Fuck it

in 10th grade, i fell in love with this boy who already had a girlfriend. he kissed me and i kissed him back and it was magical and special and fucked up because i realized i’d helped him cheat on her. so we stopped talking after awhile when him not willing to tell his girlfriend about us kind of broke us. i just felt awful and it was weighing on me. 

so he was out of my life for about a year and then i began to really fucking miss him. because before we made out, we were best friends. i knew that i at least missed that part of him. but we were always such on and off friends because i’d feel so guilty at times.

this year i finally ratted him out to his ex-girlfriend that he was dating at the time (the girl he’s cheated on with me) because it was weighing down on me too much. she was upset with both of us (we were kind of friends through him) but she said she understood the situation i was in and that she didn’t resent me. she told her friend group about it and told me he’d actually cheated on someone else he was dating on more recently. 

his friend group finds out about this second cheating incident and they bail on him. and the guy hates me. i’m assuming it’s because i spilled the secret that made him so hated by his friends (he won’t talk to me). 

but god, i am selfish. i hate not being liked by everyone. there have been some other incidents this past year that have caused people not to like me in college and that’s already fucking worn me down so much. and like having his hate on top of that just makes everything so much worse. because him, i care about. because i could never hate him. so how the fuck can he so easily hate me for just trying to keep myself sane?? 

he’s made it so easy. he’s left me alone. he’s not shouting at me or blaming me (to my face at least). i can so easily move on with my life and pretend that he’s not a part of it. but he is. he hasn’t been an active part of my life in recent years but he’s still been an important part of my life. still is an important part of my life. 

i find myself so uselessly stalking him on whatever public platforms he has open. and i feel a horrible horrible sadness deep in my heart when i see that he is still living his life. that he can so fucking easily move on from all this and just resent me. i hate that my heart plummets when i see his name or his face or even think about him. i hate that when i get sad, i want to talk to him. 

i know i’ve probably idealized him in my head. but i don’t know what to call this feeling that i feel when i think about him. i know that it’s at least a friendship love but i can’t tell if it’s more and i hate that i don’t know. i hate that there’s even a question because i have the most perfect boyfriend. who does all the right things for me and deals with all my crazies. who gives me sweet gifts and notes and holds me so tightly that i fill up with love. i know this boy loves me. but i feel like i take that for granted a lot of the time. especially when i have looming thoughts about another boy. ironically, thoughts about another boy who fucking hates my guts.

i’ve told my boyfriend all this awhile ago. amazingly, he’s stayed. but he probably thinks it was a one-time thing when in fact, it’s been on going for months. i know i can talk to him about this and he won’t freak out but fuck he deserves better that a girl who can’t make up her mind on her feelings.