it should've been me

Cam had heard it a million times but he didn't care if he was a pretty boy or whatever. All he cared about was his friends and his grades, and keeping Greg as far away from his bullshit as possible. He scoffed and shook his head to himself at the ridiculous thought of being blonde, and when he glanced back over he couldn't help but soften under Greg's gaze. Even before they'd been together Cam had been putty in his hands and maybe that was part of the problem, but he couldn't have cared less. "I'm not going anywhere," he promised. "Best person you've ever known is crazy work, but I'm not here to argue. I'll take whatever I can get, I don't care how pathetic it makes me. You're the only thing that's ever given me any fuckin' hope."

"You don't have to work at it. It's just who you are." He shrugged one of his shoulders, turning his head forward again as they walked. It was almost odd to hear that he was something that gave Cam hope when there were points in their friendship when he felt like a black hole. The only thing that had kept him from fully sinking into his own misery after Danny had died had been Cam. The other boys were a part of things, but he had always been the main force when it came to making Greg move forward.

"Not really. Just been thinking how I haven't really slowed down since high school. Growing up all I wanted was a quiet life, I wanted to be comfortable of course, but I didn't need to make it big. And now Jade has that. That's not jealousy talking. It's just funny how life works sometimes, huh?" She couldn't help but chuckle at the irony. "Nah, but you have people you care about. People that losing would feel like the end of the world, right? That's just as bad." Jess nodded quietly to show that she was listening as he vented. By no means did she think she was the kind of person anyone should go to for advice but she did think she was a good listener, at the very least she didn't cast judgement so quickly without getting the whole picture. "Wow. You really had a whole vision of what you wanted. I mean, did you tell Cam all of this? And i'm not talking about just a general idea of you wanting a future with him. But all your wants and needs? Cause you're kinda shit at advocating for yourself sometimes, you know." She said with a smile reassure him they were in a safe space of sorts. As safe as a busy bar could be. "It doesn't make you an asshole to leave a situation that doesn't feel healthy to you, right now. Not that i'm calling your relationship toxic. But it's not gonna do you guys any favors if you stay together even though you're miserable deep down, you don't wanna end up resenting each other either." She leaned in to nudge his arm with her own. "What i'm trying to say is this is your time to figure out what makes you happy again. You're not gonna do that if you stay shut in from now on."

"There's nothing wrong with change if it's something you're happy with." He'd definitely never envisioned her running her dad's old business but she seemed happy with things. That was all that really mattered to him at the end of the day. "You don't ever think about what you want for the future? I'm pretty sure we share a braincell most of the time so he knows. Or he should know." Usually it was safe to assume Cam knew what he was thinking before he said it out loud but her words were enough to make him hesitate. "I don't think it's toxic. He's a good guy, you know? He's just- we have different priorities right now." He grimaced knowing there was probably a better way to phrase what he was feeling but the words wouldn't come to him. "I'm not turning into a shut in. I'm here with you now. And you might be seeing a lot more of me in the near future. I could actually use a couch to crash on for the next few weeks. Trevor decided to join the greasers so- things are rough at home right now."

Cam realised then that yeah, maybe him disappearing without a word wasn't the smartest move of all time. Surely Trevor had mentioned he was alive at least, but he probably deserved a clip around the ear for going ghost the way he had. He'd needed it to some degree to be able to process his new reality outside of the petrie dish of their home but the look on Greg's face alone made him wish he'd come back sooner. Half of the problem was that they'd been inseparable for most of their lives. He had no idea who he was without him, and he didn't care to know either. "I–" he'd been about to suggest it wasn't a good idea for Greg to come any closer but then there were familiar arms around him and he felt like he could breathe for the first time in days. "I'm sorry. I won't." He could tell Greg felt awkward and without thinking reached out to brush their hands together, trying to both stretch the moment and provide him some silent reassurance. "Lucky I'm not. Don't think I could pull off blonde," he followed suit, wary about letting himself get too excited about their little excursion but also undeniably grateful Greg didn't hate him. "Loser buys dinner," he agreed. "So... songs on the radio reminding you of me? Kinda romantic for someone who isn't my boyfriend. If it makes you feel any better I kept one of your shirts to sleep in so... we're really nailing this separation thing, huh?"

Greg exhaled heavily, his fingers curling slightly around Cam's once their hands brushed. It wasn't that he suddenly felt awkward or uncomfortable around him. Cam had always felt like home. He simply didn't want to make the other boy uncomfortable, and he wasn't sure what he was allowed to do anymore. "Have you seen your face? The girls were dying to get at you in school for a reason. I doubt bleach would change that." He turned his head to watch Cam as they walked, keeping his eyes on his best friend to try and avoid making the same mistake he'd made the last time around. "I don't want to nail the separation thing. I don't wanna be any farther away from you than I am right now. I just-you're the best person I've ever known. You know that, right? And being with you is my favorite part of everyday, and it always has been. You make me feel like everything isn't so heavy all the time, and even when things do feel like too much at least we're in it together. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose you."

