inscrutable

omfg I AM DISTURBED AND DISGUSTED

You know when you’re depressed and all you do is lay in bed while life piles up around you? And then one day you feel a little less depressed and you clean up and see the fucking shitshow that has formed in your room?

I wish I had a before pic of my room.

Y’all I never realize how depressed I’ve been until I’m feeling okay and I clean up the mess. Then I start thinking about the cloud I was living under for months. Wow. Sometimes I think oh I’m not depressed I’m just tired and lazy....nah bitch u depressed. I had boxes from Christmas in my room because all I did (still do tbh lol) was come home and rip my clothes off and lay in bed.........sometimes I wouldn’t even fill up my water bottle.....I’d lay in bed fucking hungry and thirsty...........even on the weekend I’d come home and lay in bed from Saturday night to Monday morning. Holy shit. I have depression.

It’s not like this is new to me but you forget. You know? You don’t realize until you have a break from it. It becomes normal.

I used to wake up and get ready for work feeling okay most of the time unless I was extremely depressed and then I’d get in the car and be like oh shit I’m exhausted already I want to go home and sleep. Then I’d get to work and be like wow wtf I am about to fall asleep. I didn’t want to talk to anyone even my favorite coworkers.

I’d have low key mental breakdowns in the bathroom at work at least once per week. I’d think about suicide at least 5 days per week. I felt foggy as shit like I was walking through a cloud. I would visualize myself hurting myself when I was sad/angry.