crazy cat lady

also can we talk about Richard's Mediterranean Sidequest for a minute?

QUICK BACKSTORY—

in 1187 before he was even king, Richard is beefing with his dad in France. He hears about Orlando Bloom's majestic surrender in Jerusalem and everyone's like— STOP THE PRESSES, what the fuck

and Richard immediately squares up and goes "yo I'mma go fight Saladin" (and his dad and King Philip are like "yeah I guess us too" otherwise they look kinda like weenies in comparison I guess)

but they gotta resolve their family squabble first, which they do because… Henry dies (lol rip) and Richard becomes king in Sep 1189

Richard immediately RAISES TAXES and sells everything not nailed down, and several things that are. Including stuff like get out of jail free cards and appointments to offices? like, bruh. how is robin baffled over the state of Nottingham upon his return I have no idea

he also tries to make it so John won't revolt and utterly fails at that, but that'll be another post I'm sure.

Eventually in Dec 1189 (3 months after he's crowned ahaha) he peaces out, makes some further preparations in France, and then by summertime is rarin' to go a-Crusadin'

the sidequest

so he makes a pitstop in Sicily for unknown reasons (resupplying? he missed his sister?) and discovers his sister is Having A Bad Time™ so Richard burns Messina to the ground until he gets his way and then steals all their treasure

it ends up working out and, presumably, his sister is trying to fucking leave for someplace normal, while all the crusaders continue on their merry way to go fuck up Saladin

only a storm scatters the whole fleet and his sister turns up missing. He finds her and all the treasure which is obv the important part once again Having A Bad Time™ in Cypress.

(this is literally the definition of your princess is in another castle ahahaha)

so Richard casually conquers Cypress and then fucking sells it

I swear for all John is painted as greedy, Richard has to be equally so, bc he sells it to the templars and then hysterically they give it to the BAD GUY from Kingdom of Heaven; you know, Eva Green's douchebag husband? the guy who plays Celeborn?

martin ccskckskcskossckas I'm not looking it up

ANYWAY.

what I wanna know is, we're supposed to believe Robin packs up and ships out the second his spidey-senses tingle about shenanigans in the Holy Land, and thru that time becomes unfailingly loyal to Richard

…so does that means he went along on the Mediterranean Sidequest???? AND HOW IN THE HOLY HECK HAS HE NOT REALIZED RICHARD WOULD SELL HIM TOO IF HE THOUGHT HE COULD MAKE A BUCK

Richard the troll king lmfao

Edit, forgot to add: YEAH, I ALSO read how expensive his ransom was an my conclusion is that (at least, in most depictions) Robin has to be desperately naive or kind of an outright moron, England is broke and it’s definitely Richard’s fault (not sayin’ crusading ain’t expensive, but psheewwwww, everyone has to be flat broke now)

Kind of why I’m leaning towards Alan Rickman/Sheriff Vaisey as my favorite Sheriffs bc they are actually cartoonishly evil enough to warrant some kind of vigilante superheroism in response that sort of falls outside the basic premise of “prince john is greedy!”. But yeah IMO Robin should be just as jaded with Richard if not more so than other folks

But now you've got me talking about history, so I apologize in advance for the info dump.

To be fair, Robin Hood himself wasn't the most loveable guy in the earliest tales we still have of him. On the level with Richard, he and his men didn't take issue with killing innocents if they thought it served their purpose. However, these early versions of Robin weren't set in the time of Richard or John; they were more likely set during the run of Edwards.

Obviously, at some point Robin becomes nicer and wibbly wobbly timelines shift the legend back to the time of the aforementioned brothers. So how do we reconcile good Robin with the whacky Richard of history? Better the absent wild king than the unhinged king in your backyard.

