sleep is for the weak and i am exhausted

He’d noticed it gradually.

Morning erections disappearing first, though he couldn’t have said precisely when- not when his mornings were spent around other people and never actually got the time to wank one out before morning drills or in between dodging gunfire.

Then on the rare occasion he did actually feel enough inclination to do something about himself, it became an exercise in diminishing returns: attraction still existed somewhere in his head, sensation technically existed below the waist, but whatever bridge had once connected the two appeared to have been bombed out.

Simon discovered it through the deeply scientific process of occasionally attempting to masturbate and getting absolutely fuck all for his trouble

He could touch himself and get nowhere. Could want, abstractly, and have his body answer with complete indifference. The first few times Simon tested it, he approached the problem the way he approached most of his failures: with detached irritation, as though persistence alone might force the damaged thing back into service.

Eventually he’d stared down at himself, accepted that nothing was happening, pulled his trousers back up and thought, Right. That’s that, then.

He never mentioned it to anyone, not to a doctor and certainly not to Price, because- contrary to popular belief- there were limits to what Simon Riley was willing to survive and the idea of being waterboarded ranked higher on the list of things he’d want to go through again before having John Price know whether his lieutenant’s cock remained operational or not.

He didn’t make an appointment specifically for it either. Doctors had poked, prodded, scanned, stitched and reconstructed enough of him already, and there was something uniquely intolerable about volunteering this particular failure for examination when he had no real intention of actually doing anything with the equipment even if they did manage to fix it.

Casual sex had never really held enough appeal to justify navigating the humiliation of his body refusing to cooperate halfway through. A relationship sounded worse. Relationships required trust, trust required vulnerability, and Simon had never understood the fascination people had with handing another human being that kind of weakness so openly.

So celibacy became another practical adjustment. Fine. Good, even. One less thing to worry about, one less chemical urge trying to convince him another person was necessary.

Simon’s body already demanded sleep, food, medication, physical therapy and the occasional begrudging acknowledgment that he was not, despite considerable evidence to the contrary, composed entirely of out of spite.

He didn’t particularly mind losing one more demand and eventually he stopped checking whether anything had changed. He stopped noticing attractive strangers beyond the detached recognition that, yes, objectively, they were attractive. He stopped wondering whether there might be some circumstance under which his body would respond differently.

It had been years and whatever part of him had once wanted sex had either been damaged beyond use or buried beneath too much other shit to reach daylight, and Simon had made his peace with that.

Then you arrived and immediately became the most irritating person he had met in recent memory.

Not because you were cruel. Simon could deal with cruel; cruelty was straightforward. You simply possessed a spectacular disregard for the strange force field that usually formed around Ghost.

New recruits tended to give him space. Experienced operators might not fear him, but they understood him well enough not to poke unnecessarily at whatever lived behind the skull mask.

Even Soap, who had elevated testing Simon’s patience into a recreational activity, possessed enough survival instinct to recognize certain lines.

You, however, seemed unaware there were lines at all.

The first time Simon deliberately crowded your space during a disagreement, expecting the usual subtle retreat people made when six-foot-something of masked lieutenant invaded their breathing room, you merely tipped your head back farther and continued arguing. When he leaned down, you leaned forward. When he blocked the doorway afterward because you’d been getting on his nerves for the better part of twenty minutes, you stared at him and asked, “Are you finished?”

“Finished what?” he’d replied, because sometimes Simon could be every bit as juvenile as Soap accused him of being, even if he’s deny it until the day he died.

“This.” You waved vaguely at all of him. “Whatever weird intimidation ritual you’ve got going on. Move.”

He hadn’t and you responded with putting both hands against the center of his chest and shoving him instead. He barely shifted if course, which only seemed to annoy you further.

Your mouth tightened, your boots planted and you shoved again with genuine intent this time while Simon stared down at you in profound disbelief.

