Yeah, I read boobs

I can’t believe I finally finished this fucking trilogy and HOLY SHIT this book was. A ride. A wild wild ride. I cannot put into words how utterly stupid, bad, and unintentionally hilarious and entertaining this book is. Drama after drama unfolds, none of it really sticks or is really connected to... anything. There’s actually quite a bit of action, but since the main characters are so hateable and nothing connects to anything it feels almost like some sort of terrible action movie. But I understand... books are hard to write and how do you write a good conclusion for a terrible series? 

Well, you don’t.  

Now, is this book more hilarious and entertaining than Hades? In some ways... yes. Yes it is. However, unlike Hades, which was just hilarious throughout for the most part, this book does have some incredibly boring and just painfully stupid parts that remind me of the entirety of the first book. 

Heaven goes out of its way to cram even more religion down your throat. It tries to be even more offensive than the previous books combined. The author tries so so so hard to make these bland characters get on soapboxes as much as she can so they can spew utter nonsense about everything in general. This book is homophobic:

“Marriage is an indissoluble covenant between man and woman” -Gabriel 

(Yes the above is a direct quote)

It’s also transphobic: 

“Billie?” “No way, she’ll be gender confused.” 

(They’re discussing baby names. So I guess if you’re a (cis) girl and named... Billie or Riley you’re gender confused according to this author. As if that’s how it works at all) 

Aaaaand like the last book, the only PoC character is a black angel who’s the main villain. He’s also the only actual attractive character in this mess as well. I guess it’s good she... finally gave her meager PoC character an actual ethnicity? Hemiel is described as being black while Asia, from the last book, is just dark-skinned and ambiguously PoC. Of course, this is a double-whammy here... only Hemiel’s race is described throughout the entire book. And he’s the leader of the group of antagonists. Of course.  Instead of just writing in PoC as people or just not touching the matter and allowing people to imagine the characters however they wished, all the PoC characters in this series (which amounts to two...) are honed in on and specified having a darker skin tone.

I also feel as if this book is offensive to like... every normal Christian out there? Like the Christianity in this book is Evangelical and just. Makes it sound like the whole religion is full of lunatics.

Like I can’t find any way this book isn’t offensive. It’s offensive to Christians and people of other faith. It’s offensive to LGBT+ people. It’s offensive toward PoC. It’s offensive toward domestic abuse survivors. It’s offensive to neurodivergent people. It’s offensive toward Southerners who think people down here are... like that. It’s offensive to both women and men as well. Like, this book holds no punches in it’s freezing cold takes and wrongness. 

However, despite all of the above, I could not be bothered to be offended at all during this book. Now, I am an utter goblin and fall under many of the categories above, and I can understand why someone may get offended by this book. But I myself did not get offended. For one, it’s obvious the author is trying to be as “edgy” as she can be with the above. Why else would she go out of her way to preach every few pages, after all? 

And it really does feel like she, the author, is preaching her beliefs to us during these moments. The shallow “story” grinds to a halt almost every time the characters get on their soapbox for anywhere between a few paragraphs to a few pages. 

Rather than give an actual review about the entire book... I’m just gonna. Explain the plot. Because honestly everything I said about the last two books carried over. Actually, arguably, even though this book had more action than Hades, it is a technically worse book. I found several spelling and grammar mistakes, the pacing was atrocious... although better than the first book, none of the events were connected in any way and had no significance on one another. They didn’t really build up to any conclusion, relevant character development, or form any sort of detailed plot. 

However, that being said, this book does have a plot. A thin one that makes little sense and goes everywhere and one where the subplots aren’t even tied up at the end, but one nonetheless. 

Spoilers abound if anyone actually cares!!

In Heaven, Beth and Xavier decide to get marry. Even tho Beth recognizes signs around town that means hey this might not be a good idea she ignores these signs since she’s an incredibly selfish dunce. The priest who marries them is murdered for committing the sin of marrying an angel and a human together (?) and now Beth and Xavier are on the run from a group of angels known as “The Seven” who act as police. Due to God being Too Busy with Godly Things, The Seven go completely out of wack and become utterly obsessed with returning order... which means breaking their marriage I guess. 

Of course, the above sounds stupid and makes little sense. There is no real reason on WHY angels and humans can’t marry. Like the previous books, there wasn’t any real reason why they couldn’t date either. It’s unexplained. Furthermore, that murdered priest? Yeah, Beth says it’s not her or Xavier’s fault since “they didn’t know they would be punished” yet... time and time again they were told that even dating was forbidden and barely tolerated AND on top of that she was warned with numerous signs that marrying may be a bad idea... so no she’s an idiot and it IS her fault. And honestly? Reading about an angel coming to terms with being the cause of death for someone innocent would have been interesting... but that would require Beth taking responsibility for her actions and stop being a selfish and whiny bitch... which is impossible. 

After that her and Xavier go on “the run” which isn’t even on the run. They hang out in a cabin for a couple of chapters and whine about how they can’t fuck and how bored they are even tho, you know, it’s their own faults for getting into this mess at all. So much weight is put on marriage and I just... don’t get it. I am someone who doesn’t really want to marry anyone and if I did, it would only be for the benefits. I really don’t care about marriage at all, personally, so I just don’t get why it’s such a big deal here. I get it’s part of the religion... but still. Now, if the concept of marriage was explored in any significant way, that would’ve been interesting to read. But it’s not, so let’s move on. 

After being caught by the Seven after doing Stupid Shit, they go to college because...? Sevens rely on their smell and with so many humans around it will mask it? Yeah, lame and contrived excuse to force the characters to go to college. 

The college section of this book is one of the most boring and pointless. It consists of Beth hating on other girls, girls only talking about sororities and boys, and feels like a scene taken from a cheesy movie. It’s completely and utterly unrealistic and cringy; completely painful to read. Here, Beth and Xavier pretend to be siblings... which is disgusting considering this is where they decide to fuck in the woods (which is written SO BADLY I can’t even. Like... for real bitch starts waxing poetic about how she feels she’s in an underwater magical world while getting dirt and grass up her ass I don’t get it) anyways they pretend to be siblings while alone they are husband and wife and it’s so... gross... like you KNOW it’s not incest since they aren’t ACTUALLY related but STILL it makes me feel dirty to read. (And also makes me question if the author has an incest kink bc I mean really....)

