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I honestly feel thirsty.. my body is always aching.

September 24th, 2017

So I’m currently in Orlando, Florida. I’m sitting in the kitchen of our airbnb and it’s so peaceful and quite. I love it. The sun is setting outside, I just wish I brought my laptop so I could blog but my phone will do.

I’m far away from home and I realize that I actually miss my family. I don’t know how I would do it when I actually move out. But I guess it’s because I just feel like I know this isn’t my home so maybe it’s why I feel this way.

I haven’t been to Florida in over 3 years.. last time I came i was with estys family. It was a fun trip. I felt so relaxed. Why is it that he just fucking randomly pops in my head. Like one second I don’t think about him at all and then the next I do. I guess I just like his company but I don’t know.

But me sitting here in the kitchen has me extremely relaxed and I felt like blogging.

So I have been having baby fever lately. I have no clue why, but I really want one. Lol but let’s talk about like for a second. I saw Gabriel the past few weeks and when he’s with his gf he completely ignores me. Pero cuando esta solo he talks to me like he just didn’t give me the cold shoulder. I just look at him and he knows that I’m pissed. But when he walks in a room, I just want him to give me all the attention. To look at me the way he used too, I mean I like him but he needs to set his priorities straight. I mean idk. It’s weird. Maybe I’m just wanting to feel needed.

THE MOST EMBARRASSING THING HAPPENED THE OTHER DAY. So es and I were in his room fucking and I usually get loud, especially if no one is home. But we were going at it, I was just super horny yesterday and we fucked and finished up. So we are talking and goofing around and I pick up is blanket from the floor because he uses it to cover up the bottom crack of the door and then once I open it his parents are literally a few steps away from the door in his restroom. This was legit my reaction whenever I saw them 😳😳. I was so embarrassed. And I like fuuuuuuck. And es was like YUP they definitely heard you.

August 28, 2017

In all honestly I am not even sure if I even spelled that out right and I am not a big fan of tamales.

Well then i am trying to get back to doing this. Only because I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this. I feel like they are all annoyed with me about this which is fine I would be too honestly. 

Well lets begin then.... side note, my last post wasn’t really well written out because I did it when I was half asleep. BUT I am doing better in this one lol

Okay now lets really begin, so lately all I have been wanting to do is just lay in bed and bum out but not alone.. I’ve been just wanting to lay down with him and just relax but he hasn’t been letting me. The last time I did that was when I came back from Mexico (that exact day) we slept with each other and I stayed the night and that happened about a week and a half ago. I mean idk maybe he isn’t sexually attracted to me anymore. But then again I think that’s whats best. I noticed that he just doesn’t see me as that person anymore.. it hurts like hell. I’m at the point where maybe we should just keep our distance. I need to keep my distance. I know that whatever we have isn’t going to go anywhere and it’s officially time for me to move on. I need to work on myself before I can let anyone else in my life. 

Ugh, everyone is getting engaged, getting married or getting into relationships, having kids. And I’m over here blogging lol to be completely honest I miss California so much. I honestly fell in love with it. I am missing my family so much right now. I am so ready to get my life started and I just need to surround myself with different people and just go to gym and learn how to cook lol

The day I stop talking about him is when i know that my life will be better. 

Baby steps... alright obviously this post isn’t that great because of all the punctuation errors but whatever. 

Wow I am so bad at this. 

So its been a whole month since I lost blog, I suck at this. A lot has happened this month where do I even start.  So yesterday Peanut turned one! Which is cool, also Stephanie’s sister is in town which is also pretty cool too. So apparently we need to go out soon. 

My love life on the other hand has been sucky. Esty has been distant which is okay because it was bond to happen sooner or later. I just feel lonely now. Roger and I have been talking but every time I try to hang out he bails or something comes up. It’s annoying. 

My family was over too, I found out that I wasn’t the only pregnant one in the family.. it made me feel better. But I am going to mexico soon! I leave Thursday! 

7/1/2017

I really fucked up this time. So yesterday Esty got really upset with me because I yelled at him. At this point he hasn’t talked to me at all. I mean we argue all time and he usually gets over it but this time he hasn’t talked to me. I am so upset with not that but with myself for falling for it all over again. His little mind fucking games that  I always tend to run into again. I cried so hard and I cried even more because I’m a fool to believe that I thought there was even a little bit of hope of him and I getting back together. I feel so angry with the idea of us being happy again. When I am with him I have that moment where we are fine and nothing bothers me and then a slap of reality hit me and I realize that this is just temporary. He has a girlfriend, and karma is going to hit me hard for this. I guess this is what karma is doing now. I honestly deserve all of this. Maybe being alone is best for me. I don’t have time to play all of these games or worrying if the other person is cheating on me. I have to focus on me, and when the time is right it will happen. But right now I want to travel, and get into a university. 

