I don't know what I'm doing tbh

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Part 12.5 / Part 13 / Part 14 / Part 15 / Part 16 / Part 17 / Part 17.5 / Part 18 / Part 19 / Part 20 / Part 21 / Part 22 / Part 23 / Part 24 / Part 25 / Part 26 / Part 27 / Part 28 / Part 29 / Part 30 Part 31 / Part 32 / Part 33 / Part 34 / Part 35 / Part 36 / Part 37 / Part 38 / Part 39 / Part 40 / Part 41 / Part 42 / Part 43 / Part 44 / Part 45 / Part 46 / Part 47 / Part 48 / Part 49 / Part 50

Having said that, I think it's funny how some people are really thinking that man would be 100% of the time no exceptions In Charge™. I don't agree, he wouldn't settle for that with Shane Hollander. He knows what he would miss out on.

In the Tuna Melt Fiasco, I believe he did plan to ask Shane to stay and feed him, but I think he didn't think much farther than "I get to take my time and have multiple rounds of the best sex if I convince him to stay with me the whole day", he obviously felt much more than that, but the plan wasn't an emotionally significant hangout.

The thing is, the lights were on... and the sun was coming from the windows... and Shane rode him into oblivion.

And then in round two he was in his lap, looking down at him intensely and controlling the pace and "you gonna come for me, Rozanov?"

...and then shortly after he blurts out the fucking first name! Coincidence? I THINK NOT

He had a religious experience, imploded his situationship and came in his rick owens, because he got Topped From The Bottom.

Like it’s an out of the way hole in the wall smear on the map but that’s why Shane picks it out in the first place, it’s quiet, next to the water, and open early as he’s on his way to the rink also the guy at the counter is HOT

The first time Shane comes in Ilya doesn’t even look up and just points him toward the back and says something in Russian, which really confuses Shane so he clears his throat and asks if this is where he’s supposed to order. Ilya kinda freezes then looks up and freezes again for an entirely different reason hot and has to scramble into some version of a service worker who’s desperately hoping this really fucking Hot man didn’t understand Ilya telling him to take the drugs to the back

Shane looks over the faded sparse menu hanging above and asks what’s good and Ilya blue screens for a second because he knows they don’t have half the ingredients listed up there, never mind the fact Ilya’s never actually made a sandwich here for anyone. So he goes with the simplest sandwich they have and puts all this charisma into hyping the hell out of This Sandwich because he literally can’t make anything else please just get the stupid sandwich please

And surprisingly Shane actually agrees, smiling at Ilya like he already trusts his judgment wholeheartedly, and when he asks if the have any ginger ale Ilya feels like even more of a piece of shit when he has to say they’re “fresh out” liar liar liar. The sandwich sucks, Ilya knows this as he’s putting fucking kraft mayo on cakey white bread and he’d kinda rather die than give the cute guy something so atrocious but he’s really out of options, silently cursing the abysmally low effort put into this front.

But Shane smiles anyways as Ilya hands it over and thanks him like he actually appreciates what Ilya did. Ilya nods and starts to walk away when he’s stopped by Shane telling him he still needs to pay him, holding his card out and Ilya kinda wants to scream because they don’t even have a god damn card reader so he switches back to maximum charm and tells Shane pretty boys get sandwiches for free which luckily stunlocks Shane long enough for Ilya to book it out of there and when he comes back to the front later the “store” is empty.

Ilya is, at the very least, proud of himself for getting out of that situation but also feels guilty as hell and hopes Shane doesn’t end up with food poisoning. He also decides they really do need to actually invest in the front and gets some better ingredients because that was wildly embarrassing and could definitely blow their cover if the wrong people show up. He also stocks ginger ale, just, because.

