I'd never lie to you

Alastor in Husk's flashback in episode 4 is the King of Spades. This is interesting to me because this card is also synonymous with the King of Swords in tarot, a card that basically defines mastery/control over emotion.

The good version of the card is like, clarity, intellect, authority and truth, but inverse its also like, potential misuse of power, manipulation, showing off. It can be inflexibility too, which I'd say for Alastor has DEFINITELY fucked him over more than once.

The king of swords also appears front facing the way alastor does here with his staff as the sword.

We got VOX, who used to be close with ALASTOR, before Alastor broke his heart because he wanted them to commit but Alastor probabaly thought he wanted to use him, so he's still heartbroken over that but has clung to VAL as a sort of replacement, despite the fact that he's scared to get close with him because of what happened with Alastor, and meanwhile Val wants to commit with Vox, he clearly likes/loves him more than Vox reciprocates but can't, so he throws all his hate and pent up anger unto ANGEL, whom he used to date but now abuses, and meanwhile Vox is insanely jealous of Angel for Val's obsession over him, which is probably some sign of needing the people in his life to be focused on him 100% of the time because of his broken heart from Alastor, but the crazy thing is Angel doesn't even like all the attention and spotlight he gets (because, you know, he's getting abused) and instead is actually crushing on HUSK, which makes Val even more jealous, and meanwhile Husk can't go save Angel or do whatever he wants because Alastor owns him!

Vel Is Vanquished By Vegan Week!

After several weeks flirting with the bottom spots, the socialite's luck finally ran out when she forgot to use two flavours for the ice cream cake, made 11 (not 12) pasties due to accidentally miscounting them before popping them in the oven and forgot to cut several of the fruits for the pavlova. Whilst Partagaz underwhelmed at both the Signature and the Showstopper with yet another repetition of his insistence at using cheese and pesto flavours, Sartha's blunders were sadly too big to ignore.

Star Baker: Bix Caleen

The fabulous Ferrixian simply cannot lose! She served a thrilling battle with Syril Karn, where she beat him to the top after the Signature challenge, while the Empire man pipped her to the post after a near-perfect technical. However, Bix's risk to use not just two ice cream flavours, but also a raspberry sorbet that paired perfectly with her dark chocolate decorations left the judges speechless and made her the clear winner. Now on we go to…

Quarterfinals: Jakku Week!

Contestants have to bake:

Signature challenge: 24 gourmet polystarch portion bread rolls in two flavours

Technical challenge: syrup semolina cake with handmade jakku date jam

Showstopper challenge: 48 uniform celebration sweet cookies in four completely unique shapes and flavours

*creative note: bar the polystarch bread, the technical and showstopper challenges are inspired by famous bakes from Arab cultures such as basbousa and ma'amoul (if you want to look them up!)

Notes: Please vote for who you think goes home. The voting period lasts 3 days until we get to the semifinals. The contestant with the least amount of votes becomes Star Baker.

Judges' comments:

Paul Hollywood: Listen, it wasn't as bad as the chocolate meltdown for last week, but if you start missing vital components of the bakes, you're simply going to end up at the bottom of the pile. Thrilled for Bix, though! Another week as Star Baker! She'll be a tough contender in the final rounds for sure.

Mon Mothma: *beaming* I'm incredibly proud of Vel. She hadn't baked most of these things before stepping foot into the tent, so she should feel proud of just how far she has truly come. She doesn't have any excuse to not bake more at home now!

Presenters' comments:

Kleya Marki: *looking mildly embarassed* How was my first day on the job? Well… not that bad. Everyone here is very nice, and it's great to see such hardworking bakers in the tent. *glares at Partagaz* Mostly.

Noel Fielding: *looking very happy indeed* I couldn't be happier! She's got the smarts, I've got the jokes, she doesn't make any contestant want to curl up into a ball and die… an absolute improvement over my predecessor.

