Hello my Loves
It has really been so long…
I made a promise to myself and also to him that if we broke up again it would be the last. I took my younger brother to visit before our camping trip at Olympic National Park. It was a 13 hour drive.
Seeing him was heaven, as it always is…everything felt right. I got to lay with him in my arms. We had been fighting for months… and I didn’t feel reassured about anything. He was clubbing, the girls around him, he never took the initiative to Skype with me, call me, or text me.
It was endless… but being with him, I was happy.
Till I went through his phone and saw that he had been skyping and texting and snap chatting other girls, and most certainly not in a friend way. He was constantly flirting with his best friend’s wife, and his ex girlfriends.
And I just had enough. I called him out on it…and he made no excuse. He just accepted it… even when I asked if he wanted to work things out, he told me he needed space, that he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship.
I got cheated on and he dumped me.
He was supposed to go camping with my brother and I. Instead, my brother and I went alone, I was miserable because I had been dumped, and angry that he affected me enough that I felt it was ruining my brother’s trip.
That was it. So much shit. So much crying. So much pain.
In the end, after two months of cutting him off completely (deleting all of his friends and him out of my life), I have come to despise him as a boyfriend. I don’t trust anything in my memories because of how we ended. I am moving on. I am never going back to him.
It hurt, like a fucking chainsaw in my chest, but I’m alive… I drowned myself in school and clubs at college…and he recently texted me again. As my childhood friend, we talk…we are like acquaintances now.
But, to be honest, I feel bad for him. He has lost out on the one person who knew him, would forgive him for anything, would have done anything for him, would have been there for him through anything, and he betrayed all of that. And he let me go.
I wish him all the best.
But I deserve so so so much better than that.
This was such a long time ago for me, but I remember this vividly.
This breakup truly did break me. This relationship was toxic - and I say this with mutual responsibility. We were toxic for each other. It warped me. I did not go into this relationship possessive, with trust issues, and with such insane mood swings that depended on whether he texted me, called me, Skyped me, or not. I have a wonderful family that loves me and has given me an example of love to look up to - and I STILL ended up in that situation.
I am lucky that he gave up on us. I was in so deep, nothing short of it would have ended the relationship. I was so devoted, so stubborn, so ‘in love’ that I would’ve forgiven him almost anything. I gave so much of myself I couldn’t even remember who I was after. He was embedded in so much of who I was, it took awhile to reclaim myself.
It wasn’t easy. I’m not ashamed of that now. It took me years. I still have residual issues from that relationship. However, I don’t want to forget it. I still look back on it, to remember, and to be thankful for my wonderful, truly wonderful, boyfriend now.
My message, I guess, is that I hope you don’t settle. I hope you put yourself first. I hope you communicate, and expect respect, and give respect. I hope you are loyal, and true to yourself and your partner. I hope that you do whatever you need to do to be happy - TRULY happy, even if you don’t know what that feels like, you know what it’s like NOT to be happy, and you shouldn’t accept that. Every relationship has its ups and downs, but don’t ever EVER compromise your values and standards. People that are worth it will respect them, and love you all the more for it.
From toxic to trusting. I made it.
Wishing you all love, happiness, and health in the coming year. <3
