here's a song from a band that i've been digging recently; it's called "eavesdrop" by the civil wars. surely you've heard of them, since i know you're quite fond of such angsty genres. or am i wrong? haha. either ways.. i hope you'll like it.
"every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. those who wish to sing always finds a song. at the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet." - plato
during the rarest of times i decide to come out of my personal bubble, often times i would get asked, what happens on a day in a life of an introvert? what good does it bring, what backwash would it cause?
you may have expected what might've happened next; i have this tendency of stumbling and slurring with my words, sometimes coming out either unintentionally half-hearted or overly sappy due to lack of thought; you know very well because you hear it so often from me. i so badly want them to know, however, due to this anxiety i may or may not have felt a bit overly conscious of my words so i tend to keep everything silent. however for today, i decided that i could maybe disregard the thought since i don't do this as often, but when i do, it's only for you.
i have so much to say, but i actually don't know what to write next because i can't simply "sap" my way until the end so i'm just going to ramble until my fingers decide to stop and well, sprint away because the little sap is leaking everywhere.
october 15th. it was a wednesday. it's always been like the usual; like a hundred years span being packed into a single day, long, stuffy and tedious. so i went on, and saw a new face - someone whom i believed was eloquent and endearingly expressive; i loved the way he wrote, i love the way it appeared with the small pieces of artwork and most especially, i loved what he's written. just then i came home to a certain pm from a certain someone, someone who's supposedly my hyung. it went along the lines of "you can't go yet, because i haven't explored you yet," and oddly enough, i thought that it was a rather cute way of saying hello, so i greeted back.
october 16th, thursday. a fairly normal day, with fairly normal weather, and a fairly average length of our conversation - not more than 3 short paragraphs, if memory serves me right. haha. i got to learn some stuff about you, and in turn learned something from me too. i remembered going to bed with a smile back then (which is kind of new, since it's always been a while since that has happened..)
october 17th, friday. it was a weekend; i was happy. i found myself kind of.. excited, you could say. i was finally looking forward to talking to someone who isn't any of my friends. this is when the little mermaid talk started; i even remember it's been a while since i've been enamored by something written. by this time, i'd like to believe, we've developed some attachment - throwing questions about each other to and fro, it made me happy. i tried delving in deeper within your story, why it astonished me in a way that no one had ever shown, or should i say, even bothered to show. although i'd like to think otherwise; i believe this was the time you've been looking past my thin disguise, investing time and effort for me.
october 18th, saturday. how did our conversation turn out into longer than essays, i don't understand.. well, maybe i do - or i'd like to believe i do; we're just normally talkative that way. the way you called me "xiaofan" with warmth and the way you ask how everything's been with vital concernment made me smile in a way no one's ever done.
your words slipping past your lips like a running brook that sings, tone heavy with awareness of pain from too much tenderness. often times i find myself enchanted by your eurhythmy, whether you speak of grief or miracle, or anything simple, like how the day had been or what you had for dinner. everyday i find myself waking up to a boy with a sun in his eyes, how his smile makes me feel the warmth of a thousand and one suns. his laughter - no matter how soft nor boisterous - i find myself getting lost in; even making my nighttimes bright, very bright. often times i find myself staring (if i'm not the one being stared at), and thought, where have you been all my life?
if i were to make a wish, i'd maybe say that.. as selfish as it may sound, i wish that we wouldn't have to wait 20+ years to find each other and just have you ever since the start. as i may have told you, i couldn't ever stand the thought of being in a world where you aren't present, because it's far too unbearable. i've always thought that it was touching.. having to belong to someone who just as much wanted you to be in their life, too. how you were able to make my soul crawl out of its hiding place is a mystery i wouldn't dare unravel.
i remember reading somewhere that, no matter how much relationships you've been to, when you finally thought that you've found the "right one" - we begin to suspect that there is no "right one", just different flavours of wrong within a sea of people. with some recollection and sparing enough thought, you'd ask, "why is that?" because we ourselves are also wrong, in some way, and we seek someone who is also wrong in a complementary way. it takes a lot of living, however, to determine how this happens; and just until when you're able to run up against our demons, undeciphered pieces of thought that makes us think what we truly are - that we're ready to find who might be fitting enough to be called our other half, someone whom we've been waiting for. not just the "wrong" person, but the "right-wrong" person - someone whom you can lovingly gaze at and think, "this is the problem i want to have."
that's what i first thought, when i ponder about the privilege of having you in my life. you were the special person who is wrong for me in all the right ways possible; how we took these past months as a time for our scars to fall in love.
it wasn't just your face, but your expressions; not just your body, but also your actions. not just your voice, but the things you say; and not just because of the fact that you exist, but how you live - how it's been making me feel some sort of way. (you can probably hint that i'm trying to make a rhyme here but i miserably failed- HAHA.)
you are beautiful, in all ways possible.
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