An Extra Slice show and podcast host's comments:

Perrin Fertha: You know, in this day and age I don't think anyone is more persecuted than a handsome, wealthy man with opinions! I was hired for An Extra Slice but for some reason they get an absolute novice to co-host the actual show!? So what that her show was ridiculously popular after only two episodes? If they wanted a smart young woman they could have just hired my own daughter! They should have just hired my own daughter! Absolutely unfair!

Cakes, Candor & Baking Banter podcast interim hosts' comments:

Luthen Rael: Hello everyone, and welcome to Cakes, Candor & Baking Banter. My name is Luthen, and I am not Kleya. She was asked to become a co-host on the main show. Which was the right choice! She has fabulous diction, a keen insight into the bakers' skills, remembers every detail when it comes to flavours and decorations, and is still fair despite several Imperials on the show, which I think is -

Lonni Jung: *wincing hard* And I'm Lonni, who will be co-hosting with Luthen until Kleya gets back. I'm sure we're all delighted to see our Kleya on the big screen but for now, we'll be picking up the slack with *glares at Luthen* Kleya's signature wit and relevant insights. Shall we mix things up and start by taking a look at some of your comments from last week?

Choice contestant feedback:

Syril Karn: *sighs heavily* I'm doing my best, alright? I know some of the audience are disappointed in me. I don't go on social media, but my mother tells me that's what they're all saying…

Bix Caleen: *shocked* Wow. Honestly, I never would have expected this. I've never tried vegan food before so I just treated it like a scientific experiment with unfamiliar chemicals, I suppose. I'm glad it worked!

Brasso: I'm just grateful to be in the quarterfinals, what more can I say? Very grateful indeed.

Lio Partagaz: You can have pesto ice cream! You can have parmesan ice cream! People like both flavours, how is making either of them an ice cream a risk?! I bet if Cassian Andor had done that, you wouldn't be coming for him in this way!

Cassian Andor: *staring at Partagaz, shakes his head* I absolutely would not have done that.

Vel Sartha: *looking a little teary* I can't believe I've made it as far as I have done, but you know what I'm most proud of? The friendships I made along the way. Mon says I can bake more for the family now? *scoffs* No, absolutely not.

Choice spectator feedback:

Cinta Kaz: *weeping hard* She did so well. Vel's such a fighter. My fighter. My amazing fighter. I'm so proud of her. *whispers* And I'll find out the names of everyone who voted her off.

Dedra Meero: Another week where Syril has been completely shafted. I'd be scandalised if it wasn't for the fact that I'm well aware of how tribalism with competitions such as this one can lead to talent being overlooked in the face of favouritism. I was a fool to think he'd get fair treatment.

Leida Mothma: To be honest, I thought Aunt Vel would go out in week one, so I'm really glad she's come this far. The hosting situation? Dad says I could do it? Oh no, please don't drag me into this.

Orson Krennic: Another rebel winner. Disgusting. Depravity knows no bounds when it comes to anything vegan, does it? Absolutely disgusting.

Maarva Andor: *crosses her arms over her chest in triumph and raises an eyebrow* There you go. There. You. Go. You get 'em, Bix.

Dr Gorst: *stares fixedly at Bix* Star Baker again! Again! Such a fascinating mind…

Heert: *stares disturbed at Dr Gorst, before nudging Corv* You ask her.

Corv: *also staring uncomfortably at Dr Gorst* No, you ask her.

Heert: I was the last one to ask her an awkward question, it's your turn!

Corv: *taps Dedra on the shoulder* Can we please get Doctor Gorst removed? He's unnerving everyone… well, everywhere. All the people in all the places. Please can we remove him?

Dedra: *looks up surprised* What do you mean? The Doctor is perfectly - *catches sight of him looking weirdly at Bix* - wait, has his face always looked like that?

Heert: I'm afraid so.

Dedra: *grimaces* Stars help me. Get him out of here for the sake of everyone's morale.

Eedy Karn: What do you mean that not all the comments online think Syril's a disappointment? I do, and that's the only opinion that should matter to him. *pauses* Even if, for some reason beyond me, he keeps putting his girlfriend's opinion above mine.

