leia

Even though that was not what she has been searching for she was curious about the table she saw when she stepped out into the godswood. Though she was nothing but familiar with the people sitting around it.

“My lady! Join us!”

Catelyn couldn’t help but smile at the way Ned’s face lit up when he saw her. She thought she could see a hint of relief there as well, though she could not quite tell.

It wasn’t entirely unlikely that he was relieved to see her considering he sat with Edmure and his lady. Edmure had not made it a secret that he was not particularly fond of Ned. He remained civil, of course, but there was always something hard in his eyes as soon as he was in the same room as Ned.

Catelyn sat in the only empty chair at the table, next to her brother. Opposite of her was Ned and opposite of Edmure was Lady Roslin.

Between them on the table was what had to be a game, though she had never seen it before. She only saw half of the board, the one closest to her. The other was hidden behind a screen, and there were different tiles and game pieces everywhere.

“What are you doing?” she asked, letting her eyes run over it all. “What is this?”

“Lord and Lady Tully are teaching me to play cyvasse” Ned told her.

She had never so much as heard that word.

“It comes from Volantis” Lady Roslin said.

“Every person of nobility in the south plays it” Edmure said. “Though seemingly it has not made it through the snow.”

“Neither have you, little brother” Catelyn said, picking up one of the pieces.

The little dragon she was looking at was carved from ivory while Ned and Lady Roslin’a pieces seemed to be onyx. The tiles were in many different colours.

“Oh give me that!”

He took the little dragon from her and began placing the tiles and pieces on the board, very carefully considering before placing them all. At the other side of the table Roslin was whispering to Ned while he slowly placed his tiles and pieces.

It was amusing to see the uncertainty in his eyes while Roslin guided him through the beginning of the game. She would have asked Edmure to teach her as well, but she would rather die than ask her brother to teach her something.

“Are you ready, my lord?” Roslin said, breaking the silence.

“Is the northerner?” Edmure responded.

“I am quite ready, yes” Catelyn smiled.

She was very much aware of to who Edmure had directed his question to, but there were few things she found such enjoyment in as messing with her brother.

“I have no less than five northern children” she calmly said. “I am as northern as the husband that gave them to me.”

When it benefitted her she was as northern as a person could be even though she did not always feel like it.

“Six, my love” Ned reminded her.

She placed her hands on her slightly rounded stomach.

“As northern and a little more, then.”

“You truly are infuriating” Edmure muttered as he removed the screen, making Ned and Roslin’s side visible.

Catelyn leaned over and kissed his cheek before standing up.

“I shall not bother you any longer, I was on my way to look for the children” she said. “Though play nicely now, little brother.”

“Might I have a quick word with you, my lady?” Ned asked, also standing up. “I need only a minute.”

“Of course.”

“Excuse me, Lord and Lady Tully, I will be back in a moment.”

She waited for Ned to come around the table, then took his arm and walked with him into the keep.

“How come you are playing games with my brother and his wife?” she asked as soon as they were inside, struggling to hold back laughter.

Ned sighed and shook his head.

“If only I could tell you. Lady Roslin began speaking of the game and suddenly I was sat at a table to play.”

She stopped and let go of his arm, instead putting her hands on his chest. It was endearing, the stoic Lord of Winterfell sitting down to play games with his wife’s family. Even better was that he had no idea how to play.

“I am glad you get along so well with her.”

He laid his arms around her waist and gave her a small smile.

“You see, my wife and her husband are quite similar so we have found that we share common ground there.”

He was not only sweet, he also enjoyed taunting her.

“I take much pride in my family” she told him.

“As you should” he chuckled.

He leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to her lips.

“Do not lose against Edmure” she said as they parted.

Edmure would be absolutely unbearable if he won.

“That is entirely in Lady Roslin’s hands, I do not understand a thing” Ned let her know.

The flutter in her chest was one she knew too well. She had believed it would be different, that after the years that had passed since they last saw each other it she would have realized it was nothing. But when she laid her eyes upon him she immediately understood that nothing had changed. It was still the same.

He stood next to the king, clad in white and with one hand on the hilt of the sword at his hip. Stoic. Always stoic. Never showing anyone his feelings. But she could see in his eyes that there was a storm in his mind too.

~*~

She was as beautiful as always. Beautiful as a sunset in autumn. Beautiful as a fresh snow. Beautiful as a flowing river. She was more than that. And seeing her smile once more was like going up for air after having been underwater for too long.

