โย i tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and i broke everything.ย โ
โย i typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems.ย โ
โย thereโs only one thing i hate more than lying: skim milk, which is water thatโs lying about being milk.ย โ
โย donโt be such a baby. i cooked you some bacon for a trail snack.ย โ
โย i really only listen to german death reggae and halloween sound effects records from the 1950s.ย โ
โย whenever she asks me for the latin names of any of our plants, i just give her the names of rappers.ย โ
โย i once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks.ย โ
โย i didnโt actually sell my last car, i just forgot where i parked it.ย โ
โย i donโt know who al gore is and at this point iโm too afraid to ask.ย โ
โย when they say 2% milk, i donโt know what they other 98% is.ย โ
โย iโve only slept nine hours over the past four days so iโm right on the verge of a nervous breakdown.ย โ
โย upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me.ย โ
โย since i am not a rabbit, no, i do not want a salad.ย โ
โย youโre like an angel with no wings.ย โ
โย oh my god you have to stop using the wordย โnipple.โย โ
โย youโre right, i know. i have to be a grown upโฆ but itโs so hard!ย โ
โย i was reading an encyclopedia and i tripped orย โfell overโ and hit my head. orย โbrain helmet.โย โ
โย oh my god, your boobs are dead.ย โ
โย i have a medical condition, alright! itโs called caring too much and itโs incurable!ย โ
โย he put all my records into this rectangle! the songs just play one right after the other! this is an excellent rectangle!ย โ
โย if i keep my body moving and my mind occupied at all times, i will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.ย โ
โย guys love it when you can show them youโre better than they are at something they love.ย โ
โย jogging is the worst. i mean, i know it keeps you healthy, but god, at what cost?ย โ
โย i have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life.ย โ
โย i know this and i love you.ย โ
โย thatโs too much responsibility. i gotta find a way out of this.ย โ
โย you are a wonderful person. your friendship means a lot to me and you look very beautiful.ย โ
โย i was kind of getting sick of listening to them talk about their relationship, but then i remembered that alcohol existed.ย โ
โย i got stung once and iโm immune. go ahead and sting me, bees! it does nothing!ย โ
โย iโm not afraid of cops! i have no reason to be. i never break any laws, everโฆ because iโm deathly afraid of cops.ย โ
โย iโm fine. itโs just that life is pointless and nothing matters and iโm always tired.ย โ
โย there will be alcohol there, so i will go as well.ย โ
โย i canโt go because i donโt want to.ย โ
โย iโm just gonna stay angry, i find that relaxes me!ย โ
โย i donโt want to seem overdramatic, but i donโt really care what happens here.ย โ
โย iโm just gonna leave early and go home.ย โ
โย if any of you need anything at all, too bad.ย โ
โย you have never been neutral on anything in your life. you have an opinion on pockets.ย โ
โย dance up on me!ย โ
โย i have an idea, itโs very uncool. itโs not illegal, technically. but it is a dick move.ย โ
โย one time my refrigerator stopped working. i didnโt know what to do. i just moved.ย โ
โย youโre stupid and youโre drunk and youโre stupid.ย โ
โย you donโt even know one thing. i didnโt even say one thing and then she asked me the whole thing and i didnโt even do it once.ย โ
โย iโm like an elephant, okay? if i walk into a room, itโs like,ย โoh heโs in there.โย โ
โย bababooey.ย โ
โย mac and cheese pizza?! youโre making that?!ย โ
โย i was dying earlier today. and then i died. now iโm dead.ย โ
โย the only thing i will be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!ย โ
โย i donโt want to be overdramatic, but today felt like 100 years in hell and the absolute worst day of my life.ย โ
โย i have been kind of tense lately. just thinking about the new star wars sequel.ย โ
โย it does look sad. kind of. sorry for stepping on you, floor.ย โ
โย if you rearrange the letters of peru, you can spell europe.ย โ
โย youโre as guilty as you are sexy.ย โ
โย this maze is like a maze.ย โ
โย sometimes when i blow my nose, i get a boner. i donโt know why. it just happens.ย โ
โย so i feel like you were mad at me yesterday and i donโt know why so i made a list of everything i did and iโm gonna try not to do any of them again.ย โ
โย no, iโm not crying, okay? iโm allergic to jerks!ย โ
โย i donโt even have time to tell you how wrong you areโฆ actually, itโs going to bug me if i donโt.ย โ
โย with all due respect, youโre a major dick.ย โ
โย the calzonesโฆ betrayed me?ย โ
โย who hasnโt had gay thoughts?ย โ
โย do you think a depressed person could make this? no!ย โ
โย i like your energy. what do you say you and i ride go-karts later?ย โ
โย three words: treat. yo. self.ย โ
โย treat yo self. itโs the best day of the year!ย โ
โย iโll tell you what. hereโs the deal. if you get fired, iโll quit, and weโll leave together. iโm serious! move to a new city, change our namesโฆ burn our fingertips off with acidโฆ swap facesโฆ if we have to.ย โ
