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Monterey Bay Aquarium
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@latenightrose

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the voice controlling my thoughts
youâre locked in a cage in my brain
you were out for a long time
controlling my life, taking me away from myself
slowly and slowly
every single day
you took me away and whispered things in my ear
things that made me shatter
one day i found myself looking in the mirror
i looked at my reflection and hated what I saw
i looked unrecognizable
i had stings attached to my arms and head like a doll
i looked at myself and saw someone who had given up
i hated her, hated that I had let my own self control and ruin my life
i thought of my younger self
and thought if she would walk through the room and look and me, would she run up to me and give me a hug? or would she just stand and stare and look around, not recognizing me at all?
long story short,
i eventually got help
i took a pill that took the thoughts away
your thoughts away
for a long time you told me I was your friend
that you were the only one who understood me
you kept me up all night
talking to me, making me laugh, making me think of everything
but once you went away I realized that you werenât a friend at all
you made me the person that I thought Iâd never be
you made me lose myself
what kind of friend does that?
sometimes I still hear your calls from the cell youâre locked in
sometimes you still keep me up at night
sometimes you still make me laugh
but I will no longer let you control my life, my breaths, my relationships, my heart
diary entry #5
overthinking is like taking my thoughts and shoving them in my eyes and mouth
utterly consumed
head not empty, head full of countless scenarios that will never happen
*slurps coffee and overthinks everything*

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âiâd say see you next time, if i thought there were a next timeâ - Mac DeMarcoďżź
âa cycle of butterfliesâ -a poem written by a very sad me
what happens when you've reached your limitÂ
when you donât see light around you anymoreÂ
you only see darkness, and itâs wrapped around you like a blanket
you want a way out of the darkness's hold
a beckoning call tells you to start walking, it tells you it can helpÂ
you walk until a stone wall appears in front of you, the top no where visible
the wall begs you to climb it
telling you youâll find rest at the top, that youâll get away from the darkness below
you climb it, not wanting to be be swallowed up in that ever darkness again
you climb for months and months
on the way up, you see a butterfly trapped in resin, stuck in a frame on the wallÂ
you look up to see more frames up in the distance
they will be stuck forever you realize
the frames make you want to keep going
you don't want to be stuck like them
you climb past the last frame,
but the climb gets harder after that
your legs scream, wanting you to stop
but you keep climbing until those butterflies are out of the distance
another month goes by, the top still not visible
you start to lose hope until you see a hand reach out to you, begging you to take it
you take it, thinking youâve been saved
someoneâs going to help you finally get out
you hold onto that hand tight, never letting go
you realize this was the beckoning call
your legs stop aching
for a bit things seem to be okay, youâre happy
you decide to look down at your progress
but you're confused
you see the frames of butterflies that you thought were far behind you
theyâre almost to your touch now
you realize too late that hand wasnât helping you up
it was distracting you, leading you back to the bottom
you try and let go of the hand, but it only laughs at you
laughs at you for being so naĂŻve
you beg the hand to let you go, and so it does
but the hand knew you werenât holding onto the wall, you were holding on to itâs hand
so you fall into that plunging darkness
you scream for help, but no one is there
no hand tries to catch you, you just keep falling
on the way down, you try and hold onto one of the frames to help keep you up
but the frame only falls with you
and you fall and fall until you crash to the bottom
the frame shatters next you you
and the darkness comes around the corner wrapping around you like a blanket
it whispers to you that youâve failed once again
like all the other times before
you hold on to the blanket of darkness around you
itâs the only thing thatâs always been thereÂ
you stay on the ground for a long while until you decide to try again
you get up with blanket of darkness wrapped around you
it lets you go, unraveling around you once again as you try and find the wall
but you know itâll be back when you fall again
you donât have a limit
you get out of the cycle, only to be pulled into another oneÂ
now I gotta add you to my list of people to try and forget about.

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Loving Vincent (2017) dir. Dorota Kobiela, Hugh Welchman
Some days I'm Van Gogh's "Starry Night".
Other nights, I'm just his suicide note.

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i wish i could fall asleep without thinking about you, but youâre always on my mind and always in my dreams.
whatever gets you through the day