Anyways, ofc they’re eventually caught by Beth’s roommate? Who fell in love w Xavier bc the need for drama demanded it and ofc she is disgusted. To hide themselves, Beth grows s k i n over her mouth and then f o r c e f u l l y wipes her memories... and again, claims she is still moral and good doing so since her “hand was forced” 

Now, is this an interesting moral dilemma that could be explored? Of course it is! And because it is, it’s not explored at all, the book assumes Beth is in the right and the reader agrees, and moves on like nothing bad happened. No lasting consequences happen due to this. 

Speaking of... Beth’s character is so radically changed she feels OOC. It’s like the author wanted to have character development but not do any of the actual work at all. She acts like the baddest bitch around and complains that she’s world weary from “all the trauma she’s been through” but it comes out of nowhere? Like she’s still whiny and selfish and annoying. She still acts like a little girl and that the whole world owes her. She ain’t a badass and I dunno why the book is trying to convince us she is. 

Anyways, after THAT fiasco MORE drama hits the fan as the Sevens find them due to them Being Stupid and also Fucking In The Woods and stage what is basically a poor and tasteless terrorist attack in the lecture hall. Now, I do wanna note Heaven is a book that is several years old now... and the author is Australian, but that’s no excuse for the piss-poor mismanagement of a terrorist attack shown in a college campus. 

Now, that being said, this terrorist attack is by the Sevens, who manipulated memories to make it seem like this is what it was... I think... it is very unclear. Someone even dies during this... actually two people... heh

Either way, Hemiel is introduced, he’s shown to be a Horrible Angel with No Empathy and the students ofc freak out and hide under their desks while the room is trashed as they try and root out Xavier and Beth. Hemiel is trying to separate them by either dragging Beth back to Heaven or killing Xavier... and they do manage to succeed this time around!

YES, XAVIER DIES

Well, kinda. I was SO SHOOK when this happened I got EXCITED like could you imagine if Xavier died and the rest of the book is Beth hunting his soul down in Heaven while also looking at her own relationships and exploring the concept of death for a universe that has shown us death is not the end? Yeah, that doesn’t happen ofc but it would’ve been cool. 

Anyways, Xavier sadly doesn’t stay dead. Beth’s sister, Ivy, brings him back even THO SHE SAYS SHE CAN’T she does so anyways because ??? plot armor. But it was fun reading about him being dead. That being said, more problematic stuff pops out here, ofc. Beth threatens to kill herself if she can’t be with Xavier which is just.. not even gonna touch that with a 10-foot pole, honestly. Because yikes. 

Anyways, after pages of the author deciding to take the pussy way out, Xavier comes back except he’s not alone in his body.... because you see...

dun dun DUN Lucifer is back! And he has possessed Xavier! To get... revenge on them killing Jake Thorn, his son! 

I think this is the part of the book where the author realized SOMETHING from the last book needed to carry over to make this an actual trilogy? So on top of having Sevens and Not-In-The-Know College campus girls as the antagonists, we also need to throw Lucifer onto the mix. And he isn’t even the LAST antagonist to be introduced to this book!

This is why I call it the Spider-Man 3 of books, people. There are at least 4-5 different villains in this book and it is ridiculous. This is also why none of the events feel connected. There’s too many antagonists and honestly? You could cut out this entire portion with Lucifer out and nothing would change. It’s just a page-waster. 

That being said, this entire section was the most hilarious and fun to me. I enjoyed Lucifer a LOT in the last book and here he doesn’t disappoint! He calls Beth a whiny bitch to her face which is honestly... a wholeass mood so yeah. 

Beth, Gabriel, and Ivy tie down Lucifer to a bed in a basement of a house they so happen to own which is kinky I guess and a standoff kinda happens? Lucifer is too strong of a demon for the angels to exorcise since they’ve been weakened fighting Sevens or something and Lucifer wants to stay in Xavier’s body to take revenge on him and the angels. 

Which... okay. See, this starts turning stupid as then Gabriel and Lucifer start waxing poetic and debating about... the morality of Lucifer’s fall from Grace? I just... more bible shit... whyyy and it could have been interesting if we cared about Gabriel or if Lucifer was a real character rather than just “big bad” but blehh. Jake Thorn makes a return as a wraith briefly to develop a deal between Beth and Lucifer to get Lucifer out of Xavier’s body or something and it’s honestly so pointless. This entire scene is pointless. There’s so many plotholes it’s painful. 

And thing is, if the author kept the big bad of the series to just Lucifer, this right here is a great starter to a different book. But for some reason, she changes villains every book. Fuck, she changes the villains in this book every few goddamn chapters! This is why nothing feels concrete in this book and why nothing sticks, nothing feels important, and events have no weight. This book feels serialized. Like a monster-of-the-week sort of story that encapsulates multiple episodes of some tepid and poor Supernatural ripoff. And I never even watched Supernatural. 

After this event, everything goes downhill fast. Mainly ‘cause this is the last time we see Lucifer. He just kinda leaves after this section, doesn’t come back, and is barely thought of. The only reason why this entire section of this book is here is because Lucifer agrees to leave Xavier’s body if Gabriel’s wings are cut off? Thing is, his wings aren’t even cut off, they’re just badly damaged. But if you needed Gabriel’s wings to be destroyed for Plot Reasons... just have the Seven’s damage them? Like why drag an entire random ass character and this entire random ass scene into it?

See? Nothing makes any gd sense! The author just wanted to write this scene ‘cause she wanted to... not because it would make sense to put in. And Xavier barely has any trauma from the fact he was possessed by the greatest evil of the world. He watches a game of football, has sex with his wife, and is pretty much completely fine after that. Yikes. That’s not how... people work? At all?

