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which building

it turns to gold

twice a day

your luxury penthouse ablaze

your modest condo adorned

i don’t want to fix my life

i just want to give unto divinity in your arms

and magically cure any and all ailments

they would’ve missed me

is a thrift store

praying for something to match your vision

and boom god answers, or doesn’t

sometimes god bring something so incredible out

you wouldn’t even have known how to ask for it

that individual item you were searching for

god offers you many chances to meet him though

no gifts from the thrift gods needed

god leaves items strewn about

hangers unused

and you can offer your sacrifice

of picking up after others

and that’s when his really blesses you

he stocked out a hangers in a crowded rack

i know it’s a lost cause

but i just want to support local

and everything i like is so conglomerate and congealed mess of corporatism

i wish i knew how to express myself

without needing the safety blanket of acceptance

where is my mind says the pixies

where has my heart gone

i gave it to that man

he didn’t even ask for it

but he holds it

found jesus just to feel something besides anguish when it comes to him

i mean really?

what am i manifesting

for him to fall in love with me too?

i guess i am

my father only expreses his anxiety and hate

my mother only expresses her love and care

i don’t know how to be human anymore

i thought i had found myself

my messy young self assured self

now im forced to go back and relearn like a child

i guess it’s fine

just hell of a lot more anxiety

and i can’t be mad at anyone for not expressing themselves verbally

great

my dad expresses himself by doing

my mother by doing and saying

so where does that leave me

i don’t like conversing with my dad

he doesn’t really get the gist of asking questions

my mother sometimes does

love is kind

and even from behind one can’t hide

you never know what you may find

when you let love prosper

in your mind

we shan’t be blind

nor can we bind

a patient love

that in our mind

love is patient

love is kind

now i am not blind

to where to find

a love so patient

and a love so kind

can’t be belated

can be so fond

i fell in love

no i don’t disagree

but now i live

so happily

bless this table

bless this bread

god sent his son

not me instead

thank you jesus

i bow my head

i close my eyes

my kids stay open

what’s so wrong with control anyways

cause it will dissolve? whatever

the consensus seems to be i can’t have you

i don’t want you in the right way

everyone i talk to

i leave wishing it was you

i find you in the quiet moments

i barely know you

don’t say i love you unless you mean it

where is it that you meet all these girls? instagram, he likes beauty

what do you think of my precision and assumptions besides naivety contrast is overwhelming matched with interest

how does my microscope feel

what do you assume about me

what do you actually want to ask me

i can’t tell you that i love you because you will reject me because you have a ready found a disco ball in your city of home

i love you but im not throwing away my life here for you. i would give you anything with your respect, but i believe in a future despite being proven wrong every goddamn day. i’ll move to berlin but im coming back here to fix things with engineering. and if not then ill stay there, or maybe ill never come back here i dont know. i just dont want to be a poser in your city….

i need sleep now but why must you humiliate me this way again after i feel as though i went far enough the first time. you’re not forgetting, lukas gerome whatever. i feel myriad of spectral emotions and desires for/with/by you and that is fine but it’s one sided at this point for me which is the point i’m sure so i can learn and you do it kindly but the sensation, the gentle sensation that tickles me awake, es exactly what makes me jump the most. and i love you but i cannot give up what ive worked for here yet to go learn from you there (yet) although it would make me a better person and smarter. i dont want you to resent me cause i dont resent you, i do the opposite.

what you dont understand is that abandonment in the face of distress (cry it out as a kid syndrome, is necessary but also creates the pain tolerance of the child) aka how well they compartmentalize or feel their emotions, this continues until the brain is developed fully. what you dont understand is that understanding and continued support and most of all presence is what heals that and what you provide. what you dont understand is that your patience is vital to me but abandonment is as inevitable as death: what you dont understand is that because i wasn’t able to scream during sexual trauma as a kid (or maybe you do understand)

i’m feeling incredibly exposed and raw and pathetic as i tell you i love you in serendipitous nature and would move around many things in my life to make you feel whole. or whatever. like forever. and then again. i must maintain control though in some type of aspect. i will not judge you if you will not judge me but judgement is but a gut feeling telling you to leave

god loves me, people love me, why don’t you? i love others in ways which i move mountains and i understand that is pressure but i feel that pressure too and im raw with honesty. the more you pull back the more i share, and that scares me because you will one day pull back forever and if not now then its death. for me. cause i dont forgive betrayal without adjusting expectations, or try not to. cause if i give myself away again and feel that way again, you’ll think im stupid. i don’t think i want to fuck my family i just think i want to fuck their strength, which is the reason i keep going and trying the same bit with new people; and now i can’t sleep. if i am not educated, or smart, or quick, or whatever else enough for you i will learn. but i must not compromise myself. and let me be the first to tell you i tried this on you first, and im sorry. your love makes me want to die of purity…or is that just control over the inevitability of death? i’m in regrowth and psychosis cause of you sweet man. your attention to detail and care has always been enough.

