make all my moments your own

“Hm.. A good point, a good point.” Saige was grinning. It was nice to have a little girls night with Leah, even if there were people everywhere. She had missed her even if they had never said it to each other. “That does sound nice. Not to have a lot of ‘i don’t know what do you want?’ That’s just exhausting you know? But it keeps the seriousness away too which is also nice.” Saige just shrugged. “I wouldn’t blame them, it’s not like they’d be wrong.”

“Keep the seriousness away,” she repeated back with some intrigue. “Okay so do you not want something serious just because you want the fun or is there a reason for it?” After her breakup with Jack, her friendship with Saige had suffered from it that she missed the last couple years but it was nice just rekindling the friendship separately. “There is nothing about you that is too much. Why do you think that?”

“Yeah, a lot of that… a lot of far more destructive nights as well,” Braxton tiled his head side to side with a little chuckle. His life story had been thought out, no holes really except it was all a house of cards. The truth was that his teen years had just been the start of all of this. It was scary back then. He wasn’t as practiced, but that wasn’t the issue. The hardest part in the beginning was getting used to that feeling that at any moment it could all come crashing down. That in the blink of an eye he could have nothing, no one, nowhere to go. By now he was cocky enough to not believe that to even be a possibility. “A catered candy table, that’s your vice, huh? Bougie candy? Good to know. I would have gone with an ice cream set up myself,” he dismissed with a little shrug and a smirk. “I like the sound of us too,” he smiled, leaning in for another kiss. “I don’t know, never is much of a problem from my standpoint.”

“We need to go back to your hometown so that I can run in to these high school buddies and here a story about these destructive nights that I know you are censoring with me.” There was a lot that she didn’t know about Braxton’s past that most couples would probably know before living together. But what they had gone through together had created a bond so deep so quickly that she knew that she had all the time with him to learn things and that excited her. “Of course. Nothing but the best for my gals. And yeah did the ice cream thing too but it gets very messy.” Every kiss just made her eyes shine brighter with admiration. “You say that because you know when you can take advantage of it very easily.”

“Okay but what if I want fun and good then what do I do?” She thought about Nolan, Flynn, Christian, the many others that seemed to cross paths with her. “I think anyone older would look at me and know that I’m a lot and not want to bother.”

“Someone right on the cusp of 30?” She jokingly suggested. “They are still fun but they are a lot more decisive about what they want and that is the best part.” Though it was no secret that Leah had always been a relationship girl. “That is no not true. Anyone worth being with would never even think that.”

Jack had been the cause of a lot of hurt in his life. A lot of hurt to this girl in particular. He didn’t really think he had the power to hurt her anymore, and it pained him to learn that he did. It pained him to see him doing it all over again. He understood it though. He wasn’t sure anyone else would understand it given the time that had passed, but the way it seemed raw to her didn’t surprise him, it didn’t seem off to him. It felt like he should have expected it, but maybe he just wanted to believe that he didn’t mean as much as he thought he had to her, that as time passed he would just fade away and be just her high school boyfriend, a love that felt so big in the moment, but just a stepping stone when looking back. That wasn’t the case though, he knew that. He knew that’s never what they were. Their love wasn’t kid love, it wasn’t something small. It was forever. He had been so positive about that. And it had proven to not be true, but the odd part was looking at her it felt just as true as the day he ended things. “Leah,” he called after, his reaction a little delayed, but he didn’t hesitate to follow, waiting until they were in privacy to catch up and grab her hand, just enough to pull her to face him before he dropped it. “You don’t have to pretend it’s okay. You can– we can talk about it. You can yell at me, we can–” he sighed and shook his head. “It was a long time ago, so I’m sure you feel like you’re not supposed to have feelings about this. But I don’t feel that way. It doesn’t feel like a long time ago to me, it doesn’t feel like– like this shouldn’t be a conversation,” he shrugged.

Leah didn’t leave to prove that he would chase after her. She didn’t want to be anywhere near him. She couldn’t go to Braxton so the only thing that she could be was alone and that was what she wanted. To let herself wallow for a minute. She could pull herself together and come back but she had to have her moment to be heartbroken first. Tears burned her eyes and his touch came unexpectedly. She didn’t fight the pull. Leah was never one for dramatics so some big scene was hardly what she wanted. Everything he said spoke to how much he understood and she hated that. Hated that he knew everything she needed and felt with this. It somehow seemed unfair that he was in sync with her. “Thank you, Jack.” She laughed lightly, the hurt not only evident in her face but her voice. “Thank you so much for validating my feelings on this but it really doesn’t make this any better or easier. And believe me when I say this is not a conversation that you want. Because I have nothing good to say to you.”

