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I'm going to marry this man. I just have to be patient for him. We talked about wedding colors last night. And binge watched say yes to the dress. He has my heart always.

I think I ruin things. Every day he reminds me (he thinks) I'm beautiful and worth the frustration.

Love this mascara

182.2. I am 3 lbs away from just being fat. I have never been so tempted to just not eat.

I love you. You know this. And you tell me I know you love me. But the thing is, I don't. I need to hear it 15 times in an hour. I need to you to answer "of course" when I ask if you still love me. When yet another panic attack has me convinced that you would be happier elsewhere. I need to know that you think I'm attractive. And enough. And worth the trouble. Because the last thing I want to do is burden you. It's all I feel like I've done for my entire life. Burden everyone. So if/when I find pictures of former girlfriends, or even find porn, I can't handle it. I compare them to myself. And my rolls. And my soft body. That you tell me all the time you love. I don't love it. And I don't love the way it hurts you when I cry. The way I can't explain why choosing a restaurant sends me into a panic. The way I want you to make all of the decisions. But please don't choose wrong. I wish I could explain this to you. Without sounding crazy.

So not even engaged (yet) and I'm having wedding nightmares. Like last night. He bought a ring I hated (some weird thing with a bird in the center stone instead of a stone?) and then we were getting married and literally no one showed up and I had two bridesmaids and one was the ex wife of a cousin? And I woke up in literal cold sweats.

Sitting here, pretending to work. Doodling my name with his last. Realizing that *will be my name*.