Somewhere behind him Soap made the distinctive strangled sound of a man swallowing laughter, and when Simon turned his head just enough all he saw was the sergeant suddenly studying a patch of wall with extraordinary concentration because he valued his continued existence.

By the time Simon looked back, you were already shouldering past the narrow gap you’d created, muttering something about oversized fucking roadblocks.

Deeply irritating. That was Simon’s assessment, and it remained his assessment over the following weeks while you developed an increasingly casual habit of putting your hands on him whenever he was being difficult.

Not affectionately. Never anything he could easily categorize as flirtation.

Rather, you slapped his hand away when he reached for things you were using, nudged his boots aside when he stretched his legs into your path, drove your shoulder into his arm rather than walk around him when he occupied too much corridor.

One afternoon he reached over your head for the exact mug you’d been reaching toward despite three identical ones sitting beside it, and you promptly elbowed him in the ribs.

“Use another one.”

“Wanted this one.”

“You’re a prick.”

“Been told.”

You turned with your mug held against your chest and gave him a look of profound disgust. “Do you wake up every morning and consciously decide to be unbearable, or does it come naturally?”

“Natural talent.”

Something low in his stomach tightened when your eyes narrowed. Simon noticed it only enough to dismiss it. His body produced strange aches, sparks and misfires constantly; one more meant nothing.

The real problem emerged three weeks later over a mission report, largely because Simon had made the decision to edit your wording after you’d already submitted it.

You found him sitting at his desk with the amended copy beside him and launched immediately into an accusation of bureaucratic sabotage.

Simon informed you that he’d corrected inaccuracies. You informed him there had been no inaccuracies. He reminded you that on line of your official report had read, Lieutenant Riley ignored the proposed entry point because apparently God himself whispered a better idea directly into his ear.

“That is an accurate account of events,” you argued.

“Not putting that in an official report.”

“You’re only mad because it makes you sound like an asshole.”

“I am an asshole.”

“Then why are we editing for accuracy?”

You were already moving around the desk while you said it, coming toward him with the particular determined stride Simon had learned meant you were about to invade his personal space as punishment for some perceived crime.

He remained seated though, mostly because standing would have made the whole thing absurd; he was already large enough without looming over you while you complained about paperwork.

You stopped directly between his knees instead, close enough that the fabric over one of your thighs brushed the outside of his. Simon registered it without meaning to and dismissed it.

Then your finger came up and pressed hard into the center of his chest.

“You listen to me, Riley. If you touch my report again without asking, you can take that red pen and shove it so far up your- “

Simon stopped listening.

His body had gone abruptly, impossibly still around one singular point of awareness. There was pressure beneath his pants. Heat. A heavy rush of blood into an organ Simon had, for all practical purposes, considered medically retired.

For several bewildered seconds his brain refused to identify the sensation because it had been absent too long to belong naturally among the catalog of things Simon expected his body to do.

Then his cock gave a distinct pulse against the front of his trousers and every word leaving your mouth vanished beneath one stunned thought.

He was hard.

Not sort of hard, not an ambiguous twitch he could blame on sitting wrong or fabric pressure or some random neurological event.

Simon Riley, who had gone years without getting an erection under considerably more deliberate circumstances, was sitting in his office with a fully functioning cock because you were jabbing him in the chest and telling him to go fuck himself.

You were still speaking, though Simon had no idea what you were saying anymore- although judging by your expression it remained insulting.

He stared at you with such unusual stillness that eventually you stopped on your own, finger still planted against his sternum. “What?”

Simon said nothing.

“What?” you repeated. “Have you gone deaf?”

His gaze dropped to your hand as though it might explain what had just happened. You mistook the look for irritation and removed your finger and Simon waited for the erection to disappear with it. It didn’t.

If anything, the lingering anger in your expression produced another deeply inconvenient pulse.

“No,” he finally said.

“Then say something.”

There were probably several sensible options but Simon chose, “Finished?”

Your whole expression sharpened. “Oh, fuck you.”

