i always found myself gravitating towards showing my art to other people
its exhausting now, the only thing i love to do.. being pressured with what i draw. i liked my past fanbase. my motivation to create was so immense, i would go home and spend 5 hours average on procreate everyday, thus the short gaps between posts over the last few months. this last week however, was draining. it stopped my flow- my ritual of making anything that came to mind started to grow holes:
“they’re gonna see this and think that i can only draw this”
i dont know, why do people poke and prod at what people draw? if i enjoy something benign im allowed to enjoy it. and do it often. …its no use trying to rationalize hate anyways. it doesn’t mean anything about me, more so of the people that do the hating. if they want me to doubt myself so much, there’s probably a reason. and it won’t have anything to do with me.
my art is just supposed to represent a whole - myself. i don’t know what i am, but i know what i like, so i do that. and eventually the compilation of all these creations would mean something profound. represent how i process my life. sometimes, i would go back to old drawings and remember where i was at the time i made it, and i really like that part about creating.
now, because im still trying to figure out myself, i find the people coming over to be some sort of finalization of my style-my identity, when it’s still just a part of my exploration.
i recognize too that the people who just got here from the recent events that transpired are probably not gonna stay to see my other art either way. it is then after the dust has settled that people who remember me on some occasion will say i fell off, flopped, and turned into another grain of sand. if that’s all what they have to say about me, i don’t want them to stay for me.
they’ve already grabbed the things i’ve worked hard for, minimized my potential to it, and ripped it apart. i dont want them over. why do they think i want them to like me? why do they assume that everything they like is the only way to be? just.. so entitled to what i do.
everything that’s happened could be analogized as if i invited a family of 19 to drink tea in my home, they paint my walls lime green without my permission and got mad that i like them salmon pink, reasoning that if i had them over at my house, i should be okay with them changing it lime green so they could be happy with the walls i live in. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!
i can’t focus in class anymore because i keep thinking about people. people who really.. really hate me for something i find benign.. and i don’t have the capacity for these people. even though i deleted instagram and tiktok, i can’t stop feeling like everything is turned against me. and every time i think about going back to post a drawing, i keep thinking about the vitriolic hate and trolling that ill accidentally see so i could press the stupid post button.
if i act normal. if i pretend as if nobody is watching, i can move on.
i wanna keep doing what i did back then…
i can’t sulk forever about this.. i know that the good outweighs the bad. it just takes time to learn how to be okay. like, i wish i had tyler the creator’s mentality with his music(i don remember any other examples of really confident people rn)
i dont think this feeling will last forever but while im feeling it right now, i shouldn’t hide from it. if it means i can move on, ill feel it as much as i need.
and then i will get back up. and i will be okay. i will be okay.
gonna be keep talking to this tumblr void
