I Should Have Taken That Job In Chicago

Ghost activity has been low recently. Humanoid and animal ghosts alike have been scarce in the past two days. Blob ghost sightings have been more frequent, but by a very small margin.

If you have purchased a CD from any store in the Amity Park Mall yesterday, it is within your best interests to play the disc and make sure the songs are what you expect. At some point in the day, every CD in the mall was somehow changed to contain nothing but “Do the Bartman” from the Simpsons. If your CD plays “Do the Bartman,” then you are entitled to a refund so long as you can provide proof of purchase.

The Fenton Ghost Assault Vehicle crashed into a decorative boulder yesterday in a ghost chase involving a large flightless bird ghost, and Jack and Madeline Fenton. All involved are unharmed, but the Ghost Assault Vehicle will need repairs before it returns to the road.

It seems that the toad situation on Friday was not an isolated incident. Since then, four different showings of Pixar’s Up at the Regal Theatre in Amity Park Mall have been taken over by toads released by teenagers in the audience. Because of this strange new trend, all bags will be checked for toads by attendants, and any customer found bringing toads into the theatre will be permanently banned.

I apologize for my absence, I was locked inside a Fenton Ghost Weasel

I have received word that The Box Ghost and The Lunch Lady have recently been wed. If you happen to see either of them in the next few days, be sure to congratulate them.

Panic broke out in the Regal Theatre in Amity Park Mall yesterday when two teenagers let set dozens of toads loose in the auditorium. 38 toads total were set loose on opening day for Pixar’s new movie, Up. The crowded auditorium had to be evacuated to safely remove the toads, and the viewing had to be cancelled due to the incident. All customers were refunded with the exception of the two who released the toads.

The Fentons spent much of yesterday ghost hunting in the southeast side of Amity Park. Damage was minimal in comparison to the norm. During this, several previously benign spectres seemed to become violent due to the Fentons’ presence and behaviour, leading to some bystanders receiving minor injuries. Due to incidents like this, one has to wonder if it would be worth it for city officials to limit ghost hunting to actively malicious or disruptive ghosts rather than allowing ghost hunters like the Fentons to seek out any and all ghosts to hunt, regardless of their impact.

The Amity Park Public Library’s summer reading challenge begins today and lasts until August 16. All under the age of 18 are welcome to participate, and all who complete the challenge will get a free book of their own.

An abnormal amount of animal ghost related attacks and disturbances were observed last night. Many of these ghosts appeared disfigured or strangely hybridized. Attacks stopped abruptly at 5:28 this morning. It is currently unknown what the cause could be.

Fifteen green iguanas, seven bearded dragons, three oscar cichlids, seven betta fish, and an african grey parrot were confiscated from an animal hoarding house yesterday. The owner of these animals has been charged with animal abuse, and all animals confiscated are in need of caretakers. Anyone willing and able to correctly care for any of these animals should contact the Amity Park Humane Society for more information.

Recently there have been rumors that a dangerous ghost by the name of Penelope Spectra had found employment at a mental health facility in Amity Park. This rumor is not correct. All working mental health professionals have recently been screened for ectoplasmic radiation as a response to this rumor, and all scans have come back negative. Currently, none are possessed and none are ghosts in disguise.

Casper High faculty were surprised yesterday to see that Rocky the Raven, the schools mascot, had been replaced with Cornelius Crow, the mascot of Casper High’s rival school, Elmerton High School. The swap was discovered right before the end of year celebration assembly, where Rocky the Raven was set to make an appearance. The mascot costumes have since each been returned to their respective schools.

No large ghost disturbances have been observed since Skulker’s attack on the Red Huntress, but several of the ghost dogs have returned to the woods near the Amity Park Observatory. I advise all proceed with caution in the area.

It has been recently discovered that Bertie, the endangered red widow spider at Amity Park Zoo who was thought to be pregnant for the past two weeks, is simply fat and not preparing to lay a clutch of eggs. This certainly is disappointing news, as I know many were excited by the zoo’s offer to name the entire clutch Bertie II: The Sequel.

The last day of school for the Amity Park school district is in only two days, then it’s summer break until August. This year, almost all of Amity Park’s private schools will also be ending the school year this Friday, just like the public schools.

The Jameson Finks Traveling Carnival will be coming to the Amity Park Mall parking lot. It will open on Friday and will stay opened until June 8. The carnival has been thoroughly vetted this year and we can confirm that it is not a front for any ghostly plots.

Skulker attacked the Red Huntress yesterday morning. The observed fight was much more violent than conflicts between these two usually are, with Skulker attempting to decapitate the Red Huntress with what appeared to be a machete. Thankfully, she was able to escape his grasp and fight him off long enough to escape. Skulker was captured not long after by Danny Phantom. Extreme ghost violence against humans is rare, so this was shocking for all of us. The Fentons have been patrolling far more frequently since this incident.