Alright on the other hand, I am looking into getting into TWU! Fingers crossed that I get in and hopefully a scholarship or apply for financial aid. Mexico in 33 days! I AM SO EXCITED! 

Okay I feel a little better venting on here.  I tried to vent to my friends but they are all finally happy and everything is going well for them and I don’t want to ruin that. I tried texting Gabriel yesterday since he always knows what to say but since his army girlfriend came back he’s been super MIA, but then I realized he finally is happy and I couldn’t be happier for him. Also Ahmed got himself a girl! Which is awesome! I am happy that he is finally happy with someone. They are cute. Nelly is still going strong with Cesar, Kim is still engaged lol which is awesome. Allen is a cool dude. Maria is still going strong with her long distant relationship. So everyone is doing good and doing there own thing.

 June 23rd, 2017

So I need to start blogging more than once a week. I’ll try to work on that.

Any who, I am beyond excited for Mexico! I’ve been thinking about it all week and of all the places they are planning to take us. Fingers crossed that they allow my sister to go since she still hasn’t gotten her passport.

Well I’ve been hitting the gym again! So that’s exciting, trying to gain muscle again. And lean out. I liked going to the gym because it was little gateway but then Esty joined so that was something. I mean it’s cool that he joined but now I have to make sure that I don’t run into him if we were to stop talking because soon enough I am going to want to get into a relationship and that would require me to stop talking to him. I need to get my space from him. We are spending to much time together again. I’m trying not to over think it. 

Ugh my computer is acting up, its typing all slow. 

So I’ve been hanging out with Stephanie a lot more now which is awesome I missed hanging out with her but the only thing is that she’s been talking to Cesar again, and ugh I know i said that I despise cheaters but I can’t be judging or even be saying anything because I am the last person to be judging people for doing things that I did in the past. 

I told her that karma is a bitch and i hope she makes the right choices. 

I realize how all my friends are technically taken, Ugh. So the roger thing isn’t going to work out. He isn’t trying and something always pops up when we make plans. So i’m done with that. I think I’ll start dating next year.

Blah so I am going to cut this blog short because my laptop is acting up. 

June 16th, 2017

So I just realized that I dated the old post “may” instead of June... mi mal. Lol 

Any who, I have a few things that have occurred this week. Let start with my dream from yesterday. So I was napping and I had a dream that I was dating Esty again, and that I was looking for his profile on Instagram and that he had a picture of his girlfriend as his background? Which was weird. And I asked him about it and he said that he was just with her because he didn’t want her to harm herself, and bullshit like that. But I didn’t believe him, and he was like blowing up my phone with apologizing to me? And being super nice (so not like him) and I’m like wtf. And then (in reality) I was going to ask him to go grab dinner with me, and also in my dream he had asked me to go grab dinner with him. And then I realized that in real life I had asked him, but I was half asleep when I sent that. And then in my dream I got extremely nauseous. It was super weird. So moral of the story is that, I need to stop fucking with him. In which I feel like I tell myself all the time but my lame ass hasn’t done it yet. It’s been like this for over a year. WTF erika. I piss myself off. My ass is going to end up alone if  I don’t drop him. I always realize that I need better, and I deserve better. But at the same time I’m like, I’m a shitty ass person so I deserve this. 

Also what I realized while driving home from the gym, Oh! I’m starting to hit the gym again! I’m tired of seeing this blob. Anyways, I realized karma is already getting me... so i would always give excuses to Ahmed of why I couldn’t hang out and now it’s happening with roger.. like blah. I should honestly give up already. We are supposed to hang out this weekend. Pero aver que. At this point I’m not even getting my hope high anymore. 

Now, lets step away from talking about lames. I have been feeling so ugly lately. Like I just don’y like the way I look. I recently cut my hair (shoulder length) I love the way it looks but I don’t have the body to match it. And I have been getting a lot of looks that say “ehh it doesn’t look that great”. I mean I like it and that all that matters but at the same time those comments do get me at times. And I’m trying to work on my self confidence. But at the moment it’s at its lowest right now. I used to be pretty back then. But now I gained weight, with braces, glasses and a twelve year old hair cut.  I also got told I look like a ninja turtle... isn’t that some shit. 

May 8th, 2017

So, back at it again at the “spot”, and yes once again I am waiting for them. I’ve be beyond pissed if those fuckers don’t show up. This time I’d go off on those fools. Lets talk about the weather like the piece of shit person that I am, its actually really cool outside today. I am cold. lol

So I had a dream that Esty was mad at me. That I had made him made because one of Claudia’s friends had told him I was talking smack about him. And in my dream I had leaned in to kiss him but when I did he pushed back and said “wtf are you doing?! Don’t kiss me!”. Then he started yelling at me to leave and that I am a slut, blah blah blah blah. And at the end of the dream i was leaving his house and all mad he shut the door behind me and locked in. I then fell on my knees and I started to cry. Even in my dream I am a little bitch. Like really Erika? Blah I don’t want to feel like this but I do.

