love and be lost...

There are many different feelings that can hit you at 3am when you can't sleep. There are also many different feeling that can hit you at 3 pm when you're having fun with your friends. Do you know the feeling of being unloved? Do you know this exact moment when you're laughing but suddenly stop because you realise that you're all alone? Yeah, me too. I mean, there are good days. Some days, I feel great just being with myself. Some days I feel independent and that I don't need someone else in my life. But most of the times I feel completely alone. Sometimes I already feel that way when I wake up, sometimes I start to get this feeling after work or just late in the evening. And when I start to feel this way I don't have a way out of it. My body is hurting, I can't do anything and I feel like I'm going to cry but there are no tears. I see all these happy couples on the street, I hear from all of my friends who are in relationships. Of course I'm happy for them but it hurts so bad too. I really understand that they want to talk about it all the time, I would too if I was in a relationship, but they just do not understand that this topic makes me so incredibly sad. Sometimes I'm okay with their storys, sometimes I enjoy listening to it. But most of the time I will fake my laugh and begin to cry when I'm at my own. But I won't tell my friends because I'm afraid that they'll think I'm just jealous. And when I'm out with friends who can't stop talking about their perfect boyfriends or girlfriends, when I'm feeling this pain I try to numb it. I drink too much so I can feel happier, so I can laugh again, so I can forget about my heartache. But it often doesn't work. At the end of the day, I'm always the girl, who drank too much and can't stop crying because she is all alone. I feel so alone and unloved all the time. I wish I had someone who could love me. After years feeling that way I started to think that it's just all my fault. Maybe I'm too ugly, maybe I'm too fat or weird to be loved? maybe I did something bad in my life so now I don't deserve it? I mean, I would do anything be loved, but I'm losing my hope. Nearly every day I feel this way but I can't change it. I want to but I don't know how. I'm looking for excuses, I try to tell myself that maybe I'm not ready yet or that I have to work on myself first, but deep down I know that's all lies. I'm telling myself lies to make me feel better but it's not working anymore. And now I'm just hoping that things will change soon because I lose strength and hope more and more everyday. I want to finally be loved. But who knows, maybe I just don't deserve it... ctto