isabella rose

you’re locked in a cage in my brain

you were out for a long time

controlling my life, taking me away from myself

slowly and slowly

every single day

you took me away and whispered things in my ear

things that made me shatter

one day i found myself looking in the mirror

i looked at my reflection and hated what I saw

i looked unrecognizable

i had stings attached to my arms and head like a doll

i looked at myself and saw someone who had given up

i hated her, hated that I had let my own self control and ruin my life

i thought of my younger self

and thought if she would walk through the room and look and me, would she run up to me and give me a hug? or would she just stand and stare and look around, not recognizing me at all?

long story short,

i eventually got help

i took a pill that took the thoughts away

your thoughts away

for a long time you told me I was your friend

that you were the only one who understood me

you kept me up all night

talking to me, making me laugh, making me think of everything

but once you went away I realized that you weren’t a friend at all

you made me the person that I thought I’d never be

you made me lose myself

what kind of friend does that?

sometimes I still hear your calls from the cell you’re locked in

sometimes you still keep me up at night

sometimes you still make me laugh

what happens when you've reached your limit 

when you don’t see light around you anymore 

you only see darkness, and it’s wrapped around you like a blanket

you want a way out of the darkness's hold

a beckoning call tells you to start walking, it tells you it can help 

you walk until a stone wall appears in front of you, the top no where visible

the wall begs you to climb it

telling you you’ll find rest at the top, that you’ll get away from the darkness below

you climb it, not wanting to be be swallowed up in that ever darkness again

you climb for months and months

on the way up, you see a butterfly trapped in resin, stuck in a frame on the wall 

you look up to see more frames up in the distance

they will be stuck forever you realize

the frames make you want to keep going

you don't want to be stuck like them

you climb past the last frame,

but the climb gets harder after that

your legs scream, wanting you to stop

but you keep climbing until those butterflies are out of the distance

another month goes by, the top still not visible

you start to lose hope until you see a hand reach out to you, begging you to take it

you take it, thinking you’ve been saved

someone’s going to help you finally get out

you hold onto that hand tight, never letting go

you realize this was the beckoning call

your legs stop aching

for a bit things seem to be okay, you’re happy

you decide to look down at your progress

but you're confused

you see the frames of butterflies that you thought were far behind you

they’re almost to your touch now

you realize too late that hand wasn’t helping you up

it was distracting you, leading you back to the bottom

you try and let go of the hand, but it only laughs at you

laughs at you for being so naïve

you beg the hand to let you go, and so it does

but the hand knew you weren’t holding onto the wall, you were holding on to it’s hand

so you fall into that plunging darkness

you scream for help, but no one is there

no hand tries to catch you, you just keep falling

on the way down, you try and hold onto one of the frames to help keep you up

but the frame only falls with you

and you fall and fall until you crash to the bottom

the frame shatters next you you

and the darkness comes around the corner wrapping around you like a blanket

it whispers to you that you’ve failed once again

like all the other times before

you hold on to the blanket of darkness around you

it’s the only thing that’s always been there 

you stay on the ground for a long while until you decide to try again

you get up with blanket of darkness wrapped around you

it lets you go, unraveling around you once again as you try and find the wall

but you know it’ll be back when you fall again

you don’t have a limit