Anyways, Gabriel getting his wings damaged means he’s now Emotional TM since idk pee is stored in the wings? Actually, an angel’s version of a soul and he then confesses his love for Molly, Beth’s friend from hs who is now in an abusive relationship w the head of a growing cult. I WISH I WAS JOKING

Like. What was the author SMOKING when she came UP with this stuff. Anywyas, all that happens is more waxing poetic about love and Gabriel acting OOC and then soapboxing about Christianity and cults or something. Then Later they all rescue Molly from her initiation into the cult by her fiance and since she’s separated from him, she can have no trauma now because she was rescued!! Ain’t that just GREAT!! And now she can be with Gabriel!! Silly Molly, for even FALLING for a cultist anyways!! Yeah, this point of the book just.... whyyyy what is the pooooint whyyy does the author need to put in her two cents about DOMESTIC ABUSE!! NO ONE ASKED!! NO ONE. Maybe because people complained Beth and Xavier’s relationship was shitty and had abusive traits so she had to put in a more dramatic abusive relationship to show that there’s isn’t? But Molly being in an abusive relationship with a cultist doesn’t... magically mean Beth and Xavier’s unnatural obsession w one another is healthy. You don’t-can’t- compare abuse. Or at least you shouldn’t. It’s not a fucking pissing game. 

Anyways, after that fiasco, which again has no real trauma or emotional impact on... anyone? They go back to Venus Cove after being caught AGAIN by Sevens at the college campus. Xavier is revealed that he’s... part Angel? Because Ivy blessed his mother to give birth to him and he was destined to cross paths with Beth or some shit? It’s all convoluted and stupid, honestly. There is no point to this besides giving Xavier a magical way to combat the Sevens in a scene because silly Beth is a womyan and she can’t defend herself and her HUSBAND against ANGELS of course not!! She needs a man to help her!! Also... I guess for more drama? I don’t know I’m just perplexed at this point. 

They go back to Venus Cove because ?? Beth and Xavier are finally cornered and Beth is forced to go back to Heaven. She’s put with a therapist called Eve. More grossness about therapy and misinformation about mental institutions is inbound. Eve is the last of the villains introduced and it doesn’t even matter. Beth can’t stand Heaven without Xavier and goes to get help from Emily, Xavier’s dead gf who he lost his virginity to which is info We Didn’t Need or Care About. Her and Beth argue some, Beth is a bitch, but she’s like that to everyone in the book so whatever. She meets with a friend who was once a Seven who introduces her to some RANDOM ANGEL who HAPPENS to run an UNDERGROUND REBELLION against the Sevens that cuts wings off of angels who want to be human?

And this doesn’t go against God because ??? I have NO Idea because the author doesn’t want it to and God already knows about them and is ok w it and the political unrest in Heaven I guess? God the contradictions are piling up. THIS MAKES NO SENSE AND COULD BE A BOOK ON ITS OWN

Also why were we wasting time with Beth in the first book when there was ALL THIS happening on in the BACKGROUND apparently?? I don’t know nothing makes any sense. 

Anyways, her wings are cut off, she says goodbye to Heaven and falls, lands on the beach of Venus Cove. Her old friends walk by talking about exposition in the 2 years she’s been gone but doesn’t see her somehow? I guess this exposition is supposed to tie in subplots but it doesn’t and also doesn’t matter. 

Beth goes back to Xavier, they have a reunion, and are alone now in the house since Ivy and Gabriel aren’t even there they went off somewhere to do Things I guess and it doesn’t matter. She’s human now and has a belly button and everything so now they can grow old and die together the end.

If it isn’t clear by now.... this book has a problem with basically everything. From a technical standpoint it’s an utter nightmare. In some ways, even worse than Halo since this book also has a tone and mood problem. The story jumps ALL OVER THE PLACE and does a poor job at mixing the supernatural parts and the human parts together. Revelations are made that have no bearing on anyone or anything. Drama happens and so do traumatic events but no one is really impacted by... anything? Beth is always in the right even if she does terrible things, poor her and Xavier, their life as rich white people is so hard since their love isn’t accepted or recognized by Heaven :( let me play the world’s smallest violin for them. 

Seriously. No self awareness or critique. At all. 

I don’t know what else to say about this book. I think it should be evident in everything ELSE I’ve said. Writing? Bad. Plot? What plot? Bad anyways. Characters? Godawful. Too many. No direction, no pace, nothing. This book feels like a churned out mess probably because it is. I don’t even wanna ASK how this got published because the answer is simple; money. 

Either way, I am BLESSED to be done with this series. As hilarious as Hades and Heaven are, I wanna go back to reading REAL books, thank you very much. 

Also, I am so sorry Spider-Man 3. I am so so sorry for comparing you to Heaven. That is a straight up insult and I take it back right now. Because I don’t think anything is comparable to Heaven. 

Why I Picked Throne of Glass Up

So. A year or two ago I wanted to get back into reading. Due to a lot of issues and things in my personal life, I completely stopped reading for pleasure during my Sophomore year of high school, which meant I had stopped reading for... about 4 years? Which made me really upset as I had always been an avid reader! And since I was getting really passionate about writing, I figured I should get back into reading.

So I made a post on tumblr asking what YA books people recommended. I had been reading YA when I stopped reading (well... a mix of YA and MG, but mainly YA) so I figured that’d be the best place to start. 

Numerous people recommended me different things, but one anon recced Throne of Glass to me. It was a fantasy (a genre I mentioned liking in my post) and they told me that though they hadn’t read it themselves, they had a friend who adored the series and that it was really popular so it was probably pretty good. 

The. Really popular bit made me nervous, but nevertheless, I went onto Amazon. Bless me, actually, because I decided I’d try and read the little promo Amazon gives you before buying it.

I DNF’d it after half a page. I had never DNF’d a book so fast and so hard. The first time, what made me DNF this book was Celaena complaining about her looks while being in a prison. Like... girl...... priorities.... 

Months later, I started seeing people talking about this book a little as I got back into reading. Getting curious, I read some reviews, both bad and good, and decided to give this book another shot.

It was as bad as I thought it would be, if not worse. 

The Premise (What was this?)

Honestly, I still don’t really know what I read. What even is Throne of Glass? What is life, in fact? What is the universe? I don’t know, but I feel like I’d figure out the latter two questions before I figured out the first. 

So. The premise, or basic story idea of ToG is basically... Cinderella... mixed with Assassin’s Creed... mixed with the Hunger Games.... I dunno about anyone else but when people describe a piece of media to me as a mix of two or more random-ass things, I start getting nervous.

But honestly I have no idea how else to describe Throne of Glass. I couldn’t tell what this book wanted to be! And that was really what fucked me up. It wanted to be a big epic fantasy. It wanted to be a mystery. It wanted to be about girls in pretty dresses kissing pretty boys and having to choose between them. It wanted a princess aesthetic but with a character that has to be nasty to be an assassin. ToG, to me, is a long book of wants that didn’t deliver. 