Blevin: Of course I'm dismayed. I mentioned to Director Krennic himself that my great ISB presentation skills made me an ideal candidate for the presenting job, but clearly pandering to the audience was more important to the producers of this show. As to be expected.

Kino Loy: sitting in the back of an ambulance, covered with a blanket It was simply too early for me to try swimming across a river. Turns out a 10 meter front crawl certification isn't enough preparation for that kind of thing…

This is lowkey the funniest shit. Because of COURSE Brasso should get star baker on this, he's a worker on Ferrix, he knows all about portion foods, and of course Lio is about to splat because I (don't fact check me plz) highly doubt pesto is very common in Space Arab.

Anyone with a name that starts with a “Z”, ends with an “i”, and isn’t some kind of Italian pasta, IS SERIOUS

Anyone with a name that starts with a “Z”, ends with an “i”, and isn’t some kind of Italian pasta, IS SERIOUS

Wilmon Paak Is The First Ferrixian To Say Farewell!

The beloved and earnest baker found Pastry Week to be one week too many for him. His baklava came out of the oven underbaked, the traditional Ferrixian filling leaked through his savoury pie crust, and after having to serve 40 instead of 48 vol au vents due to accidentally dropping his tray when taking them out of the oven… his time was well and truly up, much to the sadness of many in the tent.

Star Baker: Cassian Andor

The pilot makes pastry his own! Once again, Andor found himself battling it out with Bix Caleen and Syril Karn in the early rounds, coming second to Karn in the baklava and beaten only by Caleen regarding plaudits for his pies. However, he played to his strengths with the vol-au-vents, and his dedicated pre-planning to create 60 vol-au-vents so that he could truly pick 48 of his best meant that his final offerings did not have a single dud amongst them. Now on we go to…

Week Six: Chocolate Week!

Contestants have to bake:

Signature challenge: 24 gooey chocolate cookies in two different flavours

Technical challenge: a chocolate babka

Showstopper challenge: an edible chocolate box cake, with custom chocolates inside

Notes: Please vote for who you think goes home. The voting period now lasts 3 days until we get to the quarterfinals. The contestant with the least amount of votes becomes Star Baker.

Judges' comments:

Paul Hollywood: Andor took a risk, and it paid off. I thought he was crazy making 12 more vol-au-vents than necessary, but the man's face said he'd do whatever it took to win, and his vol-au-vents were truly fantastic.

Mon Mothma: Wilmon gave it his all, but this week was just a step too far for his skills. I hope he continues baking - *starts to tear up* - I'm sure his father would be very proud of him.

Presenters' comments:

Lagret: *scoffs* Another Ferrixian winning Star Baker? Is allowing people from a backwater like that to win really what we want to promote as a society?

Noel Fielding: *picking up his phone* Hey, is that Jezzi from HR? Yeah, I think I finally have a legitimate complaint to make…

An Extra Slice show and podcast host's comments:

Perrin Fertha: Look, I know I said I never name drop, but Bail Organa is one of my Coruscant ride-or-die OGs and if you ask me, those judges were way too harsh on him. So he created the totally wrong item for the technical, but don't we all love a rogue sometimes? What's life without going a little left-field? Must everything be sad and boring?

Cakes, Candor & Baking Banter podcast host's comments:

Kleya Marki: *leaning in conspiratorially* I know we're all thinking it: how did Partagaz survive given that his vol-au-vents were basically varieties of cheese and pesto, and his pies were also chicken, cheese and pesto? At least Paak experimented with some flavours! Don't we agree that should be rewarded? Let me know what you think in the poll in the comments, dear listeners. Would you pick flavours over pastry quality, or pastry quality over flavours? Let's answer the hard-hitting questions.

Choice contestant feedback:

Syril Karn: *stares angrily at Cassian Andor*

Cassian Andor: Yeah, so I took a risk by making more than I needed, but it meant I really had the best of the best to show. All or nothing right? Of course, I want to thank Bix and Maarva for encouraging me, and for Brasso for noticing when my oven timer went off.

