my interpersonal relationships are constant reminders that i am just a victim of rape and abuse and while my psyche desperately tries to heal from that thru others it simultaneously sabotages everything and makes me needy horror that everyone grows to hate! either way its fucked up i rely on ppl too much i need to heal but i have no idea how!

been a minute but i am so deeply depressed-- i haven’t cried for no reason in a while. i can’t help tearing up at certain words, not even specifically said to me (no one says anything to me). i don’t feel like sharing Anything and solitude is a fetish at this point but also i crave companionship and i really hate that need i wish it wouldn’t haunt me so much i feel like thats why i’m having nightmares nearly every night and sleep paralysis, i am literally haunted by loneliness and inability to have healthy intimacy. maybe i’m being melodramatic but i’ve been w death since day 1 and i don’t foresee anyone warming up to that idea or me in the near future. i don’t see anything changing ever