But said that, nothing was as poorly thought out as the plot. The plot is what confused me most, ground me to a halt, and said, “wait, what?”

Okay, the plot is basically Celaena joining this competition to win her freedom to become the king’s champion. Only issue is... a king’s champion is a real thing. And is something for mainly knights if I recall.

Back in the olden days of yore, when kings needed to fight against one another, or if someone wanted to challenge the king to a duel, they would have a champion to fight in their stead. If you’re a king, you don’t wanna fight your own duels, that’d be nuts! What if you died?! Then what would happen to your kingdom? That’s what a champion was for. 

The champion is basically chosen/hired by the king. The thing is, what Celaena is... describing is well. Not a champion. Not really. I mean... I guess it’s kinda champion-like? It’s really vague in the book and it boils down to “you do dirty work for the king” so basically a hitman?

Thing is... the king is a king... why doesn’t he just hire an assassin? One who hasn’t been caught (looking at you, Celaena!). I mean, in the long run, that would be a lot cheaper than hosting a giant competition with a bunch of criminals who aren’t loyal to you, who will turn on you at any moment, and can’t be trusted? I mean, just ‘cause he has them swear to be loyal to him don’t mean jack shit, c’mon. 

The entire plot of this novel falls directly apart as soon as you know what a king’s champion is! And honestly, the fix to this would be so easy. You could still have the competition, but instead make it between knights or wannabe knights or something. Have Celaena be a knight instead. She acts like it anyways; being all brash all the time and desiring the center of attention 24/7. Or if you really want her to be an assassin, fix her fugly personality and have her be an assassin pretending to be a knight.

And the king being “”crazy”” isn’t an excuse. Using crazy as an excuse is... one kinda insulting and gross and two, lazy. It means nothing and is a cop out at this point. Also, he did nothing in this book to seem crazy to me, really. He’s an asshole and abuses his kid but... besides that he’s basically nothing. He’s an evil king. He doesn’t even have an actual name. That’s how bland he is. There was no thought put into him at all. And again, this too could have had an easy fix. Rather than saying he’s crazy to excuse his nonsensical actions, all that had to be said was: he and his court want entertainment. That’s it. That would have given the competition the perfect excuse to exist in the first place. Sure, it’s not the most interesting of reasons or anything, but it’s better than the book being completely silent of why there’s a competition in the first place. Why does a king need a competition? Why between criminals who will stab him in the back? It’s never explained and it’s dumb. 

God. There are SO many ways where ToG could’ve been better. Just. Better in general. There is so much lost potential here with the plot, which is where half my frustrations come from. 

So. The premise falls apart after thinking about it for over .2 seconds. The second part of the actual plot of the novel (well, at least what’s described on the back of the book, not what I actually got) is a mystery. But... this mystery is really cliche. Someone taking out the competition. Wow. Never seen that before. 

Also, I did spoil myself the ending to see if my guess of who it was was correct and welp. Winner winner, chicken dinner! It was indeed Cain. As soon as he swaggered on stage, and the narration hated him, and Celaena hated AND was a lil racist towards him, I knew it was him. His detailed magic ring and the fact he kept getting bigger apparently every time we saw him also clued us in. There was less foreshadowing in this book and more “beating you over the head with a Cain.”

Also, none of the other members of the competition really got... anything? Most were unnamed or Celaena dismissed them right away. Why even have these characters in the book if they aren’t even gonna be named? I get it’s a big cast, but still. Hunger Games was able to do the bare minimum of this, I mean at least all the tributes had names. Big casts are hard to write, so why not shrink it down a little? It won’t affect the story, in any case. 

So instead of a cool mystery and badass competition, the premise of the competition fell apart, was mainly summarized and not seen from what I read, and in general the tasks were boring. No real fighting, nothing with a lot of tension or excitement. Just boredom. The mystery wasn’t even lukewarm. It was ice cold. I don’t even really know what the pages were filled up with... random bantering that told us nothing more about the characters than we already did. Celaena not knowing what guy to choose. Her wearing pretty dresses. Her reading and playing the piano. Her shittalking about girls with this other chick. Just. the most random stuff. It was fluff. Which is fine. I like fluff! I like pretty dresses and romance and all that!! But not in a book that promised me a MURDER MYSTERY and ACTION. 

Maybe the action would’ve picked up if I kept reading. But something tells me... not so much. If excitement doesn’t happen before the rough halfway point of your book, something is wrong. At least, to me it is. 

The Writing

A lot of people thought the writing was pretty it seemed. Numerous negative reviews praised the writing. I admit, there were some pretty quotes in there. But most of it was clunky and reminded me of Eragon (not good) or just. Laundry list. I can’t pull up the quote right now, I don’t have the book, but I remember when the library was shown to us, the narration just listed everything inside in a sentence with commas. The same was done in the king’s chamber besides a little extra detail on the fireplace. None of the descriptions of the settings were any good.... and neither were the pretty dresses! It was just “this dress is cut bad” “the fabric is ugly and feels bad” and such. What was the fabric made out of? What cut was the dress? There were so many little things like this that bothered me throughout the writing. 

Lots of filler paragraphs that led to nothing were everywhere too. Sentences that danced around world building were common too. Again, don’t have the book, but at one point Chaol and Celaena were discussing books they liked and instead of name dropping some titles, giving us an idea of what sort of books these two like to read, it was just “Chaol listed some titles to Celaena. Celaena nodded approvingly” or something like that. Lazy. Boring. Pointless. Filler. 

There was so much filler writing in this. And so much... passive writing. Especially when Celaena was traveling to the castle and beyond. “Celaena felt” was used so often that I nearly started counting how many sentences began with that. Sometimes, yes, telling is alright. But SHOW us how she feels! Don’t tell us she finds the castle breathtaking but daunting or whatever! Show us! What’s her expression look like? Her body language? What is she thinking?  The moment she saw the castle was supposed to be powerful and tense but it wasn’t because the writing was passive when it shouldn’t have been. Passive writing isn’t the worst thing ever, but where the writing would’ve benefited from being active, it was passive instead, which also made the book a kinda bland read on a technical level. The writing stayed the same throughout. Sentence length wasn’t played around with much, sentence type didn’t change much. The only stand-out pieces were mainly dialogue.  

