I am A Mormon

My kids. 

#1 Lasted 11 weeks. I had a D&C to have my baby with no heart beat removed.

#2  This was a missed miscarriage. I did not have the chance to even realize I pregnant

#3  Lasted 7.3 weeks. I was mistreated by doctors and nurses that told me “Everything is normal, everything is fine” while I was on the ground in pain begging for help.

#4 Lasted 5.5 weeks. I was scared. Hormone levels were decreasing rapidly and I miscarried at home.

#5 Lasted 4 weeks. I am drained at this point. 

All these pregnancies happened with in a year and a half. With the 4th pregnancy I was sent to a Fertility Specialist for further testing and observation.  I have had nightmares and traumatic memories of these moments. Every woman miscarries differently. For me, I am in pain for days. I have a pain on my lower right pelvic area. Ultrasounds and X-rays confirm that there is nothing there. But the pains get worse and worse until I finally miscarry. I’ve felt contractions. I have had to pick up the remains of my miscarried child and send it out for testing.

Its been a year since I have been pregnant. I cry every month with disappointment and sometimes relief. The “You will understand when you have kids” comment makes me want to crawl in a corner and cry. This is a private struggle I go through with my loving husband. He holds me as I cry over the negative test. I could not have asked for a better man. 

I owe my husband so much for helping get back up again. He’s wiped my tears off my cheeks full of broken blood vessels. Held my pale shaking hands and helped me walk when I could not go to the bathroom myself. I love him beyond words because of these experiences.

We recently took a trip to Utah, where temples are everywhere. My husband knows how much I adore the Provo city centre temple. I simply love the story behind the temple and the statue. So we took photos around the temple and I have never ever felt so much peace, strength and comfort. A few days later I had a dream I was holding a pregnancy test and it was positive. I cried of happiness and joy. I woke up with a smile on my face and that I needed to fight to be strong and patient. That I need to be a better Primary President to my children at church and remember to love them as if they were my own. 

I testify that families can be together FOREVER. That it is okay to be scared and mourn at times. But do not ever forget to smile and remember that the gospel is true, That we will be reunited with the loved ones we have lost. That PATIENCE is a daily effort. To the parents who have experience a loss, know that you are not fighting this alone. Do not give up. 

At the moment of despair we might question God and ask “Did I do something wrong?” “Why me?” “Where is god?”

2 months after I got married I got pregnant! Exciting right? Even with morning sickness and constant bathroom trips I was so happy to have a little baby inside me. At 5 weeks I got to hear its strong heart beat. My husband and I were the happiest people on earth.

Everything was going great. We planned to announce our pregnancy after our 3 month ultrasound appointment. We came to Radiology super excited to see our baby again. But that happiness turned into Sadness as the radiologist explained that our baby did not have a heart beat. He showed us its little hands and feet that formed. He looked and looked for a heartbeat and no luck.

A week later my body was in so much pain. My water broke and I couldn’t miscarry on my own, I was rushed to the hospital. After many hours of emotional and physical pain I had an emergency D&C (Dialation and Curettage) surgery.

The first thing they tell you when you are diagnosed with a missed miscarriage or miscarriage is that it wasn’t your fault. That it wasn’t my time. I don’t need to worry about future pregnancies. But no matter what they tell you nothing will replace the baby you lost. No words will convince you that you may have had something to do with the loss. I replayed every single day in my head. Thinking maybe I ate something bad. Maybe I didn’t sleep well or that I maybe didn’t take care of myself as well as I should have

After a few weeks we named the baby Jaime. Giving it a name made me feel a little better. My husband did everything he could to cheer me up. But I found myself crying in a corner every time. Why me? My life seemed so dark.

Time passed and we kept trying for another baby but no luck. I found myself desperate and buying pregnancy after pregnancy test. All negative. Why me? This isn’t fair. I am doing everything I am supposed to do God so why?

I ended up being in a situation where I had to stay in Utah to finish my last 3 classes and my internship. My husband had to go to Maryland and start his new job. We were apart for two and a half months. I worked a night job cleaning, started my internship for Utah’s health department and I was getting through my last few classes. I stopped thinking about having a baby. I stopped obsessing over getting pregnant. All I could think about was being in my husbands arms again.

Finally I flew to Florida to meet my husband there to celebrate our 1 year wedding anniversary. I was so happy! We had a blast at Disney world. We flew back to Maryland after that fun vacation to start our life there. A few weeks later, BAM! Pregnant again. We both couldn’t stop holding each other. Tearing up with joy.

At 5 weeks I was diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage. I was on bed rest and having weekly ultrasounds. I stopped worrying once I saw that the baby was growing stronger each week. But for two weeks I was in so much pain. I even got to the point that I couldn’t even walk very much. I didn’t worry over a miscarriage too much, I was having strong faith. The next week as I got my ultrasound we found that at almost 2 months of pregnancy I lost the baby.

We named the baby Mickey. God why me? Why can’t I have a baby in my arms? Why can other girls have a baby so easily? I got bitter and jealous. I was heartbroken and though I have strong faith sadness overcame my emotions.

