Me, myself, and I.

hello to anyone who finds this

Welcome to my page, blog, or whatever it is. Because I don't even know. In here, you will find a variety of things, like drawings, thoughts, what I call blogs (just me rambling on about something), my poetry, music recs, book recs/reasons I like them, and yea. This is my thing and I'm not changing how I do it, until I want to. So, if you come here to read it, be warned, my poetry and drawings may be a little on the darker side.

Hello to anyone who sees this.

I read solitaire by Alice Olseman. I realized. I'm like tori. Except I get yelled at for existing, have more siblings, my siblings have good mental health, have more friends, I pretend to be extroverted so I have friends, hate who I am, and don't have anyone who sees me for myself or how bad my mental health is.

hello to anyone who sees this

I am not normal. I was never made for this world, and this world wasn't made for me. Simple fact. plain as day. People think I am normal and I am not. I hate that word and forever will. Because normal means I have failed, fitting into societies rules of what normal is. I want people to look at me, listen to me, and think of me as someone who is not normal and never will be. Because I refuse to fit into a society that makes standards that most will never fit into. And no one should fit in. You know why? because everyone is someone different. Like a fingerprint, there will never be another person like you, me, your friends, family, or anyone for that fact. We all are trying to fit into a corrupt system, matching ourselves with everyone else so we are not outed, called weird, bullied, or anything like that. I hate that people do this kind of thing, because we should never have to fit in just so that we don't get hurt by being ourselves. We need to stop fitting in. We need to stop normalizing calling people weird because they do not match societies standards. We need a change. And we all know it but make no move to do so. I will never be normal and what you chose to do is up to you. weather you chose to change from being normal to being yourself, or if you chose to fight for a change in this world, is your choice to make and people forget they have that power. Dear reader, please do not EVER forget yours.

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humans are the only species to criticize homosexuality. there is homosexuality documented in over 1,500 species across the animal kingdom.

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society is just a bunch of people trying to fit in into something that's always changing.

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It’s a never-ending loop of feeling and hiding.  It’s a never-ending loop of truth and lies.   It’s a never-ending loop of love and hate.  It’s a never-ending loop of being present and not at the same time.  When did we let this happen?  When did we let this become real?   When did we lose the meaning in our words and our passions at the same time?   When did our nightmares chase away the dreams we used to have?   When did we stop believing in magic?   When did we grow up and let fine be our shield?   When did fine become the word for I’m not ok?  We look out at this world full of hate and resentment,  But we don’t try to fix it.  We say everything is fine but it’s not.   We know it’s not fine,   But we chose to lie to ourselves saying it is.   And we believe it.  There’s a friend crying herself to sleep.  A friend who smiles when he's as flimsy as a paper bag on the inside,  A friend laughing off a bruise to make it easier,  A friend who just stays quiet because it’s easier than explaining.   And they all say they’re “fine,” or “I can take it.”  You tell your parents, and they believe the lie.  You tell your friends, and they keep the secret.  We’ve been "fine" for too long.   It’s kept us alive, yes—   But it also kept us from living. 

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why do people know about global warming, know it's bad, and still don't do anything or much about it?

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please note, the following is not hate towards any religion or people in it. I am not hating on any one in the following.

I think I have a religion. Well, I'm in one. I'm catholic. But I don't feel catholic. Even if I go to church every Sunday, get everything I need to be a catholic, or go to catholic camps, I don't feel catholic. Maybe that's because I'm young, but I never really felt like I was a part of it. I just felt like I was going through the motions. Memorizing things I was told, listening during church, becoming part of my church music and an alter server. I did it for my parents, because it made them happy. Because that's what I do, try to make them happy. Sure, I don't make them happy all the time, but being catholic is one of the few things I can do. I guess I believe more in science now, since I have discovered that my brain needs things to make sense. Science makes sense, faith and Christianity don't. You're putting your hope into something you cannot see. Sure, that's how you make scientific discoveries, but what leads people to trying these things and discovering it, is typically the science you already have discovered and the need to find more. Do not take this as hate to the people who are catholic, or in a religion, because it's not hate, It's just my opinions and life. Don't like it? Ok. That's your choice.

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I read somewhere that; you cannot reason with the tiger while your head is in its mouth or something like that. I'm positive I know what that means, and why it's such a colorful picture to paint. I guess I've found myself in these situations time to time, but I try not to. I prefer to watch, unless it gets to a point where it makes me get involved because it's targeted at my friends, family, or the communities I'm a part of. Why I still do, is a mystery to me because I know it's just going to make the hole bigger and annoy me. I guess it's because I have nothing better to do but try to fix these corrupted minds that have started these situations I find so annoying. Reality is, most of my time is spent doing things are pretty entertaining. Like talking to my best friends, art, reading, watching stuff that is completely useless, and tend to my online life which is small, but I'm OK with that. Its not like its bigger than my real one anyways.

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I never will get how people are fake online. Online, no one knows you. So, what does it care how they see you? People are so strange. Be real in real life, but fake online. Why? Of course, there are some who are fake all the time and some real all the time. I don't know which I would fit in. Because depending on the person in real life, I'm real or fake. I don't think I'm fake online. Though, I never use my real name, or anything from my real life. But everything I post is for a reason. I've learned the lesson of saying words I don't mean, and I don't want to make that mistake again. I'm real online because no one knows me. They have no right to judge me, or anyone for that matter. I know I will probably read this over the next day or 5 hours and think about it, then understand it. Because that's what I do. I try to understand the other side, and why people do things. I will never get people, and very few will get me. When you first see me, depending on who I'm with, you will either think I'm introverted or extroverted. But most think I'm extroverted. I'm not. I'm only that way, because society has made an unsaid rule that if you don't talk your rude and if you talk too much your loud. So, I try to be loud in a way. Because I rather be heard than silenced by the stupidity of society. But still, somehow, all of my friends when they first saw me thought I was introverted. I think that's a win. Maybe that's why we are friends. Because they say my true nature before the mask I had on. Interesting world we live in.

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We all use fine. But not in the right way.  We all say it, but don’t mean it.  Our feelings are real, but our words are empty. We’re here but not at the same time,  We love and hate the same person, We hurt but mask it. And all of this is ok because we are fine.  Or are we? 

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We see the sky as blue, but what if that's just a color tint our eyes put?

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Fine. What does that even mean? We use it to hide how we feel and that’s fine.  We tell it to people like some story line and that’s fine. Saying fine is a way of hiding, for protecting ourselves from the real world. To protecting emotions, we don’t want to face.  It’s a story in its own way but we don’t tell it.  Fine is like a plastic bag with a smile on it over our heads. Both fake, and suffocating. But its ok because we survived.  Right?