I like active writing. I like an active writing style. Throne of Glass was passive. And you know what? I get it. I write in third person too. It’s hard.

But writing is hard. Publishing is even harder. This is a published book and I expected better, especially with how popular it is. 

And yes, this is a debut novel. I kept telling myself that when I was reading this. But... I’ve read better debuts. I’ve read better fanfictions online. This is a New York Times best seller and a favorite of many. It should’ve been better.

The (little) Things I Liked

Gonna bullet point all this, hope none of you guys mind~

Celaena being feminine and proud of it. Haven’t really read a character like this yet and as someone who is writing several proud feminine characters, it was nice to see

Chaol. Just him in general. Best character and I loved him. 

SOME of the banter was pretty fun.

That one scene with Celaena working out in her room was A Good TM

Some of the one-liner descriptions were pretty good and I enjoyed them. 

I actually liked some of the traveling bits in the beginning. I thought it would skip straight to the castle but we got to savor a little in the journey there. It was nice (tho it went on too long and got annoying and boring to read)

The (many) Things I Disliked

A longer bullet point list, hope you all are ready! I’ll try and go in a somewhat chronological order

The plot made no fucking sense

Dorian. The only Dorian in my heart is Dorian Pavus and also he was so one-note that I almost cried. 

The world building? The little world building that was like. Actually present was so bland... it read like Typical Fantasy. Listen. If I wanted Typical Fantasy I’d go play one of the many re-releases of Skyrim, okay?? 

Celaena was just unlikeable and her entire character was contradictory. She acted more like a mercenary for hire or a thug than an assassin. Assassins wouldn’t wanna be in the center of attention, people!

Also Celaena acted really dumb in parts and it made me cringe. 

Chaol as the captain of the guard made no sense. He’s too young!

In fact, Celaena as the best assassin made no sense. She is also too young. Also, if she got captured and is KNOWN, she is hardly the best. The point of being an assassin is...... being unknown... c’mon..... 

The tests. The back of the book made them sound really cool but they were just? Running around a track? Some softcore parkour? The archery contest actually made sense I guess but it would’ve been cooler if they were hitting like. Actual moving targets rather than just. Bulls-eyes. 

Also most the tests were just kinda brushed over? At least The Hunger Games was....  well most the book took place DURING the Hunger Games so like. 

The king had no fucking name what the shit who doesn’t name their fucking VILLAIN?!

Cain. Like. He was so stereotypical. I looked up to see if he would end up as the villain at the end and I was right, how disappointing. Also, naming your villain Cain is like.... idk... literally is there a single protagonist named Cain? Genuine question 

The girl hate. Like, I get that girls are people and not all girls are gonna get along or anything but like. There were throwaway lines that just made me roll my eyes and scrunch up my nose.

THE FUCKING GLASS CASTLE MADE ME SO MAD OH MY GOD WHY WAS IT THERE. And if the castle looks the exact same on the inside in the glass part as the stone part, what’s the point then? How is this nation, which is at war, have a glass castle? That thing is gonna shatter. How did they make it? Why did the king make it? The most we get is the implication is that he’s crazy but that’s.... gross for one and two, lazy. You know what would’ve been cool tho? If the king was just a zealot who worshipped his human gods to the point where he wanted them to always see his victories and be able to see him wherever he went, so he created the glass portions of the castle so he could be seen by his gods the entire time. I thought of that idea in the span of 10 seconds. Sigh. 

AND I AM STILL ON THE GLASS CASTLE SHIT listen. If this was a whimsical fantasy and everyone went with it, I wouldn’t have SUCH a huge problem with it, tho it would still be kinda dumb (mattering on context...) but legit. Having your characters point it out doesn’t make them look smart, it makes the author look silly. “It’s a dumb idea, I know it’s a dumb idea, but I am going to write it anyways. For The Aesthetic” listen. We’re past the age of aestheticism. Let’s get our heads outta the 1800s, k?

Honestly there were descriptions but I couldn’t ever get a good image on what was going on, which is weird. All the descriptions were for like. More finer details? But the overall look of the entire world was just blank in my mind. I dunno how else to explain it.

So. Much. Filler. Celaena! Get outta your room and let us explore some! I can sit alone in my room myself irl, I don’t wanna read some chick do the same!

Same with the book shit. Like we could’ve gotten some amazing world building just based on the books Celaena read but whatever that was brushed over too??

Honestly a lot of reading ToG was like reading a textbook where words go through my eyes and their meaning seeps from my ears and I find myself 20 pages in but no idea how I got there and don’t remember a single word of what I read. 

The writing style for the fighting. When you write fight scenes or tense scenes, you want your writing to become choppier usually and sharp. It changes the mood and tone of the scene. The author just used the same flowing prose she had for the rest of the book, which was kinda dull. 

I wish we had seen the murders. I mean, the book is in third person and does switch POV at times! I wanna read some good blood, guts, n gore!

L O V E  T R I A N G L E  O F  H E L L 

I thought Celaena was supposed to be sickly?? But like after a few chapters in the book that’s like, forgotten, besides her throwing up after running? Why only after running? Why doesn’t she worry about this or her health much? Seriously her physiology makes no sense. 

Celaena’s mental health is also questionable. She’s completely fine after being tortured for a year and in a death camp and only has bad nightmares every once in a while?? That ain’t how PTSD works. Seriously what was going on in her head? What was the author trying to portray? You don’t do this shit half-assed. Either throw yourself into the research or go the Harry Potter route. 

There is one character who is fat and he is ofc, a terrible person (I am talking about Dorian’s younger brother, ofc. Sigh. And yikes)

Celaena sometimes talked and acted like she was younger than what she actually was?? I think being childish was supposed to be part of her personality but it doesn’t mesh with her being an assassin. Unless she was doing it on purpose as an act. But she obv wasn’t so......

Yulemas. Honestly, I put the book down around when it was mentioned. It’s a dumb name and I can imagine what sort of celebration it is. 

The timing and pacing of this book is weird. The king needs to learn what an itinerary is. I think it’d help him out. 

 Why I Put Throne of Glass Down

Mainly for two reasons: one I had just bought some books at the library and wanted to read those instead. I just wanted to read a good book again. The second reason is just as simple: I was incredibly bored. 