But This time was different.

I was sad for only a little bit. I went to the temple I was married/Sealed in and I could feel my two little angels around me. I don’t have a baby in my arms but I do have two angels telling their mommy to not give up. Visiting my dreams and surrounding me with love.

I pray and ask God to let them know that I love them. And I thank him for the privilege to have had two angels and getting the opportunity to have listened to those beautiful heartbeats.

I stopped questioning gods plans and started thanking him for giving me those trials that changed my attitude. It made me love my husband and family a million times more.

Mickey and Jaime changed my life. I want to live this life to be as faithful as I can so that I can see them again and give them lots of hugs and kisses.

Thank you God. For helping me find the light in the darkest of places.

Andrea Beatriz Helton. That is the name my two loving parents gave me on the morning of July 28, 1993. 

Andrea: I was a happy, god-loving, kind little girl. On July 28th 2001 (8yrs old) I was baptized into the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints. I felt like an angel in my pretty white dress. I remember someone saying “Andrea you are the cleanest person in the room today” when you get baptized all your sins are wiped clean and I remember wanting to feel Like that forever. I prayed every night and promised god I would always choose to be good. 

Drea: A few years later I went by the name “Drea” I started to get rebellious and fall away. Little by little Satan tempted me. I became the exact person I didn’t want to be. People who I thought were my friends turned their backs on me. I was starting feel my spirit dying.

Dre: January 2011 I decided to go to college and study to be a medical assistant and also get my associates. I studied in Utah ( I’m originally from Maryland) and I dated a guy who was a member of the church, I had friends and had a blast. I went by the name “dre” to have a fresh new start. Time went by and I started to make mistakes again. I was dumped, I lost friends and even lost myself. 

Now at this point my name kept getting shorter and shorter. I felt like I was running out of chances to live the life I really wanted. I considered to go study in Spain and run away from my depression. 

During this lonely time in Utah where I was single, friendless and isolated. I decided to step back. My prayers became more personal. My spirit was getting stronger and stronger. I went back to school in Utah, got a job, joined a Gym and started to get myself together.

June 2013: Irving Leon, who was someone I knew the whole time I’ve been in Utah asked me out on a date. He knew who I was and knew me during my bad times. He was so handsome and totally out of my league. But I decided to go on the date anyways, and that was the day I knew I met my husband. We had the most spiritual experience together on that date. We shared our testimonies, read scriptures and I even cried from how sweet the spirit surrounding us was.

Andrea: I feel like Andrea again, the Atonement changed my life. It took a few tries, It took some bad days to get to the good but I was that little 8yr old girl again. I felt like an angel the day I was Sealed in the  Washington D.C temple (Dec. 21, 2013) to my husband for time and all eternity. The spirit was so strong. My husband didn’t marry Drea or Dre, He married Andrea Beatriz Helton and chose me to be his Eternal companion. Only through a true repentance and faith in the Atonement could make such a change.

I am extremely grateful to be married to someone who looked at me for who I am and not for who I was. He brought out the innocent happy girl I used to be. He shows me the same love Christ has shown me. 

Not everyone will love you, but showing others love brings so much more peace into your life. Don’t judge those who have fallen. Don’t turn your back on those struggling to come back to god. For God gave us the commandment to Love one Another as he loves us. 

Don’t give up! bad days only lead to better days. Blessings take time and work. Keep praying, keep living the gospel and know that you are loved by our Father in Heaven.

What a sensitive topic right ? Gays and Religion. 

My name is Andrea Leon and I am a Mormon and I am not against the choice to live a gay life style but I am also not supportive either.

How does this make sense ? well I have friends who choose to live a life style that includes drinking, smoking or gay life styles. No I don't agree with their life styles but I love them with all my heart.

One thing that Jesus has taught me personally is to Love One Another. We will never agree, we will always have different opinions and beliefs but that doesn't mean I can't love them and be there for them. Society tends to bully religions into changing their beliefs to benefit other life styles. Society makes religions look like they hate gays, but I would be contradicting my beliefs if I were to hate someone when I am commanded to love one another.

Twice a years Mormons have a General Conference where we hear the words from our prophet, apostles and General Authorities of the church. People who are against our religion like to protest for many things they don't agree with during this time.'

Religions are not a government.You don't protest to change what we should believe. If you disagree ask of god or just simply find another belief. No one is forcing you to believe what we believe. 

I had a guy scream at my face saying " when will gays marry in the temple!?!?!?!?" I just kept walking and did not respond. I bet your asking why I didn't argue...and I can only think of the example of Jesus Christ. People did not agree with him, they spat at his face, said awful things and then killed him. He did this all to die for our sins because of how much he loved us. He is the true example of loving one another. 

I am strong with my beliefs and I write this post to ask for peace and respect. I don't like it when people protest against my beliefs, so I refuse to ever say one bad thing about this topic and so should other religious and non- religious beliefs. 

So here's a request from a 21 yr old Mormon girl

Love one another. I love you, and God loves you. Let's stand strong as brothers and sisters and be there for each other.