Life Of A Nerdy Hippie

Today depression ruled my life, but I am getting better. I am fighting back. Depression is not who I am, it is just one malfunctioning part of a whole person. My depression does not define me.

They just keeping asking questions and then they try to reassure you that everything is ok and there is no reason to feel like that.

This is the stigma that a lot of people with anxiety/depression/other mental illnesses live with. We make up “actual” ailments to explain away our mental health issues that prevent us from functioning. We are made to feel like our illnesses are less legitimate than illnesses that can be seen and measured. We are told that it is all in our head and that “if you would just decide to be happy and let go of the worry, you would be fine”. We hear that medication isn’t necessary we just need to exercise more, spend more time in nature, or hundreds of other asinine things that are not helpful.

On Tuesday August 15th, I received the worst news of my life. My 34 year old brother had passed away of a brain aneurysm in his sleep. My mother found him. Of course we didn't know it was an aneurysm at the time. We only knew that this vibrant, bigger than life personality was gone forever. This was a mere 3 days after my birthday and only 4 days before my mother's birthday. We found out the cause of death Wednesday, after the autopsy. Because of the autopsy we, as a family (mother, father, 2 sisters and 2 brothers-in-law), decided that cremation was the best option and decided to have a celebration of life because that is what my 6'1", 350lbs, scary biker looking, teddy bear of an older brother would have wanted. He wouldn't have wanted us to be sad because he lived his life on his terms and he never wasted an opportunity to live his life to the fullest. He smoked like a chimney, when the occasion arose he drank like a fish, and he could make a sailor blush with his salty language. Nothing was off limits to his wicked sense of humor and even if you were the butt end of his joke you couldn't help but laugh. All of that is gone out of our lives. He will never again flick my earlobe (which I hated) or give me a hug and tell me he loves me (which he did every time we parted). I haven't been having an easy time of it, but I had mostly been holding it together, until today. I walked into Ulta to redeem a birthday coupon and I was after some highlighter. I asked for help and less than 30 seconds later I felt the stirrings of a panic attack. I bought the first thing she showed and lit out of the store as fast as I could. I mean, how could I be thinking about makeup when my brother was dead? How could I even be considering something so mundane as highlighter?! My brother is dead! Then I started using techniques to stop the panic from becoming a full blown attack, and I realized that buying highlighter and getting my free eyeshadow for my birthday was exactly the sort of thing that I should be doing. I should keep living my life and doing the mundane, everyday sort of things that I used to do without thinking. My brother would want me to buy the highlighter (even though he told me that makeup was dumb and that I didn't need it). I just need to breathe and remember that it is ok to not be ok right now, but that I can't move in and live here for the rest of my life.