There was just so much filler for me. Characters talking about random stuff, walking around, trying to figure out a mystery I figured out as soon as the first murder actually happened. It was all so boring to me. 

And then... Celaena started suspecting Nehemia. Her only friend in the castle.

I dunno why that did it in for me. I think it’s because I didn’t wanna sit through at the very least 50 pages of one of the poorest red herrings I have ever stumbled across. I can (somewhat) deal with a book that promised me action and gave me bad romance with pretty girls and boys. I’ll complain a lot, give it a bad rating most likely, but I can finish books like those. What I can’t deal with is a clear waste of my fucking time. At that point, I was already 99.99% sure Cain was the bad guy. I was already tired of Celaena in general since she is such an unpleasant character for me to read. I did not wanna sit through a plot point that just insulted my intelligence and made the book all the more longer than it has to be. I have no idea how someone can make a book this bland and boring so long. I honestly cannot understand how I got pretty much 50% of the way in, and feel like I have moved nowhere when it comes to the characters and the plot. I don’t know how I could be pretty much halfway through this book and feel like not a SINGLE action scene has happened. (Yes, I know there have been actions scenes, but I didn’t like them or the way they were written. They weren’t exciting for me.)

All this realization just kinda came crashing down on me with Celaena suspecting Nehemia. And I was quite done with all of it.

Maybe the book would’ve picked up. Maybe the entire premise, story, characters, and writing style could’ve changed in a single page flip. But I seriously doubt that. 

I’m tired of wasting my time with books I am not enjoying. If I’m gonna read a bad book, I at the very least want it to be entertaining.

So. I am still testing out review styles, but so far I like breaking things up into sections. However, for this review, I’m gonna add a 6th section---plot. So the sections will be as follows: Writing, Characters, World Building, Plot, What I Liked, and What I Disliked. Since this is a sequel, I will also be comparing it to Halo. 

I also wanna put out a full disclosure: I enjoyed this book immensely in a completely ironic way. In no ways do I think it’s a good book or would recommend it to anyone seriously. 

Writing:

Funnily enough, the writing for Hades was a hell of a lot better than that of Halo. Like with Halo, I had to read one chapter at a time. With Hades... well, I was able to read a lot more in a single sitting. So that’s always a good thing. I guess.

The writing was still bad. A lot of things were told to us and explained, as if we were dumbasses, and there is still an issue with telling and showing. The writing style was also very passive. 

HOWEVER compared to the first book, there was slightly less focus on mundane descriptions and such. I also didn’t get confused as to what anyone was saying or what the narrative was trying to go for, and most the descriptions weren’t as clunky as they were in Halo.

Still, Halo isn’t a hard bar to beat, but I am enjoying seeing the author improve. 

I also want to note: I noticed that a lot of the time, the author would take “impressive” thesaurus words and add -ly to the end of them and then add them to the dialogue tags. Tsk tsk. It was really distracting as these big(ish) words didn’t flow with the rest of the vocabulary of the book. Plus, using -ly with said is a really lazy way to write dialogue. 

Characters:

The characters do things. They do things and interact somewhat with the plot but also not really.

Honestly, we have the same cast as the last book. A couple of side characters were added---Big Daddy who I want to be my daddy if you know what I mean, Asia (who is Kinda Problematic and I will get to later), Tucker, and Hanna (who is also a super iffy character and kinda yikes??). And they. Existed. I don’t really know what else to say. 

Most the characters were boring and well. Kinda the same? Xavier was still Prince CisHet TM and just. Boring. Bethany was still annoying (tho slightly less annoying?) Funnily enough being in her head wasn’t all that bad this time around but she didn’t make me feel anything. It didn’t help that she wasn’t a very proactive character. She just kinda waited and sat around and was a damsel in distress (and yes, the book tried to address this, but went nowhere with it besides some lip service and one scene. Then she went back to being a damsel in distress). 

Gabriel and Ivy are as interesting as rocks. They don’t do much. Actually, if anything, I’d say they were pretty OOC in this book. I think the author was trying to develop them more and show us more of their badass sides... but it just made them come off as being OOC.

However, nothing compares to Jake’s character. Oh boy. Jake was never that great of a villain or a character, but this book just. Made him a complete pussy. I am not gonna sugarcoat it. He was absolutely spineless. His own real character traits were: He’s a demon! and also He’s creepily in love with Bethany! and yeah that’s about it. The narrative was really weird with him too. I never really hated him that much? But the narrative didn’t really romanticize him besides calling him beautiful a lot... but honestly every main character is called beautiful in this besides, so I don’t really take much stock in that. 

So. The old cast is as you would expect, with Jake Thorn being the one who got their character butchered. Let’s talk about the other characters. 

Big Daddy is Satan. Yup. Everyone calls him Big Daddy and HONESTLY it’s the reason why I picked up this book in the first place. He’s an older gentleman who wears a suit and is Super Evil I guess and honestly? 100% Daddy material I agree. I liked him a lot he’s my favorite character now. 

Also I guess he was the villain of this book? Kinda? I feel like he was set up to be the main bad guy of the next book but it’s hard to tell.

Next is Tucker who is a hunchback who helps Bethany out because she’s nice to him I guess? He doesn’t really do much besides help Bethany out a little so yeah. He doesn’t do much.

Hanna is like Tucker but like... helps and is even less of a character. We do get her backstory but it’s kinda. Yikes. Basically she was in Hitler’s Youth... which... I just googled this and well. History check! Girls weren’t allowed in Hitler’s Youth per se, but they had their own faction of Hitler’s Youth called “League of German Girls.” So yeah. Uh. Some wrong history there. Anyways she was friends with a Jewish girl who ended up at a concentration camp I guess? Or maybe her friend was a guy and she was in love with him... honestly I do not remember but that part isn’t super important. Basically she feels bad because her friend is getting hurt (which... I don’t think she would be at a concentration camp? If she was part of a YOUTH GROUP I am pretty sure only certain officers overlooked the camps...) anyways Jake Thorn was an officer at one of said concentration camps and she sold his soul to him to free her friend. Then her friend got gassed in a gas chamber anyways and yeah she was manipulated or whatever. 