"Almost knocked as if it's not my own fuckin house," Cam laughed at the absurdity of it all, given that they'd been sharing a living space longer than they hadn't by this point. He couldn't picture his own life without Greg's presence and he had no idea how he was supposed to be okay with that changing. "I got some of your clothes mixed up with mine when I packed a bag the other night. Wasn't really looking. Thought you'd want them back." He tossed the handful of clothes over the back of the couch to be dealt with later, more interested in observing Greg. They could read each other like a book by now, and he needed to know if the way he felt unmoored was mutual. "Come on, we're going out," he'd decided. "Gonna throw rocks in the quarry like when we were kids. Old school adventure style." @lachancegreg

"I'm glad you're back." The look on his face made it beyond obvious how relieved Greg was to see Cam. He understood the need for space but that didn't make it any easier to actually have any between them when he was so used to turning to Cam without hesitation. Not having him around was more than just missing his best friend. It felt like someone had cut him in half and told him to go about his day like nothing had happened. "I'm not worried about the clothes. Pretty sure I have a good amount of your stuff still mixed in with mine, and it's not like we can't trade back and forth whenever." Without giving it much though Greg stepped forward to wrap his arms around Cam, hugging him so tightly it nearly made his arms ache. He needed the connection. The reminder that Cam was really there in front of him and he hadn't managed to lose his best friend over the past week. And he needed Cam to know that he was still there. There was no universe where he wouldn't be there for him. "Don't disappear on me, man." He dropped his arms back down to his sides awkwardly, unsure if he'd crossed some line between them. "If you were Trevor I might be worried." He shook his head, grabbing a few drinks from the fridge before he made his way outside. Maybe going back to the early days of their friendship was exactly what they needed to ease some of the tension between them. "I don't think I've been there since high school. Loser has to buy dinner?"

Greg was right, putting the inevitable off until morning was just salt in the wound. Maybe Cam operated better like that though, maybe he was so used to being beneath someone's boot he couldn't take his own happiness seriously. All his book and street smarts hadn't left much space for emotional intelligence, so it wasn't until it was too late that he figured out what he'd been missing. He loved Greg, but it wasn't enough if he wasn't doing it the way Greg needed to be loved. "Actually, uh, I think I'm gonna head out," he swallowed the lump in his throat that felt like the size of a baseball as he backed up and swiped his jacket off the back of his desk chair, "I'll... I'll see you around."

"Right." Greg nodded, suddenly unsure of what to do with his hands. It was new territory considering he'd never had to think twice with Cam even before they'd started dating. He eventually settled on crossing his arms over his chest once more as he shifted awkwardly on his feet, reminding himself that things wouldn't always be like this. They couldn't. There was nothing he could say to make the situation any better but eventually they would get there if they both wanted it to happen, and there was no doubt in Greg's mind that he wanted Cam He wasn't sure how he would function without him, and he didn't want to find out. "Right. Well, I'll be here if you change your mind. And even if you don't... I'm still here. You're still my best friend."

"I think those days are long over for her. She moved out of Rosewood a while ago. She's all settled down, raising a family with her man. I actually think her life is more put together than mine's been lately." She sighed before quickly shrugging off the thought. "That's what I was thinking. Just needed confirmation that I wasn't being too harsh. I know I can overreact and get a little carried away when i'm mad. I do think he needs a good talking to, or a scare though.I don't want him thinking that trying to be all macho and starting fights is the only way to get respect, you know?" Jess snorted and scrunched her nose at his attempts at banter, thinking they could use some improvement but that had always been an endearing quality of his. "We must have different definitions of fine. Sorry to hear that. I thought for sure with you two being best friends and being together for so long that you were settled. But relationships are weird like that. That's why I always tried to avoid them like the plague." She shook her head. "Do not coop yourself up in your room all day. At least not for longer than a day or two. It can't feel good any longer than that."

"Sounds like you might have something you want to get off your chest." Whatever mess she was in he was sure she would work her way out of it. She was just wired that way. Even if a solution wasn't obvious Jess had the brains to figure things out in half the time it took most other people. "You make me thankful I don't have more siblings," he admitted. Dev and Trevor were one thing, but at the end of the day he knew he wasn't responsible for them. It wasn't the same as what he'd had with Danny. "I wanted to be but we're not on the same page. I mean, we are on the same page with almost everything but the greaser issue. He said he needs more time and I'm... I don't want to keep waiting. I've been doing that. It's been years, you know? It's been years, and nothing is any different from when we were in high school, and I want to move forward. I want what your sister has. Maybe not tomorrow, but at some point I want to get married and settle down and have a few kids. I want a family, and I would've loved for that to be with Cam, but I don't want it to be with Joker. It sounds fucked up and maybe it makes me an asshole but I can't keep waiting for him to make moves and decide who he wants to be. I don't want to wake up five years from now in the same spot." So maybe his eyes were a little more red than they should've been, but it was dark and he would keep brushing it off for as long as he could. "You're underestimating how much someone can enjoy being in their own room, but I hear you."