Is Richard taxing the snot out of the barons? Sure, but he's doing it for things they're mostly obliged to roll over for. You want to complain about taxes so we can go on Crusade? You must hate God. You want to complain about taxes to help fight the French? You're clearly a traitor. What's more, quite a few English lords hold lands in English held France at this point, so it's very much in their interests to protect their own holdings. Also, Richard barely spends any time in England. He's got people (hello, mother dear) to keep England afloat while he keeps the territories in France under control. There's constant rebellion for Richard to put down, and he's damn good at it. Can he be overly violent? Yep, but by the standards of the day, that doesn't make him a bad king. After all, it's in defense of the realm and, in the case of Acre, the Holy Lands. (To be clear, I am not endorsing massacre).

Fast forward to John. He's the idiot who's given away and outright lost nearly ALL of England's land in France. That's disastrous on multiple fronts. That territory brought in serious money, not just for the throne, but for the barons as well. And saying it's John's fault isn't even an exaggeration. Now, for the first time since a Plantagenet assumed the English throne, the king has nowhere to be but England. You can't escape him, and he has the same prowling energy and love for tax codes as his dad. By the time John really decides to fight in France, it's not even for the lands his barons lost, so they're not thrilled at all. (In his defense, it's not his first effort, but when one of your signature moves is just not showing up to battles, people are going to get mad.) Bonus points, John has his nephew imprisoned, and this nephew turns up dead in the Seine. Whether he did the deed himself or it was done on his orders, everyone knows John is the reason Arthur is dead. His reputation takes hit after hit. Let's not forget the wife and son if a noble John throws in prison and loses the key. When, after a long while, they open the cell, they find both dead and she's eaten part of her child's face. That doesn't score points with ANYONE, and I'm not even addressing John's throw down with the papacy.

also can we talk about Richard's Mediterranean Sidequest for a minute?

QUICK BACKSTORY—

in 1187 before he was even king, Richard is beefing with his dad in France. He hears about Orlando Bloom's majestic surrender in Jerusalem and everyone's like— STOP THE PRESSES, what the fuck

and Richard immediately squares up and goes "yo I'mma go fight Saladin" (and his dad and King Philip are like "yeah I guess us too" otherwise they look kinda like weenies in comparison I guess)

but they gotta resolve their family squabble first, which they do because… Henry dies (lol rip) and Richard becomes king in Sep 1189

Richard immediately RAISES TAXES and sells everything not nailed down, and several things that are. Including stuff like get out of jail free cards and appointments to offices? like, bruh. how is robin baffled over the state of Nottingham upon his return I have no idea

he also tries to make it so John won't revolt and utterly fails at that, but that'll be another post I'm sure.

Eventually in Dec 1189 (3 months after he's crowned ahaha) he peaces out, makes some further preparations in France, and then by summertime is rarin' to go a-Crusadin'

the sidequest

so he makes a pitstop in Sicily for unknown reasons (resupplying? he missed his sister?) and discovers his sister is Having A Bad Time™ so Richard burns Messina to the ground until he gets his way and then steals all their treasure

it ends up working out and, presumably, his sister is trying to fucking leave for someplace normal, while all the crusaders continue on their merry way to go fuck up Saladin

only a storm scatters the whole fleet and his sister turns up missing. He finds her and all the treasure which is obv the important part once again Having A Bad Time™ in Cypress.

(this is literally the definition of your princess is in another castle ahahaha)

so Richard casually conquers Cypress and then fucking sells it

I swear for all John is painted as greedy, Richard has to be equally so, bc he sells it to the templars and then hysterically they give it to the BAD GUY from Kingdom of Heaven; you know, Eva Green's douchebag husband? the guy who plays Celeborn?

martin ccskckskcskossckas I'm not looking it up

ANYWAY.

what I wanna know is, we're supposed to believe Robin packs up and ships out the second his spidey-senses tingle about shenanigans in the Holy Land, and thru that time becomes unfailingly loyal to Richard

…so does that means he went along on the Mediterranean Sidequest???? AND HOW IN THE HOLY HECK HAS HE NOT REALIZED RICHARD WOULD SELL HIM TOO IF HE THOUGHT HE COULD MAKE A BUCK