So. I am not Jewish and I can’t really say if this is offensive or not but IT MADE ME FEEL A LITTLE GRIMY reading it, ngl. Also just... there’s a lot of wrong history here... like I’m not gonna fact check this entire backstory as I’d have to go back and reread it and don’t feel like searching for it, but it just. Reads wrong. Like historically wrong. Also idk I feel kinda. Gross that this character was once part of a branch of the Hitler’s Youth and that’s... not really addressed? Like Hanna said she did bad things in her past and regrets stuff a lot but it’s all very vague. I dunno. If you’re gonna add an ex-nazi character into your book you should probably... I dunno... be extra careful and actually address that? Not just ignore it? But that’s just me. 

And if you thought THAT was bad, wait till you meet Asia. Who reminds me a little of some OCs I have but in a bad way. 

Asia is the only POC character in this entire SERIES and is also a villain. She is sexualized a lot as well and is shown to be very sexual and demonized by it. Her entire motivation for being a villain and hating Bethany is because Asia was Jake’s “favorite” before Bethany arrived, so she’s jealous and catty about it. 

Basically, she’s every awful “slutty girl” trope rolled into one---sex is bad, she has confidence which is bad, girl-on-girl hate, wears a lot of makeup, and etc. you all know what I am talking about. And all that is pretty bad and disgusting, but on top of all that, she is the ONLY POC character in this entire book! She’s implied to at least be bi, and her name is freaking Asia. I cannot be the only one SEVERELY uncomfortable with all his. I am gonna give the author the benefit of the doubt and say she didn’t do this on purpose but god-fucking-damn this is nasty shit. I can’t even. 

Now, there were some other demon characters who popped up, but they were. Just names. Nothing else. interestingly enough, they also followed Asia in terms of well... grossness. They were all villains and were implied to be gay/bi by using stereotypes. One was also described as “effeminate” which doesn’t sound. Bad per se. But you see, this author is obsessed with gender roles. Like to the point where I feel she grew up in the 50s or something. All the villains who are guys are effeminate in some way---either because they’re thin or have a high voice, or whatever. With these implications also come the stereotypical traits of gay and bi men. And pairing that with the implications of the stereotype of bi women being slutty... it’s... not a pretty picture. It’s actually downright disgusting. Did no one beta read this book? Where there no sensitivity readers? I’m just. This stuff is so blatant I don’t even know what to say. I can’t say anything about the author as I don’t know her and don’t like throwing accusations around, but this book is quite homophobic and to an extent, transphobic as well. 

Anyways. The characters were shit. Besides Big Daddy. He wants to bring the apocalypse and is described as looking like a stereotypical handsome sugar daddy (with cowboy boots) and I can’t get enough of it. 

World Building:

The world building was just. There was none. The author confused Hell with... the Greek Underworld for some reason? The characters use Hell and Hades as if they are interchangeable and it’s... weird. Hades isn’t a place. He’s the Greek God of the underworld. It’s stupid. 

There are also other Greek myths mixed with Christian myths? Like there are 9 layers of Hell or whatever... but the rivers? Like the River Lethe is mentioned, but there is a lake that’s made up but it’s obv based off of greek mythos and it allows you to astral project (yeah. The lake of Astral Projection. That’s a thing here) and it’s all just... weird? And not well thought out or put together. It makes no sense. I think this book was trying to go for a Dante’s Inferno feel with the layers of Hell and the rivers (tho the River Styx was more of a marsh in Inferno iirc?) but it didn’t mesh well because a lot of the other aesthetics were just plain silly. 

This version of Hell also doesn’t really match Heaven at all. Heaven (in the first book and kinda in this one too?) is described as being... well kinda a place of pure essence and light. But Hell seems to have actual places and people with roads and cars and buildings... it’s kinda weird honestly. It doesn’t fit with the info of the world we already had. Also, Hell is basically like a Hot Topic. Everyone has piercings and dresses sexually and in dark colors and it’s just. Weird. Punishment was eternal clubbing (yup) and... this is why this added stuff doesn’t really fit with the stuff the author took from Inferno (which is a guess of mine I don’t actually have proof of that).  I mean, I guess I should be more angry about how this book wants to demonize people who dress goth/emo/alternative/whatever, LGBT people, arguably POC(???) as well... but it just didn’t make me that angry. It was so on the nose it just fell flat and was more hilarious to me than anything else. 

The one bit of world building I do like... which does lead into the plot... is that the portals to Hell around the world are created by tragedies and the loss of innocent life. Personally, I think this could’ve been expanded on, but it’s a neat idea. I also like the idea of demons constantly slipping out of these portals to wreck havoc and that’s why the angels have to go and get rid of the demons. Honestly, this series with a different author would’ve made a GREAT action series about an angel pairing up with exorcists to get rid of demonic possession... 

I’m rambling. Sorry. 

Interestingly enough, there was other bits of retcon too. Like in the first book, the angel wings were described as being folded together under clothes... and I talked in DETAIL why that can’t work. Here, it’s worded like the wings can... retract? Into the body of an angel? They are also described as being much bigger here--like 10 feet long and such. Which is slightly better I guess. Better than it being implied that the wings are as long as their torsos or whatever. 

However, also like the first book, the wings are pretty much forgotten unless a cool scene needs to be described or as a plot device. 

Anyways. There was one/two things I kinda liked here. Everything else was just... silly tbh and didn’t mesh well. 

Plot:

Believe it or not, but there is a plot here. Honestly, the fact that this book actually HAS a plot nearly bumped the rating up to a 2/5 stars. But then I remembered that a plot is a bare minimum expectation, so back down the rating went. 

Now, my main issue with Halo was the pacing and the plot. The book started off with well... a plot. An idea for a plot. Then all that was forgotten and it waffled around till the last 50 pages and everything was just crammed into the end. It was messy and a bitch to read through as it made no sense and hurt my brain. 

The pacing of the plot in this book is actually 100% better. I like to give credit where credit is due and for the most part everything ran together fine. The chapters focusing on Xavier, Ivy, and Gabriel trying to find Bethany were kinda a slog, especially near the end as the book nearly went into 3rd person limited as you forgot Bethany is actually witnessing them trying to find her, but whatever. 

There’s also actual plot points! And action! Like, Hades reads like a real book. A preachy and terrible book still, but it reads like an actual book with a beginning, middle, and end. Yay!