Trevor was aware he drank a lot and normally took no issue with pounding a few beers by himself but Greg's refusal had him thinking twice, he felt awkward about it, and he sat down with him instead. His brow furrowed when he mentioned going back to his old room, which they'd all been treating like a communal closet for the past three years. "Y'all got bed begs or something, or-" It wasn't something he'd considered until then, in referring to his room as both his and Cam's, that the drama exhausting Greg wasn't just his best friend joining a gang. "Fuck. Yeah. I can get everything outta there in a couple hours. Sorry."

"Seriously, don't let me stop you if you want something, man." Greg motioned towards the fridge before he closed his eyes. He'd made it through two of the hardest conversations he'd ever had without crying. He didn't want to ruin that by picking at the threads currently holding him together. "It's fine." If the couch could swallow him at that point he would've been thankful. "It's just temporary. I think it might be time, you know? Time to take the next step instead of doing- whatever I've been doing." Greg grimaced as he shifted on the couch, raising one of the cushions to cover the top of his face. "I'm gonna start looking for something else. I already told Cam and I'll let Dev know when he comes home, but it feels like the right time."

Even though Trevor worried about them growing apart he needed to remember how much they'd stuck by each other through already. The four of them couldn't live together forever, he wasn't naive enough to think otherwise, but not seeing each other every day wouldn't change the bond they all had, the special kind you only got with kids you met when you were twelve. "I hope not, I already got a stupid nickname from Ace and I don't want it catchin' on. Deal, you can tell any embarrassing story about me you want. I'm grabbing a beer, you want one?"

"No. I feel like adding alcohol to all of this is asking for a mess." He motioned towards his own head, moving towards the couch to flop down on it. "This has been enough drama to hold me over for the next few years. I do want you to get any of your extra stuff out of my old room though. I'm camping out there for the next few days and I don't wanna trip over whatever shit Miguel outgrew that you guys have been throwing in instead of throwing away."

"You say that but I don't buy it. You care too much about hurting other people's feelings." She said with a soft sigh, they were in completely different places in their lives from when they dated but Greg had never really changed despite how much the world wanted them to. She admired having the strength to do that. "Like my boyfriend, you mean? Cause I know how much of a fan you are of that group." She answered sarcastically before letting out a chuckle. "No. It's his second time. Which is why he already knows i'm gonna bail him out. That's why he's doing this shit. He's starting to believe there's no consequences to his actions. I have to shut that shit down now." She pursed her lips. "Mhm. You're fine but it looks like you've been crying so....You don't have to tell me anything. But your lying skills could use some work."

"He's on the list but I was actually thinking of your sister. She always seemed... fun. So I wouldn't be surprised. And if it was something like public intoxication whoever it is might deserve the pass." He shrugged again. He'd known the people in her inner circle at one point but things could've changed over the years. It could've been literally anyone but if they were calling her for help he figured it had to be one of her siblings or her boyfriend. "Then let him sweat it out and wait until the morning. Maybe he'll learn something and you won't have to give him 'the talk.' What? You've never met someone who's face gets red when they've been drinking?" He scoffed, straightening up to look at her again. "I don't know if I want that as a skill. But really, I'm fine. I had dinner with my parents which was about as fun as you'd expect, and I broke up with Cam, but I feel... steady. A little like I could use a few days alone in a dark room, but okay."

"I'll still take it." He smiled back at him, a similar fatigued look in his eyes. Something he'd feared for a while now was his friend group falling out, not in a fight or anything, but just with time, guys he considered brothers gradually growing apart. Greg and Cam would want a place of their own eventually he figured, and Dev would no doubt be fine on whatever, and wherever, his next adventure was, and then that just left Trevor. At least joining the greasers gave him some sense of direction. "Can't blame you for trying," he agreed, echoing Greg's sigh, then shrugged his apology off. "It's cool. You had to get my attention somehow and anyway I pushed back."

Greg raised his hands to rub at his face. Knowing there was nothing else he could say left him feeling more defeated than he had in years, but the only thing he could do was move forward from it. Thinking about the way things were bound to change would eat away at him, but there was no point in dwelling on that at the moment when Trevor was right in front of him. "I'm not calling you some stupid nickname, for the record. And I reserve the right to tell everyone about the time you had a leech stuck to your ass at any point for any reason. Someone has to keep you humble."