And surprisingly his efforts pay off because a few days later Shane is back. Not for a sandwich, because, let’s be real that one went in the trash after a single bite, but cause he feels wrong not having paid. Ilya, eager to redeem himself, tells him he can only charge him if he buys another sandwich, company policy of course. So in an effort to get the gross “stealing thief” feelings off him Shane relents and Ilya puts extra care into making something actually good. Shane is surprised it actually look appetizing and Ilya off handedly mentioned last time being a bad day, supply chain issues, yadda yadda, and he’s rewarded with that same genuine smile from before that makes his heart jump. As he’s ringing up the order he slides Shane a ginger ale and winks when he tells Shane he’ll see him next time.

Jason finds out Tim was turned into Joker Junior and was, in essence, Joker's adopted son for a while, and his first instinctual thought is 'alright well that kid has to be mine now.'

like, i don't think a lot of us take into account regarding the Joker that Jason isn't always just... terrified of everything Joker-centric. he straight up stole the Red Hood mantle from the guy. he loves jokerized seasoning on his fries. when he first came back to Gotham to kill the Joker he just kinda nabbed him and threw him in a closet all tied up for a while so he could go antagonise Bruce. like, Jason doesn't give a fuck. it's not always fear that fuels his rage against the Joker, it's fuckin' spite.

with that in mind, i think it would be funnier if Jason found out that Joker tried to make Tim into his son and instantly responded with 'ok well fuck the Joker, Tim is now MY son.' and Bruce just has to watch forlorn from the batcomputer as his kid is stolen by his other kid like. at least they aren't fighting this time?

i think Tim was supremely worried about Jason's reaction to Joker Junior stuff, too. like. he fully thought he'd spark a panic attack or get himself killed once Jason found out. instead he accidentally lets out a Joker-laugh one time and Jason's just like fuck yeah kid let it out.

Guards! Put the blond man in spandex in situations!

And Carl's jaw just drops and is suddenly very aware of the gun in his own pocket and starts glancing around like a nervous jumpy cat like Six is gonna jump out of the walls at him at any moment because if Six finds out what his brother is involved with and...what that might mean if things go wrong...holy shit!

And that's exactly what happens, Grace gets sent to space against his will and there's a damn firing match through the halls Carl trying to protect Stratt and get her to safety as Grace's big brother comes charging through the complex and bursts into Stratts office, and Carl is in front of her pointing his gun at a bloody and very pissed off Courtland who is pointing his own gun right back at him and breathing heavily,

"Where the fuck is Ryland??!!"

importantly, shane tells NO ONE. the only thing he says is a text to ilya the day of the competition telling him to "Turn on channel 9 tonight at 7:30pm," no further explanation.

Ilya, as team captain, is the first victim (and he does feel victimized) when a video of his greatest plays as a Centaur is set to Rosanna by Toto. The rest of the team is absolutely delighted by his outrage at being set to a jazz rock anthem from 1982 (the soviet union hadn't even fallen yet! that is a decade before I was born and Luca thinks I'm the oldest person ever!!)

The teasing abates slightly when Wyatt is next, with his video turning Hey Ya by Outkast into Hayes Ya. Wyatt is deeply pleased by this (Ilya still grumbles because of course Hazey likes Outkast, what else would he listen to).

The teasing is back in full force when, the next week, Zane is struck with Beautiful Boy by the John Lennon, bastardized into Bood-iful Boy. Cassie Boodrum is reportedly charmed by this, but every time Zane makes a pass in practice, all the other players yell BOODIFUL!! and he is threatening to kill people by the end of morning skate.

Luca is the next to fall, with Our House by Madness becoming Our Haas. As always, Luca is teased for this, but with lots of love because the edit is cute, Luca loves the song, and the centaurs will be damned if that isn't their Haas.

Evan Dykstra is next on the chopping block and is the first occasion where the team's teasing is turned towards Harris, not the player, when Jason Aldean's Big Green Tractor is clumsily turned into Big Green Dykstra. Harris insists that no one will be reading into the sexual innuendo of the original song, but the edit is ultimately taken down after an hour when the comments are overwhelmingly horny. Evan is the only one happy about this situation and #tractorgate starts trending on twitter, much to Harris's chagrin.

