leece

life is overall good, pretty good actually. I get frustrated easily. living at home constantly allows you to sit with these habits that normally you’d gloss over bc you have the distraction of other activities (eg. hanging out with friends, going out to eat, etc). being at home constantly pushes me into a more introspective state. that plus developing a relationship on top is an interesting experience. I hope I’m not being too grumpy. I think I just am grumpy often and normally am able to more easily conceal it. 

listening to my playlists from 2015... living in my childhood home... makes me think about things back then, just a few years out of college, so many possible vectors of life in front of me. but I will never become alice ------, or alice --------. disregarding the fact that I won’t be taking any future male partner’s last name as my own. but for a moment, it seemed possible, didn’t it? in the moment we looked towards the future, closeby and tangible. never realizing it was all so delicate. my love’s like a star. 

my girlfriend said recently that she regretted prioritizing a relationship in her early 20s vs her career. i found that interesting (and also inspiringly brave to share in the forum that she did) because I’d always been a little jealous of people like her. people who seemingly found their person so effortlessly, so soon. people who had a home no matter what. whereas (even though it has been filled with struggles), the path to success in my career has always felt natural and the path towards a stable relationship has always felt fraught. so many late nights, me and my eternal companion, art, which is another word for - myself. crawling into bed at 3am, hugging myself after i left it all on the artboard. feeling so profoundly expressed but also lonely. 

this song makes me think of someone really want to send it to him but that would be inappropriate and he would read into it and disrespectful to my boy and I don’t want to do that  so im just gonna put it here 

***

But we were something, don't you think so? Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool And if my wishes came true It would've been you In my defense, I have none For never leaving well enough alone But it would've been fun If you would've been the one

just spent the last 8 hours packing up all of my most precious belongings, moving it down four stories and tetrising it into my car with my crush. who then drove the car thru our tiny labrynthian garage and back to his house. where my favorite things like my clothes, bags, shoes, etc. are all safely at his house. so if i need to suddenly move I don’t need to worry...

After the last two, I felt

Twisted up, in knots

An alien to myself

Selfish 1 and Selfish 2

But I’m the one who chose

So that made me

The only fool

A restart, a year

To myself, I

Burned it all down

Began anew, a new

Person. Better, too

Let me show you

easing into quarantine and liking it a bit more. that said, I’ve not enjoyed it at all thus far, so mildly put this just means “didn’t hate it immediately.” 

have been feeling slightly annoyed with roommates R and D, who are quarantining with me. I think it’s because I’ve lived alone this past year, and when I did have roommates, it really felt like I was living alone anyway. having people in your space when you’re used your routines and preferences wrt cleanliness, orderliness, noise, etc. is an adjustment. 

R and I came to the agreement to try to do meals separately instead of cooking together and I feel so relieved. one theme I’ve noticed is that we’re both pretty stressed about food allocation. For me, it’s partly because: 1) I don’t know how much D eats, which is a lot, which I have personally not allocated for and ends up kind of destroying my ration more quickly; and 2) I think our diets are pretty different, with theirs being super plant-based and mine being more seafood/carby. 

I do know that they really care and are trying, I overheard R sounding exasperated with D when she noticed that her bunny had peed on their towel, and instantly felt bad that this might be contributing some more stress to them, so I went in immediately and was just like guys don’t worry about it! 

I think R talked to D about participating more in the house after I voiced my concerns to her that things seemed to be falling along gender roles wrt planning, cleaning, cooking, etc. it didn’t feel like my place to voice because I was feeling annoyed on her behalf that it seemed like she tended to do more of the domestic chores in their relationship (and this was apparent to / directly affected me because as roommates, we are sharing the chores as a threesome). like he wouldn’t pull his weight, and she would end up filling it. 

they are my dear friends and living with them has been challenging, but I think we’re getting there. 

a thought today on the call with the high school group: this is a great time for text-based flirters. 

i’m in a beautiful place, my home. my room has coral red walls and a red lamp that casts a warm glow across the ceiling at night, the fireplace is on and humidifier steaming next to me. 

i’ve felt so stressed in the last few days, setting up food and quarantine. 

and i’m in this beautiful place, with memories around every corner, it just brings back ghosts when I’m feeling so anxious and vulnerable. i’ve been feeling so strong and I know I am; i have to be for my mom right now. 

i remember curling up on the couch, listening to an excited feeling. remember when the only feelings I felt towards you were excitement and wonder?