Wilmon Paak: *smiling* Honestly, I'm super happy I even got this far. I said I'd do this in memory of my father, and he'd be happiest knowing that I had the best time baking and creating things. I'll be rooting for Cass, Bix and Brasso until the end!

Lio Partagaz: What is wrong with cheese and pesto as a combination, exactly? I don't see the point of taking a needless risk when something works well. Just because something is fun that doesn't mean it's good. I'll use cheese and pesto as a flavour combo every week if I have to. What, next week is chocolate week? Ah. Maybe not next week, then…

Syril Karn: *continues to stare angrily at Cassian Andor*

Bail Organa: *doubling over* I have mediated over many a diplomatic negotiation and nothing has been as hard as the past few days in the tent. I'd rather sit in a debate with the Grand Vizier again… stars, can I sit down?

Choice spectator feedback:

Dedra Meero: *stares angrily at Cassian Andor*

Cinta Kaz: Fourth from the bottom means Vel's actually the fifth best, thank you very much. She's doing fabulously. Why do you have to put a negative spin on everything?!

Dreena: I'm just so proud of Wilmon. He's tried so hard, and I can't wait for him to come home and bake me some of those amazing creations!

Beela: *stares daggers at Dreena*

Krennic: *fuming, waving his finger in the air* Now that I'm gone, Lio is getting exactly the same kind of nonsense treatment that I was! There is nothing wrong with cheese and pesto! I tell you, it's that Mothma! She's got it out for us all! She always needs a target! Do I need to tell the Emperor? This is a conspiracy!

Heert: *sipping on a kali cooler, sunglasses on* Miss the tent? Of course I don't miss the tent. Why would I miss the tent? I'm having #thebesttime. Did I plan what I would have done had I made it to this week? Of course not, what kind of loser would do that? Andor won Star Baker? Ugh. Ew.

Eedy Karn: *stares angrily at Cassian Andor*

B2EMO: C-C-Cassian! C-Cassian won! C-C-Cassian won!

K-2SO: He won because of me, of course. I was the one who told him to be ruthless if he wanted Star Baker. He said he didn't care about winning it, but humans are such bad liars. Really, Cassian winning means I won, doesn't it? Do I get any money?

Luthen Rael: *quickly tucking away his datapad* Watching the show? No, I"m not watching the show. I can't help it if I hear Kleya during her broadcasts.

Kino Loy: *gasping for breath* I know this is my fourth try at the 10m front crawl certification, but the instructor told me not to worry, I can try again for a fifth time! *under his breath* Why is swimming so hard...

Kurt Egyiawan as Grymish

Heert Goes Home In Round Four!

After nary an impact, the ISB diva finally says farewell! The combo of an underwhelming macaron challenge where his overuse of chili almost made judge Paul Hollywood faint, and a disastrous tooka cat puppet theatre (as noticed by audience member @surgeonquadpaw) that not only creeped everyone out, but that tasted awful too… the man was by far and away the favourite for the chopping block.

Star Baker: Syril Karn

For the first week ever a non-Ferrixian takes the cake! The Bureau of Standards superstar smashed it out of the park with his use of authentic Ghorman flavours for his macarons (as noticed by audience member @lecritter11) and came second in the Technical challenge, whilst his puppet theatre presenting several famous stormtrooper battles impressed the judges with the historical accuracy of the armour and the perfect snap of the ginger biscuit on offer. Now on we go to…

Week Five: Pastry Week!

Contestants have to bake:

Signature challenge: 12 savoury pies

Technical challenge: large baklava

Showstopper challenge: 48 vol-au-vents

Notes: Please vote for who you think goes home. The voting period now lasts 3 days until we get to the quarterfinals. The contestant with the least amount of votes becomes Star Baker.

Judges' comments:

Paul Hollywood: Heert was the obvious choice. He's been middle of the road all the way, and the way he piped those tooka… they looked like demons: it's honestly going to give me nightmares.