You snatched the report from beside him and stormed away, leaving Simon alone in his office with the door swinging behind you and his body apparently celebrating a resurrection.

He sat there for another several seconds before slowly looking down at himself.

The erection remained as undeniable as it was inexplicable. After years of absolutely nothing, his nervous system had apparently located a bypass around the damage because you had yelled at him over paperwork.

Simon stared until disbelief curdled into suspicion, then muttered, “Tha’s fucki’ inconvenient.”

By the following morning, he had explained it away. Bodies were strange. Blood pressure changed. Anger raised adrenaline. Perhaps poking his chest had compressed something in precisely the right way. Perhaps a damaged nerve had fired randomly for the first time in years.

After much deliberation, Simon decided one isolated event proved nothing, and there was absolutely no reason to investigate further.

So it was a completely coincidence, of course, that Simon happened to be standing directly in front of the cutlery drawer the next day, when you needed it.

You’d made tea, reached for the drawer and found approximately two hundred and forty pounds of lieutenant in the way. “Move.”

“Comfy.”

Your hand paused on the mug. “You’re blocking the spoons.”

“Plenty elsewhere.”

“No, there aren’t. They’re in the drawer behind your ass.”

“Sounds inconvenient.”

You stared at him. Simon leaned against the counter with studied indifference, though somewhere beneath that indifference his attention had become embarrassingly focused.

Nothing happened. No stirring. No heat. Simon experienced an emotion dangerously close to disappointment and immediately resented himself for it.

Then you stepped forward, caught a fistful of his shirt at the chest and yanked. “For fuck’s sake, Riley, move.”

His cock went hard so quickly Simon nearly inhaled his own tongue.

There was no ambiguity this time. Your knuckles dragged against his sternum through the fabric, your body crowded directly into his as you tried to haul a man significantly larger than yourself out of the way, and apparently this combination constituted the precise password required to unlock Simon Riley’s long dormant reproductive system.

You succeeded in shifting him half a step, reached around him for the drawer and retrieved your spoon without noticing that Simon had gone rigid for an entirely different reason.

“What’s wrong with you?” you asked when you turned back.

“Nothin’.”

“You look weird.”

“Always look like this.”

“No, you’re acting weird.”

Simon left without making the tea he’d ostensibly entered the kitchen to prepare.

Still, twice could still be coincidence. Simon clung to that argument for roughly forty eight hours before curiosity overwhelmed dignity and the entire situation deteriorated into an experiment he refused to acknowledge he was conducting.

He began noticing variables with the clinical attention he would normally reserve for surveillance. Ordinary proximity produced nothing reliable. Sitting beside you during briefings didn’t do it. Your shoulder bumping his in a crowded transport didn’t do it. You once passed him a weapon and your fingers brushed his glove, and his nervous system remained entirely uninterested.

There was something reassuring about that at first. Perhaps the episodes really were random.

Then he ignored you while you were trying to ask him a question.

“Riley.”

Simon continued inspecting the rifle in his hands.

“Riley.”

Nothing.

“Simon.”

There it was: that warning woven through his name, irritation sharpening the edges. Simon looked up and caught the full force of your glare just as warmth tightened low behind his belt.

“Wot?” he asked.

“I’ve been talking to you.”

“Have you?”

Your eyes narrowed further. His cock stirred harder.

Simon turned back toward the weapons bench before you could notice the slight adjustment in his stance.

Three times constituted a pattern.

After that, his behavior became indefensible.

He discovered that if he deliberately moved one of your things, you would hunt him down to complain. If he blocked your route, you would put your hands on him rather than politely ask twice. If he took the pen nearest your fingers instead of any of the other four available, you would slap the back of his hand. If he walked away while you were talking, you would occasionally grab the back of his vest and yank him to a halt, which produced such an immediate response the first time that Simon had needed to invent an urgent reason to leave the room before you noticed.

He tested other possibilities privately because, despite what his increasingly deranged behavior suggested, Simon was still attempting to establish whether you were actually the variable.

