you should want a bad bitch like this

Uma: i can't be the only one bothered by the people who want to dress like pirates for halloween.

Maya: I would have been so mad if I thought I was going on some other show and then found out it was that one lmao but ngl, it was amazing to see it happen to everyone that actually made it onto the show 😂

Maya: Girl, yes! But first, and probably the most important part of getting cast, we need to get some super hot bikinis.

Laguna: It was HILARIOUS to watch it happen to those poor suckers but I personally would've thrown such a bitch fit if that happened to me. Like, if I'd gotten on the show, I would've tossed Lana into the ocean. But why did everyone on season two ignore Peter? He was hot even though he was kind of short! He was my crush, lowkey.

Maya: I've been doing my hot girl summer all wrong. Instead of watching Love Island, I should have been ON Love Island.

Maya: How soon after one season ends do you think they do casting for the next season?

Laguna: Tell me about it. I'm still nursing my wound from not being chosen for the second season of Too Hot to Handle although once I found out it was that show, it felt like a blessing in disguise because no way would I have been able to keep it in my pants all summer.

Harry: Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be free from the Isle and all, but I swear, the best time of the day is at night when all these AKs go to bed. It's quiet and you can actually enjoy the scenery at the beach without bonfires and frat parties getting in the way.

Cooper: yeah that was a huge miss.

Cooper: kylie seems to think me playing on being a mechanic is hot. what do you think?

Laguna: It was a huge miss but at least that means it came from a huge swing. And I like anything huge of yours.

Cooper: i was trying to go for some kind of roleplay sext but it just looks depressing. 😬

Laguna: THAT was a sext? Oh, honey.

That’s exactly what I figured you’d say! I’m thinking maybe fun open marriage? As much as I’d love the old school glamour of having sexy secret misters waiting around for us, I’m sure just being married to you would be expensive enough that maintaining them as well wouldn’t exactly be fiscally responsible.

Of course! I look good in everything but I’m guessing I’d look even better in a crown, especially if it’s a matching one. See, that’s why I need you, I never think about the fiscal part of stuff. Fun open marriage is way better anyway; maybe it’d encourage other stuffy royals to get with the modern dating game anyway.

Duh, look at me. I’m the hottest person any of you have ever seen, I should be an Instaroyal mode. That’s kind of the goal right now post-grad, actually, so if you know of any brands that could use a bad bitch like this, let me know.

Jordan: Ugh.

Jane: I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don’t have to wear a bra with my dress

Jane: Oh, gosh, not in like - not in a sexy way! I just meant it's so much more comfortable, I feel like bras add 10% more tension to my posture at all times!

Laguna: Damn, there's a dress that can hold ALL of your goods up? 👀 Drop the link, bitch!

Nadia: You saw my boobs then looked up and yelled thank you jesus.

cooper: I just finished watching Alice in Wonderland for the third time in a row. I’m starting it again. I’m eating cocoa puffs. I’m a grown man. If you’re ever feeling down about yourself, just remember that you could be me.

Laguna: Cooper, you know me; do you think I'd ever feel down about myself? I'm basically perfect.

I’m out here being hot for free, other than the gifts that @nadiadecordoba wants to give me for being her prettiest friend, but if you can and want to get paid for being sexy as fuck? Go for it, babes. Nothing wrong with it as long as everybody’s being an adult about it, especially for us who grew up on the Isle with nothing.

Please, do I look like I’ve ever been ghosted? 

My body’s a temple and who’d hide a temple under a circus tent?