“All the guys I have hanging around are like… mid 20s? So they try but they don’t actually succeed bless them.” Saige giggled. “You are a true friend, thank you so much.” 

“See? That is where you are going wrong. You need to open that circle. Guys are age are fun but if you actually want something good we are gonna have to get you past that. You’ll see how refreshing it is.”

You didn’t need to know Leah the way Jack did to tell that she wasn’t happy for him, that she was thrown off by learning this. But despite their time apart, Jack did know her. He knew her well, and he could feel the hurt coming off her. Not just that, but he understood it. He felt like he could read every thought running through her head, but the one thing he couldn’t do was find the right words to answer them, to make this better, to give her anything. “It wasn’t just shit to say– what I told you when we broke up. I meant it. I get it probably doesn’t seem that way now.” The more he was around her the more he sort of felt his own life caving in on him. Like it was just a matter of time before he was having the same conversation with Sammy. In the end, it would always be a barrier. Even if Sammy had always known him this way, that didn’t solve the fact that he didn’t feel like a good person, a full person, a person worth sharing a life with. He’d been trying to convince himself that could change, maybe, but looking Leah in the eyes it seemed obvious he was kidding himself.

She wanted to be better than this. To give him a smile and nod. Have him believe her that she wished him well. Not for him but for her so that she didn’t have to become this pitied thing standing there and as his explanation came out she knew that was exactly what she was. His words were meaningless to her. Just as much as they were back then. Maybe even more. Because then there was a part of her that believed him because she had seen the changes. Felt him become numb with her. But she had also believed that he would come back to her. That he just needed his time and that forever they planned so many nights wrapped up in one another would be right back on track. But he never came and she met Braxton. She had Braxton and maybe that should have been what outweighed everything but right now he wasn’t on her mind. “It’s fine,” she quickly answered. “Not like you were going to be alone forever so it’s um...  It was going to happen, so it’s good,” she repeated the fake sentiment, at a loss of what to say. “Will you excuse me?” She didn’t wait for an answer as she brushed past him, trying to find a place she could find some privacy.

“Do you think I never did dumb shit as a teenager, Kuipers?” He asked with a raised brow. “Tell me about these high school parties,” he pushed with a playful smile. Obviously he was more than fine with things revolving around her, but it was that mentality he wanted to breed. That he’d done so much for her that there was something owed. Not that he expected it, but that she wanted to give it to him. “I’d like the first thing we host to be about and for us… not for me and not even for you. But for us together,” he shrugged, kissing her back. “You also look very cute when you’re studying. So you see, I’ve got no complaints about this little life we’ve got here, baby.”

“No but yours was probably the typical stealing booze from your parents and making out in some empty room.” She of course had been to those too and were some of her favorite nights with Jack after a game. “But when I threw one for me and my girls, it was usually themed. My last sleepover I had a catered candy table,” Leah laughed feeling a bit foolish as it didn’t seem like that was her life all that long ago. Braxton was always so kind and reassuring. His maturity exactly what she needed. “For us. I really like the sound of that,” she beamed up at him. “See but you look really cute when I am studying too and sometimes it’s a problem.”

He nodded and took one more sip before slipping it back into his pocket. He didn’t really know how to feel being around her. How friendly he was supposed to be, how much he was supposed to ask about her and her life. What this all was supposed to be or even what he could handle it being with her. The guilt sunk in when he saw the surprise reach her face. The guilt stemmed from a million different things, but the most obvious was just that obvious thing. That he’d told her she was it. She was his one, but he wasn’t fit to have one, to have her. It wasn’t a lie, but it felt like one now. He felt a level of guilt toward Sammy too, because that belief wasn’t gone in him. His voice caught in his throat a bit but he pushed through. “Ugh, yeah.. yeah I do. Sorry, I thought someone would have told you– I– yeah,” he left it there, though it felt insufficient.

People broke up. Time passed and with that you moved on. The way she felt though when he confirmed it brought on an unexpected hurt that felt raw. It had been so long since their break up that him finding someone else should have been expected and good. But the why to their breakup was what made this news like a slap in the face. To sum everything up he used the it’s not you, it’s me. He told her that she was his forever and told her that he couldn’t be with her but it was because he couldn’t be with anyone. She barely could believe it at the time but he was now confirming the lie. “Uh, no. No one had. Haven’t really had the chance probably,” she offered, eyes dropping. Or they didn’t want to be the one to tell her. “That’s um, good for you.” She tried to make it sound like she meant it but wasn’t sure she pulled it off.