Mon Mothma: *ferociously biting the head off a ginger biscuit stormtrooper* What can I say? When a ginger biscuit is this good, I cannot simply deny the skill of the baker involved. *bites the head off another biscuit stormtrooper*

Presenters' comments:

Lagret: *tearing up* What an utterly beautiful depiction of the greatest Imperial battles! So moving. *starts to cry in earnest*

Noel Fielding: *shuffling away from Lagret* What's that? Lagret's dad is a producer on the show? No, please say I'm not stuck with the guy…

An Extra Slice show and podcast host's comments:

Perrin Fertha: I hate tookas. My aunt had seven and one bit me once when I was a child. *shudders* The guy deserved to go home. What kind of psycho creates demon tookas for a puppet theatre? Excuse me, I need to call my therapist…

Choice contestant feedback:

Syril Karn: *struggles to hold in tears* Of course, I have to dedicate this award to my girlfriend. She's the one who really, really believed in my stormtrooper theatre idea. Yeah, this is for her. This has to be one of the greatest days of my life.

Bail Organa: *looking relieved* Biscuits are just not my thing. If only Breha were here. She's better at this than me. The last time I baked Leia cookies she somehow got food poisoning...

Vel Sartha: To be honest, this is the first time I've baked biscuits. Usually the servants made them for me… so in that sense, I haven't done too badly, right? Listen, I'm just focused on moving forwards, ok? Where's Cinta?

Lio Partagaz: *shrugs* Which audience member said my macarons were boring? @sassygirl579? White is a classic colour, and goat's cheese and parmesan is a classic flavour! I refuse the judges' statements that the ISB meeting room simply isn't interesting enough for a puppet theatre setting. My thoughts on Heert going out? Oh, well: he was substandard. As expected.

Heert: *sipping on a cocktail* Sad? No, I'm not sad. Why would I be sad? All the steam and heat in the room have been messing up my hair and skin for weeks now! Finally I'm out of this hellhole. *starts to look a little upset* Besides, carbs are bad for you anyway! What idiot likes carbs?! This show is stupid!

Brasso: Tension and drama in the tent? I don't know what you're talking about. I'm having a great time! It's exactly how I imagined summer camp with all my friends would be.

Choice spectator feedback:

Dedra Meero: Am I surprised Syril won? No, of course not. He's been the best since the very beginning. That you're only acknowledging it now is the real travesty here.

Cinta Kaz: She was fourth from the bottom?! How dare - ! *strides in the direction of the production offices* Tell the producers they can't hide from me forever! I'm not afraid of walking into the men's toilets if I have to! I will hunt them down and I will find them!

Eedy Karn: MY SON DIDN'T MENTION ME IN HIS THANK YOU SPEECH?!

Kleya: *sitting in front of a video camera* Hello flan fans: you're watching Cakes, Candor & Baking Banter with Kleya Marki. Dear viewers and listeners, this week we'll be recapping Week Four: Biscuit Week on The Great Andor Bake Off! Before we get started with the patisserie-based prattle, remember to press like and subscribe on whatever video or podcast platform you're using…

Corv: Heert's out? So he'll be back to the office soon? *sadly raises a reluctant thumbs-up* Oh yaaaay….

Mosk: *sobbing heavily into a tissue* I'm just so proud. So, so proud.

Kino Loy: *holding up a certificate* 5m Backstroke! I mean, I was the slowest in my class and there's still water up my nose, but I did it!

Chapters: 8/28

Rating: General Audiences

Relationships: Syril Karn/Dedra Meero, Syril Karn & Dedra Meero, Cassian Andor & Syril Karn, Syril Karn/Enza Rylanz, Dedra Meero & ISB Agent Heert & Lonni Jung

Characters: Syril Karn, Dedra Meero, Cassian Andor, Lonni Jung, ISB Agent Heert, Enza Rylanz, Luthen Rael, Carro Rylanz, Wilmon Paak, Kleya Marki, Orson Krennic, Eedy Karn, Lio Partagaz

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, What if Syril met Cassian in Ghorman?, Syril Karn is Obsesed with Cassian Andor, Cassian Andor is Confused by Syril Karn, Redemption, Idiots in Love, POV Alternating, Canon-Typical Violence, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Fix-It of Sorts

vs

Krennic Says Farewell In Round Three!