Sampson the purple back gorilla will be transferred to the San Diego Zoo next week, along with Otto, the other living purple back gorilla from the Berlin Zoo. Artificial insemination so far has failed, so the two are being brought together in the hope that they might reproduce naturally and prolong their species existence. Sampson will be missed, but we are excited to see her finally have the chance to interact with another of her species after so long.

Over the past couple days, benign ghost sightings have become more frequent. Skulker, Technus, the Box Ghost, a lunch lady ghost, and several other unidentified ghosts have made disturbance free visits to Amity Park over the last week. The Fentons have caused some conflict as a result, but damage has overall been minimal. Hopefully this pattern continues.

If you see a yellow taxi cab with a black stripe on the side, do not get in.

Several large ghost dogs have been roaming near the Amity Park Observatory recently. One of these dogs is extremely aggressive, please exercise caution while in the area until they have been captured.

Decorative macrame owls have been appearing in odd areas all across Amity Park. So far over a hundred have been found, and more are being discovered still. It is unknown if the cause of this is ghosts, humans, or temporal portals leading to the 1970s.

A sentient tree ghost in Parr Hill Park has been attempting to convince teenagers and young adults to join a pyramid scheme. Please do not listen to it. Avoid all trees in Parr Hill Park until this ghost has been removed from the area.

All public high schools in Amity Park will be holding graduations this weekend. West Amity High School today starting at 4:30 pm, Thomas Jefferson High School tomorrow starting at 12:00 pm, and Casper High School tomorrow starting at 5:00 pm. Congratulations to all graduating seniors, you’ve earned this.

All graduations will be held under a ghost shield to minimize risk of ghost disturbance.

A destructive fight between Skulker and a horse sized horned boar ghost occurred yesterday afternoon in the Amity Park Mall parking lot. Thankfully, as the fight occurred on the far west side of the lot, vehicle damage was kept to a minimum, but the lot itself did not fare so well. The mall building did also receive some damage before the ghost shields were activated. After a 30 minute fight, Skulker defeated the boar and dragged it off, disappearing not long after.

During this incident, over on the west end, Danny Phantom seemed to be preoccupied with convincing the Box Ghost to exit the post office on Chestnut Avenue and leave the boxes alone. The Box Ghost was not convinced in the end, and had to be captured. Thankfully, damage was minimal.

It seems that Horace the ostrich has returned as a ghost. A ghostly ostrich with a shockingly similar appearance to Horace was seen this morning in Horace’s favourite spot, attempting to have intercourse with Horace’s favourite rock. Unfortunately the Amity Park Zoo is not well equipped to house ghostly animals, and so Horace was relocated to the ghost zone by Danny Phantom.

Jen‘s laundromat on 23rd St. will be closed until further notice.

A ridiculously Canada themed ghost dressed in full hockey gear has been spotted riding his moose around several areas of Amity Park over the past 22 hours. This ghost doesn’t seem hostile, but has roped many people into hours long conversations about his hatred of the Québécois, annoyance with the province of Alberta, and his love of ketchup.

Horace, the male ostrich at the Amity Park Zoo, sadly passed yesterday evening. His health had been on the decline lately due to his old age. He passed peacefully in his sleep after a day of doing what he loved best: pecking zoo interns and attempting to mate with his favourite rock. Goodbye Horace, we will miss you.

I apologize for my unprofessionalism on Saturday, and for my absence yesterday. I will take steps to ensure it does not happen again.

Ghost activity has been very low during the past two days. No attacks have occurred, and only two minor disturbances have been recorded.

A yacht belonging to Mayor Vlad Masters was sunk last night. All surveillance in the area was turned off during this event, so it is currently unknown what the cause was. Mayor Masters seems to believe Danny Phantom to be behind the incident, but this cannot be proven.

Got lost in the ghost zone again, and I found some absolutely fantastic drinks this morning. I don’t know how I got back here, but frankly, I don’t exactly care.

Carrie college had graduation. Skulker shot somebody. Don’t worry, he’s fine, he’s in the hospital right now, but he’s fine. Can’t say the same for his wallet. The poor bum has health insurance and everything, but I heard from some guy who saw the bill that it absolutely is not pretty.

Fish at the docks are acting weird again. Some of them are ghosts, but when are there not ghosts in Lake Michigan? I swear, that place was full of them even before the Fentons opened an unregulated portal to hell in a downtown residential area.

And who allowed that? Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad there was enough ectoplasm here that I could come back as a ghost, that’s fantastic, but this portal situation seems like something that should have a couple more safety nets, yeah? Like, who in gods green earth actually signed off on that?