Harris's assessment about sexual innuendo proves more true with his own partner when a very (suspiciously) well crafted edit to Barbie Girl by Aqua is released as Barrett Girl. Troy gets a little bit of shit for this (you do look like a fuckin barbie doll, dude! you have such a tight waist! followed by four heads whipping around that is the gayest shit to ever come out of someone's mouth and I've spit instead of swallowing). Ilya spends weeks exclusively referring to Harris as a Barrett Girl only to be met with it's gonna be Mr. and Mr. Drover eventually.

Shane's edit has been highly anticipated, especially by Ilya who is dying to have something good to tease him over. They all realize why it has been such a long wait when his comes out the day of a game against Montreal. Gwen Stefani's Hollaback Girl, with Hollander mostly gracefully used as Hollaback, show Shane looking cool as fuck to "I heard that you were talking shit and you didn't think that I would hear it" along with a well synced shots on goal compilation to this shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Ilya, while quietly pleased about any middle finger to Montreal, is livid that Shane gets to have such a cool edit to a good song that makes it look like he plays hockey at the professional level and not in the beer league. This also works wonders for morale before the game and little teasing to be seen.

The internet is divided: Is the black eye a sex injury or is Ilya an abuser?

The locker room is full of guys making sex jokes at them, to Ilya’s great amusement and Shane’s annoyance. Shane keeps hoping people will stop talking about it, but when the black eye only looks worse at the next game, it’s unavoidable. The media keeps asking cheekily about it and there are think pieces being written online about how Ilya is an abuser and here are all the signs of how he has been abusing Shane for years.

Shane gets his hands on the latter and is angrier at that than he is prideful. So, he drops the video.

The video is from a surveillance camera of the Rozanov-Hollander house’s backyard. Shane is crouched down playing tug of war with their dog Anya. He and Anya are both refusing to let go of rope. Suddenly, Anya drops it and Shane’s hands fling back toward his face and he smacks himself in the face with hands still around the toy. He drops to his back and cups his hands over his eyes.

Ilya runs into view, kneeling next to Shane and is seen as asking him what’s wrong. When Shane explains, Ilya falls over laughing on the grass and Shane throws the dog toy at his head. Ilya gets up and crouches down over Shane and gives him a kiss on the cheek right below his eye. The video ends as he’s leaning down while speaking to give him a kiss on his lips.

Shane comes out of the closet sometime after Scott does, and in some random, lighthearted interview, they ask him what he's looking for in a man. And Shane's just, off-hand like, "Well, he'd have to have at least one Stanley Cup. Obviously." And when he gets a good reaction from that, he keeps going, like "Needs to be amazing at hockey. Definitely needs to be at least an All-Star, if not a captain. Hot too. If he can't bench-press me, I'm not interested."

Scott does the same. he's in a committed relationship, so he's not a contender, he's more like the bar you have to clear. You gotta be at least Scott Hunter or better to date the 'rookie'

also the actual all-star event gets so fucking hijacked, the homophobes are big mad. after every contest the players look at Shane expectantly, hoping for a smile or some kind of gesture of goodwill or favor. it's like an actual medieval tourney, or some kind of romance game show.

Shane is hockey's golden boy, their gold standard. he's the hottest man alive and he has three Stanley cups. most straight men would suck his dick if given half a chance.

It all eventually ends when Shane makes his decision by kissing the top of Ilya's hockey stick before passing it to him. it's the happiest moment of Ilya's life. JJ is big mad.

Ilya and Shane fuck nasty after that.

but fails to consider that ice is. so slippery.

Read the post and loved it exactly for the potential of what's in the tags: uh oh now David made it funnnn and Shane, quick little bean that he is, riiiight as he's getting to the edge of the rink, about to be picked up and passed to mom, gets up and skates away to the middle of the rink and PLOMP lays down on his back, giggling and kicking his little skates. "Again, Dad (Shane does not call David daddy in front of his friends, he's not a baby!), again!!"