A woman flirted openly with him during leave; nothing. He watched pornography one evening and experienced such profound indifference that halfway through he became distracted wondering whether he’d cleaned the knife he’d used on a security guard earlier. He tried touching himself without any outside stimulus and got little more than the same sluggish response he’d become accustomed to years before.

The following afternoon you stormed into the common room because he’d eaten something with your name written very clearly across the container and jabbed him in the chest, snarling. “I swear to God, Riley, I’m going to kill you.”

His body responded like somebody had thrown a switch, cock harder than diamonds.

Simon stared at you as heat settled heavily between his legs. You stared back, waiting for remorse that was not forthcoming.

“Did you hear me?”

“Yeah.”

“And?”

A profoundly defective impulse surfaced. Simon leaned slightly closer. “Gonna have to try harder than that.”

Your mouth fell open before outrage filled the space. “You absolute fucking bastard.”

You attempted to leap at him, spitting profanities and attempting- Simon assumed- to claw his eyes out but Gaz intercepted and kept you off of him. Still, you managed to shove his shoulder and his cock throbbed in response.

Simon stepped back immediately, which only made you look suspicious. “Stay away from my food,” you snapped, throwing Gaz’s hands off of you, before walking out.

Gaz lowered his hands and looked toward Simon.

Simon turned his head very slowly.

Gaz’s eyebrows rose.

“Wot?”

“Didn’t say anything.”

“Your face did.”

Gaz gave him a deeply searching look- perceptive bastard- before finally settling on. “Not a conversation I’m looking to have, mate.”

Simon went upstairs, shut his bedroom door and sat on the edge of his mattress with both hands dragged over his mask.

It should have been good news. That was the part he could not reconcile. For years he’d assumed the damage was permanent, another small theft committed by men and circumstances that had already taken enough from him.

He had accepted it because Simon understood loss better than he understood recovery; there was peace in declaring something gone and never hoping for it again after all.

Now, against every expectation, his body was proving that some pathway still existed. Something beneath the scar tissue and damaged nerves still knew what to do. Under any reasonable circumstance, that should have felt like getting a piece of himself back.

Instead, Simon was being forced to confront the humiliating possibility that his cock was not broken so much as catastrophically selective.

Apparently lingerie did nothing for it. Flirting did nothing. Attractive strangers did nothing. Pornography had nearly put him to sleep.

But you glaring at him like you were three seconds away from committing an indictable offense? Excellent. You hauling him around by his clothes? Evidently irresistible. You shoving him because he was deliberately standing somewhere inconvenient? His nervous system seemed to consider it practically erotic.

It got worse because Simon genuinely enjoyed irritating you even without the increasingly inconvenient physical reward attached to it. There was something satisfying about the immediacy of your reactions.

Most people behaved differently around Ghost. They measured their words. Watched his hands. Gave the mask more space than it physically occupied. Even people who knew him eventually retained some instinctive awareness that he could become frightening very quickly if circumstances demanded it.

But you treated him like an enormous nuisance.

Simon could stand silently behind hardened soldiers and watch their shoulders stiffen; but all you would do is look over, discover him hovering there, and tell him his breathing was annoying you. People feared monsters but you only responded with irritation at the one who stole your mug.

Simon did not examine why that distinction mattered to him. Instead, he moved your mug again.

The situation finally collapsed when he blocked you in a corridor for no reason beyond the fact that he knew exactly what would happen.

You stopped in front of him with immediate suspicion. “Move.”

Simon remained where he was, arms folded.

“Riley.”

“Hm?”

“You’re doing it again.”

“Doing what?”

“This.” You gestured at the width of him occupying nearly the entire passage. “Standing exactly where I need to go.”

“Small corridor.”

“Exactly and you’re somehow taking up all of it.”

“Skill.”

You stepped left. Simon stepped left. You stopped and stared at him. He could see realization beginning, he dawning certainty that his obstruction was deliberate. You moved right. Simon mirrored you again.