And still he had to stand quiet as her husband helped her off her horse. Once he had been the one wearing the white cloak. Once Jaime Lannister had been a member of the Kingsguard. But those had been different times, and it had been a different king.

~*~

Being married to the queen’s brother had advantages. You got to sit at the high table as an official guest of the royal family. Converse with the most important people in the Seven Kingdoms. The queen. The king. The Hand of the King. And her sister. Oh how she had missed her. But she was not the only one she had missed.

Being married to the queen’s brother had disadvantages. The Kingsguard were standing by their table. And just behind the king was him. Occasionally she threw glances at him, didn’t dare more. Instead she looked at her sister, and her husband, and the queen, and the king, and everyone else around her. All the nobles and people living at court with their colorful clothing and their carefully styled hair. He stood out among them, in pristine white and polished armor.

~*~

Robert had asked much of him. He had risked his life for him in the war. He had sworn his life to him once they won. Every day he woke up knowing that he might have to give his life for Robert’s. That was his duty, that was honorable. And he had no doubts about that he was doing the right thing. But his life was not all he had given up for Robert. He had also given up her. She would have been his wife, they would have been Lord and Lady Stark of Winterfell. Instead Benjen held Winterfell. And Jaime Lannister had won her hand in marriage.

They had no children, he wondered why. She had always wanted children. She would whisper about it to him, the children they would have, how she would love them.

Her husband seemed to pay more attention to her sister than to her. It was a shame that she had no one to love her as she deserved.

~*~

Last time she was at court had been four years past. She had only been married a year. The flutter had been blended with pain. There was still pain. Not so much. A little bit. A thing that hadn’t changed was the images of what could have been that was floating in her mind. What if he had been the one at the table with her. What if it had been Winterfell she would return to when it was time to leave court. Would they have had children? Would he have shared her bed? Would he have cared for her more than for his sister? Jaime had been at court more often, she had opted not to go with him. She was the Lady of Casterly Rock, she would rather stay there.

But she was at court. And he stood there, so close, yet so far away. And in his hands he held a piece of her heart. She had believed she had got it back, but it was still his belonging.

She saw how Arys Oakheart took his place behind the king. After bowing he walked down the length of the table. Right behind her. So close that she would have been able to reach out and touch him.

~*~

Some part of him had known she would follow. And yet he was startled when he heard footsteps behind him. The keep seemed to be empty outside of the Great Hall. Everyone was there for the feast. Everyone except for them. The feast could not have mattered less.

“Ned!” she called. “Wait!”

He stopped, but could not bring himself to turn around. What would it feel like? Talking to her? Seeing her up close?

“Catelyn.”

She came up next to him and laid a hand on his arm. He could not feel it through the armor. He wished he had not worn armor, he wished he had not been in the king’s service.

“I have not seen you in so long” she said.

The smile on her face seemed so full of sorrow. And yet he was happy to see it.

“You did not come to see me” he said.

“You have a duty to the king, I have a duty to my people.”

There was something she did not say.

“Is that why you have not come here?” he asked.

The smile faded, a short moment later you could not tell that it had ever been there.

“You are the reason I have not come here” she said firmly. “You are a wound I did not want to rip open.”

He sighed. He should not have stopped. She should not have followed. Their chapter had been a beautiful one, but it was over.

“You should forget me” he sighed. “Be happy.”

He kept walking, trying to ignore that suddenly the armor felt heavier than usual and breathing seemed like a challenge.

“No!”

She grabbed his arm again with surprising strength for her size.

“You left me. You abandoned me for Robert. I can’t ever forget that.”

He could not regret the decision to join Robert’s Kingsguard. But he could regret not being her husband.

~*~

“I had to” he said hoarsely.

They had been betrothed. They should have been married.

She could feel her eyes fill with tears.

“You did not have to do anything, you had done enough for him. You should have been mine.”

He should have been hers. He should have been her husband. There was nothing she wished more.

“Catelyn, you are married.”

“I had no choice.”

Ned looked at the tapestry on the wall. She didn’t know why, but clearly there was something about it.

“If I asked you to come with me, would you decline?” he asked.

There was not a bone in her body that would protest. Her whole body was singing with the want to with him. The need to go with him.

“Please ask me” she breathed.

“Would you come with me, Cat?”

“Yes.”

He walked over to the tapestry and pulled it aside, revealing a path behind it. It was dark in there, she did not know where that path would take them. But she would enjoy every moment alone with him.

His mouth was on hers before the tapestry had fallen back to cover them from any curious eyes that could happen to wander by. No one saw them. No one had to know. It was their little secret. A sweet little secret.