The Director finally exits the tent! Whilst he had a fairly decent run during the Signature and Technical challenges, placing firmly within the middle of the group for both, picking the Death Star as his 'piece of art' for the Showstopper (as noted by audience member @lecritter11) ruffled several feathers in the tent, notably that of judge Mon Mothma. That, as well as the poor quality of his sponge due to hyper-fixating on the visual accuracy of the space station, means that he's next to leave the tent!

Star Baker: Bix Caleen

A new Ferrixian takes centre stage! After coming fourth in the Technical Challenge, as well as crafting 12 mini cheesecakes with such a perfectly crunchy biscuit base that Mon Mothma even sneaked a second helping, the mechanic already had the edge.

But despite a close-run deal against Cassian Andor's depiction of Kenari art and a hyper-realistic sculpture of Dedra Meero by Syril Karn (as noted by audience member @lecritter11), Caleen sealed the deal with a beautiful Showstopper inspired by an edible artpiece of her parents, Maarva Andor, and the daughters of Ferrix. Now on we go to…

Week Four: Biscuit Week!

Contestants have to bake:

Signature challenge: 24 decorative macarons

Technical challenge: 12 custard creams

Showstopper challenge: a biscuit puppet theatre

Notes: Please vote for who you think goes home. The voting period now lasts 3 days until we get to the latter stages. The contestant with the least amount of votes becomes Star Baker.

Judges' comments:

Paul Hollywood: It was a close call, but the Director's been on thin ice for weeks now. He tried hard for the Showstopper, but, well… a Death Star… *winces* Talk about a death sentence -

Mon Mothma: *interjects* This is a serious contest, and the cheek to do a Death Star…! He's barely made the cut each week. I refuse to believe that he did not see this coming.

Presenters' comments:

Lagret: I thought the Director's showstopper was far and away the best. What better way to honour our hard work than in cake form?

Noel Fielding: *whispering whilst giving Lagret the side-eye* Can we talk to HR about this? He's starting to freak out some of the other contestants…

An Extra Slice show and podcast host's comments:

Perrin Fertha: What is art, really? Is it a white square with a banana taped to it? Or is it my series of paintings when I was fifteen called 'Musings In My Bathtub' that should have won the Chandrilan Young Artist Of The Year award? Because it's the latter, it is absolutely the latter.

Choice contestant feedback:

Syril Karn: *stares angrily at Cassian Andor and Bix Caleen*

Bix Caleen: Star Baker's just a little thing. No big deal. *starts to look emotional* Can I call Maarva?

Cassian Andor: Ah, I'm just really proud of Bix. She always leads with her heart. Maarva will be so happy!

Orson Krennic: *swishing his cape as he strides away* It's that Mothma! She had me kicked out! This is not a fair fight! The Emperor will hear about this: he's had my tiramisu, he will have words to say!

Heert: *sweating* Goodness me, that was a close call. I know I got too enthusiastic with the cream during the tiramisu round, but haven't we all had a bit too much fun with cream at some point?

Bail Organa: Ah, I don't have much to say. Everyone in the tent is lovely. *spots Krennic striding away, spitting fury* Well, everyone still remaining in the tent is lovely.

Choice spectator feedback:

Dedra Meero: Syril's showstopper was stunning, and it's an utter travesty that he did not win Star Baker. I'll be putting in a formal complaint to the production staff.

Cinta Kaz: So what if Vel's 'just doing okay'? Survival's the name of the game, isn't it? *looks furiously at the producers* Who said that she was 'just doing ok'? Who? Tell me who right now!

Tarkin: I can't say I'm surprised. You can't bring trash in and then be shocked when you take trash out.

