La’Mer

It’s got to the point where I’m sick of myself.

I don’t know what I want anymore.

This is not me and I never thought it would be.

How am I not good enough to be their first?

When all their first options treat them like shit.

No one deserves me, but what do I deserve?

ولا كان أخذ روحي من اول.

لأن دايمًا بعد العُسر يُسر صح؟ صرلي سنة عايشة فالعسر و بستنى اليسر.

والله مو إعتراض على قدر ربي بس روحي تعبت.

ربنا يبتلي العباد الي يحبهم، بس احس اني مقصرة في حق ربي مني قاعدة اعبدوا عدل.

ماصرت احس بشي ولا صرت احس اني انسان حقيقي، كأني روبوت. ماصار عندي احساس ولا شغف

يمكن لأني كنت اعطي اعطي إلين ماصار في شيء اعطيه؟ يمكن لأني متأكدة انو العوض اعظم من كل إلي مريت فيه

I feel like my mother would change. She would probably regret the way she treated me differently. She will feel bad cuz she knew I was not ok and that there was something wrong with me and she did nothing to help just empty promises. And if she did help it’d be by making me worse. I don’t think she’ll change her patterns though. She’ll probably walk into my room every day and night thinking she’ll find me laying on my bed but all she’ll find is an empty bed and a dark room. It’ll break her every time she opens that door. Maybe she’ll sleep in my bed and smell my clothes and dream about me. I think she’ll miss me when she sees stuff that remind her of me, or only when my sisters do her wrong.

My father will feel horrible. With the little knowledge he has of my mental state he will feel bad he didn’t take action and do something sooner. He’ll bring me up all the time during conversations, and do lots of charity on behalf of me. He’d probably wish he had known me better. I feel like he’ll miss me a lot.

My older sister will feel bad for the way she spoke about me and treated me. I don’t really care for her enough to think about how she’ll feel.

My older brother would blame everyone. He knows I’m not ok even when i don’t say it. Me and him got along the most especially over family trauma. He’ll also do lots of charity on my behalf. He’ll really hate my parents for not helping me when i asked. I feel like he’ll miss me a lot.

My second eldest sister will feel pretty bad she didn’t get to know me better, cuz every time she spent time with me fooling around with people i could tell she liked being around me, i feel like i made her laugh. She’ll regret that we didn’t hang out more especially when i asked her to. She might change a bit idk.

I don’t want to think of how my little siblings will feel cuz i hate the thought of them being sad. I love them so much and wish them nothing but happiness so the thought of them being upset over me hurts more than me thinking about death alone. I hope they never experience depression, anger that makes them lash out, or a scary amount of hatred in their hearts.

I cried tears i couldn’t control writing this. I hate considering death just as much as i hate the thought of it. I always think of my family going through my phone and finding these things. I hate how negative my tumblr is knowing that i downloaded it for the nostalgic vibe it gave me.

Life is genuinely so much more than this. I can’t wait to meet people who make me forget about this feeling.

But it hurts when i ask u for me to go and seek help and you just make me feel needy, like its just one of the other obligations that you have to do for ur kid that you don’t want to do cuz u don’t feel like it or u have more important stuff to pay for.

I just hate that you try it makes me feel bad.

I love them so much

I just hate that they have to see me like this. I want them to see the happy me, the real me.

They started begging me to join family gatherings in the living room that i never go to cuz it always harms me more than it helps me. But it hurts even more when they ask cuz i hate saying no to them.

If they, as kids noticed, what makes you an “adult” think that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and that’s just the way i am?

I hope and pray that they never have to experience this. I don’t want anyone or anything killing the light and joy that they have.

Idk how to feel? Good? Proud? Odd?

I dont even remember the last time i didn’t day dream and actually forgot about it. Its been awhile.

We went back to our old ways and i feel disgusted.

Now i remember why i left them behind