Today I helped him active a phone and when I active a phone to double check by calling the voice mail, and I called his voicemail and I saw that his girlfriend left him a voice mail. When that happened my mood automatically changed to content to sad. It kind of throws me back to reality all the time.

Is it bad that I feel so alone all the time? Like all my friends are getting into relationships and its awesome but at the same time it’s like I know I won’t be talking to them anymore.

June 6th, 2017

Shit I just noticed it’s June already. WTF. Seriously time is moving way too fast. TIME I NEED YOU TO SLOW DOWN.

So, I am currently at the “spot”, waiting for these fuckers to get here. In which I kind wish I would’ve gotten my ice coffee first. Blah, it humid as fuck out here and I’m not digging this. I wish I was in nice breezy weather. Last night while driving home from watching Wonder Woman (which btw is AMAZING!), and the nice breezy air outside and the way the clouds made the sky look, made me feel as if I were in Florida. Man do I miss the beaches there. But nothing compares to PR. OMG it’s about to be a year since I’ve been there. Man it was a wonderful experince going there. I want to go back and nap on the beach. 

I really am curious on where I’ll be in a year from now. Will I be in a university? I mean I’ve been looking up schools and things, I mean how incredible would it be to graduate and get my BA. I know i’ll do it. I just need to get my motivation back again. 

So back to Wonder Woman, man do I have lots to write about today lol. Well, in all honestly I didn’t think it was going to be all great, boy was I wrong. I freakin loved it! It was amazing. Woman power am I right? Dude it made me want to go back into wrestling, or at least join a new hobby. Just so I know that I can kick someones ass if need be. I hope that day does come, and when it does I’ll be ready and totally fuck them up.

Okay now to the serious part, soooo I saw Esty yesterday and it was cool we went to the mall and movies, and we had an awful dinner at applebees. Note to self, never go to the one in grapevine they are shitty. So after eating we decide to go take a nap, and of course I’m like fuck yes! Naps are always a yes. So we go but of course we end up having sex, but at first I just wanted to break down crying, and I didn’t want him to touch me at all. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me lame shit like, “I need you”, “I want you back”, “i love you”. UGH. I WANT TO SAY THAT I DON’T HAVE FEELINGS BUT THEN I’D BE LYING. It’s probably because I’m on my period honestly, I got really emotional on Saturday night, I was honestly super annoyed with myself at that point. I want to say I know where we stand as our “relationship”, but at the same time I don’t. I know at some point I’m going to have to stop having any contact with him and try to avoid him. Just because I know it’s something that needs to be done. And when that day comes, it will be very hard. 

Why do I do this to myself? Like really Erika? Get it together! At this point I’m fed up with myself, I don’t even tell people that I’m still talking to him because I already know the out come. 

Well, as i’m sitting here at the “spot” I just stare out at the airport thinking how easy it is to get up and leave, but I always have to think long term. The whole “what’s going to happen next?” . Don’t get me wrong  I want to leave this town and experience new things. It’s honestly money that’s holding me back. I need to save and find a job. I also want to finish school and get a career going. I look to my left and I see these two guys eating in and out, and it reminds me of when I landed in Cali at like 1 am and the first meal I had was In and out. WAB is better by a long run. Man I can’t explain how bad I miss it. But not just that but I miss the new feeling, of being in a place I know nothing about. 

Everyone always asks me “what’s so wrong about being here?”, “why do you want to leave so bad?”. Those questions makes me want to just buy the next plane ticket to a random place and stay for a year. In my head my response is, why wouldn’t you want to leave? If I had that golden ticker where I knew that I had a place, food, and transportation that I needed, I wouldn’t think twice. I would disappear until someone noticed that I am gone. Which I’m sure it’ll probably take about I say a week or two until someone finally notices that I am no long answering anything. 

I guess I’ll see what life has in store, and I’m also ready to leave this planet too. 

May 30th

LOL at my pun! (I know its fucking lame)

Anyways, I have so many damn typos on my blog. Did I even go to school? Like i’ve said before I just don’t care at this point. 

SO TODAY I DID IT. I finally asked him out. Even though I asked about 6-7 of my guy friends about how they would feel on a girl asking a guy out on a date. I only got one that said “it would be weird and that they wouldn’t like that”. But the rest of the guys they said it would be pretty cool for a girl to ask a guy out. But I know what I’m going to think once going back to read the previous post about me “not being ready for a relationship”, it’s one date. What harm could that cause? I mean who knows it may or may not work out. I deserve to have some fun too. Plus I’m single and I can do whatever the hell I want. It’s good to explore and see what my options are out in the dating world. 