Maarva Andor: I'm honoured. *looks deeply moved* I'm just honoured…

Kleya: We both know it was a risky choice to select the Death Star as ones' 'work of art' and it's a risk that didn't pay off. Poor judgement on the Director's part, really. *pauses, looks mildly embarassed* Or so I read, anyway. At least Bix won Star Baker. Which is something else I also read - I keep telling you, I don't watch the show!

Corv: Wait, Heert almost went home? *under his breath* But I'm enjoying being in charge of the office so much… *straightens up, smiles* I'm very glad he survived another week! Let's hope he gets to the final!

Kino Loy: *out of breath, still wearing armbands* Breast stroke is so hard, how do people do it…

Eedy Karn Goes Out In Round Two!

Whilst her Red Velvet cake came a decent fifth, the baker was undone at the showstopper challenge, where her fury at the judge's dislike of her spice-flavoured cake was only made worse by her ten-minute tirade at her son for picking his girlfriend's apartment and not hers for the subject of the brief. That, coupled with her misshapen Swiss rolls (all keenly observed by audience members @monyapolize and @andetc) meant that the tiny woman from Coruscant had to be escorted out of the tent by security.

Star Baker: Brasso

For the second time in a row (and with a remarkable 0% of the vote), the gentle giant of Ferrix takes it again! His showstopper featuring a detailed recreation of Rix Road and a near perfect Red Velvet cake sealed the deal for our formidable Ferrixian. Now onto…

Week Three: Dessert Week!

Contestants have to bake:

Signature challenge: 12 mini cheesecakes

Technical challenge: Tiramisu

Showstopper challenge: a cake portraying 'a piece of art', featuring a coloured jelly (jell-o) component

Notes: Please vote for who you think goes home. The voting period lasts 1 day until we get to the final 9. The contestant with the least amount of votes becomes Star Baker.

Judges' comments:

Paul Hollywood: In all my years judging this show, never in my life have I seen a contestant try to smack a security guard with a spatula.

Mon Mothma: *sighs* A mother's relationship with their child is always complicated…

Presenters' comments:

Lagret: Family shouldn't turn on each other. Her son forgot who birthed him. I think she was rather justified.

Noel Fielding: *looking at Lagret, deeply disturbed* Are we sure we can't get anyone else to co-host?

An Extra Slice show and podcast host's comments:

Perrin Fertha: I remember getting into trouble all the time with my mother when I was a young pup! Once I accidentally burnt down my family's outhouse! But I pretended I caught my twerp of a cousin doing it and mama was so proud of me that she bought me a pony…

Choice contestant feedback:

Wilmon Paak: *looking teary-eyed* If my father were here he'd have loved to take part… I bet we both would have baked a showstopper of the salyard and laughed about it after… *turns away* Sorry, can I have a minute?

Cassian Andor: I'm glad Brasso got Star Baker. He's the best of us, the best guy. Nah, I don't mind narrowly missing out at all.

Bix Caleen: *looks at Cassian fondly, whispers* He really should have won this week, don't you think?

Orson Krennic: *pointing at the producers* THIS SHOW IS RIGGED!

Eedy Karn: *whilst being restrained by three security guards* I'm calling Harlo about this! Aren't you going to stop them, Syril? SYRIL!

Syril Karn: *faceplants on the sofa in the green room*

Choice spectator feedback:

Dedra Meero: *sits next to the couch, patting Syril gently on the head*

Cinta Kaz: *giving Vel a shoulder massage as though she's about to enter a boxing ring* You've got this, you survived another week. You've got this…

Maarva Andor: Good god, that horrible woman. It just goes to show that being a mother has nothing to do with whether you popped the damn child out yourself.

Kleya: I told you, I'm not even watching it! *pauses, leans in* Though really, it's a classic example of mother-son friction. I'd say it was almost inevitable that there would be a bust up between them eventually. A nightmare in real life, but fantastic for a show… which I'm not watching.

Luthen: Thank the stars I'm not related to that woman, that's all I'll say. No, I don't know who this Harlo is.

