end, truly. And I’m not sure what to do.

AND GODDAMN. I CAN’T EVEN FINISH THIS FUCKING POST WITHOUT MY PHONE NOTIFYING ME I’VE GOTTEN A TEXT FROM HER.

GTHGTYYJ$%$%$$#$#!@@@@!!!

(Insert the dog surrounded by fire “I’m fine” meme) 

Singing off with whatever’s left of my sanity.