I need to get back in shape asap, I’m at my worst right now and I need to get back at it. 

So tell me why I’ve been having baby fever lately? I guess ever since the topic was brought up I have been thinking about it a lot honestly. Like I have been constantly thinking what IF I kept it. What would I be doing right now? And to answer that I would be happy to have my jelly bean with me and hold her/him in my arms, but I wouldn’t have been happy. Like hanging out with Esty is always fun and full of laughs and so many lame jokes but I snap back to reality once in a while and see him on his phone and I know that he’s talking to her. It’s been so long since I felt like I was the only girl for a guy. For once it would be nice to feel like I’m in constant competition with another girl or girls. I want to feel wanted and appreciated and with him I haven’t felt that in a very long time. Like when we hook up its cool at the moment but I always feel empty, used and unwanted. Yeah I make it seem that I don’t care and that’ all I want but it’s not. I miss feeling like I’m wanted, not just for sex but just to have around and that they like having me around. I hope I get that feeling back soon, but for my future right now and honestly how I’ve seen it ever since I was younger I see myself in my own place alone (most likely with a dog) just laying on my couch just chillin watching movies on a Saturday night. I prefer that than going out to bars and clubs any day. 

Well I guess that enough touchy feelings for the night. I motivated my self to take not just one but TWO TEST tonight! So now I am going to watch Joe Santagato and go to sleep. Or I’ll probably end up on tumblr blogging things that are very accurate about my sad and boring life. 

Really trying to keep this up. It’s very helpful actually. I really like it. 

May 29th

Man have I been wanting to blog for a while. I’ve just been lazy to grab the laptop from my backpack to be honest. I’m a lazy piece of shit I know. I need to get back on my grind. I used to go to the gym all the time and now I just lay in bed all sad about worthless shit that honestly I just need to get over... but I talk all this shit and I don’t actually do it. 

Anyways other than being a big blob, life has been lame. Still single and lonely, exciting right? No I’m kidding, life is going well. Almost done with biology even thought I keep procrastinating up the ass. Blah, I don’t know where all my motivation went honestly. Like I just don’t feel like trying anymore. Honestly, I just want to sit here in front of this huge laptop and pour my feelings out but when it comes to it I HAVE NOTHING. Ugh. I’m sick of myself. 

I guess this post will consist of me talking mad shit about myself. Also, I failed miserably at not trying to cuss, but this is my blog and no one is ever going to read this so I’m the only person the judge myself.. lol. Oh god, I feel crazy just writing to myself. Like is that weird? That I type for awhile and I am talking and arguing with myself while doing this, like NO ONE is ever going to read this and if they do... yes I am crazy/psycho. Stop being my friend, 

Lets get something on somewhat (but not really) on the lighter side of life. So i realized that I am not ready for a relationship, I did a pros and cons list at work, how lame right? I mean I like Roger but hasn’t tried talking to me, or hasn’t really made the first move. I want to ask him out? I just don’t know what he’ll say... I mean i don’t know. But I should really get back to homework. 

May 23, 2017

So i’m not really sure how I feel about making this blog since I always tend to write on paper but I’ve been wanting to start writing again. Hopefully be able to keep up with this one. Lol 

I don’t even know how to start, uhmm I guess I can start with what happened on Saturday night. That night was one to remember. The moment those words left your mouth it kind of just stuck to me because I haven’t heard you say them in over a year. Those 3 simple but powerful words that can either make you the happiest person alive or make you realize how much you hate having feelings. Those simple 3 words that I keep replaying in my mind over and over again, I’m not sure if it was because you were drunk (in which I’m sure was the reason why) but just seeing and hearing you say those words just brought back so many happy times we had together. For a brief second I had those feelings again, it was a quick flashback of how madly in love we were together. But I then snap back into reality and realize you really don’t mean it. I have a tendency to keep my feelings high, but I’m slowly working on it.

But any who, just felt like venting for a bit. So my sister and I just got done watching Everything Everything (cheesy movie btw). It made me want to go back to Cali and New York, but I think the most annoying part was that she met someone through a window and they ended up being together.... like wtf. I’m able to get out of my house and have yet to meet someone who will eventually fall in love with me. Like I wish it were that easy to find someone who will look at me and be like “damn she’s the one.” BUT NOPE. Ugh I wish i could sometimes live those cheesy chick flick movies where a guy, who is tall and handsome, to sweep me off my feet and of course buys me food. Life just loves to make me struggle to find a decent man. Like can I just have an educated, tall and handsome young man? Is that too much to ask for? Ugh.