Kino Loy: Yeah, the first swimming lesson went well, thanks. I almost passed out a few times, but hopefully I should be out of the armbands soon!

K2SO Goes Out In Round One!

After walking out of the technical challenge out of boredom and almost poisoning the judges with radium-laced rolls (both spotted by keen-eyed audience member @lighttailoring), the KX Droid is the first to exit the tent!

Star Baker: Brasso

With a stunning rustic bread loaf flavoured with a secret Ferrix herb blend, and a 24 roll showstopper that was so perfectly uniform that it brought judge Paul Hollywood to tears, the loveable Ferrix giant is the new man to beat. Now onto…

Week Two: Cake Week!

Contestants have to bake:

Signature challenge: 12 uniform mini Swiss rolls

Technical challenge: a Red Velvet cake

Showstopper challenge: a three-tiered cake that 'reminds them of home'

Notes: Please vote for who you think goes home. The voting period lasts 1 day until we get to the final 9. The contestant with the least amount of votes becomes Star Baker.

Judges' comments:

Paul Hollywood: I don't know who on earth let a droid compete. What a disaster.

Mon Mothma: Even this early on, I think it's clear which bakers don't measure up to the others. *stares at Krennic*

Presenters' comments:

Noel Fielding: *looking, confused, at Lagret* Is this guy really the only co-host the producers could get?

Lagret: When my papa said I'd be presenting a baking contest I thought he meant pottery. I don't really like food.

An Extra Slice show and podcast host's comments:

Perrin Fertha: Doesn't anyone think they're making too much fuss over the radium? Back when I was young, we'd try a bit of it with breakfast on the weekends, if you know what I mean…

Choice contestant feedback:

Eedy Karn: Rightly so! Droids shouldn't be allowed to enter competitions alongside living beings. You know, I was on the phone right away to my relative Harlo about it, I could not believe they let that thing in…

Vel Sartha: Let's just get through this, okay?

Orson Krennic: A close call? What do you mean a close call? I'm telling you, that female judge has it in for me, you mark my words…

Syril Karn: *stares at Cassian Andor*

Brasso: Star Baker! It's such an honour. I dedicate this to Ferrix. Stone and sky!

Choice spectator feedback:

Dedra Meero: Syril should have won Star Baker. I have no further comments.

Cinta Kaz: Vel should have won Star Baker. That's all I have to say.

Kaido: The droid played it all wrong. He should have put radium in some of the other contestants' bakes, cleared some of his competition rightaway. That Karn woman looks pretty frail, I bet one cake would have finished her off.

Kleya: Why are you even asking me? *walks away. then quickly walks back.* And since you asked, obviously the droid was going home from the moment he put the radium in. No, I haven't been watching the show on purpose, it simply came on by accident.

Kino Loy: Can you ask me in five minutes? I'm trying to book these swimming lessons. Yeah, thanks.

The Great British Andor Bake Off Comes To The Empire!

Over several rounds, twelve hardy contestants battle it out to be called Andor's best baker!

Week One: Bread Week!

Contestants have to bake:

Signature challenge: a flavoured bread loaf

Technical challenge: a round cob loaf

Showstopper challenge: 12 sweet and 12 savoury rolls.

Notes: Please vote for who you think goes home. Voting period lasts 1 day until we get to the final 9.

Judges: Paul Hollywood, Mon Mothma

Presenters: Noel Fielding, Lagret.

An Extra Slice show and podcast host: Perrin Fertha

Potential contestants who said 'absolutely fucking not' because they aren't insane but are cheering on their boo / family member: Dedra Meero, Cinta Kaz, Maarva Andor, Ruescott Melshi

Potential contestants that wanted to be there but no one wanted to ask them: Blevin, Mosk, Corv, Sculdun, Kaido, Grymish, Gorst

Potential contestants that wanted absolutely nothing to do with this nonsense: Luthen Rael, Kleya, Lonni, Leida, Enza Rylanz

Wild card that had to drop out because they insisted on only 12 contestants: Carro Rylanz