"You're the only good thing I got," Cam instinctively leaned into Greg's touch, his own hand reaching out to fiddle with the hem of his shirt. Maybe he needed not to put so much of his faith in someone else, but it was too late to stop something he'd been doing since he was a teenager. "I know it's been a long time coming. I know I haven't been... reliable. I'm proud of you for doing something for yourself. It's about time you guys all stopped following my lost ass around waiting for a sign." It would be harder than he cared to admit to wake up alone, but he would do it, and keep doing it, until the tides turned and maybe if he was lucky Greg would still have him. All he had to do was untangle himself from the web he'd fallen into. "Don't go yet," he squeezed Greg's hip, a silent plea to delay the inevitable, "do it in the morning."

"I'm sorry." Greg hadn't actually thought of it that way until it was said out loud. At one point he would've followed Cam to the end of the world, but he really was making the choice to stop. It wasn't something he'd ever thought would happen considering he'd always thought they would be attached at the hip, but there was no point fighting the truth of it all. "Waiting until the morning isn't gonna make it any easier." He shook his head, giving Cam's neck a gentle squeeze before he let his hand fall back down to his side. He didn't want to spend the entire night dwelling over the fact that it might be the last time he held his best friend as something more. It would only taint the moment. "We can watch a movie or play cards or- I don't care what we do. But maybe we can get Dev to jump in and we can pretend things are normal and have a nice last night. Then when it ends we'll just do our own thing."

"I don't want it, I'm just dealing with it. I know you think I've given up but I haven't, I'm just not doin' shit as fast as you'd like. You're not the one gettin' beat over it so what does it matter, right?" Cam had felt the venom bubble in his chest before he'd had a chance to stop it. When he finished, he stayed quiet for a moment, waiting. Perhaps for Greg to snap back, because all of this would be so much easier if they were angry, if Cam's heart wasn't breaking in slow motion. It might have been easy, but it wasn't right, so he backtracked with a shake of his head, "I didn't mean that. I'm just... I..." he didn't know what to say, what would make anything better. So much for being smart. "Greg, please," he came up behind him, hesitating for a second before he grabbed his shoulder to turn him around. "Don't walk outta here without looking at me. Makes me feel like you're leavin' for good."

Greg flinched as if he'd been slapped. It probably would've hurt less if Cam had actually hit him and it showed in the way his shoulders remained tensed. "Don't. Don't act like I don't care about you just because I want more for both of us." Of course he didn't want to imagine him taking a beating. He didn't want to imagine him with so much as a busted lip, but he knew enough about the greasers to understand the way things worked. They weren't going to magically turn into stand up guys who let him walk away because he wanted out no matter how long he was in. Sooner or later Cam had a beating coming his way if he really did make the moves he said he wanted to make. Greg wouldn't push him towards that if he could help it. When it came to Cam he tried not to push him any direction other than what the other boy said he wanted for himself. Dealing with him when he was angry was easier than looking at him when it was clear how much pain he was causing him, so when Cam pulled Greg turnedto look him in the eye again. "I'm looking at you." His adam's apple bobbed as he struggled to swallow past the lump in his throat before he slowly raised his hand to rest along the side of Cam's neck, threading his fingers through his hair out of habit. "I'm not leaving for good. You're- I couldn't leave you behind if I tried. It'd be like trying to walk without one of my legs or something. I wouldn't want to even if I could."

Cam was numb, not so much taking in any new information, still reeling from what he'd already heard. He'd always known it was going to happen this way, that Greg was finally going to see what everyone else saw: he was just another good for nothing Claymore. Noble intent or not, he was following in both his brothers' footsteps and that was hardly something he was proud of. After everything they had been through, every promise they'd made each other, he couldn't blame Greg for the way he looked at him now. "You shouldn't want that," he agreed, clenching his jaw to fight off the tidal wave of sadness creeping up on him, "I'm glad you don't." He couldn't help the way he looked up, like a kicked dog, when Greg said he wanted to move out, which felt like a whole other level of finality. They'd been inseparable since they were kids, and now they were over, just like that. "I'll take the couch for now," he spoke quietly, afraid his voice would fail him. "Until you decide. Or I can leave, whatever."

"Neither should you." Greg wasn't sure what Cam really wanted anymore, but he couldn't wait for him to figure it out. He'd done that for the better part of three years and didn't seem any closer to finding an answer one way or the other. He couldn't count how many times he'd tried to reassure him that he didn't have to be another Claymore if he didn't want to be. He could just be Cam, even if it was ten times harder. But it seemed like he'd stopped trying to forge that path for himself for whatever reason, and that realization was something that chipped away at Greg's heart. "You don't have to do that. I'll just grab a couple things and go back to my old room for now until everything is sorted." He cleared his throat, finally forcing himself into action as he moved off the dresser he'd been leaning against to rifle through a few of the drawers instead. At least then he didn't have to look at him. "You're still my best friend."