The Letter from Rueâs Mum
Hereâs whatâs going to happen: Your daughter is going to be funny, and smart, and outgoing. Youâll see it instantly from a young age. Sheâll be charismatic and make friends easily. Sheâll be kind and sensitive, maybe too sensitive. She wonât be an easy child. Sheâll struggle.
And in turn you will struggle to understand her. Understand what is going on inside her head.
The Night terrors that canât be interrupted. The times after dinner where sheâll just sit at the kitchen table, and count the kitchen tiles over and over until she hyperventilates. The Fight to hold her in your arms, to tell her itâs okay. To calm down. The kicking, the screaming, the anxiety of being harmed. The transitions from day to night, from home to school, from meal to meal. Of loosing her mother, or father, or little sister. Of being alone. The panic attacks, the mood swings, confusion, disorganisation, and all that rage, not just at you, but at herself.
And the tough part is youâll feel as helpless to help her as she does herself. Youâll make mistakes. Small ones and big ones. Youâll look for help from people who arenât helpful. Or who donât actually understand whatâs happening. And the guilt will never leave you.
But if you remain calm and patient, if you listen closely youâll begin to understand her more. The counting, the repetition, the need for symmetry. That you kiss her left cheek before bed you have to kiss her right cheek, and her forehead then her chin. That itâs about balance, stability, the need to organise her feelings and thoughts, so she can breathe easier.
And there will be moments of relief in her and in you, moments that feel so normal and calm and rewarding that youâll find yourself praying they last forever. Even though sheâs only a child and all the hard parts are yet to come.
And at the age of 16, sheâll overdoes spend 4 days in a coma, and you wonât know if sheâll live or die. But when she wakes up sheâll get the opportunity to get clean, to become a different person, a better person.
Hereâs the toughest part. No matter what you say, or do, or wish the decision will be all hers, and all you can do is hope that she gives herself the chance she deserves. Â
romaincrisis
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
andulkaphoto
blakekathryn
theartofmadeline
titsay
amandla