“I would actually really love to hear exactly what your description of a perfect party would be,” he spoke thoughtfully, curiously. Like it was just an excuse to learn more about her. His hand trailed up to let his fingers dance over her back gently. “We don’t need to rush into anything either. It’s all at your pace. I’m quite enjoying our little dinner dates in the meantime, love.”

“I wouldn’t know where to start. I haven’t even thrown a party since high school and trust me you would have rolled your eyes at what I used to do.” She was always worried that there might be something immature that would be a turnoff to him. “Yes but so much of the past year has been about me and I just want you to know that what you want in all this matters just as much. But I like those dinners to,” she pushed up on her toes to steal a kiss.

Jack wasn’t sure that she’d accept the alcohol, actually he was a little surprised she did, but he didn’t show that. “No problem, have as much as you like,” he offered though he took it back, taking another swig. “Trouble? Nah,” he shook his head. “My– uh– my girlfriend just had to take off, so honestly I might be out of here soon too,” he shrugged. He felt off mentioning Sammy to her. Enough time had passed that moving on shouldn’t have been an issue, except when he ended things with Leah he’d been pretty positive there would be no moving on. That he wasn’t built to be with anyone. That if it would have, could have been anyone, it would have been Leah.

“I think I’m good for now.” She didn’t like the straight up liquor as much but truthfully she didn’t want to stand there being chummy with him sharing a drink. She could share small conversation with him. Do the run ins but making a friend out of Jack was the last thing that she wanted. Leah had asked the question to be polite but as soon as he said girlfriend she felt her chest tighten. “Girlfriend,” she couldn’t hide the surprise. “You have a girlfriend?”

“That fact alone confirms that you have become a snob.” Saige sipped on her own drink for a second, contemplating. “You know maybe I should date someone older purely for the liquor quality. It seems like a good gig.” 

“I won’t apologize for having taste,” she laughed. “I would highly recommend it. So much better, but in the meantime you are welcome to my selection.”

Braxton liked the idea. He welcomed things like that, occasions to show off his wealth or the picture of it anyways. He liked to be gaudy, he liked to be known for things like that, for hosting the best parties, having his finger on the social pulse. “How small is small?” He asked a bit teasingly, head tilting in question. “I like the idea of hosting something together. I wasn’t sure how ready you’d be for all of that, but if you think you are then I’d love to once the place is ready.”

“That question alone makes me think that even you and I have a very different views on the perfect party,” she eyed him suspiciously before laughing. Truthfully she would go with whatever he wanted. It was the least that she could do when he had moved his whole world for her. “Sometimes you just have to jump into things. You have been so amazing and patient through it all but we need more than dinner out between work and school.”

“Oh yeah, now she only tries to drink only the most refined liquor like.. bottom shelf. But at least it isn’t served in a punch bowl but you know what’s in it.” 

“Between my dad’s assorted collection and Braxton’s taste I think maybe I have just become a snob. Haven’t had canned beer since freshman year.”

“Oh there can be,” he nodded, lips easily finding her temple. Affection that felt comfortable, natural was just one way he made all of this flow easier, quicker. “But if you want perfection, you’ve got to do it yourself.”

“Maybe we can,” her eyes lit up when he gave her the idea, her hand pressing into his side. “When we finish up getting the house redecorated we could throw a small party. Our first night of hosting as a couple.”

“I haven’t tried it,” Jack shrugged, grabbing the cup from her, just taking a whiff of it before handing it back with a grimace, a chuckle escaping him. “More of a bourbon guy now, so some things change,” he slipped his flask out and offered it up to her.

“Yeah, I guess they do.” She took the flask. A lot had. Her whole life really. A few years ago she would have guessed that she was here with Jack, not just running into him feeling off every time she was near him. “Thanks,” she took a sip, fighting back a cough before handing it back. “So getting into any trouble tonight?”

“Oh I’m sure there were just not as easy or as cheap. You wouldn’t catch me doing this now under normal circumstances.” 

“No? Does party Saige have more refined taste now?”

“That punch was only bad because it was about 90% cheap vodka.”

“And this is not what this is?” She asked with a laugh. “I guess some things don’t change.”