โย monsters donโt have souls? uh, have you seen monsters inc?ย โ
โย i make my money the old fashioned way: i got run over by a lexus.ย โ
โย i took this thing called โzapvigilโ which apparently is what israeli fighter pilots use to stay awake soโฆ right now it looks like iโm talking to a giant crab. stay away from me crab!ย โ
โย well, you suck at being polite, sir.ย โ
โย at one point, for no reason, i just took off my shoes and held them in my hand.ย โ
โย three, two, one, and my shiftโs overโฆ what the fuck is your problem?!ย โ
โย math is worthless in real life. i mean, thereโs an app for calculating tips. thatโs all you need.ย โ
โย your house isnโt haunted, youโre lonely.ย โ
โย just because i canโt go out with him, someone else can? wow.ย โ
โย oh, this is bad. i should not have done this.ย โ
โย sheโs the worst person iโve ever met. i want to travel the world with her.ย โ
โย no, no, no, no. iโm not lonely. i have me.ย โ
โย i love watching russian traffic accidents on youtube while i play childrenโs music at the wrong rpm.ย โ
โย god, i am so annoyed that he would hypothetically do that.ย โ
โย you beautiful, rule-breaking moth.ย โ
โย you beautiful, naive, sophisticated newborn baby.ย โ
โย you beautiful tropical fish.ย โ
โย hope no one minds if i livetweet this bitch!ย โ
โย i just want to hear the doctor say that he had a fart attack. is that too much to ask?ย โ
โย the only things i like are dogs and sleeping late.ย โ
โย it kind of sucks that iโm super broke and i want to buy you stuff and itโs embarrassing that i canโt.ย โ
โย i donโt want anything. i just want to hang out with you.ย โ
โย youโve killed my spirit. my spiritโs blood is on your hands.ย โ
โย i hate people.ย โ
โย you can see the stars, which i hate. theyโre creepy.ย โ
โย i will kill you slowly with a giant syringe.ย โ
โย what? i love garbage.ย โ
โย i only tell the truth when it makes me sound like iโm lying.ย โ
โย i want to be burned at the stake.ย โ
โย iโm going to murder you a thousand times.ย โ
โย people who buy things are suckers.ย โ
โย this is 100% certified for realskis.ย โ
โย well, if thereโs anyone who can bring my parents together, itโs no one. no one can ever bring them together.ย โ
โย getting married is the bravest, most wonderful thing you can do because every day you come home and youโre just like,ย โwhat? itโs you! i love you! youโre my sexy roommate. we love each other.โย โ
โย i am 100% certain that i am 0% sure of what iโm going to do.ย โ
โย my anxiety has kept me up for over 50 hours.ย โ
โย maybe we should find the person who stole your positive attitude.ย โ
โย scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. i believe i am that human being.ย โ
โย messy is fun, okay? my whole life is a giant mess and i love it.ย โ
โย friendship is better because friends help you move. they drive you to the airport. boyfriends justโฆ love you and marry you.ย โ
โ ย i hope you brought a change of clothes cause your eyes are about to piss tears. ย โ
โย everything hurts and iโm dying.ย โ
โย i need you to text me every 30 seconds saying everythingโs gonna be okay.ย โ
โย let me just say, from the bottom of my heart: my bad.ย โ
โย there are no consequences to my actions anymore. iโm like a white, male u.s. senator.ย โ
โย hey, are you busy? and writing star trek fan fiction does not count.ย โ
โย what do weโฆ? like, what do we do? like, what do we do? um, how- how do we- howโฆ? howโฆ howโฆ how? what do we do?!ย โ
โย oh, also, i have a little secretโฆ iโm drunk.ย โ
โย i do say the cutest stuff.ย โ
โย i donโt want to cause a panicโฆ news flash: weโre screwed!ย โ
โย velvet slippies, cashmere socks, velvet pants, cashmere turtle. iโm a cashmere-velvet candy cane.ย โ
โย you shut your mouth! you have all the strengths!ย โ
โย never half-ass two things. whole-ass one thing.ย โ
โย iโm a simple man. i like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.ย โ
โย i guess i kind of hate most things, but i never really seem to hate you.ย โ
โย time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge. letโs go!ย โ
โย i have no idea what iโm doing, but i know iโm doing it really, really well.ย โ
โย ovaries before brovaries.ย โ
โย sometimes you gotta work a little so you can ball a lot.ย โ
โย i have never taken the high road, but i tell people toย โcause then thereโs more room for me on the low road.ย โ
โย just remember, every time you look up at the moon, i, too, will be looking at a moon. not the same moon, obviously. thatโs impossible.ย โ
โย iโm just gonna go live under a bridge and ask people riddles before they cross.ย โ
โย i love games that turn people against each other.ย โ
โย i donโt care about that prize, but iโm gonna win because i want his happiness to go away.ย โ
โย that is the coolest sentence i have ever heard somebody talk.ย โ
โย i wanted to make fun of stupid people while i get drunk. my two true passions.ย โ
โย i am big enough to admit that i am often inspired by myself.ย โ
โย if i could go back in time and cut your eyeballs out, i would.ย โ