“Are you twelve?”

“Could ask you the same.”

“Oh, my God.” You tried left one more time. He blocked you, and now your patience broke visibly. Your shoulders squared, your jaw tightened and when you spoke again your voice dropped into that particular warning register his body had inexplicably decided it adored. “Move, Riley.”

Heat tightened beneath his belt.

Jesus fucking Christ.

He should have stepped aside then. He had his answer. He had, in fact, accumulated an absurd quantity of answers over the previous week and required absolutely no further data.

Instead, despite being a grown ass adult, Simon leaned one shoulder against the wall and heard himself say, “Make me.”

You went very still.

There was a small part of Simon’s brain, the portion apparently not currently occupied by destroying his own dignity, that recognized he had pushed this into ridiculous territory.

Then you planted both hands against his chest and shoved hard enough to drive his shoulder into the wall.

The response was immediate and vicious. His cock surged against the front of his pants, balls tightening instinctively, breath catching just enough that you noticed. Your hands remained spread over his chest while your expression changed from irritation to confusion.

Simon looked down at them.

You followed his gaze, but this time your attention continued lower.

Silence settled between you.

Simon felt the exact moment you understood.

Your eyes lifted slowly back to his.

“No.”

He said nothing.

Your mouth began to twitch. “No fucking way. Is that why you’ve been fucking with me?”

“No.”

The denial came far too quickly.

Your expression transformed. “Oh my God.”

Simon pushed away from the wall. “Don’t.”

“You have been deliberately pissing me off.”

“Have not.”

“You moved my boots yesterday.”

“Safety hazard.”

“They were under my bed.”

“Could’ve tripped.”

“In my sleep?”

“Dangerous business.”

You stared at him for a long second before laughter broke through. Not polite laughter either. You actually bent slightly with it, one hand still braced against his vest while Simon considered every decision he had made since entering military service and wondered which one had placed him on the path toward this precise humiliation and whether he could go find his enemies and beg for the west release of death.

“You ate my food,” you accused between breaths.

“Was hungry.”

“You stole my pen out of my hand when there were three sitting next to it.”

“Liked yours.”

“You stood in front of the spoon drawer for five fucking minutes.”

Simon’s silence convicted him more effectively than anything he might have said.

“You’ve been fucking with me because it gets you off.”

“Wouldn’t call it that.”

“What would you call it?”

He had nothing.

Your laughter returned, softer now but infinitely more dangerous because amusement was giving way to curiosity. Simon recognized the shift immediately. You looked down again, not long enough to be crude, merely long enough to confirm the evidence remained present, then back up at him. Something in your expression sharpened with wicked understanding.

“You’re a fucking freak, Riley.”

“Watch your mouth.”

“That do it too?”

“No.”

“Liar.”

Simon caught your wrists when you pressed both hands to his chest again, intending only to remove them. The movement changed your expression instantly. Amusement flashed into irritation at being restrained, your weight shifting toward him instead of away.

“Let go.”

His erection throbbed so hard Simon nearly swore.

Your eyes narrowed.

Simon shut his own for half a second because apparently there were indignities even he required time to process. When he opened them, you were staring at him with a new kind of fascination.

“Oh,” you said quietly.

Simon released your wrists.

You didn’t move back.

Neither did he.

The corridor had somehow become smaller around you both, the joking edge thinning into awareness. You watched him for a second, then reached forward with deliberate slowness and hooked one finger beneath the edge of his pants. Simon knew exactly what you were doing now. More importantly, so did you.

“Don’t,” he warned.

“Don’t what?”

“You know what.”

“I don’t think I do.”

“Bullshit.”

You tugged him half an inch closer.

His jaw tightened as his cock reacted instantly.

That awful, delighted grin spread across your face before cupping your palm around the hard, obvious shape of his cock through the fabric and closing your fingers.

Simon’s entire body betrayed him at once.

