[2] ways to approach life...

Trying to think of a good reason not to throw 103 days of sobriety down the drain... ... ...still thinking...can't go to my normal release because of this fuckn ankle...I want to light this fucking walking boot on fire...this cortisone shot is still tingling...agghh...fuckn blows...

ppl dont really read blogs on here...but oh well...it's been a minute...just called 2 get pricing 4 moving california!!!i'm super sad...nervous...scared...anxious...etc...dont want 2 leave the bay...but i'm ready 2 start on a new journey...to go back 2 school...to ultimately become a registered dietician...complete switch from my architecture background...still want/will use later in life...the time spent here will not have been in vain...though it's definitely a financial blow...but fortunately...i know my parents will support me if necessary....obviously dont want them 2...once i get acceptance letters and decide on a location...gotta look 4 a job out there...really just nervous about the living situation...aghhh...ok...bye now...

Venting...feeling like Debbie the downer...extremely frustrated...idk wtf I want to do with my life...one minute it's this...the next minute it's that...one thing is for certain is that I don't want to keep doing what I am currently doing...I'm still doubting myself...think that's part of the reason I had been "working" on y portfolio for the past fuckin year!!!I have a huge problem with authority/even the feeling that I am being told what to do...I wasn't able to go to the gym today..won't make t tomorrow...unless I skip the lecture...how to start your own firm...so that I can come home early and go...can't go Thursday winter because I have to fucking babysit grown adults...I hate authority...but I also hate telling grown adults what to do/reminding them...this confusion and influx of emotions is making me feel like a mad woman...and when Simone is a mad woman...she honks crazy thoughts and does not so good things...I went out with my Mentorship group today...and didn't drink or eat (can lose to myself in my own challenge; c'mon 31 July!!!)...now I'm fucking feenin...I think I just ate all those almonds out of my OCD behavior b/c I don't think I was starving...but Moreso feeling on edge...I so hate this feeling more than I would openly admit to anyone...it makes me feel like the old me of a pass lifetime...fortunately, I dont want to cut/take my life...but I want to do other things...the gym/exercising has been a semi-good outlet for releasing some of the emotion...(even though looking at me physically you wouldn't guess it)...hxhsjsueudu....I types mumbo jumbo on purpose because I'm low key getting the shakes now...great...the emotional whirlwind for the night...and I'm not even naturally an emotional person...

Head is spinning right now...lots on my mind...frustrated...confused...blah blah blah...I think I had like a "moment" this week... This job/career definitely isn't for me...but I really don't know what I want to do...I want todo so much...that I don't know where to begin...and I don't want to depend on anyone else to help me get there...I hate networking...it's so...so not genuine to me...too forced...I am just know realizing how much of an introvert I truly am...ugghh...I feel like I am driving myself crazy and wasting time with this mundane shit-do lists...not completing them...having tasks drag on...re-doing them...starting over...blah blah blah...I want to go have a drink...but I told myself I wouldn't drink again until after 31 July...I would blow some steam in the gym...but I can jog (aka slow walk) because of my leg...ugghh...where do I start...because I have to...I am going to get away from this feeling...just have to figure out how...

Can't sleep...but I'm tired..it's on my mind...been tossing in the bed for the past 2 hrs...want to get up for my 530am workout...kind of splurged on my eating forwards the end of the day...but had a great workout earlier...but no worries...meals prepped for the week...like 16 days sober on my 30 day challenge...defiantly hasn't been easy for me...highly frustrated right now...feel like I am about to be in over my head...less than 30 days to find a new apartment...or I'm staving each additional month I don't move out...feeling highly lost and confused rigt now...like I don't know what I want out of life/my goals r stupid...hopefully this feeling is temporary...but my judgement is too clouded rigt now to access the situation...dreading work tomorrow...shit loads to do...wish I could stay home...and work out all day...to get the endorphins flowing...and keep them steady...really want to scream and cry right now...there could be a 100lb boulder Latin on me rigt now... And I would find a way to escape...but the mental challenges always seem to conquer me...sometimes...I think I know my purpose in life...other times I barely know my own damn name...am I too young to really know it???(though in my own eyes...I'm having a mid life crisis...already!!!)sometimes I wish I would have asked for help/taken the offer when I was younger...but even then I had too much pride...feeling like a procrastinator...like I have accomplished nothing this past year since I have graduated...I hate this fucking feeling...but can't blame anybody but myself...

Damnit!!! Brought a bag of food with me... An had to travel mad far today... Even brought lunch this time!!! But they mad us evacuate the building... Smell of gas... So now we are at the restaurant eating lunch... Idk if I'll make it to the gym today... I'm telling myself it's not the end of the world... Ate cheese and crackers last night... But it will be ok... I will live... And still reach my fitness goals... :)

Did dude just really pull up an antenna on his phone???!!!this can't be real life...if this 2011...or the 80s???

7 days... Fuck everybody who is doubting me... Though after this week/today... I drink is well deserved... But I WON'T give in... Need to find a better way to eat healthy when I'm in different environments... i.e not at home/work...thinking I should invest in a lunch bag that stays cold for those occasions... Going to take a nap... Want to go listen to some music tonight... If I do...I WILL be strong...

I did it... Yay!!!!!!!!!!! [+/+]

958pm... just ate... still hungry... have a taste for (oddly)...something unhealthy... scared to go to a restaurant... 2 much temptation... but i'm HUNGRY!!! i'll go drink some water...and lay down... hopefully...i'll fall asleep... [+/+]

I I will I will not I will not drink I will not drink this I will not drink this weekend (I'll think of a prize for when I don't/consequence if I do...while I'm at work)... [+/+]

Tuesday...Wednesday...Thursday...no exercise...home after 900pm...need a drink...u would think I wouldn't want to...at least for a while...considering last weekend...oh well..maybe one of these lifetimes I'll get smart...or not...bar bar bar!!![+/+]