my immovability is designed with the purpose to keep out those not willing to put in emotion sacrifice for me. i do the same for you at my expense so it’s only fair. i believe in justice despite the truth of corruption and deception. i believe in never abandoning even the most retarded, spiteful, and harshest; although once test are done, i’d rather shut up than fail again. you don’t fail me but i’ve failed myself in giving away too much, once fucking again. starting over is hard for everyone, and it kills me harder every time, though what else is there to do.

i hate being ignored, i hate being hated. i hate being stupid. i hate being naive. i hate being vulnerable while others shoot me.

i picture guns, i picture being raped of my independence, since who doesn’t want absolution, it’s holy. though we live in modern times, and both are possible: complete independence and total absolution. but abandonment is not an option for me if continued exposure is to be maintained. abandonment sure a week, but i want a sobbing puppy lapping up my tears in your absence, sorry, life is short and i’ve always known, and my grave is already set and purchased. just waiting for the day.

in terms of others i aim to never forget the weakest version of myself was so selfish or abandon the most pathetic dehumanized version.

i want your devolution to me first and foremost

i would not trust it anyways though

so i’ll take your effort daily

mostly i want access to your art

whatever that means

i want to know what it feels like to be in your inner circle

i want to ask you questions i’m too embarrassed to ask anyone

dear L.E.L. ,

you see, i’m scared of embarrassing myself by confessing how much i like you. i know it’s not love when im of sober thought, that requires time, sacrifice, commitment, and direct communication. i can offer you all of that except direct communication; remember when i lost my mind? if i confess to you how much i like you, it gives you the opportunity to tell me how much you don’t reciprocate it. you get to look me in my naive little girl face and crush my hopes and dreams. do you want to? it doesn’t really matter. cause i just assume you will… cause what am i Thinking! we live in opposite sides of the west. you like in east berlin, i live dead in the middle of the south. you could do better i tell myself..there’s no one ive connected this well with in my life i continue. that part makes me cry instantaneously. is this fate or are we just people. is this fate or do i just need to get out of my house more? if i moved to berlin could i fall in love with anyone there. i love your open mindedness and patience though. is that a shared trait amongst everything there.

i guess i’m worried that all that we like about eachother can be found easier in someone else, someone closer. i crave the drama though i do. like if we’re able to find eachother and connect in person, which we will cause im me, then we can face anything in the entire world together. we can change the world through love. or jus change eachother. i want to write you love letters lukas. i want to feel you in the dark. i feel things ive never felt before, for you. is it just my naivety?

i don’t recognize your face like how i once did

you are so purely define and beautiful

i want your brutal opinion on my art

even though i barely know your taste

i don’t want to have to trust myself

that’s scaryyy

i rather outsource it to you.

ten me i’m pet

tell me i’m beautiful

tell me i’m perfect

tell me i’m the most beautiful girl in the whole wide goddamn world

just tell me

if you’re not going to come back

just tell me

i think you’re cool, beautiful, and most importantly: you’re intelligent in a way i respect

until i say how i feel

which brings me to my i miss talking to you line

i’m not sure what else to say

i’m not sure what else i feel

i want you sexually

i like you intellectually and artistically

through instagram

i yearn for your hand in marriage

i mean what is there to say

you live there and i live here

we talk online

and you challenge my avoidance and harsh nature

you’re soft with me but not complacent

you’re direct but not offensive

i want to write you love letters in the dark

you’re smart

you’re talented

you’re peaceful

you’re kind and you’re attractive

this you already know

what you may not know is how i feel

i feel dramatically

i feel drawn to you and by you

i want to have your life and your children

i want to have sex with you

my biggest fear is that i’m not enough or you’ll abandon me

this

this is how i feel

about you

lukas

and i’m sorry about it

cause if i kissed you id only ask for more

and i’m sorry im this way

but it’s true

i love you

i want to promise you my life

though, know you, you would not ask

i want to give you everything

and you to me in return

i want to work independently

and meet together once a year and fuck

you don’t need to change for me

and i would change everything to feel worthy of being with you

this is how i feel

i want to fuck and love you, too, hopefully

this is where i am left

so you tell me..

where do i start

suppose i miss talking to you sums it up

anyways respond or don’t, i’ll still love you

which turns to hate then indifference

yk me

you make me want to put my phone down and walk away

because my heart races when i think of you

shatters when you respond

and explotada when you compliment me

works are easy for you

and they’re easy for me too, technically

but honest words of confession, of any kind really

those are near impossible for me

with our retreating in one form or another

nearly extinct in my kingdom.

i squeeze my eyes tight

and tell you something benal and unimportant

they will answer by day

for its all stupidly gray