His head tipped back against the wall with a dull, undignified thunk. His eyes rolled upward so hard he briefly saw the inside of his own skull. A sound escaped him that could generously be described as a groan and less generously as a whine.

He stayed like that for a second- head thrown back, eyes somewhere in the rafters, cock throbbing shamelessly in the warm curve of your hand- while his brain attempted to process the sheer fucking audacity of the situation.

You gave a small, experimental squeeze.

Simon’s hips jerked forward of their own accord- traitors- and he locked every muscle he still had control over, forcing himself still, which only made the next pulse against your palm more obvious.

“Christ,” he muttered at the ceiling, voice strangled.

You didn’t let go. If anything, you adjusted your grip with the calm curiosity of someone who had just discovered a particularly interesting malfunction and intended to poke it until it made more interesting noises. Your thumb stroked once along the ridge of him, and Simon’s breath left him in a short, punched out sound that was deeply unhelpful to whatever remaining dignity he was trying to cling to.

You tilted your head, still cupping him, and watched the way his throat worked under the mask.

“So,” you said, far too conversationally for someone currently holding a lieutenant’s previously non-functional cock in her hand, “this is the bit where you explain yourself, or…?”

Simon dragged his eyes back down to you with visible effort. The mask hid most of his expression, but the set of his shoulders suggested a man who had just realised he had spent the better part of two weeks engineering his own public humiliation and was now living with the consequences.

“Not explainin’ a fuckin’ thing,” he managed, voice rough. “While you’re still holdin’ my cock in your hand. You’re becoming a problem.”

“I’m becoming a problem? You’ve spent the last week acting like a primary school boy pulling someone’s hair because apparently your dick needs interpersonal conflict to function.”

“Tha’s not what’s happening.”

“You got hard because I shoved you into a wall.”

“Coincidence.”

“I can test that.”

“You fuckin’ will not.”

Your grin widened and your palm pressed down and Ghost nearly saw God long enough to ask why after nearly thirty years of suffering, this was apparently the punchline.

Before he could ask, God apparently decided to throw the poor suffering bastard a bone because Soap’s voice sounded from around the corner. “Ghost, ye seen- “

Simon stepped away from you with enough speed that you nearly stumbled forward.

Soap rounded the corner, stopped and took in the scene. You were suspiciously amused. Simon was standing at an equally suspicious angle with his hands planted on his hips and approximately three feet more distance between you than two people naturally needed. Johnny’s gaze moved from you to Ghost, back to you and then very deliberately refused to travel any lower.

“Aye,” Soap said slowly.

Nobody answered.

He nodded to himself. “Actually, never mind.”

Soap turned around.

“MacTavish.”

His pace increased.

“Johnny.”

“Didnae see anything, LT.”

“You didn’t.”

“Exactly.”

He disappeared around the corner before Simon could decide whether murder was worth the paperwork.

You made it perhaps two seconds before laughter burst out of you again, and Simon dragged one hand down the front of his mask while your amusement echoed through the corridor.

This, apparently, was his life now. He had survived torture, burial, gunfire, explosions and enough bodily damage to permanently alter the way his nervous system functioned, only to discover that whatever remained of his sexual response had crawled out of its grave specifically for the most confrontational person he knew.

The pattern had become painfully specific: you close enough to crowd him, your voice edged with irritation, your hands on his chest because Simon had deliberately made himself impossible to tolerate.

His body had surveyed years of opportunity with complete indifference, ignored every conventional invitation offered to it, then watched you square up against a man nearly twice your mass and apparently made an executive decision.

That one. You need to fuck that one.

The thought arrived so clearly Simon actually glanced upward again as though God might be willizng to throw him another bone.

Apparently he’d used up all this good will because the Almighty wasn’t.

There was only you, still laughing as you pushed past him and deliberately knocked your shoulder into his chest on the way.

“Move, Riley.”

His cock twitched again.

Simon closed his eyes and stood perfectly still in the corridor while the universe continued to punish him for crimes he could not presently recall committing and groaned out. “Fuck’s sake.”