So the plot of this book is pretty stupid. Bethany’s friends complain that her and Xavier spend too much time together and it’s actually weird (I’ll get into that in a bit) and want her to spend more time with them. Bethany is then invited to a Halloween Party and indeed, she goes to spend time with her friends rather than Xavier. During this, they play with an Ouji Board and end up summoning spirits. More specifically, Jake Thorn, the antagonist of Halo.

Jake Thorn disguises himself as one of Xavier’s friends and tells Bethany that he’s hurt far away and that she needs to get on his motorcycle so they can save him. Bethany does so, then sees Xavier, and realizes she’s been tricked! But it’s too late now, a portal opens, and she is taken to Hell. 

Now. Everything I just said was really fucking dumb. Bethany is really dumb and everything her is just. Contrived. She was tricked into riding a motorcycle, like come on. She didn’t use half her brain to make decisions even tho she herself said she should! Also, as you can imagine, everything here was stereotypical. Catty and stupid girls, guys who can’t control themselves, alcohol, and it’s all a huge mess. 

After Bethany is taken to Hell, (I refuse to call it Hades), she is set up in a 5-star hotel and is given somewhat star treatment. 

Now, I get it. She’s there against her will and that no matter how pretty her cage is, it’s still a cage. I think that’s what the author was trying to go for. Thing is, it didn’t work at all! It merely came off as Bethany whining and all pouty because her rooms weren’t good enough. It’s silly. 

From there things just kinda... happened. Bethany made friends with some of the servants taking care of her. She snuck out to go swimming in the Astral Projection River and this plot device allows us to see Xavier, Ivy, Gabriel, and also Molly trying to look for her. 

The book is then split up into those two separate parts--Bethany in Hell and then her friends/family looking for her. Honestly, the bits where she’s in Hell is the most interesting because everyone hates her and spits on her and treats her like shit and honestly? It’s what she deserves. 

Jake is hopelessly in love with her and wants her to be his bride. It’s... I don’t know. He’s called delusional more than once and it made me somewhat uncomfortable. 

Gabriel and co. flounder around while Bethany angsts over how much she misses her family but especially Xavier and how he feels bad that he, A Manly Man, couldn’t protect her from hell (???) all I gotta say is: Straight people are WILD.

Multiple times through this book Bethany decides she won’t be a damsel in distress any longer. Which is good, I suppose, but this lip service feels exactly like that; like the author got some flak for making her girls weak so she wanted to prove them wrong. Thing is, even after Bethany says this, she still needs to constantly be saved either by men or by a dues ex machina.

And boy, is there a dues ex machina like no other near the end of this book. 

So Bid Daddy Satan wants to kill Bethany for being troublesome in Hell during her “wedding” with Jake and they decide to burn her at the stake. There is this HUGE buildup to it too it’s eye roll worthy. Then, however, she doesn’t burn and it’s explained that it’s because she’s an angel and that her “brothers and sisters are protecting her” thing is... SHE HAS STATED MULTIPLE TIMES and OTHER CHARACTERS HAVE STATED MULTIPLE TIMES that no angel has been in Hell before and that it’s Big Daddy Satan’s domain!! So this makes no sense!! This literally comes from nowhere and breaks the rules of the world!

After that terrible scene Bethany astral projects in a new prison so we can see what Gabriel and co are doing for a few chapters and its honestly really boring and dry. Since they’re useless to do anything despite being powerful angels supposedly, another angel had to come down and tell them where to go and what to do.

Jake Thorn tries to kill Xavier since Bethany tells him ONCE AGAIN that she will Never Ever Love Him. Jake Thorn promises not to kill Xavier as long as he’s allowed to ask her to do one thing for him. 

She says she will and ofc that one thing is “giving up her virtue” to him AKA have sex. 

So yeah. Jake Thorn becomes a rapist, tries to rape Bethany, she’s saved just in time by Xavier, and Gabriel and Ivy kill Jake Thorn, they leave Hell.

And then the book ends on a cliff hanger of Xavier proposing to Bethany and that’s it. 

I didn’t go over each and every plot point... just the really illogical ones. But there were a lot more stupid points believe me. 

Even tho this book had a pacing, had actual plot points, and there was a sense of... progression through it, it was still. Bad. The plot points were weak and not that creative, some were really boring to read, and others were just. Stupid and awkwardly put together. 

What I Liked:

There is very little of what I liked but welp let’s go

Big Daddy in general. Satan was great, love that guy.

Asia too since we were supposed to hate her.

The tragedies opening portals to Hell thing wasn’t a bad idea

Honestly reading this book gave me an idea of a book about a three person team of exorcists but one of them is an angel who helps them and honestly? I wanna read THAT book that would be SO MUCH COOLER 

Speaking of, there is an exorcism scene in this book and it’s honestly not bad? There’s some gore and violence and the scene is actually written Not Too Terribly but that’s about it. 

What I Disliked:

The villain is Jake Thorn mainly who is a Literal Nice Guy and now a rapist and honestly? It’s disgusting. You can make a bad guy a bad guy without making him a literal rapist come on. It was cheap, tacked on, and insensitive to the extreme. 

The way virginity in general is treated in this book is gross. It’s kinda an obsession and it’s... weird.

Everyone who shops at Hot Topic goes to Hell I believe? Silly 

Everyone in Hell is bi and likes partying. Yikes 

Asia, the only POC character, is named Asia in the FIRST PLACE and also is a villain bc of course. 

The writing is still really passive and poor for the most part 

Xavier is fucking annoying

The co-dependency I talked about in my Halo review is still here. Tho it’s somewhat called out in the beginning of the book by the girls, it’s not really followed up on and it’s never really shown in an actual negative light by the narration. Actually, that entire subplot is dropped. Sigh.

Bethany is still fucking annoying

The world building is pretty shitty for the most part tbh 

Reading this book made me think of other, better books I could be reading ngl so. 

Final Verdict:

I don’t really have too much more to say. A lot of the stuff I talked about in my Halo review still applies here. Really, the only thing this book did better was have an actual plot, as bad as it is. So yeah.

I’ll probably read the third book eventually. Maybe next year. Jesus. 

Tho this is one of the most entertaining bad books I’ve read, I still really despise it and all the terrible things it has in it as well as it’s terrible execution.